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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want bfs kids at my house?

185 replies

AibuTellMe · 12/10/2020 18:05

Hear me out. Been with my bf for 2 years but we do not live together. He lives around a 40 minute drive away in his own flat. I live with my 2 teenagers. Just before lockdown his ex partners mum moved 2 doors away from me. She seems lovely and my partner helped her to move in as he was here anyway. He has 3 kids with his ex aged 11, 8 and 6 and they seem to visit their nan about 3 or 4 times a week after school. Here's my AIBU. Their mum knows my partner doesn't live here but he does stay over some nights and may pop in more on his way home from work. Their mum has started letting them knock on my door to see if they can come over whenever their dads car is outside (though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here). I work, have a house to clean and 2 teenagers in the house. It's starting to get annoying as they come before dinner and 4 extra people to feed was getting ridiculous so I just tell my kids to wait to eat after they leave. They help themselves to snacks and drinks which is fine but the costs do add up and as their dad doesn't live here he doesnt pay towards my food. I just want to come home from work and relax not have 3 extra kids. I see them most weekend as that's when he has them, though obviously they stay at his house. AIBU to want to get home from work, pour a glass of wine and sit on the sofa without 3 kids knocking. I know they are my partners kids but he doesn't live with me and it's getting annoying as I cannot see it ending. AIBU for being pissed off? I've told my bf its a bit annoying but he just says they obviously like it here.

OP posts:
marmite79 · 12/10/2020 18:10

YANBU. If your partner was living with you I think it would be more difficult to say no but he isn’t living with your so YANBU! Not really your responsibility!

AlexaShutUp · 12/10/2020 18:10

Yanbu. Your bf needs to deal with this. At the very least, he needs to cover the cost of what they're eating and drinking!

I'd be really pissed off with his response tbh.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2020 18:10

When they come knocking, don't allow them in. Tell they you're busy and have things to attend to.

VettiyaIruken · 12/10/2020 18:11

Who cares if he says they like it there? It's absolutely fine to say that you don't want this.

Or if you prefer to try a compromise you could tell him you are not feeding 3 extra children and if he expects that then he pays for their food! Also they aren't to come round more than X times a week. Or - he pops to their grandma's house instead.

justanotherremainer · 12/10/2020 18:12

This is tricky OP.

On the one hand, you are ANBU to wait to relax and enjoy your house after a days work.

On the other hand, you are in a LTR with a man who has young kids. You probably should have expected his kids to be a big part of your life. In a way it’s really nice that they want to hang out with you!

On balance though, I think your DP needs to step in and deal with this for you. They can be an enjoyable and important part of your life without moving in!

Original poster
AibuTellMe · 12/10/2020 18:13

Thank god for your replies I was starting to think i was a total cow. I am going to have to speak to him again about it.

OP posts:
justanotherremainer · 12/10/2020 18:13

Also, no man would ever have this problem.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2020 18:15

Yes to speaking to him about this, but you also have to be assertive and not allow them in if you're not up for a visit.

TaraR2020 · 12/10/2020 18:16

I don't agree that you should refuse them entry, you'd be standing in the way of their relationship, however your situation is unfair. Your bf should definitely be contributing to costs and should expect his children to behave like guests in your house until you give permission otherwise.
I don't know how his ex feels about you, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was a little sneaky on her part to cause some discord.
Step carefully, this is your bfs children and they have more right to him than you do...but, boundaries need to be in place- they need to behave properly and respectfully when they visit and he needs to actively contribute. You need to agree comfortable boundaries about sharing your home without hindering his relationship...
I also wonder how your children feel about it?

nimbuscloud · 12/10/2020 18:17

You probably should have expected his kids to be a big part of your life. In a way it’s really nice that they want to hang out with you!

What????

EatDessertFirst · 12/10/2020 18:18

@VettiyaIruken

Who cares if he says they like it there? It's absolutely fine to say that you don't want this.

Or if you prefer to try a compromise you could tell him you are not feeding 3 extra children and if he expects that then he pays for their food! Also they aren't to come round more than X times a week. Or - he pops to their grandma's house instead.

This ^^

Its a tough one as you have chosen to be in a relationship with a man with children but that does not mean you have to be their chef and bottlewasher. He needs to pay for the extra food, do all the running around, cooking and tidying up after them, leaving your home how they found it.

If they are at their grandparents that much, then he should go visit them there. Maybe have one agreed night for them to be at yours. You are entitled to peace and quiet with your own children in your family home.

Honeybobbin · 12/10/2020 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReallyLazy · 12/10/2020 18:20

Ah OP, that is difficult. Ultimately its your house, your life and up to you. They are his kids and he needs to deal with it. However, they are young but old enough to know when they are being shunned. I feel for you.

Honeybobbin · 12/10/2020 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 12/10/2020 18:23

How us op standing in the way of their relationship? BF can take them out, take them to his house or see them at grandma's. I should imagine BF is happy with the status quo as he doesn't have to make the effort

lunar1 · 12/10/2020 18:23

From your perspective I completely get it, it would drive me nuts.

But from the perspective of the children it's a bit rotten. They can't come over because their dad is busy playing happy families with you and your children and they aren't welcome.

I honestly don't know what the answer is, the situation isn't fair on you or his children.

IHateCoronavirus · 12/10/2020 18:24

A one off now and then fair enough but regularly would bother me too. What’s lockdown like where you live op? In these parts we would have the perfect excuse. Grin

Mintjulia · 12/10/2020 18:25

Just tell them you are all still working and you'll send their dad over when he gets home. Then close the door.

fairynick · 12/10/2020 18:27

I honestly think the only solution is for one of you to move house.
Really unfair in the kids if their dad is two doors down and they feel like they’re forbidden to knock on for him.
Also unfair in you because that is just not your problem at all.

WineGummyBear · 12/10/2020 18:31

I agree you need to figure out what's acceptable for you. What's the preferred outcome from your point of view (and your kids)? A set night? Contribution for food? He washes up? All of the above?

At the end of the day, it's all acceptable because it's your home and it's up to you who you welcome into it and when.

Not loving his response when you brought it up, he seems to think that you should be so flattered to have his children's approval and honoured to provide for his whole family. Yes, it's nice they feel welcome but they are his children to provide for, entertain and tidy up after.

And also..another vote for no man would ever have this problem.

FlorenceNightshade · 12/10/2020 18:33

No way I’d be putting up with that! Definitely tell your BF that if they appear at your door he’s responsible for feeding them, maybe he could buy a stash of juice etc to keep at yours. I absolutely wouldn’t let them in if he’s not there but it doesn’t sound like you have been. I think you basically have to sit down and discuss what you are happy with and what’s not ok with you. Then he tell kids and their mum/gran so everyone is on the same page

Harrysblondie · 12/10/2020 18:33

Oh hell no!

Tricky though OP. I know if this was my kids one of them would be shouting ‘daaaaaaaaaaadddyy’ through the letter box Grin

How on Earth are you going to tell him his children can’t come and say hello 😬

This is in for the long haul and tread carefully as this kind of shit offends easily. Good luck!!

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 12/10/2020 18:34

You should maybe think about some kind of routine. You sont live together so your house is not their house. If you ever move in together, then their dad's home is also their home but that isnt the case here.

He has them at the weekends, and if you 2 have a date night during the week then that needs to be kept as your time. If their mum has a date at the weekend, but they're all at your house, are they allowed to just go back home to hang out with mum and her date? Or would she send them back because that's not her time with them?

It's your house; not his so make a rule. Maybe the kids can visit one night but other than that, it's your house and he doesnt live there so he cant invite his kids over. He can take them out if he wants to see them.

If you move in together and he starts paying half of everything then things change but not before.

Nanny0gg · 12/10/2020 18:35

What are your plans for the future with him?

Will you be living together? Or just keeping it boyfriend/girlfriend like now?

Really, it's for the GM to stop them coming round as well as your BF telling them not to. And he needs to find a time to get them from their DGM to see them himself or to visit them there

boarboar · 12/10/2020 18:36

When they knock tell them youre just busy sorting something but you'll send their dad round to their nans.

Not an easy situation.

Realistically even if they like you a lot they probably just want to see their dad, so send him round to them and enjoy your house in peace.

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