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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want bfs kids at my house?

185 replies

AibuTellMe · 12/10/2020 18:05

Hear me out. Been with my bf for 2 years but we do not live together. He lives around a 40 minute drive away in his own flat. I live with my 2 teenagers. Just before lockdown his ex partners mum moved 2 doors away from me. She seems lovely and my partner helped her to move in as he was here anyway. He has 3 kids with his ex aged 11, 8 and 6 and they seem to visit their nan about 3 or 4 times a week after school. Here's my AIBU. Their mum knows my partner doesn't live here but he does stay over some nights and may pop in more on his way home from work. Their mum has started letting them knock on my door to see if they can come over whenever their dads car is outside (though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here). I work, have a house to clean and 2 teenagers in the house. It's starting to get annoying as they come before dinner and 4 extra people to feed was getting ridiculous so I just tell my kids to wait to eat after they leave. They help themselves to snacks and drinks which is fine but the costs do add up and as their dad doesn't live here he doesnt pay towards my food. I just want to come home from work and relax not have 3 extra kids. I see them most weekend as that's when he has them, though obviously they stay at his house. AIBU to want to get home from work, pour a glass of wine and sit on the sofa without 3 kids knocking. I know they are my partners kids but he doesn't live with me and it's getting annoying as I cannot see it ending. AIBU for being pissed off? I've told my bf its a bit annoying but he just says they obviously like it here.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 12/10/2020 21:12

@BoomBoomsCousin

Why should someone provide weekly childcare and meals for someone else’s three children when they work full time, have children of their own and the partner is not even there?

No one is suggesting she should provide childcare. She shouldn’t. And she isn’t being asked to. The children are knocking to see if their dad is available, not the OP.

That was a response to a poster who said OP was cold for not making an arrangement to have them for dinner once a week even when their dad is not there.
LindaEllen · 12/10/2020 21:12

@LunchBoxPolice

Yanbu.

The kids go to their nan’s house 3 or 4 times a week after school and to their dad most weekends.. sounds like their mum is happy to palm them off whenever she can.

I don't think she's being unreasonable either but for god's sake, what a ridiculous thing to say about the children's mother.

This is 'mumsnet', where we should be supporting other mums (and of course dads!) in the struggles they go through raising kids. The mum probably has to work to feed her sodding kids, so how dare you accuse her of 'palming the kids off' on her mum after school. In many, MANY households, that's standard. And she isn't 'palming them off' on the dad at the weekends either, as that's his time with them!

Give your head a shake.

zatarontoast · 12/10/2020 21:20

YANBU OP, but your issue should be with your DP rather than his kids. He is a CF.

LunchBoxPolice · 12/10/2020 21:21

@LindaEllen oh dear, touched a nerve?

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 21:22

@LindaEllen is right

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/10/2020 21:22

MeridianB The poster you responded to did not suggest she have the children round for dinner when their dad wasn’t there, she just suggested they formalize at once per week with an implication they wouldn’t then come any other day. You’d have to be trying hard to read A twisted scenario into it to see it as a suggestion the OP host the kids without the dad.

Christmasfairy2020 · 12/10/2020 21:23

You are been unreasonable. Them poor kids least the mum trusts u

Devlesko · 12/10/2020 21:27

Strange the ex moving so close, did they decide together?
Your bf is taking the piss, just say no to visits whilst he's at yours.
I think they planned this between them.

CambsAlways · 12/10/2020 21:35

Well I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, I’d be having a few words in his shell like(ear) for one he doesn’t live with you, also why doesn’t he go to see them and see his mum at the same time, he’s taking the piss, I can understand how they would like to see their dad, but coming round and eating at your house and him not dipping his hand in his pocket to give you a bit of money when this has happened, nope I wouldn’t put up with it for a second! And for him to say they like it at yours, that’s a get out clause,

BendyWendy18 · 12/10/2020 22:20

YABU, his poor kids.

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 12/10/2020 22:41

Strange the ex moving so close, did they decide together?

It's not the ex. It's the mother of the ex, grandmother to the OP's boyfriend's children.

funinthesun19 · 12/10/2020 22:51

Why are people saying “poor kids”? It’s not their home!

If their dad is there then I can see why they’d knock, so that they can see him. But then HE needs to get his coat and take them out so that them being there doesn’t impact on the op’s kids. It’s their home and they have to wait to have their tea ffs.

If their dad isn’t there, and they will know because his car won’t be there, then they shouldn’t even be knocking at all. There really does need to be some boundaries here.

funinthesun19 · 12/10/2020 22:54

The op and her dp haven’t moved in together. And the op has probably kept it like that because she has her teens in mind and what the impact would be on them if they did move in together. But yet they might as well just move in together because this is happening! It’s the op’s kids I feel sorry for.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/10/2020 22:54

Bf needs to go and see kids when he’s at yours

Tho

The nights he isn’t at yours , does he see his kids lots ?

If he wants then to dinner. Fine. Pick a night and he can pay for food and cook

PotLot · 12/10/2020 23:01

God no I could not cope with that.

I can see why they would knock as they can see that he is there only 2 doors away but he needs to be going over to grans or taking them out.

I would hate to have 3 kids turning up randomly all the time.

JosiePyeTheOriginalMeanGirl · 12/10/2020 23:17

I'd expect him to contribute to pay for food-- but since the real issue is that you don't want them there, period, I'd tell him that it's nice that they like it there, but you and your teenagers don't like it, so it can't continue.

If they're in the area to visit their grandmother, that's where they should be. I'd tell your bf that his kids need to call/text him if they want to see him when they're visiting their grandmother. If he's available, he can either go see them at her place (if she doesn't mind!) or take them out somewhere nearby-- a walk, the park, a restaurant, whatever.

hereyehearye · 12/10/2020 23:35

Imagine actually having sex with a man so pathetic and selfish that he literally drives two doors away from his own children to play house with another woman.

What a prince.

JennyWoodentop · 13/10/2020 00:12

The issue is your partner not seeing this is a problem for you and not advocating for you. You are not married, you do not live together. It's great that his kids like you but your house is not their house and they don't get to come and go as they please.

I wouldn't let them in if he's not there and if he is there he can take them out, take them to his place, go to granny's with them or say he's busy & send them back to Granny - none of these involve them coming into your house, eating your food or disrupting you & your kids.

Since your partner, his ex & granny all seem to enable the kids coming round, then unfortunately it is going to be played out as AibuTellMe said no. So you will end up putting up with a situation you don't want or you will be cast as wicked stepmother.

If you discuss it with your partner and he can't see your side and support you then you have a taste of what life as a blended family with this guy is going to be like with everyone else's wants and needs being prioritised over yours.

If you like the kids and want to have them for lunch or supper every few weeks then you can do that of course, by agreement ahead of time, not this dropping in.

huuskymam · 13/10/2020 00:29

Could he not stop into the mil to see them before he goes to yours or take them out for a bit. His response would annoy me, hes having his cake and eating it, no cooking or cleaning up after them and saving a fortune on snacks and dinners. Not surprised he likes it as it is.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/10/2020 00:52

@Christmasfairy2020

You are been unreasonable. Them poor kids least the mum trusts u
What? Why are they "poor kids".
PurpleTrilby · 13/10/2020 01:08

Cheeky cunt. They like it att your house? How very convenient and hands off for him. What about what YOU like at your house? Stick to your guns.

PurpleTrilby · 13/10/2020 01:18

Them poor kids. No. Fuck right off. That's sentimental bullshit whether you mean it or not. Why should the op take on 3 kids regularly because her ex is a twat? Them poor kids need proper guidance from actual adults. Then they would not be getting palmed off on to op.

SeaToSki · 13/10/2020 02:08

Doesnt the 11 year old have a phone? Why cant the kids text their Dad and say Are you at OPs house, can I come over? No need for them to be knocking on the door on the off chance. DP needs to get more reliable at telling them when he will be over and they can nip round

StoppinBy · 13/10/2020 02:11

First off in my opinion he should be providing the food or extra money for food that you buy when he and his kids are there.

Second of all I understand how this must feel for you but this is making me so sad. You took on a relationship that is now a reasonable long term one, he has children, his children will be two doors down from you and you begrudge them visiting him when he is there? How sad and hurtful for those children.

I think that them visiting without him being there actually shows how well they have accepted you in to their family (and yes it is their family, the children and father are a family first and you are the 'intruding' party here for want of a better way to describe the way I view it). I do think that telling them you are busy is fine by the way but I don't agree with feeling resentful about them being there or asking to visit.

I know kids are hard work but you also knew that when you started this relationship and you still went ahead with it. I presume you realised that these kids would be an extension of your family unit if the relationship worked out?

Beautiful3 · 13/10/2020 02:16

Think I would tell him to pop in to see them first just for half an hour. That will stop them coming over. I would have them over once a week for pizza with their dad. Thing is they are a part of his life. If you want to be serious with him e.g. move in together, then they will spend more time with you. Could you make jam sandwiches instead of giving snacks, as that would be cheaper for you.