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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

291 replies

WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:06

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:24

Just because you have the money doesn’t mean you should spend it on frivolities

Thank you - this sums up how I feel on the matter. If we had been together for a number of years, I’d absolutely spend out more but at the moment I still feel as though it’s relatively early days for us. The fact he was so disappointed about my offer of one night has made me feel reluctant to book at all, which is a shame as I’d still have intended to thrown in lots of other surprised to make it special. It’s completely soured it!

OP posts:
Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:24

@Hamsandwich2 when’s the last time you £1200 on a 2 night hotel stay?

Krazynights34 · 12/10/2020 23:26

I don’t think, as such, you are being unreasonable. It is a lot to spend, very early on in a relationship.
But, it’s also odd to me to think that you are discussing the cost of the gift...
If it were me, I’d have booked a weekend as a surprise, rather than having a debate about what was spent at previous birthday... whether it’s a “big” birthday or not.
I got drunk at both my 30th and 40th birthdays with the same man. One was on a city break with three of my closest friends (plus man) and the other (40th) feeling fat with 30 friends in a local pub. I wouldn’t do either again by choice but it beats the hell out of me begging him to have our DD for an hour after he’s been working on my b’day do I can get a tiny nap.
I couldn’t care less if he had bought me a £500 gift (we spend about £150 if that matters, we could do more but I hate things for the sake of it and anyway I kind of hate him).
But... back in the day I’d take the weekend and utterly enjoy it, is what I’m trying to say

seayork2020 · 12/10/2020 23:27

@Zeebeezee

Might just be me, but IMMATURITY screams at me. Sorry now.

Me and OH are financially secure, we need for little, and ignore the birthdays and Christmas shite. If we want something we buy it for ourselves. You get like that when you are bit older, realistic, and grumpier. LOL.

Same!
GoldfishParade · 12/10/2020 23:27

I just dont get why on your salary you wouldn't also want to treat yourself to two nights

Original poster
WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:28

I should also add that (as I didn’t include this!) that the initial suggestion to DP was a one night stay at the fancy hotel and also the suggestion of another (much cheaper but still nice) hotel on route for the second night, as I appreciate that a two night getaway is always a lot more relaxing.

OP posts:
Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:29

@WinterWsyi

Just because you have the money doesn’t mean you should spend it on frivolities

Thank you - this sums up how I feel on the matter. If we had been together for a number of years, I’d absolutely spend out more but at the moment I still feel as though it’s relatively early days for us. The fact he was so disappointed about my offer of one night has made me feel reluctant to book at all, which is a shame as I’d still have intended to thrown in lots of other surprised to make it special. It’s completely soured it!

Also, OP, don’t be fooled by his high salary, some men do get a kick out of making a new girlfriend spend lots of money on them. Has happened to some women who met men online and then got to know them.

Not saying your boyfriend is like this but it’s better to be cautious.

You’re right, you spend £1200 on a partner of several years not a boyfriend of 8 months!

His grabby attitude would be a huge turnoff for me.

BusterGonad · 12/10/2020 23:29

I can't see the point of staying for one night, by the the time you've woken up and had breakfast it's time to leave. I think if you've got the money then either do 2 nights or none at all. He has a point tbh, but if you're not really into the relationship then save your money.

PawPawNoodle · 12/10/2020 23:30

@WinterWsyi if you're that uncomfortable due to the length of time you've been together ("relatively early days"), why did you accept an expensive luxury item for your own birthday only a few months into being together?

One night anywhere is pretty disappointing, the only time I've stayed one night at a hotel is for work. I would be disappointed with just one night away with a partner whether it's a gift or paid jointly. You are also going away, but you don't seem to take that into consideration.

You're also not addressing anyone else's comments and only those that agree with you. Why ask if you're being unreasonable if you don't think you are?

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:30

@GoldfishParade

I just dont get why on your salary you wouldn't also want to treat yourself to two nights
c.£100k is not a fortune! You would definitely feel that dent in your salary if you took £1200 out of it!
Original poster
WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:33

@PolPotNoodle I didn’t ask for said luxury gift. DH took note when I’d mentioned in a passing comment that I liked it and he bought it as a surprise gift on my birthday. Are you saying I should have turned it down? Hmm

The point is DP chose how much he felt comfortable to spend on me and did so by choice, without any pressure from me. This situation feels very different as there is an expectation of high expenditure which I’ve already expressed as being higher than what I feel comfortable in spending at this stage.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 12/10/2020 23:34

I just dont get why on your salary you wouldn't also want to treat yourself to two nights

Because everyone has priorities.

The sensible answer would be for him to pay for the second night, if he wants it so much. It might be a milestone birthday but if you have only been together for less than a year, 150% of what he paid for your birthday seems reasonable.

When you can afford to buy pretty much whatever you want, it really makes more sense for you each to find your own choices.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:34

Food and drinks are included in the package to a degree (Evening meal etc) but travel certainly wouldn’t be.

And I’m betting you would be expected to fork for travel and other food like lunch too.

1Morewineplease · 12/10/2020 23:34

[quote Howlooseisyourgoose]@1Morewineplease

but you seem to have squealed with delight over the designer gift that you'd dropped hints at.

Ugh such horrible, sexist language. She’s a woman, not a pig, there was no squealing Hmm[/quote]
How is it sexist?

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:36

@1Morewineplease because there is no way you would say a man ‘squealed with delight’ over a gift. At least have the grace to admit it!

Pringlemonster · 12/10/2020 23:37

Wow
Gosh I wish I had your problem op
Anyway ,I agree with you ,he’s being grabby ,and I’d feel very pressured in your shoes

1Morewineplease · 12/10/2020 23:38

[quote Howlooseisyourgoose]@1Morewineplease because there is no way you would say a man ‘squealed with delight’ over a gift. At least have the grace to admit it![/quote]
Why wouldn't a man squeal with delight? It's just a saying!!!
And YOU said the word 'pig,' I certainly didn't .

Original poster
WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:38

but you seem to have squealed with delight over the designer gift that you'd dropped hints at

@1Morewineplease the real question is, how have you formed this ridiculous assumption, based on the details contained within my post? The details were added in purely for context and were factual. I’d love to know where the mention is of the hints I’ve been dropping or the glee at receiving said gift Hmm

OP posts:
lioncitygirl · 12/10/2020 23:39

I would be mortified if my partner spent that on me. And I’m married to the guy! I mean - it’s a lot of money to be spending so early on. I would be wary that he would always expect stuff like this. He’s set the bar.

hereyehearye · 12/10/2020 23:39

One night in a hotel is a bit rubbish though. It's over before you know it. I'd dump you because £1200 is a lot but so is £400. You took the bag so really it's costing you £800 because you could always sell the bag and get your money back.

£800 for a six figure earner isn't much.

Original poster
WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:41

I'd dump you because £1200 is a lot but so is £400

Righttttt Hmm

OP posts:
hereyehearye · 12/10/2020 23:41

Honestly I hate people who are cheap and careful with others but love splurging for themselves. You give me that vibe. It's pretty unattractive.

PawPawNoodle · 12/10/2020 23:41

[quote WinterWsyi]@PolPotNoodle I didn’t ask for said luxury gift. DH took note when I’d mentioned in a passing comment that I liked it and he bought it as a surprise gift on my birthday. Are you saying I should have turned it down? Hmm

The point is DP chose how much he felt comfortable to spend on me and did so by choice, without any pressure from me. This situation feels very different as there is an expectation of high expenditure which I’ve already expressed as being higher than what I feel comfortable in spending at this stage.[/quote]
Well yes, I personally wouldn't accept a luxury gift 4 months into a relationship and would have turned it down. It's not court-mandated that you accept a gift.

You say it was a passing comment but it seemed that he took that as a pointed indication that this is what you wanted from him and by accepting it, this idea wasn't corrected. It seems to have set an expectation that you both spend extravagantly on your birthdays but you're backing out now that it's your turn because it's "early days", even though the proposed idea is a shared experience and not solely for him.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:42

@hereyehearye that’s the most ridiculous logic I’ve ever heard. You’d dump someone for not spending £1200 on you? What a charmer Hmm

Pringlemonster · 12/10/2020 23:43

Actually,I think he very rude ,and ungrateful..how dare he moan it’s only one night ,when you are offering such a lovely treat at your expense.
I’m not I’d of stayed with my dh ,had he of behaved like that early on ,or at any point actually
Our presents tend to be cosmetics or chocolate or perfume, we know what the other likes ,but never do we demand or push for more .
Because it’s the thought that counts and we are great full for what we are given