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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

291 replies

WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:06

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

OP posts:
Nikhedonia · 13/10/2020 00:34

Did you post the exact same thread about 2 months ago? I'm sure there was exactly the same scenario then.

Rubyupbeat · 13/10/2020 00:36

You seem both materialistic or grabby. It's the comparing how much each other has spent, that is distasteful. All is in context, its nothing to do with the amount at all, a grand to one person, may be like a fiver to another or totally out of reach to yet another. Its childish, neediness of it all.
'Its the thought that counts' has definitely not been the priority here!

Rubyupbeat · 13/10/2020 00:37

Greediness, not neediness

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 13/10/2020 00:39

His attitude and greediness over his birthday is not attractive and I would be watching for more signs of entitlement. However, given that you can easily afford it and given that you are also benefiting from the birthday gift I would probably agree to the hotel for two nights, but make it clear that you would expect him to cover any extras like travelling etc. If he is unhappy with this arrangement, then he is definitely a CF.

Milliepossum · 13/10/2020 00:44

OP I agree it’s a red flag. I think he’s trying to control your money by making you feel guilty for not spending in excess of triple of what he has spent on you. He voluntarily bought you a gift you didn’t ask for early on. That was his ‘in’ to your finances in his head and it seems he feels entitled to decide how much money you have to spend on him. It’s very telling that he never paid to stay at this hotel himself but expects you to fund it. He can claim forever that he would have spent this much or that much on you, but he hasn’t, it’s just words. I’d walk away.

Iola4 · 13/10/2020 00:48

Money is obviously an issue for you both.
Tbh you shouldn't be aware what each other spends on gifts as it should come from the heart...it sounds soppy but it's true.
I'd only been going with my now DP for about 6 months but because it was a VERY long distance relationship it felt more like weeks, but we got the joy of rediscovering each other every time we met up. I had a pair of old earrings break, they weren't expensive by any means but I just really liked them, that night when speaking on the phone he'd asked why I sounded upset so I told him. Then when we meet up next he presents me with some earrings he has had made for me...only after being married for several yrs and moving house I discovered an old tatty receipt in amongst a box of ALL the things we'd done together (concert tickets/theatre tickets/attraction tickets/carpark tickets...yes he even kept those...etc... everything had the date of all the memories we'd made) anyway apart from the date and the designer of the earrings there was also listed the price, I could have died a thousand deaths. I asked him why he'd spent so much on someone he barely saw and didn't even show each other any intention of being serious...his reply was that he loved me, he couldn't find the perfect replacement for the earrings I had lost so he had them made.
You can't put a price on love.

Iola4 · 13/10/2020 00:55

Earrings I had broke not lost* ffs
btw we were both 50/50 on costs when we met up as I'm an overly independent mouthy cow. We still have separate bank accounts and never question each other over finances BUT when we for example wanted to move house we both knuckled down to make it possible as a team.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 13/10/2020 01:06

lola4

You can't put a price on love.

btw we were both 50/50 on costs when we met up as I'm an overly independent mouthy cow. We still have separate bank accounts and never question each other over finance

Yes, you have put a price, and it’s 50/50! Grin

And good on you, totally the right thing!

RayStarling · 13/10/2020 01:11

He sounds like a greedy materialistic fool!! This is a 'big' birthday, what is he, a ten year old? Do people really think like this? He's clearly a spoilt entitled brat so you're best of without him.

You value the gesture more than the financial layout, this less money orientated approach will define the type of person you will be in a relationship with next. Someone more in tune with your own sensibilities.

onetwothreeadventure · 13/10/2020 01:16

I think he’s being a bit petulant but i think YABU.

Shutyoureyes · 13/10/2020 01:23

I agree that he shouldn't be expecting more from you than what you're comfortable with, whatever your salaries are. The only way I can think of getting it back on track without resentment is to suggest you both go to this place he's always wanted to go to together on the same basis as your other trips, ie 2 nights at 50/50 all shared equally. Not as your gift to him, but as a shared experience to somewhere he's chosen, as it's his birthday. That way, the £600 of your contribution is simply for your share of a stay somewhere luxurious. This would take the 'gift' element out of the trip, then you could buy him a separate token gift as your actual gift? I hope that makes sense, it did in my head Grin

PurpleTrilby · 13/10/2020 01:28

Who made him the decision maker of your budget? This is your money right? Tell him to get to fuck.

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 13/10/2020 01:38

Well, it’s a bit crass that you both seem to have been dropping hints to each other about expensive birthday gifts.. but that aside..
I think if he bought you a £400 gift after four months then yes he probably would spend quite a bit more on a big birthday eight months in, but that is his call not yours so he is BU for being bratty about your reluctance to fork out £1200 for a birthday mini break.

However you are also BU because you’ve said previously you both prefer going away to a gift, you both earn great money so £600 a night hotel is not that outrageous, and it’s a gift for both of you not just him so really you are spending £600 on him and £600 on yourself- which given his gift to you, doesn’t seem an unreasonable amount.

It could’ve been a lovely weekend away together, to further cement your relationship and celebrate an important occasion and I think you’ve both ruined it a bit.

MaintainTheMolehill · 13/10/2020 01:39

He's expecting you to spend a fifth of your monthly salary which for me would be £200. I would spend that for a big birthday if we had been seeing each other a few months.

However the separate issue is that he expects that and is annoyed it isn't good enough. That would put me right off as I'm sure you would have made the one night really special. I don't think this guy is a keeper.

1forAll74 · 13/10/2020 01:51

Talking about money on presents, and more money spent on what you call a big birthday.is pretty bad, and comparing what either of you have forked out before for birthdays, it's all quite strange, like money is king.

WantToBeMum · 13/10/2020 02:39

You're both incredibly high earners and from the way you describe money in your post you can clearly easily afford it. Just splash out and book him the two night stay that he wants. So what if it's a fairly new relationship (does the amount you're willing to spend increase with the length of your relationship?) It's a big birthday, why not treat him with something you benefit from yourself too. Life's too short, you might both get run over by a bus tomorrow, you can't take it with you, etc.

DaisyDreaming · 13/10/2020 03:14

A gift is meant to be given rather than sulked about and negotiated. If he is desperate for a second night then he can pay for it. Just as you have the money doesn’t mean you should have to throw it away spending more than you’re comfortable with.
If he is acting like this over it in the honeymoon phase of your relationship you have to wonder what he will be like in the future

StoppinBy · 13/10/2020 03:55

I actually think you are being pretty cheap if it's something that you wanted to do to spoil him and you can very easily afford it.

Going away for one night to enjoy a hotel is pretty pointless, check in at 2 then out by 10.

Given that you said you would do it for his birthday I can see why he would be disappointed if you backtrack now, you should have checked the prices first.

P.S How lovely for you to have to be able to afford even $1200 for a birthday present, pretty sure my last 10 years of birthday presents from my kids/hubby have not come to that lol.

RaisinGhost · 13/10/2020 04:38

Hmm, I sort of see what you mean. OTOH, birthday gifts don't always come out the same price and that's fine. My DH may buy me a token gift, as there is no events on and nothing I really want at that time. Later in the year, a band he loves happens to be touring in our city on his birthday. No brainer that I'd get him the tickets. I wouldn't not get them because I didn't get to go to a show.

Since you said you both like going away but didn't get to go away for your birthday, why not make this a celebration for both of you. Pay for a night each and you pay for dinner out.

Also the two hotels idea is the worst of both worlds.

Doingitaloneandproud · 13/10/2020 04:45

I can see what you mean, Just wondering though if you're still together when your next special birthday comes, would you be expecting that kind of money on you? If not, then it's fair enough you don't spend it on him now

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/10/2020 04:55

You both seem to be slightly obsessed with money.

I'd be happy with a tin of baked beans if it meant I got to spent my birthday with the man I love.

Get a grip.

Peridot1 · 13/10/2020 05:19

It’s a difficult one.

On the one hand he chose to spend £400 on your gift. Which was lovely of him so early on in the relationship. He had remembered you said you liked something and he bought it.

With his birthday though it’s a bit different. If he had said he liked a particular item that cost £600 but wanted two or a similar item that cost double. Or if he hinted at an item that would solely be for him that cost £1200 I think would definitely be being grabby and spoiled.

However a hotel stay is different. You benefit too. You also get two nights in a nice hotel.

So his birthday gift includes you rather than it being purely for him. So I kind of see where he is coming from.

footprintsintheslow · 13/10/2020 05:35

OP imagine this inane bullshit going on every year for the rest of your lives.

I couldn't stand a man like this, there's more to life than this.

PrimeraVez · 13/10/2020 05:51

In my opinion, if you can afford to spend 400 or 600 or 1200 or whatever, then the actual figure is irrelevant. It's not about keeping track or comparing or whatever.

What would be a huge passion killer for me is how he reacted - throwing his toys out the pram because it's not fair, I wanted more That would really change how I looked at him to be honest. And if he acts like this now, what will be like in the future?

ThisShitDontMatter · 13/10/2020 05:51

Ah... problems eh.