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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want bfs kids at my house?

185 replies

AibuTellMe · 12/10/2020 18:05

Hear me out. Been with my bf for 2 years but we do not live together. He lives around a 40 minute drive away in his own flat. I live with my 2 teenagers. Just before lockdown his ex partners mum moved 2 doors away from me. She seems lovely and my partner helped her to move in as he was here anyway. He has 3 kids with his ex aged 11, 8 and 6 and they seem to visit their nan about 3 or 4 times a week after school. Here's my AIBU. Their mum knows my partner doesn't live here but he does stay over some nights and may pop in more on his way home from work. Their mum has started letting them knock on my door to see if they can come over whenever their dads car is outside (though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here). I work, have a house to clean and 2 teenagers in the house. It's starting to get annoying as they come before dinner and 4 extra people to feed was getting ridiculous so I just tell my kids to wait to eat after they leave. They help themselves to snacks and drinks which is fine but the costs do add up and as their dad doesn't live here he doesnt pay towards my food. I just want to come home from work and relax not have 3 extra kids. I see them most weekend as that's when he has them, though obviously they stay at his house. AIBU to want to get home from work, pour a glass of wine and sit on the sofa without 3 kids knocking. I know they are my partners kids but he doesn't live with me and it's getting annoying as I cannot see it ending. AIBU for being pissed off? I've told my bf its a bit annoying but he just says they obviously like it here.

OP posts:
Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 13/10/2020 07:52

I’d arrange date night for the two of you at his house. Get him all excited about a romantic night in, then unexpectedly turn up with my two teenagers and look expectantly at what he’s going to feed you all.

Then after dinner I’d tell the teenagers to help themselves to any snacks they like in his house.

If that doesn’t get what the problem is into his thick skull, then they’re no hope.

IHateCoronavirus · 13/10/2020 07:54

@Mycatismadeofstringcheese

I’d arrange date night for the two of you at his house. Get him all excited about a romantic night in, then unexpectedly turn up with my two teenagers and look expectantly at what he’s going to feed you all.

Then after dinner I’d tell the teenagers to help themselves to any snacks they like in his house.

If that doesn’t get what the problem is into his thick skull, then they’re no hope.

GrinGrinGrin
LunaLula83 · 13/10/2020 07:57

Bill him for the food they eat.

PersephonePromotesEquanimity · 13/10/2020 08:01

This seems such an unlikely coincidence, OP.

How and why did your BF's ex-in-law come to be living next-door-but-one to you?

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 13/10/2020 08:03

Oh and when he says he thought it was just the two of you, whine “But they really liiike you” at him.

Clymene · 13/10/2020 08:04

@Mycatismadeofstringcheese

I’d arrange date night for the two of you at his house. Get him all excited about a romantic night in, then unexpectedly turn up with my two teenagers and look expectantly at what he’s going to feed you all.

Then after dinner I’d tell the teenagers to help themselves to any snacks they like in his house.

If that doesn’t get what the problem is into his thick skull, then they’re no hope.

Yes! Do this GrinGrin
RationalOne · 13/10/2020 08:06

YANBU

The mother of the children is being unreasonable and so is your partner - he doesn't even live with you!

Get him to sort it out.

Mix56 · 13/10/2020 08:07

No, stop this fast.
Tell the grandparent, they cannot keep rocking up, they are not YOUR responsibility, you cannot feed 3 extra mouths, you are busy, have a job & own family.
Tell bf, to park elsewhere, & he needs to PAY for their food if he has invited them over.

BackLashStarts · 13/10/2020 08:07

Either he needs to start dropping in on them when he’s at yours or he needs to stop coming to yours when they are at ex-MILs. I can’t see another option as otherwise the message is that he doesn’t want to see them.

Therealjudgejudy · 13/10/2020 08:09

YANBU

Also, what about the op's teens? Why should they have to share their house, food and parents time with 3 young kids because her dp and the grandmother are being freeloaders...

Fishfingersandwichplease · 13/10/2020 08:13

Oh gosh this is an horrible situation for you OP. Of course yanbu for not wanting 3 extra kids there!! Boundaries need to be put in place - maybe let them stay an hour but go back to their nan's for dinner. Ridiculous to expect you to feed them regularly.

Eddielzzard · 13/10/2020 09:27

Mycatismadeofstringcheese perfect Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2020 09:37

Would you be happy if your children knocked on your BF house to see you and he sent them away?

That’s not going to happen because I wouldn’t let it. I agree it would be the death knell to a relationship. OTOH what is happening right now is equally testing. Lots of posters have said to dump him for this. You included.

He needs to put boundaries in and actually manage the situation. What is stop him from having his kids midweek when he’s free? He seems very happy to freeload.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 13/10/2020 10:02

@Harrysblondie I think the issue is the OP is WFH... and the kids are sometimes coming after school, which for some people is still in the middle of their working day? And their father isn't there.
Although we all seem to be doing a lot of assuming as we're 7 pages in and unless I've missed a post the OP has not been back to this thread.

Calabasa · 13/10/2020 10:02

"playing happy families" is such a loaded sentence.

He isn't 'playing happy families' he is visiting his LTGF, at her house, where her kids also happen to live.

Is she 'playing happy families' when she goes to visit him on a weekend when his children are with him?

And no, her BF shouldn't be answering the door, if you're a guest in someones house, its NOT ok for your friends/relatives to come knocking to see if you can come out to play ffs.,, it's SO bloody rude, on every level.

just because his kids happen to be visiting grandma 2 doors down, does not give them cart blanche to knock on his gf's door and invite themselves in ffs.

MashedSweetSpud · 13/10/2020 13:38

I’d dump him.

You’ve brought up your dc, who are now teens and it’s your time to breathe a bit.....not playing unpaid Mary Poppins to three kids your bf cba looking after.
The gran is being a cf letting them go to yours and eat and drink your food. She could easily say “No, your dad’s car isn’t there.” In truth she’s probably overwhelmed having them four times a week.

It’s been two years and he hasn’t made any commitments to you so why should you play step mum? Get rid before he wants to move in with you.

MsEllany · 13/10/2020 13:46

Loads of people seemingly missing or not caring the the boyfriend doesn’t live with OP.

YANBU. You’ll need to take a hard stance on this I’m afraid. Sorry kids we’re busy, sorry kids you have to go it’s dinner time. It doesn’t matter what mum said or what granny said - you don’t have to let them in or feed them!

MintyMabel · 13/10/2020 13:59

I couldn’t leave kids who want to see their dad, standing on the doorstep because I wanted some alone time. If they knock, I’d let them in.

If it was becoming a problem to me, I’d be asking the grown ups in their lives to make arrangements. The kids have been through enough without them having another door shut in their face.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2020 14:12

@MintyMabel

I couldn’t leave kids who want to see their dad, standing on the doorstep because I wanted some alone time. If they knock, I’d let them in.

If it was becoming a problem to me, I’d be asking the grown ups in their lives to make arrangements. The kids have been through enough without them having another door shut in their face.

Is that what’s happening? If you read what the OP bothered to explain, she’s annoyed when they come around expecting to be hosted and fed when their dad is not there.

And if you’re worried about what they’ve been through that’s on their parents, not the OP. Who under normal circumstances the masses on here would be keen to point out the OP is nothing to them but their father’s girlfriend. Not his partner. Not a step mum. Just some woman they happen to know through their dad.

funinthesun19 · 13/10/2020 14:25

I think it's a bit sad that they're at their grandparents instead of with their dad in the first place, who is clearly available. If he can be at your house then he can be looking after his own kids.

I totally agree, BUT...

Gosh! Can you imagine if someone said that about the mum if the dad arranged childcare for his children on his days?! There would be absolute uproar!

People on here would be like:
“But it’s dad’s day to have them so he sorts out childcare - why should the mum have them blah blah blah blah blah!”

So yeah, I agree, but if you put that with the roles reversed you would have had your head bitten off.

funinthesun19 · 13/10/2020 14:46

Also, what about the op's teens? Why should they have to share their house, food and parents time with 3 young kids because her dp and the grandmother are being freeloaders...

Exactly! They actually matter more in this situation. It’s their home and they should be able to relax in their home without 3 young kids randomly turning up and making them feel uncomfortable.
They’re not even a blended family because they don’t live together, so the op’s teens shouldn’t have to accept these children being around them so much like they would if they all lived together.

funinthesun19 · 13/10/2020 15:08

The kids have been through enough without them having another door shut in their face.

I understand it can be hard for children when their parents split up, but the op is their dad’s girlfriend who he doesn’t live with. It’s not her responsibility to hold doors open for them.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 13/10/2020 15:25

What is up with all these OPs not coming back to their threads? Total waste of time. 😤

Harrysblondie · 13/10/2020 18:44

Because they generally just want to off load but then the thread takes a life of its own and scares the OP off Grin

Howlooseisyourgoose · 13/10/2020 18:54

Harrysblondie I guess that’s true, I just know that whenever I start threads, I try to respond to as many people as possible (excluding the twats of course).