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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want bfs kids at my house?

185 replies

AibuTellMe · 12/10/2020 18:05

Hear me out. Been with my bf for 2 years but we do not live together. He lives around a 40 minute drive away in his own flat. I live with my 2 teenagers. Just before lockdown his ex partners mum moved 2 doors away from me. She seems lovely and my partner helped her to move in as he was here anyway. He has 3 kids with his ex aged 11, 8 and 6 and they seem to visit their nan about 3 or 4 times a week after school. Here's my AIBU. Their mum knows my partner doesn't live here but he does stay over some nights and may pop in more on his way home from work. Their mum has started letting them knock on my door to see if they can come over whenever their dads car is outside (though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here). I work, have a house to clean and 2 teenagers in the house. It's starting to get annoying as they come before dinner and 4 extra people to feed was getting ridiculous so I just tell my kids to wait to eat after they leave. They help themselves to snacks and drinks which is fine but the costs do add up and as their dad doesn't live here he doesnt pay towards my food. I just want to come home from work and relax not have 3 extra kids. I see them most weekend as that's when he has them, though obviously they stay at his house. AIBU to want to get home from work, pour a glass of wine and sit on the sofa without 3 kids knocking. I know they are my partners kids but he doesn't live with me and it's getting annoying as I cannot see it ending. AIBU for being pissed off? I've told my bf its a bit annoying but he just says they obviously like it here.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/10/2020 02:29

"He has 3 kids with his ex aged 11, 8 and 6 and they seem to visit their nan about 3 or 4 times a week after school. ... Their mum has started letting them knock on my door to see if they can come over whenever their dads car is outside (though they have knocked when his car hasn't been there in the past and I've just said he is not here)."
So I take it his ex does the schoolrun, doglegging to her mother's house on the way home? His ex is actually there in her mother's house when their kids come knocking? I'd be raising the matter with her too. They come knocking when neither he nor his car is there - I'd be all, 'No love he's not here, see, his car's not here? Lets just go back to your Gran's and I'll have a word with your Mum ...' and explain to her that you are not her feckin' childcare while she gabs with her mum whilst you understand they may want to see their dad, when he's clearly not there you expect to have your home to yourself and you'd appreciate it if she wouldn't raise their hopes.

"It's starting to get annoying as they come before dinner and 4 extra people to feed was getting ridiculous so I just tell my kids to wait to eat after they leave. They help themselves to snacks and drinks which is fine but the costs do add up and as their dad doesn't live here he doesnt pay towards my food."
Fuck that shit. I do not run a free canteen for children whose parents can't be arsed to parent. Next time, send the kids AND THEIR FATHER to his ex-MIL to be fed. And not just next time - every time.

"I've told my bf its a bit annoying but he just says they obviously like it here."
Not. The. Point. Tell him he needs to deal with it, and that you will not be letting his children in again, you will not be supplying snacks, and you will not be feeding them. If he wants to eat with his children, the canteen is two doors down.

I'd probably be telling him not to call in Mon-Fri any more, and to inform his ex and his children of his change of routine. since he can't be arsed to stop you being treated as canteen/childcare by his Ex.

Catsup · 13/10/2020 02:37

To be fair I ended up the house that the kids in the street tended to head towards when Dd was young. And obviously I didn't even have the tie of being in a relationship with their parent 😒. One even said 'Mummy says I need to play out between 4 and 6?!'... So I'd be providing the free childcare, biscuits, lollies, the playing in the house/garden. One even had the fucking cheek to make a barbed comment about my 'big dog!'. The dog was a right dopey fucker that the kids all tried to ride/dress up/be an integral part of tea parties (never left unattended) 🤨. So frankly fuck them and their non stepping up parental ways! I was not a childminder, and neither are you OP! Yes, very sad if their dad isn't getting his shit together to facilitate him, his ex, and his ex MIL actually looking after the kids. But no, you are not their secondary childcare provider, and its a massive pisstake to assume you'll pick up the slack just because you're seeing their dad. I'd see it as a red light for times to come, and if you don't sort this now it'll only get worse.

Shxx · 13/10/2020 02:49

Not your kid not your problem

Catsup · 13/10/2020 03:01

And let's be honest here... How many people raising 2 teenagers, presumably working part/full time, then want the additional fuck on of looking after 3 additional kids based on the fact they're dating their parent? And it is dating! Not living together, not being giving the option to think is this what they want to take on? Why does it fall to a woman to pick up the slack? If it was reversed and OP's parent was sending her 2 kids along to her DPs house to feed/amuse them 3/4 nights a week after 2yrs of dating. My suspicion is he'd be very upfront in saying no this isn't acceptable. And it would be less 'Oh, but they must like me?!'... Vs no, I do not want to be your unpaid babysitter, and my downtime is my own.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2020 03:27

Another cheeky fucker father, who wants a new partner to take up the slack. He needs to visit his dcs at his ex MIL’s. And if you’re ok, have them over one evening and get takeaway together. He pays for everyone.

NeonGenesis · 13/10/2020 03:41

YANBU. Your boyfriend needs to speak to his ex about this.

I would feel really claustrophobic knowing my partner's ex and kids lived 2 doors down. I would probably end up dumping the partner or moving house...

PerveenMistry · 13/10/2020 03:45

@lunar1

From your perspective I completely get it, it would drive me nuts.

But from the perspective of the children it's a bit rotten. They can't come over because their dad is busy playing happy families with you and your children and they aren't welcome.

I honestly don't know what the answer is, the situation isn't fair on you or his children.

This.

Think of it from their point of view. This whole screwed up scenario is hardly their fault.

What does their father propose as a solution?

imgoingtoeatthatmuffin · 13/10/2020 04:32

I think it's a bit sad that they're at their grandparents instead of with their dad in the first place, who is clearly available. If he can be at your house then he can be looking after his own kids.

He should be contacting his ex and working out picking them up and looking after them on those days, at his own house.

Sounds like a shit bloke who wants to outsource childcare and cooking to women.

WFHWFH2020 · 13/10/2020 04:45

Why does he live so far away from his kids? I am assuming you/GM s house is close to their school and that their mother’s house is a similar distance otherwise their GM would be looking after them at their house and he works in the area.

RaisinGhost · 13/10/2020 05:11

If you imagine the scenario with the sexes reversed you can see the problem. A women posting that she shares custody with her ex, but the children always turn up back at hers or at her new partners house for dinner on the ex's contact nights. The contact nights are what they are and should be mostly stuck to, if it's not working maybe they can look in to changing things up in a formal way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2020 05:16

@imgoingtoeatthatmuffin

I think it's a bit sad that they're at their grandparents instead of with their dad in the first place, who is clearly available. If he can be at your house then he can be looking after his own kids.

He should be contacting his ex and working out picking them up and looking after them on those days, at his own house.

Sounds like a shit bloke who wants to outsource childcare and cooking to women.

Very good point to question why he is not stepping up.

Cantbreathe2020 · 13/10/2020 05:21

@Mintjulia

Just tell them you are all still working and you'll send their dad over when he gets home. Then close the door.

Seriously???

Op, please don't do this

frazzledasarock · 13/10/2020 05:28

It’s always the new female partner who ends up having to look after and cook and clean for the P’s kids isn’t it.

I have never ever come across a scenario where the new boyfriend is stuck looking after and paying for his new girlfriends dc.

Your new P is clearly an utterly shit dad and his ex is relishing being able to allow their dc to force him to spend time with them. And yet you’re paying for it.

I’d start splitting food and electricity bills down the middle and expect him to cook for his own kids.

Of course his dc are excited to come see their dad. Why is he sitting a couple of doors down from them and not wanting to see them himself, why isn’t he organising meals with them and spending time with them.

It’s not the DC, you’ve got a really shit boyfriend.

Harrysblondie · 13/10/2020 05:58

The OP turned the kids away when he wasn’t there - so she is not an unpaid baby sitter.

They come to see their father.

He wants to see them as they are obviously at the door.

OP has no business telling anyone’s children to go away.

The only way this is going to work is if the BF comes after the kids leave their grandmothers.

But honestly how much longer would your relationship last of your BF told you not come come round when your children were near by or they were not allowed in whilst you were there. Resentment would absolutely set in.

Bad situation for every.

Harrysblondie · 13/10/2020 05:59

Every one**

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2020 06:13

OP has no business sending anyone’s kids away

Ummm she does if they’re on her property, not her kids and being expected to feed and entertain them. Of course that wouldn’t be a pleasant thing to do systematically, which is why their father needs to step up.

Harrysblondie · 13/10/2020 06:21

@Mummyoflittledragon

OP has no business sending anyone’s kids away

Right ok legally she can

But it will be the death knell the relationship. Would you be happy if your children knocked on your BF house to see you and he sent them away?

Can you imagine a reverse thread? If this was a man sending the kids away from seeing their mother?

KatherineJaneway · 13/10/2020 06:21

OP has no business telling anyone’s children to go away.

It her bloody house! Of course she decides who comes through the door.

Harrysblondie · 13/10/2020 06:38

@KatherineJaneway

OP has no business telling anyone’s children to go away.

It her bloody house! Of course she decides who comes through the door.

Who she lets in her house is her business but she absolutely has no right telling them kids to go away and she will send their dad round to see them like other posters have suggested.

If the kids knock on the door he answers it and deals with it.

I’ve said before in this thread that this situation is actually untenable for OP and she would probably be best ending it. No one is at fault

MessAllOver · 13/10/2020 06:42

Stop feeding everyone. Give your own DC snacks for their bedrooms. If you need an excuse, tell them you're on a diet/cutting back to save for Christmas. No juice only a glass of water. They'll soon go because they'll get hungry.

MessAllOver · 13/10/2020 06:47

Alternative is to meet bf at his flat rather than have him come to you. Sounds like your kids are old enough to be left alone for the evening.

Jeremyironseverything · 13/10/2020 06:51

Compromise. Because of course they want to see him if they are so close.

He pops in there before he comes to you, stays for a while and is in control for how long. Once a week they come for a pre arranged dinner at yours.

emilybrontescorsett · 13/10/2020 06:54

Can you not answer the door op, would that work?
Otherwise I would go with the suggestion up thread and tell them your dp will go round to them.
Stop feeding them. I know it's incredibly hard but you need to speak to your dp and tell him look, I want to relax in my own home, if the blues come round you will have to go out with them.

emilybrontescorsett · 13/10/2020 06:59

I agree this would never happen to a man. How many men do you know in this situation?

ZebraSpotts · 13/10/2020 07:27

When they knock, DP can go with them back to exMIL's house and spend time with them there?

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