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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want bfs kids at my house?

185 replies

AibuTellMe · 12/10/2020 18:05

Hear me out. Been with my bf for 2 years but we do not live together. He lives around a 40 minute drive away in his own flat. I live with my 2 teenagers. Just before lockdown his ex partners mum moved 2 doors away from me. She seems lovely and my partner helped her to move in as he was here anyway. He has 3 kids with his ex aged 11, 8 and 6 and they seem to visit their nan about 3 or 4 times a week after school. Here's my AIBU. Their mum knows my partner doesn't live here but he does stay over some nights and may pop in more on his way home from work. Their mum has started letting them knock on my door to see if they can come over whenever their dads car is outside (though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here). I work, have a house to clean and 2 teenagers in the house. It's starting to get annoying as they come before dinner and 4 extra people to feed was getting ridiculous so I just tell my kids to wait to eat after they leave. They help themselves to snacks and drinks which is fine but the costs do add up and as their dad doesn't live here he doesnt pay towards my food. I just want to come home from work and relax not have 3 extra kids. I see them most weekend as that's when he has them, though obviously they stay at his house. AIBU to want to get home from work, pour a glass of wine and sit on the sofa without 3 kids knocking. I know they are my partners kids but he doesn't live with me and it's getting annoying as I cannot see it ending. AIBU for being pissed off? I've told my bf its a bit annoying but he just says they obviously like it here.

OP posts:
BewilderedDoughnut · 12/10/2020 19:57

He has 3 kids with his ex aged 11, 8 and 6

That’s a lot of baggage. I’d call it quits anyway to be honest!

Eviebeans · 12/10/2020 19:57

Does their mum have a new partner? Or new job? Something that's making her want more child free time?

HowDifficultWouldThisBe · 12/10/2020 19:59

I bet that if you start sending Dad to exMIL to say hello, it won’t be very long before MIL complains she doesn’t want him there and ask for the children to visit less.

I do think ExMIL is offloading a lot of the care she does for her daughter on you. It is a bit strange that they all show together at your door, I bet exMIL is sending them to you to get them out of her hair, problem is... if she finds them too much she needs to address that with their mother not you unless you end up leaving together AND they change the contact pattern, which would then be a discussion you need to take part in as it would affect you and your teens.

HowDifficultWouldThisBe · 12/10/2020 20:00

Living together not leaving together 🤦🏻‍♀️

DespairingHomeowner · 12/10/2020 20:02

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@DespairingHomeowner

It's his ex MIL who lives a few doors down, not his mum. The OP said that the children's mum (his ex) has told them they're allowed to go round to the OP's house if they see their dad's car outside. The MIL has probably been told it's all OK.[/quote]
Thanks for correcting me ladies - clearly I’ve turned my brain off for the night. Still, he should go there..

eatsleepread · 12/10/2020 20:03

Gosh, this is so very cold. Sad

Couldn't you start creating some boundaries, so that they can come to yours once per week? And make sure your partner discusses this with the children's grandmother. Then everyone will be on the same page and know what's happening.

hesaidshesaidwhat · 12/10/2020 20:04

I think the OP's DP is handling this situation very well, like many men would, he expects OP to entertain and feed his children as they 'like it'. What about what the OP wants, he isn't showing you much respect here is he? Although actually that was your first mistake OP - why oh why did you ever let this happen in the first place?

It is your house, your rules (and also this affects your children - what about them?). Stop letting them in, stop feeding them and tell them their Dad will pop down and see them. If you DP kicks off or asks what the problem is, it's easy - your house, you want your space, ask him why he can't go to his ex MIL to see the children.

Leaannb · 12/10/2020 20:05

@TaraR2020

I don't agree that you should refuse them entry, you'd be standing in the way of their relationship, however your situation is unfair. Your bf should definitely be contributing to costs and should expect his children to behave like guests in your house until you give permission otherwise. I don't know how his ex feels about you, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was a little sneaky on her part to cause some discord. Step carefully, this is your bfs children and they have more right to him than you do...but, boundaries need to be in place- they need to behave properly and respectfully when they visit and he needs to actively contribute. You need to agree comfortable boundaries about sharing your home without hindering his relationship... I also wonder how your children feel about it?
How os she standing in the way of their relationship. Their father isn't there. He is 40 minutes away in his own flat. They are visiting g their maternal grandmother
BewilderedDoughnut · 12/10/2020 20:05

I’d literally move house and not tell a single one of them where I was. Nothing worse that having three kids come over unannounced.

bethany39 · 12/10/2020 20:09

@Leaannb don't they only go to the OP's when their dad's car is there?

IndecentFeminist · 12/10/2020 20:11

Yes. Apart from what sounds like once or twice

though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here

Dontbeme · 12/10/2020 20:20

How often does he have the DC at your house when he has his contact time OP? Does he have them on his own mostly? Seems like mum, dad and the gran are trying to outsource childcare and meal times to you. Is he really worth the hassle? What do your DC think of having their home disrupted by them all.

Elizadoeslittle19 · 12/10/2020 20:22

So have I got this right, you, your partner's ex MIL, his ex partner and kids all live in the same town (with ex MIL only 2 doors down from you)? yet your DP lives a 40 minute drive from you... yet he pops into yours on his way home from work... ?? sounds like it would be easier if he moved to your town then his kids could just go to his house.
Do you know why the kids go to their nan's 3-4 times a week after school? If its because if childcare then I agree with PPs that either their mum or nan or both of them are sending them your way for a number of reasons.
Again as many PPs have said I would agree the kids and your DP all stay for dinner on a Tuesday for example... if you want him to contribute towards the cost of the extra food then ask him.
You need to also tell your DP that you are busy with work etc and don't have the time to entertain his kids after school and tell him to ask them to stop coming to yours after school. If he is at yours, perhaps you could agree to an hour or so before they go back to their mum's?

MeridianB · 12/10/2020 20:26

@Leeds2

If BF isn't there when they knock, I would send them back to grandma's and tell them you will ask daddy to call round when he is there. I wouldn't let them in. If they come round when he is there, send them home when it is time for dinner and tell them that there isn't enough for them too as you didn't know they were coming. Or, tell them daddy will order them a pizza or similar, which he ca n pay for. That might concentrate his mind a little!
This. And I agree with PP who said it’s odd that he doesn’t proactively visit them there when he comes to yours.

Is he a good dad and partner apart from this?

MeridianB · 12/10/2020 20:29

@eatsleepread

Gosh, this is so very cold. Sad

Couldn't you start creating some boundaries, so that they can come to yours once per week? And make sure your partner discusses this with the children's grandmother. Then everyone will be on the same page and know what's happening.

Why should someone provide weekly childcare and meals for someone else’s three children when they work full time, have children of their own and the partner is not even there?

If she WANTS to do it, fine, but between their parents and granny you’d think the children would be taken care of.

LunchBoxPolice · 12/10/2020 20:31

Yanbu.

The kids go to their nan’s house 3 or 4 times a week after school and to their dad most weekends.. sounds like their mum is happy to palm them off whenever she can.

ChocolateCherrybomb · 12/10/2020 20:33

His ex, his ex MIL and him are all using you as an unpaid babysitter and tuck shop/cafe. Not one of them even consulted you and it's YOUR house and YOUR time and care.

This is freaking nuts.

He is only your sodding boyfriend, he does not live with you.

If his workplace was two doors down, do you think his kids would be allowed in whenever they saw his car outside to run riot and eat everyone's lunches. It's not very different because he does not live with you, he does not contribute, he is only a visitor. Visitors don't get rights over someone else's home let alone get to make them involuntary child minders and feeders.

You are surrounded bycheeky fuckers.
Put your foot down or get out of this "partnership"

Harrysblondie · 12/10/2020 20:42

It’s not oddly passive.

He is there dad. His children are outside and he will want to see them. What kind of parent would deny their children outside the door?

Can you imagine if you are at your boyfriends and your kids are knocking on the front door wanting to come in and have a packet of crisps? How guilty would you feel if you told them to go away when they just wanted to show you a picture they drew in school or tell you about scoring a goal in football?

When would the resentment start to kick in when you’ve told your kids they can’t knock on the door Monday -Friday even though they know your in the house and you can see them through the window going in their nans or playing in the garden?

Fuck knows how OP is going to get around this unscathed it’s a bad situation.

I’d honestly be tempted to say ‘Look this wasn’t the deal, I know it’s not your fault but this is untenable - it’s not you it’s me!’

Shizzlestix · 12/10/2020 20:52

Why isn’t he popping in on them AND HIS OWN MOTHER now and again? Would you be annoyed if he did that for eg an hour after work then came to yours for rest of evening or any reason not to do it that way?

Exactly this and why did the ex mil move in 2 doors away from the OP? Very odd coincidence!

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/10/2020 21:01

@LunchBoxPolice

Yanbu.

The kids go to their nan’s house 3 or 4 times a week after school and to their dad most weekends.. sounds like their mum is happy to palm them off whenever she can.

Even if it were every weekend at their dads and every after school at their nan’s, she will still be responsible for them far more than their dad.

Trying to paint her as the bad guy when he’s spending less time with them (and not the tiresome chivvying them along for school etc. while desperately trying to get ready for work yourself time either) really highlights how deeply sexist our culture is when it comes to mothers.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 12/10/2020 21:02

Yes to speaking to him about this, but you also have to be assertive and not allow them in if you're not up for a visit

Poor kids - surely you don't mean this for times when their father is in?
OP your relationship will not last if you start turning his kids away at the door.

Poor, poor kids, knowing that Dad is 2 doors away - of course they want to see him Sad

OP: say you love seeing his kids but it is really awkward having them on the hop, and maybe he should promise to go and see them at their Nan's when they are there?

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/10/2020 21:05

Why should someone provide weekly childcare and meals for someone else’s three children when they work full time, have children of their own and the partner is not even there?

No one is suggesting she should provide childcare. She shouldn’t. And she isn’t being asked to. The children are knocking to see if their dad is available, not the OP.

WildfirePonie · 12/10/2020 21:05

No no no. Yanbu. And don't let him move into your house.

LindaEllen · 12/10/2020 21:07

It must be hard for the kids to see that their dad is there, but not be able to go and see him, but all the same, if I was you, I wouldn't be happy with the situation whatsoever.

Is there any way he can go and say hello to them after work before he comes round to yours? That way he's seen them, but you don't get bombarded.

ktp100 · 12/10/2020 21:11

If he's not there, they shouldn't be knocking. End of. And your DP should be chipping in for the food they've eaten.

He needs to sort this, OP. You have the right to be comfortable in your own home.