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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

291 replies

WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:06

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

OP posts:
WokesFromHome · 13/10/2020 07:05

I really don't get this massive gift thing. My DH is a very high earner and I used to earn quite a bit but we have never bought each other gifts like this. I know other high earners who are now 50+ and don't have a pot to piss in because they have blown it all on clothes, watches, cars and holidays.

If I had a DD I would tell her to avoid vain, high maintenance men like the plague.

MudCity · 13/10/2020 07:08

I agree with you OP.

Suggesting a weekend away in a particular city is one thing...you could have researched it and found a lovely but less expensive place to stay and perhaps gone for afternoon tea or dinner at the very expensive place. Specifying a £600 per night hotel is going too far.

DryIce · 13/10/2020 07:11

His attitude would put me off too, OP. Turning your nose up at a gift or demanding more is churlish, whether it's worth £40 or £4000.

I'd also be put off doing anything - but if you're a bigger person than I you could always say 1 night in this dream hotel, or 2 in another.

Hailtomyteeth · 13/10/2020 07:12

Give him the £400 back and say goodbye.

Sceptre86 · 13/10/2020 07:13

You can afford it but it is a very generous present especially so early on in the relationship. My dh and I agreed a budget for birthdays but always spend more for a big one. I don't like that he argued about it, if you suggested one night he should have taken the hint that it is maybe more than you would like to spend.

rwalker · 13/10/2020 07:17

It's a difficult one to comment on because the amount of money £1000's grabs your attention but when you're on six figure wages it all in context.
It's equivalent to a person and average 24k wage spending a couple of £250 on a significant birthday which put like that isn't over the top.

Ginfordinner · 13/10/2020 07:17

I just find this talk about the price of presents rather crass. Regardless of how much someone earns why would you want to know how much someone has spent on you for a birthday?

How did you know how much your birthday present from him cost? Did you look it up? Why?

LavaCake · 13/10/2020 07:18

For my husband’s 30th birthday I paid for a night in £600 a night hotel. Trying to imagine what my reaction would have been if he had sulked about the fact that it wasn’t two nights. I think I would have cancelled the booking tbh. And he’s my husband! From a boyfriend of a few months I simply wouldn’t be accepting that attitude.

OfTheNight · 13/10/2020 07:18

I don’t think the amount of money is an issue. It makes no difference if it was £1200 or £120, it’s the way he’s trying to manipulate you into spending more than you feel comfortable so early on. It was his choice to buy you the £400 gift, so why is he laying it on so thick?

If he can also afford the hotel, why don’t you pay for one night and he pay for the other if he wants two nights there? Why do you have to feel you’re not doing adequate by him? He seems very hung up on how special his birthday is and the amount of money that should be spent on it. I find that a bit unattractive.

HaggieMaggie · 13/10/2020 07:19

@AlexaShutUp

I can't believe some of the responses that you're getting on here, OP. You are definitely not being unreasonable!

None of this is about how many nights you're going to spend in the hotel, how much you earn, how much each of you chose to spend on gifts or whether you should spend more for a big birthday so early on in a relationship. None of that matters.

This is about your bf's petulant and ungracious response to your choice of gift because he decided that he was entitled to something better. It's a massive red flag, OP.

Personally, I'd give him the £400 that he spent on your gift and run a mile in the opposite direction.

Absolutely this.
Kittenbittenmitten · 13/10/2020 07:19

He's being a birthday brat. Hopefully you can reach a compromise. As you point out you've only been together 8 months, so why is he your "partner"?

BorderlineHappy · 13/10/2020 07:20

If you don't want to spend " big" on a birthday present in a new relationship.Then maybe you shouldn't have accepted the £400 gift from him.

You can't have it both ways.

RedHelenB · 13/10/2020 07:21

I think yabu. You can afford it and he spent money on you much earlier in the relationship getting you something you liked, plus you get to enjoy the trip with him too.

crumpet · 13/10/2020 07:22

The way to rescue this is for you to buy an alternative gift, and then you both share the cost of the trip away (As a not birthday gift) and enjoy a weekend of it.

SultanasofSwing · 13/10/2020 07:23

I haven't read the whole thread, but surely the thing about gifts is that they are given freely and voluntarily. Regardless of whether or not you book one night or two, the holiday is already soured, as one of you will be resentful.

The foundations of this relationship do not sound very strong and I think that you would be better off ending it. You may both be high earners now but, if the relationship becomes long term, what if one of you is ill or you go on maternity leave. Your DP sounds quite shallow, only there for the good times, and likely to scarper at the hint of any bad times. Probably alright for some fun times but not a 'keeper'.

LavaCake · 13/10/2020 07:25

If you don't want to spend " big" on a birthday present in a new relationship.Then maybe you shouldn't have accepted the £400 gift from him.

But OP is happy to spend £400 on him. She’s actually happy to spend £600 on him (more if you factor in travel costs and the fact that she offered an extra night in a cheaper hotel as well).

The issue is that OP’s boyfriend is trying to manipulate her into spending more than three times as much as he did on her, and more than twice as much as she’s comfortable with.

There is a big difference between £400 and £1,200. OP’s boyfriend simply isn’t entitled to push her into spending the latter amount because it’s what he thinks his birthday is worth when it’s an amount she’s not comfortable spending.

Having a lot of money doesn’t give other people the right to decide how you should be spending it.

blueberrypie0112 · 13/10/2020 07:27

The only difference is, you would nor be upset if he got you something else cheaper or just plain flowers and card. Beside, I would not pay for a hotel as a gift if this is going to be part of my enjoyment as well (romance for once thing) , it should be something just for him. Imho

Littleposh · 13/10/2020 07:28

For all he knows, you'd planned to spend that amount on a special, meaningful gift. It's not his place to dictate what you get him for his birthday. If he wants to go that much, and can afford it himself, then he should just bloody book it himself!! Absolute cheeky fucker

Mummadeeze · 13/10/2020 07:28

I took my DD to a lovely hotel in the Summer for just one night as I didn’t want to spend double the amount but wanted a treat. It was definitely worth going and we made the most of the facilities, ate in the v nice restaurant etc. I think one night in an expensive hotel is a generous present and I would be very off put by him complaining or almost demanding more. I don’t think I would want to waste my money on him now if I were you. His reaction has very much been in poor taste.

thetrees · 13/10/2020 07:30

@Milliepossum

OP I agree it’s a red flag. I think he’s trying to control your money by making you feel guilty for not spending in excess of triple of what he has spent on you. He voluntarily bought you a gift you didn’t ask for early on. That was his ‘in’ to your finances in his head and it seems he feels entitled to decide how much money you have to spend on him. It’s very telling that he never paid to stay at this hotel himself but expects you to fund it. He can claim forever that he would have spent this much or that much on you, but he hasn’t, it’s just words. I’d walk away.
@Milliepossum has it
blueberrypie0112 · 13/10/2020 07:31

I would give the gift back to him. He is obviously bitter about it and want to find a way to make up the lost money

ImSleepingBeauty · 13/10/2020 07:32

My view: you got to keep the handbag and he received no benefit from it.
You get to go on the weekend away with him so you also get to enjoy his present.
Because of this, I’d book 2 nights and think of it as spending £600 on him and £600 for you to attend.
If it were £1200 on an item for him (Like coat etc) I wouldn’t think YWBU.

HaggisBurger · 13/10/2020 07:37

@DollyDoneMore

I think birthdays always feel more special when they have a precise financial cost attached to them and that people who think the same have really worked out the balance between money-grabbing and human happiness.
@DollyDoneMore🙌🙌🙌
PrivateD00r · 13/10/2020 07:38

I don't think he is being 'grabby'. He will be thinking it is a big birthday, he spent a lot given you were only together a few months - you are together double that length of time now. And crucially you are going on this trip too - so actually you are paying his half of £600 which isn't much more than your bag.

If you aren't happy then don't do it, obviously no one has the right to demand a certain present! However if you think you both deserve a luxurious break away together, why not just go for it? I am sure you both work hard for your money.

Wibblypiggly · 13/10/2020 07:40

@BillywilliamV

Premier Inn for two nights, give the difference to some poor sod who has lost their job...?
😆 classic Mumsnet. You should be ashamed for earning so much money and you are evil for not already having given your house away to someone who needs it and for not having given every penny of your earnings to charity 😆
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