To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

I never, ever understand why women let these sorts of situations develop, you take the temperature of things at the beginning of a relationship and then you negotiate the rules

Women lose any and all power in regards to negotiation as soon as the kids come along. He can then do as he pleases and you’re stuck with the drudgery and sleepless nights. Skip having kids altogether, it’s not worth the risk!!

It’s not something I’ve noticed in real life, but I do see it on here a lot.

Most my female friends have hobbies. No idea if their male partners have them too.

One thing I will say is that all the women I know plan carefully to make sure their hobbies don’t negatively impact their children. Rather cynically, I wonder whether men do this degree of planning, or just expect women to pick up the slack.

Mumsnet has taught me to be firmer in trying to make free time more fair, for example, this weekend just gone my husband decided on the friday he wanted to go away all day saturday (8-6) I said yes no problem but, I wanted a run before he left on the Saturday, a trip to the garden centre on my own on the sunday and an hour or so to myself for a walk the sunday afternoon. It obviously wasnt fair in the amount of hours of free time we had but we both got some time to ourselves and felt recharged. Mumsnet taught me to bargain and I'm glad it did.

My hobbies can generally fit around the children (run early before they wake and crafty things after they go to bed) but these days I make sure I bargain some alone time in

Being a great deal older than everyone else on this thread, can I suggest that age has a lot to do with it? I do Pilates, twice weekly, and have done since DS was small. Fifteen years on, DH is still working full time, and I am not so it has become easy and fluid. When he retires, I will find him a mostly male Pilates class so he doesn't think it's girly stuff. But in the interim, his hobby has been restoring cars, and no, he doesn't do it himself but it keeps his employees busy and happy when there's nothing else to do. I just buy specialist parts, all over the world. I have become quite good at finding what's needed.

His thing is keeping everyone busy and productive

But having been the main breadwinner early on in our marriage, now I am happy to be the oil that keeps the machine we've built running clean and sweet.

I must have missed the part of female socialisation that makes you feel compelled to pander to everyone else because I live my life putting myself first and frankly it’s one of the reasons I don’t want to have kids. I’ve no desire to stop prioritising myself. Stop being a doormat and tell your husband when he needs to be home so you can go to Zumba.

I'm usually more surprised that the women don't seem to have hobbies.

I compete in one sport/activity and indulge in two more semi-seriously, plus gym, writing, photography and reselling vintage items from an online shop. Oh, also love video games. I work full-time and have two kids, so I do this stuff in the evenings, just after work or at weekends. Usually split half-and-half, time with the kids, time off up a mountain or whatever. Or they join me. That's cool too.

And he has interests/hobbies he also does in the evenings, but at different times to me. Obviously.

Isn't the issue more that the men don't allow their partners the same time to do their own hobbies? That's a communication thing.

I dunno. Solution seems to me to not get so upset over golf and just find a sport/active activity of your own.

she writes about how women are conditioned to feel that leisure is something you try to fit in after you've done everything else that needs doing

Fascinating and very true for me. I currently want to lose weight and I wanted to go on a long walk today whilst kids were at school but there was housework to do. I always want to do things but don't because I only want to do them once all the housework and chores get done. However, they are never ending so I never do what i want to do. Today, dh went for a run...he was also planning to clear up his desk...now if that was me I couldn't have gone on the run knowing I had a chore to do. He prioritized the run. Desk still not tidied. However, I recognize the restriction on me is not from him..I put it on myself.

This literally drives me crazy. Because I know so many women who've allowed this situation to develop, martyred themselves then endlessly complain. I have three children. I work four days a week. I go to the gym/pool twice a week. I go out for lunch with a friend on a Saturday. My husband also works four days. He cycles twice a week. We juggle the school and nursery runs between us, we share the football and cricket duties, we both cook, we both wash ad clean. We went out for Sunday lunch together as a family and then for a walk at a nature reserve. There's time to fit it all in and we work hard at doing that! We're equals and never ever have I wavered on that. I didn't lose my personality when I became a mom and I never agreed to give up my freedom when I took my marriage vows. Start as you mean to go on and never ever give an inch when it comes to childcare. Men are just as capable of looking after children as women but so many women disempower them by pretending it's a skull unique to us. Set your boundaries and never waver!

I’m like this and I have kids! My hobbies are just as important as his. Dh agrees without question because he is a reasonable adult and not a sexist prick.

Sill not skull!

@MsTSwift

I don’t think it’s a great role model for older kids - mum subsumes herself in family life and drudge work dad goes out and does fun active things. Not what I want to role model my two girls anyway. When kids tiny it’s different and all hands on deck but as they get older no reason both parents can’t have a life. Everyone I know does anyway.

Absolutely. My kids see their mum in sports, or getting muddy on a mountain bike, or computer programming.

Household chores are reality - and they help - but that's not the role model I want to be.

@formerbabe

she writes about how women are conditioned to feel that leisure is something you try to fit in after you've done everything else that needs doing

Fascinating and very true for me. I currently want to lose weight and I wanted to go on a long walk today whilst kids were at school but there was housework to do. I always want to do things but don't because I only want to do them once all the housework and chores get done. However, they are never ending so I never do what i want to do. Today, dh went for a run...he was also planning to clear up his desk...now if that was me I couldn't have gone on the run knowing I had a chore to do. He prioritized the run. Desk still not tidied. However, I recognize the restriction on me is not from him..I put it on myself.

House work is worse than a paid job, because in a paid job there'll be set tasks and a clear line when you're finished. Even if it's just that you clock off at 5.

Housework simply never ends, and when you look back at your day you can't appreciate how much you've done. It leads to despair.

Consider writing your tasks on post its and moving them from 'to do' to a 'done' column, so after X number of tasks, you can take your walk and do the rest of the housework tomorrow. Divide up your time.

I also run the house, the catering, organise the entertainment, holidays and future plans, do the admin for two pension funds and the admin for DMIL in a care home 300 miles away. I am not complaining, and it's more interesting than customer service in a call centre. I am the administrator of our life. It's not special or demanding but there's a lot of paperwork, and it needs doing properly.

Absolutely mustfly voice of reason!. I work for myself so ensure I have Friday morning free cycling with friends and cafe lunch then take kids to their sports on Saturday morning without resentment so dh can cycle. Can’t abide martyrs.

One thing I will say is that all the women I know plan carefully to make sure their hobbies don’t negatively impact their children

It's the same with nights out. Women will make sure the kids are fed, bathed, kitchen clean, dinner done all whilst trying to get ready. Men will get ready at a leisurely pace and step out the door without a care in the world.

@Mustfly - I agree! Both parents are equally capable of looking after DC’s, cooking, cleaning, doing the school run, buying school shoes etc. I think it’s the fault of many women if they says they can’t fit in a hobby away from home and family.

Yes you are absolutely right @duanphen. I'm waiting for the housework to end but it never will...

@formerbabe - my DC’s are older now but when they were younger and I had a night out, I didn’t sort out dinner and bedtimes- DH did it whilst I was having a bath, doing my hair, getting ready. When he went out in the evening, I did the home and family tasks.

Same. If I’m out dh in charge why would I do the bedtime on my night off when he’s doing it?

i know sooooo many people who are divorced because they are golf widows or lycra twat widows or married to men who spend their entire lives training for iron man contests until their testicles have shrivelled up into tiny peanuts.
My own previous husband just did his hobbies non stop mainly groups and clubs so he didn't last long either.

Because women don't take time for themselves to do their hair, nails and other beauty treatment. They don't get together for coffee or spa days. They don't ever go on shopping trips or spend hours on forums

Codswollop!

I only get a chance to go to the hairdressers once every few years. I’ve had my nails done 3 times in 3 decades. I’ve only had other treatments when away on a spa break with DP and the kids.

I meet a friend for a coffee maybe once or twice a year if I’m lucky.
Only once in my life been to a spa with a friend. Shopping I do with DP/kids. Time on forums is again with DP/kids in house if not room.

And this is trr he e experience of most of the mums I know so has absolutely no comparison to the tales of male hobbies I hear about on here.

I wish it was more acceptable for women to have hobbies, tbh. Whether it's knitting or going to football matches or skydiving.

*Most men ( not all) will tell you in confidence that they didn't really want to have children. They only go along with it to keep the wife happy.

They'd much rather be going cycling or playing sport than looking after kids.*

Couldn't agree more

Speaking as a man, I think a lot of men don’t really want kids, or certainly not early in life (which by today’s life expectancy could be defined as any time before 40). A woman has to commit to having a child - at least making a huge commitment in a physical way if nothing else. A man doesn’t.

Personally I put off having children until I was mid30s and sure I was ready to commit to the decision. I think many men become fathers in their 20s/early 30s as they are nagged into it or see it as “the done thing” after a few years of marriage.

A lot of men are just not parent material, certainly not an “equal” parent which is increasingly the expected way of things. A lot of men just want to be out there meeting other women, taking risks, getting drunk, etc. We have a different biological makeup. It used to be that the “contract” was that the woman would have a child and keep a home and
tha man would stay faithful (to a degree) and tolerate the daily grind to bring home the daily bread. In the modern age the mans daily bread is often insufficient to raise a family himself and now the woman has to do the daily grind too and the man is expected to help keep the house and raise the child. Equality, sure. But “manchild” is exactly what you sometimes end up with, as men the last 40 years are no longer men in the sense they were for the prior one million years and a significant proportion have not adapted well to the change.

I wonder this too. It’s been a bit of a point of contention recently that my DP always prioritises his hobbies/socialising over the couple of chores that are designated his (I do most things around the house) so ends up not doing the chores because he’s run out of time. Then when I challenge him on it he’s like ‘oh aren’t I allowed to have my one hour/evening/day of fun’... yes you are, but it doesn’t mean you get to get out of doing anything to bloody help!
And he keeps telling me I need to exercise which is true, except I don’t have time to because I’m too busy doing all of the cooking, cleaning, admin, shopping and general housekeeping on top of working full time and going to night university