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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

291 replies

WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:06

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

OP posts:
Asterion · 12/10/2020 23:10

If he's as well off as you then I'm not sure that "grabby" is the right word. After all, he could afford that for himself.

Money seems to be important to both of you. I guess in this case, his and your expectations of expenditure do not match.

DollyDoneMore · 12/10/2020 23:10

I think birthdays always feel more special when they have a precise financial cost attached to them and that people who think the same have really worked out the balance between money-grabbing and human happiness.

Shizzlestix · 12/10/2020 23:12

He’s being grabby. Yes, it’s a big birthday, but omg, £600 a night x 2?! Is he insane? No way! I might go for £600 as it’s a big birthday, but no way 2 nights. Also, presumably food/drinks aren’t included plus travel etc? Just no.

Original poster
WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:14

@Shizzlestix thank you, he seems to be on a different planet with this one. It’s refreshing to hear that someone else from the outside can see where I’m coming from! Food and drinks are included in the package to a degree (Evening meal etc) but travel certainly wouldn’t be.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 12/10/2020 23:14

Premier Inn for two nights, give the difference to some poor sod who has lost their job...?

GoldfishParade · 12/10/2020 23:15

This is sad

gamerchick · 12/10/2020 23:15

I really want your problem OP Grin

But no, I agree with you.

DimidDavilby · 12/10/2020 23:16

If you can afford I don't see why you're being tight tbh. One night away is just a bit shit isn't it!

And I say that from the position of not having a pot to piss in.

Coffeeandcrumpet · 12/10/2020 23:16

Book a Premier Inn instead, you could even push the boat out and stay 3 nights. Yes he us absolutely being grabby, I bet he would expect you to pay for dinner etc too one you're there.

thisldo · 12/10/2020 23:17

Omg. What happened to it's the thought and not the price.

PawPawNoodle · 12/10/2020 23:17

Well it's not just a present for him, is it? You're going also. You're not spending £1.2k on a tangible item that only he will benefit from.

I'm being flippant because you've made it clear that you are both spendy and like 'nice things' which you can afford.

You could just buy him a present to the sum you think is appropriate and then go halves on the jaunt if you prefer.

HollowTalk · 12/10/2020 23:17

He sounds horrible. Why couldn't he say, "I'd love to go to that hotel so I'll treat us to a weekend there"? Then you could've spent what you wanted on a nice gift for him. He sounds greedy and grabby, yes. And spoilt.

DimidDavilby · 12/10/2020 23:18

All of that packing and travelling for one night? When you can easily afford a second. You can't take it with you you know!

katy1213 · 12/10/2020 23:18

You both seem to know the price of everything so perhaps you're well suited. But, no, I wouldn't be spending £1000-plus on someone I'd known for a few months. And he's not really your partner, is he? Surely milestone birthdays are only meaningful if you've been around for a while.

HollowTalk · 12/10/2020 23:18

And all those guys who say, "I would've spent X on you, but I didn't" all sound the same to me, whether they're talking about a fiver or a thousand pounds.

AntiSocialDistancer · 12/10/2020 23:18

I agree with him.

1willgetthere · 12/10/2020 23:19

But half of the £1,200 is for your share of the hotel so his gift is only £600?
Assuming you have plenty of money, it wouldn't be in my price range. But if a new dp had spent £40 on my birthday and his was a big one I would be happy to spend £60 on him.

Zeebeezee · 12/10/2020 23:20

Might just be me, but IMMATURITY screams at me. Sorry now.

Me and OH are financially secure, we need for little, and ignore the birthdays and Christmas shite. If we want something we buy it for ourselves. You get like that when you are bit older, realistic, and grumpier. LOL.

Fancycrackers · 12/10/2020 23:20

He sounds like a prick

1Morewineplease · 12/10/2020 23:20

It's going to be difficult to get sympathy here as you are both high earners and both like the finer things in life
I'd say, yes your boyfriend is grabby but you seem to have squealed with delight over the designer gift that you'd dropped hints at.

You both earn six figure sums so your starting price for gifts was always going to be high.
You can't compare each other's gifts on a like for like basis.

I think you might have to both sit down and chat about birthday /Christmas spending on each other.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:22

YANBU. £600 is a lot , let alone £1200! There is no guarantee you’ll be together on your next birthday let alone your next big birthday so he is being ridiculous.

Just because you have the money doesn’t mean you should spend it on frivolities.

As he’s soured the gift, I would tell him let’s leave the trip and ask him what he wants that’s within budget, Apple Watch or whatever).

Colourmylife1 · 12/10/2020 23:22

I think that you are right to be concerned about this and see it as a red flag. He does sound very ungrateful and also disrespectful. From his perspective I understand wanting a weekend at a special hotel for a special birthday but he is being churlish and he could easily afford to pay for the second night himself. It would bother me that he is seemingly keepIng a tally on who spent how much on whom when. That’s not a good sign.
You both seemingly have differing attitudes to money and how to spend it. That may not be too much of a problem if you both continue to be high earners and keep your finances separate but beware if your circumstances change in the future!

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2020 23:23

He's a spoilt brat.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:23

@1Morewineplease

but you seem to have squealed with delight over the designer gift that you'd dropped hints at.

Ugh such horrible, sexist language. She’s a woman, not a pig, there was no squealing Hmm

Hamsandwich2 · 12/10/2020 23:24

You both agreed you’d rather holiday than gift, both have plenty ful money and he has a big birthday?

Staying one night somewhere is rubbish. Just book the two nights fgs.