In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

[WinterWsyi]

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

I would always prefer to go for two nights, and if that's within your budget, I probably would to be honest.

I think the numbers are irrelevant. His nit picky attitude does not bode well.

Meh, I’d do it

If I had the earnings like you two do, I wouldn’t balk at £1200 for a present

It’s a special thing that happens once a year

@WinterWsyi

Just because you have the money doesn’t mean you should spend it on frivolities

Thank you - this sums up how I feel on the matter. If we had been together for a number of years, I’d absolutely spend out more but at the moment I still feel as though it’s relatively early days for us. The fact he was so disappointed about my offer of one night has made me feel reluctant to book at all, which is a shame as I’d still have intended to thrown in lots of other surprised to make it special. It’s completely soured it!

I don’t think he should have asked you, if I had to ask someone for a present it would take the value out of it for me. However I do think you are being miserly in comparison to him and in the long term I think your different approaches to money may become an issue.

You are going to the hotel too right, so you were effectively spending £300 on him for a big birthday when he spent more than that on you when the relationship was much newer.

A lesson to be learned here about not mentioning a pretty high income on MN.

He is being a bit ungrateful. It is way to much to spend on him 8 months in. Actually we are / were in a similar situation (roles reversed) when we first met and there is no way I'd have had my DP spend that much on me (despite similar incomes).

Although 'some drinks and food are included, realistically you are going to end up spending more like ~£1400 when you have more drinks / lunch / transport. Maybe you pay one day and you go halves on the other?

How are things usually with money; fairly equal?

I think you should pay for one night each and buy him a present. His strop was very unattractive and I can see why you wouldn’t want to pay that much. People can argue that it would be £600 on you £600 on him But it’s still him dictating you paying for you both for a short holiday of his choice.

He is a big fucking baby! Tell him to piss off!

The money is a bit irrelevant here. He’s been rude and that would leave a really bad taste in my mouth.

You could always suggest you share the cost of the weekend and buy a gift you’re comfortable with.

@DollyDoneMore

I think birthdays always feel more special when they have a precise financial cost attached to them and that people who think the same have really worked out the balance between money-grabbing and human happiness.

Winter,

I think it is tricky.

You are both quite materialistic, I suspect, and I say that non judgmentally. You sound both young and ambitious and, in certain professions (finance being one) people are encouraged to measure their success and self worth by how much they earn. It is unhealthy long term but easy to be drawn into, especially when things are going well.

If you do subscribe to the above, it is easy to see how you might judge how strongly someone feels for you by how much they spend on you, although £1,200 still seems an awful lot if you are earning low 6 figures and only been together 8 months.

But, would you have been as happy (honestly) with a £40 gift as a £400 gift? If the answer is no, you are merely arguing about the metric, rather than the concept of desiring and expecting an expensive gift.

Having said all the above, he does sound truly brattish to actually get upset about being offered a £600 gift for his birthday and I am sure both of you would have been embarrassed had the conversation been overheard. It is very tawdry.

You need to have a real conversation about what you both care about and why you value one another. If the reasons are superficial (looks and money) you need to decide if you are ok with that or want something deeper.

Ugh such horrible, sexist language. She’s a woman, not a pig, there was no squealing hmm

Totally agree with this 👏🏻

OP, YANBU and I am genuinely astonished at some of the responses you’ve had on here. It’s proof positive that if you mention being a high earner on MN, a lot of posters will twist your words in any way possible to find a way of criticising you.

You offered your (relatively new) boyfriend a lovely gift of a night in a fancy hotel, and he’s thrown a sulk because you aren’t willing to spend three times as much on him as he did on you? That’s absurd, he is absolutely being grabby and entitled. The only appropriate response to being offered a trip to a £600-a-night hotel is delight and gratitude. Anything else is a really shitty attitude.

You would think on MN of all places people wouldn’t see you as duty bound to spend huge sums of money on appeasing the vagaries of a man-child’s mood, but there you go. If you have enough money it’s your responsibility to spend it on men, apparently.

I find it hard to relate to this given that one night in this hotel equates to 6 weeks rent for us and we have a 100 pound max on Xmas and birthdays.

However, that aside, it's a birthday gift. It's not a right and no matter how much you earn, it should never be forgotten that a gift is about the thought a desire to think about what to buy someone special.
It makes me think your dp wouldn't be with you if you had a 'normal' income (normal referring to national average).
Personally, I would think about if I wanted to be with someone so material after this.

It would really put me off to have someone haggling over their birthday present less than a year into a relationship.

Buy him something else for his birthday and tell him you'll go to the special hotel on your first anniversary. You can then both pay for a night.

It does seem grabby to me. You offered a generous gift but he immediately wanted more. I don't think you will enjoy going there for his birthday now as he's soured it somewhat.

I have friends in relationships like this and it's bizarre "oh he's spent £200 on me this Xmas so I have to spend £200 on him.."!?

It has fed down to their children now so if one gets a £100 present they all get £100 presents even if they only wanted a £50 toy, the rest is made up of wasteful crap.

What I would say is that the families I know like this live way beyond their means and actually don't have a pot to piss in. Are you sure he's a high earner?

Partner after 8 months
No
Boyfriend / girlfriend

You both sound really materialistic and horribly vain.

You're welcome to each other.

Based on how much you both earn I guess that's pocket money for you. But that's the price I pay for 2 weeks in Dorset with my children every spring. Which allows us to have loads of relaxation and a whole house next to the sea for two weeks. That sort of money for one weekend isn't justified in our budget. It's crazy money. But you are both rich so asking me isn't the best idea.

Overall for someone like me who has £1800 a month to pay for everything that's just insane money and sounds like he's very showy. Which is an instant put off.

I'd much rather make some actual special moments together than waste money to say you've slept and ate breakfast and had a shower in a fancy room lol.

[quote Howlooseisyourgoose]@1Morewineplease

but you seem to have squealed with delight over the designer gift that you'd dropped hints at.

Ugh such horrible, sexist language. She’s a woman, not a pig, there was no squealing [/quote]
Completely aside to this topic, and talking about sexist language this comment to @1morewineplease seems a little rich @howlooseisyourgoose considering your username is sometimes used as vile slang to describe a woman's genitalia

I find it weird that if he can also easily afford the stay in the hotel, he would expect you to stump it all up rather than say ‘let’s do two nights and I’ll pay for the second’.

I think you’re being a bit mean with your money and I think he is behaving like a spoilt child. I think the hotel experience would feel a bit ruined now, regardless of who pays.

DH and I don’t give each other birthday and Christmas presents, we buy what we want/need throughout the year, have nice holidays and fancy dinners out throughout the year and just enjoy a wee celebration together instead (we both have January birthdays and no one wants to celebrate a January birthday). It’s just a day.

I don't understand the need to match the value of a gift to someone with the value of a gift from them (i.e I can't spend £60 because I received £40 or vice versa)
Gifts should be given because you want the recipient to have the gift and the amount is what you consider an appropriate amount to spend on a gift & you can afford it.

I agree one night in a hotel like that means you dont get the most out of it.

But i think he should be paying for half. A weekend away is not a birthday gift.

Its value for money.

I couldn't justify spending that amount on two nights, no matter how much money I had.

It's not about how much his present was worth.

No way would I be spending that much on a boyfriend of 8 months!!! I'd suggest he pays for the hotel himself and you buy him a normal gift. I think his expectations are much too high this early in the relationship.

I’m curious that he’s always wanted to stay there, could afford to but has never done so and wishes you to pay for him to do so. He’s not done it if he needed to pay.

You know fine well anyone demanding you spend x amount on them is entitled grabby and rude. A gift is a gift, you don’t dictate like he is.

Don’t let him bully you into it. The attitude is horrible.