AIBU to not want bfs kids at my house?

[AibuTellMe]

Hear me out. Been with my bf for 2 years but we do not live together. He lives around a 40 minute drive away in his own flat. I live with my 2 teenagers. Just before lockdown his ex partners mum moved 2 doors away from me. She seems lovely and my partner helped her to move in as he was here anyway. He has 3 kids with his ex aged 11, 8 and 6 and they seem to visit their nan about 3 or 4 times a week after school. Here's my AIBU. Their mum knows my partner doesn't live here but he does stay over some nights and may pop in more on his way home from work. Their mum has started letting them knock on my door to see if they can come over whenever their dads car is outside (though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here). I work, have a house to clean and 2 teenagers in the house. It's starting to get annoying as they come before dinner and 4 extra people to feed was getting ridiculous so I just tell my kids to wait to eat after they leave. They help themselves to snacks and drinks which is fine but the costs do add up and as their dad doesn't live here he doesnt pay towards my food. I just want to come home from work and relax not have 3 extra kids. I see them most weekend as that's when he has them, though obviously they stay at his house. AIBU to want to get home from work, pour a glass of wine and sit on the sofa without 3 kids knocking. I know they are my partners kids but he doesn't live with me and it's getting annoying as I cannot see it ending. AIBU for being pissed off? I've told my bf its a bit annoying but he just says they obviously like it here.

absolutely not acceptable. I'd be tempted to dump him if this goes on ffs.

I think your boyfiend is a CF to regularly spring the 4 of them on you for dinner. It doesn't bode well, OP. Nip it in the bud asap.

I also think the kids are cheeky shits for knocking on your door and helping themselves to snacks when they know their dad isn't there because his car isn't there.

Do you get the sense boyfriend expects you to feed them?

That’s a really tricky one!
I want to say - your house, he doesn’t live there, no kids.

But... this is a 6yo (and up) who has to accept that they can’t see daddy who is 2 doors down - because he’d rather be with you.

Assuming as yours are teens they can he left, I’d consider moving some of your “date nights” to his house.

Is there a pattern to them going to their grandmother? I’d consider that and see if he can tie in with that a bit.

More pressing though... why hasn’t he already jumped in to pay did the cost of them eating at yours?

And why have you just allowed them to help themselves? None of my child’s friends would take my snacks without (through my child) asking first.

It’s really shit of him not to have jumped in with food costs.

One other thing, please don’t assume I’m man-bashing here! But... what’s his contact schedule like? Does he spend quality time with them? Or are these visits becausey don’t get to see him much / don’t get quality time when they do? It’s easier to enforce a “can’t go to see daddy at GF’s house tonight” line, if they see lots of him.

I think, if you’re going to date someone with kids, that you can’t really tell them to go away when he’s there having, effectively, family time with your family.

He, though, should be taking more responsibility for what they do and eat at in your home. And he should probably be trying to arrange to spend more time with them midweek instead of just at the weekends. He clearly has the time.

As to them stopping you from relaxing on the sofa after work... I’d absolutely enforce sending them back to grandma if he’s not in, and for him to talk to XMIL about not sending them over unless he’s texted to say he’s there.

I know just having other people in the house isn’t relaxing, but if they’re having dinner with you, say, by agreement once per week... on that day they arrive after he gets to yours - and he’s the one bringing the food, serving it, and clearing it up. Whilst they’re there he, not you, is Entertainments Officer.

Seems rather odd his ex MIL moved to house so near yours - how was that I wonder?

Knocking when he is there is to be expected, IMO. It would be weird for them to be a couple of doors down without seeing their dad. But a chat has to be had with him about their raiding the cupboards etc, he needs to be contributing if he wants this kind of combined relationship.

If I have this right, he pops in to your house mid week, his children are often at their nan's two doors down at the same time, and he never pops in to see them there? They've resorted to looking out for his car and knocking on the door to check if he is there? What an utter dickhead of a dad.

Easy solution: he tells nan that whenever he is at yours midweek he will always pop in to hers to chat to his children first.

Why isn’t he popping in on them AND HIS OWN MOTHER now and again? Would you be annoyed if he did that for eg an hour after work then came to yours for rest of evening or any reason not to do it that way?

YANBU. But on the other hand it must be really hurtful for his children to know he's a few doors away but they can't see him. Why doesn't he go round there for a short while to say hello.

YANBU. MIL is doing it on purpose- you think she'd want to spend time with her GC not push them on to you unless... it was planned.

Their mum has started letting them knock on my door to see if they can come over whenever their dads car is outside

But that wasn't for her to decide, was it

Your partner is being oddly passive about your boundaries being stomped all over by his children and ex-partner and that is what should be ringing alarm bells.

His ex-MIL moving a few doors down from you is a bit weird too.

@DespairingHomeowner

Why isn’t he popping in on them AND HIS OWN MOTHER now and again? Would you be annoyed if he did that for eg an hour after work then came to yours for rest of evening or any reason not to do it that way?

Not his mother Despairing. It’s his ex-MiL.

But they are his kids.

They certainly shouldn't be coming round when their dad is not there.

@DespairingHomeowner

Why isn’t he popping in on them AND HIS OWN MOTHER now and again? Would you be annoyed if he did that for eg an hour after work then came to yours for rest of evening or any reason not to do it that way?

@DespairingHomeowner it’s not his mum.

Though I agree it’s pathetic that his own kids are 2 doors up and he hasn’t asked XMIL if he can come to see them.

@DespairingHomeowner

It's his ex MIL who lives a few doors down, not his mum. The OP said that the children's mum (his ex) has told them they're allowed to go round to the OP's house if they see their dad's car outside. The MIL has probably been told it's all OK.

You either need to move house or dump him.

Anyway, you’re sorted if you’re Tier 2 or 3 from Wednesday...

Your BF is a CF. He should be taking them to his house or seeing them at his parents or his ex’s. This is NOT your job, and it’s rotten of them to make it your job. Once or twice a week maybe, and even then one of those nights you should all go over to his place. If he wants to see them that much he should buy a house nearby. And you certainly shouldn’t be paying for meals and snacks. Does he pay any contribution to food at all, even before his ex moved nearby? You need to have a sharp word with him.

He sounds like he wants weekends only and the rest of the time everyone else can look after his children. He's passing responsibility to you. Tell him to sort his shit out or dump him. If he has so much time why is his mum looking after them anyway?

Personally I'd hide the snacks. Tell them to go to nan's if hungry. If they want to see dad tell him to go to his mum's with them.

If he's not at your house I just wouldn't answer the door.

Just tell them you will send their dad to granny’s as soon as he arrives.

I have a strong belief that contact times are for the non resident parent to maintain and develop their bonding with their kids. So it is particularly important that a good chunk of that contact time should be spent by the parent taking care of the kids alone. Honestly, it is good for the kids and the dad, many dads often fall in the bad habit of palming the care of the kids to family or new partners therefore missing into the opportunity of improving their parental and housekeeping skills as well as their relationship with their kids.

Send the kids and dad to grandma and on the weekends, when he has them, just ensure they spent at least half of the time with their dad but not with you, as you also need the time to focus on your kids and their needs without distractions when BF is not around.

YANBU

Stop opening the door and close the curtains.

Tell your BF it's getting a bit much and could they text him to see if he's there before he comes knocking. Then he can pop over to see them, rather than them knocking on your door.

YANBU Op. Your DP is taking the piss. I understand the kids wanting to see their Dad, but if he is just a couple of doors away from them when they visit their DGM why isn't he taking the initiative and visiting them at their DGMs house or having them at his house, I'll tell you why, because like a lot of useless fathers he wants a women, any woman, to feed, water and look after his kids and if it's not his ex, his ex MIL then it will be you. You need to put firm boundaries in place, it's not his right to tell you who you entertain in your home.

Time to set some boundaries.

Their mum had NO right telling them it was ok to come knock on your door, especially not if he's not there.

You are not obliged to let them in if he's not there.

Tell his Ex and Ex MIL that you're busy, and send them back again.

Maybe pre arrange one night a week they can pop over, if you dont mind that, (with no obligation to feed them, send them back when its dinner time)

If you BF IS there, if should still be up to you if you feed them or not. he should be contributing to the food they're eating or sending them back to grandma's, who they're actually MEANT to be visiting.

If any of them object to this, dump him.