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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that DP is being spoilt and grabby re birthday gift

291 replies

WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:06

Partner and I have been together around 8 months now. For context we are both high earners (£100k +) with no dependants and we both like/enjoy ‘nice things’. I celebrated my birthday about 4 months in to our relationship and DP bought me a £400 gift which was a designer item I’d mentioned I liked (going away wasn’t an option at the time as we’ve both agreed that this is always preferred over a material gift). Partner’s birthday is now fast approaching and it’s a big birthday. We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in. I suggested I could pay for us to stay there as a birthday gift. Having since looked at the prices, I realise it’s more expensive than I thought at a minimum of £600 per night. Discussed this with DP and suggested I book for us to stay there for 1 night (DP had originally indicated that he’d like for us to do a two night stay, to make the most of it) due to the cost. DP seemed rather disappointed by this and after some probing, he revealed that he felt that £1200 was more than reasonable to spend on such a big birthday and it’s not as if I can’t afford it. I pointed out to DP that it’s not about being able to “afford it”, it’s the fact that I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on a birthday gift, particularly so early on in our relationship. He continued muttering about it being a big birthday and at that point I reminded him that he’d spent £400 on my birthday gift, so even the one night stay of £600 would be considerably more than that (not that it’s about matching one another’s expenditure in any event!). DP’s response was that had my birthday been a “big birthday” he’d have spent a lot more than the £1,000 on me.

After all of the above has happened, AIBU in feeling as though DP is being completely ungrateful and quite frankly very grabby... or am I missing something? As it stands I’m tempted not to book anything at all. Would really appreciate your advice, as this feels like a red flag to me so early on.

OP posts:
Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:43

@hereyehearye

Honestly I hate people who are cheap and careful with others but love splurging for themselves. You give me that vibe. It's pretty unattractive.
I’d bet £1200 you’re a man 😂
VaggieMight · 12/10/2020 23:45

Whatever you do his birthday gift is a bit ruined now, I'm not suggesting it's your fault OP but it's an issue now and will be in the back of your minds on the day.

Getting into the nitty gritty of money on gifts so soon into a relationship is really odd, but expecting a £1200 gift 8 months in is very grabby. Ask him what he got for his last landmark birthday, I doubt it was a £1200 gift.

Pet8 · 12/10/2020 23:47

What's the big birthday? His 18th?

cabotstove · 12/10/2020 23:48

Well one night is pointless. Does he buy you much/pay for things in general?

cabotstove · 12/10/2020 23:50

You said you each earn 100k plus so £1200 may not be a big dent.

Original poster
WinterWsyi · 12/10/2020 23:50

@cabotstove meals and weekends away etc are usually either halved for big expenditures or he’ll pay for one weekend and then I’ll fund the next. It’s pretty even.

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 12/10/2020 23:51

I don't agree that one night is pointless at all.

Also, no matter what he thought any decent bloke would never push you to spend money on them and would have either said nothing or said 'let me treat us to the two nights'. I think no matter what you earn, it is odd to be spending money on each other in this 'reciprocal' kind of way so early on. LTB.

velocitykate · 12/10/2020 23:52

You both sound as if you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

grapewine · 12/10/2020 23:53

Agree that one night is pointless. But all this talk about what gifts cost this early on is a bit grabby. I think you are both unreasonable for that tbh.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:54

This thread is a prime example of why so many women end up subsiding men and having cocklodgers move in, because other women guilt trip them into it.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 23:55

*subsidising

wishing3 · 12/10/2020 23:56

I think it’s fair enough to say ‘Let's go away for 2 nights’ -I’d always choose that over 1. Feels like more of an event! But if I was saying that I’d offer to pay for one, and feel cheeky demanding done is treated me total nights when they’d offered one.

wishing3 · 12/10/2020 23:57

Gah-‘someone treated me to two nights when they’d offered one.’

LadySeaThing · 12/10/2020 23:57

I’m with you OP this would put me right off, but I’m not sure exactly why. It’s true that a two night stay is nice if you can afford it, and you can - and it’s not inconceivable that you could have spent 1200 - but it’s the moaning and entitlement that’s so offputting I think, and the actual amounts are a red herring. I’d find it a total turn off to have a man moping around because he didn’t think I was spending enough, when I was spending hundreds.

I do think that when you have a lot of money, it can get a bit ridiculous spending a lot on presents, as you can buy yourself what you want. Smaller, more token presents might actually be nicer and less stressful. E.g. in your situation I’d rather share bigger costs like a trip away, and be bought a nice box of chocs and some bubbly, or something the other person knows I like like a book, and have a nice dinner cooked for me on my birthday. Rather than angsting about whether enough has been spent (not that you did, but spending a lot in general can lead to that). It just makes the whole thing seem depressing and mercenary.

RationalOne · 12/10/2020 23:59

Oh dear.

Your 'relationship' is doomed!

Confused
wistfulchameleon · 12/10/2020 23:59

I don't understand why you are both discussing your salaries at such an early stage, pricing everything up and he's being utterly ridiculous and spoilt about how much you CHOOSE to spend on his birthday. What happened to it being the thought that counts?
Jesus Christ. I was married a few years ago to a wealthy man. I asked for nothing and made my own way. Any gift that he to gave me, I'd never have dreamed of asking how much it cost! Likewise, he was always happy to have received a gift from the heart, regardless of the fact it might be worthless to someone else.
You both need to grow the fuck up I think.

TulipsandDa1s1es · 13/10/2020 00:03

personally i would have booked it as you are gaining out of the situation and its a life experience. Also I doubt youve been away much due to lockdown so a lovely luxury weekend away sounds amazing.

HOWEVER. the minute you said no and it was our of your "comfort" boundaries, he shouldnt have pushed it. What he spent on you is irrelevant. that was HIS choice to spend that. Its incredibly grabby of him. He should have booked it himself if hes on a 100k salary and its something he really wants to do. Your offer of one night at £600 is more than generous and he should have accepted and not been a spoilt brat. I would personally now not give in or he will think this is acceptable.

SeaToSki · 13/10/2020 00:05

To me the important issue is not who spent what or wanted what spent on them. I would be more focussed on his reaction and how he handles his disappointment/chagrin/feelings of unfairness etc.

If he is mature about it and happy to discuss things openly and honestly, if he is willing to empathise with your point of view, if he is not stroppy and gas lighty etc.... then the relationship has some future and you can come to a happy compromise about gift giving in the future. If he doesn't communicate well and /or is an emotional drain about the whole thing then seriously reconsider the relationship.

MiddlesexGirl · 13/10/2020 00:07

If you want your relationship to survive you will need to talk this through without judgment.

Ireolu · 13/10/2020 00:13

I think you are both being unreasonable.
It's silly to one up each other and who decides what's a big birthday?...all birthdays in my personal view are special.

woofwoof1880 · 13/10/2020 00:17

He is being very unreadable expecting you to pay more than you are comfortable with. I'd be concerned that he expected so much from you this early in the relationship, regardless if it's a big birthday or not. The red flag for me is that he didn't respect your decision and argued with you over it. It would be a very big turn off for me I'm afraid.

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2020 00:18

I can't believe some of the responses that you're getting on here, OP. You are definitely not being unreasonable!

None of this is about how many nights you're going to spend in the hotel, how much you earn, how much each of you chose to spend on gifts or whether you should spend more for a big birthday so early on in a relationship. None of that matters.

This is about your bf's petulant and ungracious response to your choice of gift because he decided that he was entitled to something better. It's a massive red flag, OP.

Personally, I'd give him the £400 that he spent on your gift and run a mile in the opposite direction.

Viviennemary · 13/10/2020 00:22

Money seems to be extremely importsnt to both of you. You hinted at an expensive gift early on in the relationship and he bought it. Now you seem to begrudge him something he'd like even though it wouldn't make much of a dent in your finances.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 13/10/2020 00:23

This isn’t about the amount, this is him being an ungrateful brat because you’re not getting him exactly what he wants. It’s a GIFT, he should be grateful, you’re clearly putting the effort in and showing you care. He’s being arsehole and I’d be wary of this one...

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2020 00:29

"We had spoken about how to celebrate it and he mentioned a fancy hotel in the UK which he has always wanted to stay in."
Always wanted to stay in, but mysteriously - hasn't. Not that big a 'want' then, is it?

Stropping because you won't drop an enormous sum of money for his birthday; well, it's not really attractive to watch, is it?