To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

All those saying the woman should not let the man get away with it. What are you going to do? Smack their bum and send them to bed without dinner? Lock them in a cupboard.

It shouldn't have ever got to the stage of getting away with it. You need to sit down with him and sort out how you can both get equal leisure time. Tell him when the Zumba classes you want to go to are and work out between yourselves who does what and when. There is no point in being a martyr and not bringing it up with him.

If he actively refuses to compromise to allow you leisure time you'll have to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who clearly thinks so little of you.

@SimonJT

You can do both if you want to, you’re just slightly more knackered.

Before I was a parent I was a part time rugby player, piano player and gym goer. I still am, my son comes to rugby training, he also comes to games. Piano is usually when hes in bed. Gym is during his swimming lesson or fridays when he is at school. I now also have a rugby tots franchise, again he joins me.

Hobbies work fine if you want them to, just some people choose to be lazy with them.

So when men fuck off on a 6hr bike ride with the peleton on a weekend How's that gonna work out with the kids?

You may have found a way to involve your children and that's great. But that absolutely doesn't change the fact many many men prioritise lengthy hobby time over family time.

Were you implying the women are being lazy in this situation? Why should they be the ones to manage merging children and their hobby while men get to have many hours uninterrupted ? It is also women who still pick up the majority of childcare and housework too. Remember that when you think they're just being lazy.

It’s not a zero sum game where only one partner can have a hobby at the expense of the other partner.

I think the point is that it actually is a zero-sum game. There are only so many hours each week when both parents are available for childcare/hobby. The more time one partner is out of the house, the less the other can be. Add in ideally some time where the whole family is together, it is easy for one parent to take more than their fair share of leisure time.

Easy, make them take the DC with them to the hobby.

I suspect that on some level some of these men (not all) believe that when a baby is born their wife has just taken up an expensive (boring) and time consuming hobby requiring lots of new equipment, so why shouldn’t they get one too?

From a mans point of view I agree with you.
I don't have hobbies that mean I have to leave my wife and DD for hours on end every week. My spare time is spent with my family. I go for a hike Around once a month. I actively encourage my wife to pursue her interests and side business.

If people need to escape family life for a bit it should be balanced. Personally though I love it and they grow so fast why would you want to miss it ?

@Glitterbubbles

I don't get this, people are allowed hobbies! Granted, my DP and I don't have kids yet but we both have hobbies and friends of our own and I wouldn't want that to change post-kids. Sure maybe we will have to spend less time on hobbies but I'm sure it's possible to balance? It's important to retain your own identity and keep doing your own things too.

Have you read the op? People are allowed hobbies. But what's happening in this situation is the man is getting dibs on time and lots of it for hobbies and op isn't getting any time for hers. It's not about him not being allowed any hobby time. It's bout him being selfish. Where's the balance there?

Ime, generally speaking men put themselves first, while women put their children first.

It's like when a man takes the kids out to the park for a few hours to give the mum a break...translation, now mum can clean the house in peace.

It's definitely a thing. My brother plays tennis three nights a week and goes on week long surfing trips 3 or 4 times a year. His wife is grateful that she's 'able' to go for a run every morning... AT FIVE THIRTY. He 'sometimes has to deal with all 3 children at once'. Poor baby, how does he manage?!

Hobbies are no different for men and women. Choose something you enjoy, join a class or organisation and go. Both parents get equal opportunities and time to enjoy their hobbies.

I don’t understand women saying they can’t have a hobby (appreciate can be very difficult for single parents to do a hobby outside the home).

We both have multiple hobbies and take it in turns. That's normal, surely?

Ime, generally speaking men put themselves first, while women put their children first.

I think this is true

Ime, generally speaking men put themselves first, while women put their children first.

Agreed. This is also my experience and observation. Honestly, I think that in general men love their children less than women do. Yes I’m sure there are lots of exceptions. But more often than not I think that’s the case.

@formerbabe

I've found since I've had children, I feel tremendous guilt at doing anything for myself. Spending money on myself, going out, socialising...even going to the doctors makes me feel so guilty for being so self indulgent. I don't know if other mums feel like that? I don't think men do.

That’s really not healthy. You should seriously address those feelings and model some self-love to your children. It’s invaluable to them to see you valuing yourself. Feeling guilty because you go to the doctor?!

@FunDragon

Ime, generally speaking men put themselves first, while women put their children first.

Agreed. This is also my experience and observation. Honestly, I think that in general men love their children less than women do. Yes I’m sure there are lots of exceptions. But more often than not I think that’s the case.

All true. Even men who would be described as 'good' dads are invariably more selfish than women. It's not even blatant selfishness...more an underlying, sub conscious feeling that they're most important person.

I was told by my ex that it was not ok for me to pursue my hobby anymore as soon as first DC was born. My hobby involved him looking after his child for 2-3 hours/week on his own. I soon corrected him on that one, but he remained a twat.

I read a book called Overwhelmed by Bridget Schulte in which she writes about how women are conditioned to feel that leisure is something you try to fit in after you've done everything else that needs doing. Men are more likely to ringfence and protect their leisure time and make sure it happens, no matter what. I think this is very true.

When I was pregnant with twins, my FIL made a snippy comment about how this would mean my DP could no longer do his hobby (8 hrs a day, 2 days a week, plus social nights out which always occurred after). I am still livid by the insinuation that my DP should get to swan off and play sport all weekend after being at work all week while I would have been at home all week with zero time to myself to ever do anything. My DP realised it was totally unreasonable thankfully, but the mere suggestion of just shows how ingrained it is to think that men need time to let off steam and women should just pick up the pieces.

In my offline circle of friends both parents manage to have downtime and hobbies away from each other and away from the children. Men and women have hobbies and run a household in an equitable fashion. Nobody thinks this is exceptional.

On Mumsnet this is apparently a wildly unusual situation because the vast majority of men couldn't possibly manage to be responsible adults in the house alone and couldn't possibly manage to parent their own children a few times a week. These are feckless man children and I can't think of anything less attractive in a man.

Then there's women who don't seem to have any interests but then get annoyed their partner does. Their outlook seems to be 'i don't have any hobbies so you shouldn't either...' or 'i couldn't possibly have a hobby because I'm so devoted to family life and #makingmemories'. The former are negative Nancie's who want to limit everyone else due to their own lack of get up and go. The second fall into martyr territory where they simultaneously resent not having hobbies but also love being able to play the martyr card about how selfless they are.

@FatCatThinCat

My DH has a hobby, radio amateur. He even has a club with it's own club house and group of other cardiganed operatives. I see his days there as a relief as otherwise he'd be talking to me about them. To be fair though, radio club never comes before family

Aww, my dear Dad was a radio ham, who also wore cardigans sometimes! In the early years of my childhood I can remember going to sleep hearing him on his morse key, then he got a ‘radio shack’! Mum also had numerous hobbies and they both respected each other’s need to spend time on said hobbies, which probably explains their happy marriage of over 65 years.

“Copying my husband” 🙄 the sport is hardly an original one!

The other sport I do and go on weekends away with friends to do dh has never done himself. Friends and I do other mad sports that dh has never done (and is too scared to do tbh 😁)

@BestZebbie

I suspect that on some level some of these men (not all) believe that when a baby is born their wife has just taken up an expensive (boring) and time consuming hobby requiring lots of new equipment, so why shouldn’t they get one too?

I think you've nailed it!

@BillywilliamV

I never, ever understand why women let these sorts of situations develop, you take the temperature of things at the beginning of a relationship and then you negotiate the rules.

I agree with this to an extent. You really need to assert yourself and push to do your own thing and have an identity, which is not just wife or mum.

I think it's good to have interests outside of the home and family. Being married doesn't mean you lose who you are as an individual.

I think the point is that it actually is a zero-sum game. There are only so many hours each week when both parents are available for childcare/hobby. The more time one partner is out of the house, the less the other can be.

These things need to be discussed and you need to express how it's making you feel.

In an equal relationship, where you have mutual respect for each other, you wouldn’t have one partner spending endless hours on a hobby, while the other was left doing so much of the parenting.

It just leads to resentment and your feelings towards a selfish partner fade over time.

If you express how you feel in a calm and reasonable manner and your partner ignores you ...then it's clear that something is missing...because who would want to see the person they love and care about feeling left with the kids for hours on end at the weekend with no downtime?

What I see in threads where women complain about men spending hours away on hobbies, is that they often go on to have more and more children...knowing they have a partner who is absent on his hobbies a lot.

If something bothers you that much, you really have to speak up.

I don’t think it’s a great role model for older kids - mum subsumes herself in family life and drudge work dad goes out and does fun active things. Not what I want to role model my two girls anyway. When kids tiny it’s different and all hands on deck but as they get older no reason both parents can’t have a life. Everyone I know does anyway.