In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

[WinterWsyi]

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

Reminds me of my now exH who never once bought me a Xmas gift during our 20 years married then one Xmas he piped up that this year hed like a mountain bike from me osting £700 and was then amazed when I went absolutely ballistic.

He sounds very childish, he doesn't have a sense of the value of money. He sounds very petulant in this take too.

He is being a grabby fucker. If he's that bothered he could have just offered to pay for a second night himself so that you could make a weekend of it.

Regardless of the amounts involved, the ingratitude would be a massive red flag for me. He's given you a helpful early signal here of his spoilt brat tendencies. It sure as shit won't be the last time you see them!

@Bluntness100

Honestly the cynic in me would suggest he bought your gift fully intending to ask for this hefty one in return.

This is so, so true.

Rather than accepting what I felt comfortable spending at this stage in our relationship, he argued against it and guilt tripped me by pointing out that he’d have spent far more if it were my big birthday. It feels manipulative.
Yep! Manipulative and demanding, and a sign that you should be very wary. IME this sort of behaviour does not bode well for the relationship (I regard the amount as irrelevant).
On the plus side, you don't seem inclined to fall for his attempts to decide what you should spend on him and to pressure you into doing so.

@90sgirlx

Based on how much you both earn I guess that's pocket money for you. But that's the price I pay for 2 weeks in Dorset with my children every spring. Which allows us to have loads of relaxation and a whole house next to the sea for two weeks. That sort of money for one weekend isn't justified in our budget. It's crazy money. But you are both rich so asking me isn't the best idea.

Overall for someone like me who has £1800 a month to pay for everything that's just insane money and sounds like he's very showy. Which is an instant put off.

I'd much rather make some actual special moments together than waste money to say you've slept and ate breakfast and had a shower in a fancy room lol.

This is pretty irrelevant surely; it's all relative. The OP has the money and probably doesn't see a night away in a lovely hotel with her partner a waste of money, for one night or two. I'd happily spend this to take my husband away as I'd be getting something out of it too i.e. a lovely night, a lovely meal and probably a spa treatment.

He's acting like a Giant baby imo. It's a gift and as the recipient he should be grateful for said gift, to complain it's not enough is incredibly ungrateful, rude and graceless. Tell him that you're giving him this gift and if he wants an extra night he pays his half of it.

I think if I were you, I would drop the weekend and buy him something else. If you do go away for the weekend to the hotel, you split the cost between you.

However, I think this episode is telling you something about who he is and you should listen and decide if this is okay with you. Do you want to be caught in a cycle of buying increasingly expensive presents in the future with a man who sulks and moans if you don't spend enough on him? Are the values he is showing the ones that you want to be alligned with?

This thread is hilarious and I agree some posters can’t see past the fact that OP is a high earner.

Imo it’s grabby of him.

8 months into dating my now DH would I have spent a fifth of my monthly salary on his 40th? Probably not. An 8 month relationship is very new.

Now we’ve been together for yonks would I spend a fifth of my monthly salary on him? Yes I would. I wouldn’t go out of my way to find a gift to that amount, but if I saw/found something that he’d love then I’d just buy it.

But it’s not directly comparable either, that’s not how money works.

If I earned £1k net in a month I’d think a £200 gift was generous but not insanely expensive.

If I earned £3k net I’d still think £200 was generous and I’d only go up to £600 if it was something really spot on as a gift.

Me and DH probably wouldn’t buy a hotel stay as a gift for each other though, we’d buy it from the shared account and buy other pressies for each other, like a show on the first evening in the hotel for example.

Also. If OP doesn’t want to spend £600 on two nights in a hotel, then half the gift is not for her! She’d only be spending that £600 because he wants that particular present.

If DP and I are out shopping together, or I find something on a website that I like, I may well show it to DP and comment that I like it. There is no way that I am dropping hints. I'm stating a fact, and DP knows it.

If I were you OP I'd get out of the relationship. You both earn very well and can technically afford pretty much whatever you want. £1,200 isn't a lot for you in the wider scheme of things. But what this incident shows is that you have different priorities and expectations for spending the money. And I suspect that if the relationship were to carry on, it would be a constant round of who had spent what on who (and potentially later, who had spent what on the kids). Nothing could ever be done just because it was a nice thing to do, it would always have to be added to the balance sheet. Possibly from your perspective, I don't know. But certainly from his.

Alternatively, given you can both afford things, you might consider moving to a different model. We do token presents (extra points for relevance or amusement) then birthday person chooses and pays for the trip or event.

Takes a lot of the stress out of birthdays

It would be very telling to see how he would respond to the suggestion. It is, after all, on his bucket list.

Overall, he sounds like Mr fun for now rather than Mr for ever and ever.

Ultimately, for me, the cost isn't even the biggest issue here. The larger problem is the ungracious way he responded to your offer of a gift, whatever its cost. He shouldn't be mumbling and arguing with you about how much you "should" spend on him!

If he felt that having one night at the hotel wouldn't be enjoyable, he could have raised the issue in a more mature way, perhaps by offering to pay for the second night himself or by suggesting that he'd rather save the hotel for another time when you could stay longer.

I think his expectations are unreasonable. Maybe he genuinely does spend that much on "big birthdays", but he shouldn't expect that you will feel the same. Not everyone spends extravagantly on birthdays, even big ones, even if they can "afford it", and I can't understand anyone thinking that a £600+ gift is in any way miserly or ungenerous.

This is the kind of thing you learn about one another over time. If it's important enough, you discuss it and make adjustments, but his approach was entitled and unpleasant. It would stay in the back of my mind and colour how I viewed him for a while.

He sounds like a total brat.

“Big birthday” doesn’t mean anything in the context of a very new relationship like this. It doesn’t need a £1000+ present just because you happen to be with him when he hits a round number.

Childish and grabby for sure.

I agree that as he’s soured the gift, don’t do this trip any more but buy him a physical gift within budgetS

It's really ride of him. I took my Bf away for one night and I'd have been mortified if he'd have said one night wasn't enough. We made the best of both days and had a lovely time. No expectation from him on how much I should have spent. He was grateful and appreciative of the thought and effort.

8 months is a very short relationship. He's not your partner. I'd be considering ending the relationship because of his attitude. For me it's always the thought and effort that matters.

So it's tit for tat in this relationship then. £600 is alot of money in anyone's language

So he's looking for a 200% return on his investment, does he work in finance?

He's a grasping fucker.

His attitude is the problem. You have offered a gift and he should graciously accept it.

DH and I spend up to around £100 each on a thoughtful present for birthdays. We could easily afford much more but it seems unnecessary and crass.

It's worth bearing in mind that if you book one night and you're also going then you're only covering his half of one night - which is £300. That's less than he spent on you for it not being a big birthday and much earlier on in your relationship. So, YABU.

Aren’t hotels rooms charged per room type not persons staying in a room. Most people I know book double rooms anyway. So surely the room would cost £600 regardless of whether op was there or not.

And this hotel isn’t something OP is interested in going to. So it’s not spending half the money.

I’d buy him a belt too. And call it even.

The whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth OP. Plus I’m jealous because I would have to work for weeks just to pay that hotel bill.

* The whole thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth OP. Plus I’m jealous because I would have to work for weeks just to pay that hotel bill.*

I think this is the reason for the negative comments on this thread. So many people are struggling financially right now as a result of COVID.

I don’t think that’s the reason at all. I think it’s because he’s been rude and grabby.

I dont understand why people are saying that this effectively only costs the OP £600 as she will also be at the hotel.

If it wasn't for this man specifically asking to stay at this expensive hotel, the OP wouldn't stay there. She'd be just as happy at a cheaper hotel. It isn't necessarily a treat to stay at a hotel when it's not your own choice, so she isn't getting half the benefit here.

When you pay £X to stay in a hotel for someone's wedding, you count it as part of the cost of attending the wedding, not as a treat for yourself.

I'd book a 2 night stay at a Premier Inn just to spite his crabby tendencies. You don't get to dictate how much someone else spends on a gift for you. You accept graciously whatever someone gives / pays for.