In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

[WinterWsyi]

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

I dont get your comparison of your birthday and his, if his is a land mark birthday and yours isnt why on earth would you expect them to be equal?

in most 'normal' cases I would say £1200 is high end (although people do spend that for big birthdays) but average income in my circle is £30k and under and since you make over £8k a month (£1200 is less than 1 weeks wage fot you) I actually think you are being pretty cheap

if you dont want to book that then dont and sort your own gift for him but making it all about money makes you look like the grabby one imo

Buy him something lovely for £400 and tell him you wanted to get him something he could keep forever. And keep an eye out for further entitled grabiness from him.

I don't think it's grabby. You can both afford a splash out & 'like the finer things'

I'd be happy to splash out for a big birthday, but only if I really loved dp & saw a future. You should know how likely you are to have a long term future by this stage imo.

I'd be a bit disappointed if dp started counting the pennies over celebrating my big birthday when we could easily afford it. It could be interpreted as your birthday isn't that important to me'. We all have very different views of the importance of birthdays & how much of a fuss should be made. I love making a fuss of my birthday week now every year & push the boat out. For my finances, that means going to a coffee shop or out for lunch, small treats etc. If I was loaded, I'd happily splash out on the hotel without comparing the expenditure against your gift

You don’t think it’s grabby to demand someone spends 1200
quid on your birthday?

Who demanded?

@Bluntness100 are you interpreting 'dp seemed disappointed' as dp demanded or have I missed something?

And no I don't think it's grabby, (demanding would be), as they are both well off and like 'experiences'

Ok whinged, complained, guilt tripped. Whatever you wish to call it

I think that’s fine, you need to do you. But you are in the minority and most people as you can see from thr responses find its grabby to request 1200 quids worth of gifts in the early days.

But you crack on.

What do they say about red flags? He is showing you who he is. It doesn't matter if the gift was worth 1k or £1 he is being petulant and spoilt and focussing on himself, justifying it with "I'd have spent that on you if....."

He is not a team player, thoughtful or someone I'd want to spend time with. Imagine the same situation several years on, kids in tow and him not getting "special enough" treatment. Ugh!

I'm embarrassed for him.

I don't need to call it anything. Op called it him seeming disappointed. You've twisted those words into something else.

In comparison to me they're loaded so I don't think spending that amount is a problem. Demanding that amount certainly would be. There's a big difference between the 2 situations

First of all, I don't agree that only staying one night at a luxury hotel is hardly worth it. You can arrive at 3 pm and stay until midday, nobody will throw you out at 10. And I also think that his ungrateful behaviour is seriously offputting. If somebody gives you a nice gift, you say "thank you", not "I want more".

I've learnt something on this thread, and that's if you earn well people feel entitled to dictate how much you should spend and on what.

£1200 is a good chunk out of a monthly salary, even if you are on £100k+. Op may have a budget that the general 'nice things' she enjoys fit into - I know I'd be socking away big savings and pension contributions if I was on that salary and I certainly would not feel guilt-tripped into making inroads on monthly savings for a newish relationship.

The boyfriend is absolutely NOT entitled to have any particular sum spent on him. Horrible behaviour that he's made his disappointment known, and I can't believe other posters think he should now be indulged because the op can afford this. And the one night being crap thing. Well, guess what? Cheaper options are available!

Also the comments about how it's right he gets a lot spent on him because it's a landmark birthday. Sorry, but like a pp making a big thing of these is for family and long-term partners and friendship me. I spent a lot on my dps big birthday last year, but I'd be spending a fraction of that amount on a new partner. Seems to set the wrong tone to have big sums of money in play at that stage somehow.

Also love the idea the op is as bad as her dp for being aware of the sums involved given that half the posters here seem to have formulas for how much should be spent. If x represents the amount spent on a non-special birthday celebrated at so many months into a relationship and relates to a material item that only the recipient benefits from, then a special birthday celebrated so many more months in where the present benefits both parties (although not the giver's choice) gives a gift value of y.

Op, I strongly suspect this really is a red flag, and there are going to be other areas where he wants or expects of you in a way that is unacceptable.

You know, as does nearly everyone else on here, asking someone for a 1200 quid gift is really poor form, and he should be contributing to that himself due to the cost being so high. There is nothing to stop him paying the second night himself. Has he even suggested such a thing, or would he rather not go than put his hand in his pocket to pay any of it himself?

My DH and I have splashed out in the past, but on memorable things like our honeymoon and holidays of a lifetime (for example Canada with our DDs where we have family two years ago). Not for a swanky weekend in an expensive hotel, which is instantly forgettable.

You can have an equally lovely time in a Best Western hotel using Tesco club card points, or a lovely guest house/bed and breakfast with a spectacular view. For me, that's more meaningful than a swanky hotel with a four poster bed. (Although admittedly that's partly because it's so rare that we get to go away for a weekend!)

We did splash out when I had a milestone birthday last year; we organised a big party at a restaurant near us, with family and friends. That's much more special, but of course that's just me.

What's not on is putting pressure on your partner to fork out money that they don't want to spend on you. £600 on a night in the expensive hotel is actually extremely generous, especially in a relatively new relationship.

This would be such a turn off for me, and to me would signal a value system/mind set that would make me end the relationship b/c we would be on a different planet.

Moving on, it does sound grabby, spoiled and entitled.

If he wanted two nights he should have suggested he throw in 1/2 for night two.

After 8 months (presumably most of it during lockdown?) I'd arrange a nice meal and a thoughtful gift.

If you go to this hotel now it's been soured - book it for the middle of next year (refundable). If he's desperate to go he can book for sooner than that.