To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

*how much money

It always amazes me the number of men who take up hobbies when their first child comes along. I've seen it so many times over the years and it's killed two marriages just among my close friends.

Yes sacrosanct is the exact word. For reasons I won't go into as it is outing, I stumbled on a group of men (including) dp languidly preparing for their hobby as if it was some kind of religious experience. They went on to spend all weekend doing that hobby. Meanwhile I haven't got to a zumba class in months and I'm getting fat. It's not fair.

I never, ever understand why women let these sorts of situations develop, you take the temperature of things at the beginning of a relationship and then you negotiate the rules.
Its your own fault if things get so far along that you can't ask him to watch the kids while you go to Zumba, or cancel his golf so you can have a family day out.

I wonder how many people who complain about this actually cultivate interests of their own? It reminds me a bit of the old joke:

Q: How many mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "Oh, don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark"

Because women don't take time for themselves to do their hair, nails and other beauty treatment. They don't get together for coffee or spa days. They don't ever go on shopping trips or spend hours on forums.

The fact it's called 'hobby' doesn't mean they forcibly spend more time for themselves.

Women don't let it happen. That's rediculous. We are not their mothers. The beginning of a relationship doesn't involve kids therefore you can both do all the hobbies you like. But by the time kids come along you are invested and the balance shifts very subtly over time.

@BillywilliamV

I never, ever understand why women let these sorts of situations develop, you take the temperature of things at the beginning of a relationship and then you negotiate the rules. Its your own fault if things get so far along that you can't ask him to watch the kids while you go to Zumba, or cancel his golf so you can have a family day out.

It’s hard to say why we do. In my case being essentially (but not completely) a SAHM, made me feel like I had no argument to the “yes I’m going to pursue a 5-6hr hobby every saturday even though we have 3 kids under 5” and then when a second 2hr hobby was added on a Sunday when they were a bit older ... Huge resentment about it. But in my case my DH has a big streak of selfishness that I rarely see in mothers.

@BillywilliamV nice to know it's still always the woman's fault. Thank fuck things haven't moved on.

That's completely unfair OP - have you pointed this out to your dp? How does he justify it? My dh has a few hobbies. They have never encroached on family time. He would never go and spend hours on them if it were inconvenient. I'm not very good at sticking with hobbies that involve going anywhere tbh. My main hobby is knitting. Dh would be absolutely supportive of me going out to do hobbies though - if anything he thinks it's a bit odd that I don't!

Because women don't take time for themselves to do their hair, nails and other beauty treatment. They don't get together for coffee or spa days.

Eww. Could think of anything worse than getting my nails done and going for a spa weekend!

The balance does shift subtly overtime, it becomes the new norm.

But to be fair, I wish my DH would have one of these hobbies - he does fuck all and I wish he'd just leave the house to go cycling or whatever, even if it was actually shagging another woman!

Because women don't take time for themselves to do their hair, nails and other beauty treatment. They don't get together for coffee or spa days. They don't ever go on shopping trips or spend hours on forums.

Nope. I don't. Because I'm not a cliche stereotype.

DH goes to the gym. He does it around work and home stuff and it doesn't affect the time we spend together or our relationship. He encourages and supports my hobbies, though most of them are home based. I might just be lucky but if it was getting out of hand I'd speak to him about it and see if we could compromise.

YABU
DH and I both have hobbies that we pursued before and after children came along. It’s not a zero sum game where only one partner can have a hobby at the expense of the other partner.
It’s wrong also to generalise by sex. Yes some couples one partner is obsessed and the other partner is left with nothing, but it’s not always the man with the hobby and the woman being a martyr.
It’s actually healthy to both keep doing hobbies after children come along. You need something that you enjoy as part of your identity. Too often on MN I read this idea that parents should have no life other than their children. Then they’re at a complete loss and grieving when the children are grown and have left the home.

Totally agree

Do your own? Dh got into his hobby so I got into it too with my friends lost 2 stone. For every weekend with his friends doing the sport I have a weekend away with my friends. It’s got to be equivalent.

That sounds like just copying your husband though @MsTSwift.

Because women don't take time for themselves to do their hair, nails and other beauty treatment. They don't get together for coffee or spa days.

How many hours per week does this take?
My haircuts are once every 8 weeks and coffee is an hour or two tops
Don't men go to the barbers? My teen sons need a trim once a month

I've read of stories of men on here who play say footie mid week evening, play or watch a football match all day Saturday and are hung over on Sunday.

Yanbu. I work with a handful of this type of man (it’s always cycling). They all have young kids. I would absolutely love to know what their wives think of it all.

Its just you.

I've always had hobbies, so do most women (and men) I know. Some of my hobbies have cost a lot of money, some don't, and some of them have even made money. Sometimes I'm away from home for a day, overnight, a week, pursuing a hobby or interest; and my husband does the same (different hobbies). Even when we had small children we both had hobbies in and out of the home (essential sanity saver).

I was wondering how long it would take before cycling came up #dogwhistle

In our house I'm the one with the hobby that gives me the excuse to get away from the family. I even engineer days out so dh can watch the kids and I do my hobby. I'm at the club from 6.30 p.m. every Monday evening (albeit on Zoom at the moment) and if I can't or don't want to go out on other days then I take over the dining room table with it.

What is my hobby? Photography!

When I hear the word hobby I think of model railways or furniture restoration. Why can't people just call it cycling/football/rugby?

You can do both if you want to, you’re just slightly more knackered.

Before I was a parent I was a part time rugby player, piano player and gym goer. I still am, my son comes to rugby training, he also comes to games. Piano is usually when hes in bed. Gym is during his swimming lesson or fridays when he is at school. I now also have a rugby tots franchise, again he joins me.

Hobbies work fine if you want them to, just some people choose to be lazy with them.