Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want bfs kids at my house?

185 replies

AibuTellMe · 12/10/2020 18:05

Hear me out. Been with my bf for 2 years but we do not live together. He lives around a 40 minute drive away in his own flat. I live with my 2 teenagers. Just before lockdown his ex partners mum moved 2 doors away from me. She seems lovely and my partner helped her to move in as he was here anyway. He has 3 kids with his ex aged 11, 8 and 6 and they seem to visit their nan about 3 or 4 times a week after school. Here's my AIBU. Their mum knows my partner doesn't live here but he does stay over some nights and may pop in more on his way home from work. Their mum has started letting them knock on my door to see if they can come over whenever their dads car is outside (though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here). I work, have a house to clean and 2 teenagers in the house. It's starting to get annoying as they come before dinner and 4 extra people to feed was getting ridiculous so I just tell my kids to wait to eat after they leave. They help themselves to snacks and drinks which is fine but the costs do add up and as their dad doesn't live here he doesnt pay towards my food. I just want to come home from work and relax not have 3 extra kids. I see them most weekend as that's when he has them, though obviously they stay at his house. AIBU to want to get home from work, pour a glass of wine and sit on the sofa without 3 kids knocking. I know they are my partners kids but he doesn't live with me and it's getting annoying as I cannot see it ending. AIBU for being pissed off? I've told my bf its a bit annoying but he just says they obviously like it here.

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 12/10/2020 19:08

I think it really depends where you see your relationship going longer term. The DC are obviously at their GP's a lot, are they being dumped on her by BF's Ex? There could be any number of reasons why they are knocking on your door so often.

At the very least BF needs to be contributing to food if he is coming to you more than you are going to his and that's aside from his DC coming over. He needs to have a conversation with you about what is acceptable and what's not and then speak to Ex/GP/DC about bee routines. Your house can't just be used as a convenient place to meet - it's too intrusive for you and your children. Maybe have a day they are all at yours but BF pays for/organises food and other days he pops his head into GP's for a quick catchup with the DC if he's coming over to you. A few more boundaries for everyone are what's needed.

Cocomarine · 12/10/2020 19:09

How does he have them on the weekend, and how often is that without you?

TheTeenageYears · 12/10/2020 19:09

New not bee routines

1Morewineplease · 12/10/2020 19:09

If these visits to your house are during his contact time then he should be there.
You shouldn't be financing their food and drink. Your boyfriend needs to step up here. While it's lively that his children feel comfortable with popping in to your home , you are not responsible for them.
I'm assuming that their nan is more than happy for them to crash at your's?

You and your boyfriend need to discuss boundaries.

Frankola · 12/10/2020 19:12

This is a tricky one to deal with because its really nice that the kids like to pop in to see you and their dad, however, as you say this is your own house and your partner does not live with you.

I completely understand you want your own time with your family unit without unplanned visits.

This one is down to your partner and his ex to sort out im afraid. You need to be explicit about this.

I also get the feeling his ex is taking the piss a bit if there's a pattern to them turning up at meal times etc.

While he sorts it get him to park his car round the corner out of sight Grin

SewingBeeAddict · 12/10/2020 19:13

@ThePluckOfTheCoward

YANBU Op. Your DP is taking the piss. I understand the kids wanting to see their Dad, but if he is just a couple of doors away from them when they visit their DGM why isn't he taking the initiative and visiting them at their DGMs house or having them at his house, I'll tell you why, because like a lot of useless fathers he wants a women, any woman, to feed, water and look after his kids and if it's not his ex, his ex MIL then it will be you. You need to put firm boundaries in place, it's not his right to tell you who you entertain in your home.
Nailed it! He doesnt want this to stop as you then look after and feed his kids for free.
OhCaptain · 12/10/2020 19:13

If he’s not there, I wouldn’t answer the door. Literally I’d ignore it.

And I’d tell him to start bringing snacks and drinks when he comes over so that when they call while he car is there, he’s providing for them and not completely taking the piss out of you.

If he doesn’t want to do that then he needs to talk to his ex and tell her the kids can’t call in (though I think that’s awful tbh).

Intelinside57 · 12/10/2020 19:13

He's not taking responsibility for anything. For dealing with the fact that his children are now regularly close by so he could see them at MIL's. For the fact that your life is getting massively disrupted. For the fact that he and his children are costing you money and he should be paying you something. I'd be thinking about binning him to be honest.

Leeds2 · 12/10/2020 19:15

If BF isn't there when they knock, I would send them back to grandma's and tell them you will ask daddy to call round when he is there. I wouldn't let them in.
If they come round when he is there, send them home when it is time for dinner and tell them that there isn't enough for them too as you didn't know they were coming. Or, tell them daddy will order them a pizza or similar, which he ca n pay for. That might concentrate his mind a little!

Berthatydfil · 12/10/2020 19:16

It sounds hard for them to know he is a couple of doors away and can’t see him, so to be honest if he knows they are at their grandmothers he should be popping in to see them or taking them out for an hour - weather and COVID permitting or bringing round tea / takeout to their nans place.
If he’s not making much effort to see them even for a quick visit if he knows they are there I would be having doubt s about him.

If they are at their grandmothers so often when does he get time with them?

SBTLove · 12/10/2020 19:17

Does nobody read the OPs comments? the kids come to her door when their dad ISN’T there so she’s not trying to stand in the way of his relationship with them.
OP just say sorry I’m busy maybe another day, seems odd all 3 come to your door, I’d be thinking granny sends them.

Eddielzzard · 12/10/2020 19:23

Your DP isn't handling this situation very well. I wouldn't let my kids regularly eat my partner's food without contributing towards the costs. That's really mean and he's taking advantage. He's also not prepared to enforce your boundaries with his kids. What about your kids and their time with you? I'm sure they want to come home and relax after their long days too.

HE needs to think of a kind way to set boundaries with them that doesn't make them feel pushed out. It's not your problem to facilitate and bend over backwards to accommodate their relationship. Granny and Ex are there for that.

They are ALL (DP, Ex, Ex-MIL) taking advantage of you. I'd ask him to deal with it, and if he doesn't it's really not a good sign.

ilikemethewayiam · 12/10/2020 19:26

No, No, No! You just say you are too busy when you get back from work. You have your chores to do. Kids accept what ever they’re told. It’s the adults who are being irresponsible here. Their gran and your BF should have more respect. No way would I accept this especially the walking into you house and helping themselves to your stuff! they appear to have no boundaries or manners.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 19:33

Agree, but even if the boyfriend is there it’s not up to OP to feed his kids.

Laurendelight · 12/10/2020 19:36

You’re not obliged to let them in your home at all. Your boyfriend doesn’t live with you and doesn’t pay towards household bills. Tell them to go back to their grans house. If they knock when your boyfriend is there he shouldn’t be answering the door let alone inviting them in.

IndecentFeminist · 12/10/2020 19:36

She said though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here, which says to me that it isn't a regular thing and that they didn't come in.

NessieMcNessface · 12/10/2020 19:41

Sorry but I absolutely could not stand it! Just reading your OP made my blood run cold. Even if I am being completely mean, I would just have to knock it on the head regardless of the consequences.

Suzi888 · 12/10/2020 19:45

YANBU he needs to pay towards food and it should only be a couple of times a week - if it suits you!
Though if he does move in with you, it sounds like his children will be too.Hmm Something to think about...

Alexandernevermind · 12/10/2020 19:45

Those poor children. You have a DP problem.

Nottherealslimshady · 12/10/2020 19:45

God no. I'd move house. I hate drop ins but especially someone elses kids who expect feeding. At the very least you need to be telling him "were having our dinner now so do you want to take your kids out for dinner or are they going back to their mums?" He's out if order to allow you or expect you to feed his three kids out of your own pocket.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/10/2020 19:47

Don’t let them in when he isn’t there. Tell him to tell his ex MIL not to let them come over. When you agree they’re welcome when he’s there he can buy the food.

The whole thing is weird. Put your foot down.

Eviebeans · 12/10/2020 19:48

I'm not sure why the children are with the grandmother so often but 3 youngish children could be proving a bit much for granny to handle on her own several times a week...

OhCaptain · 12/10/2020 19:48

I seriously wouldn’t open the door. Literally wouldn’t answer it.

WinWinnieTheWay · 12/10/2020 19:52

It's tricky isn't it. They obviously like you and that's great, but you didn't sign up for that.

Can you say to your bf that you've never been good with people popping in and could he maybe manage the situation somehow? I think that rather make it about his kids, pitch it that having five kids in your home most evenings is too much.

Tiktaktoe · 12/10/2020 19:57

I agree with @Nottherealslimshady
At the very least you need to be telling him "were having our dinner now so do you want to take your kids out for dinner or are they going back to their mums?

Swipe left for the next trending thread