To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

On my first night out after dd2 born I got home looked in on them both baby and toddler In different night clothes and bedding. Just after I left both vomited everywhere. Love that it didn’t even occur to dh to contact me and ruin my night.

I’m so pissed off with women (and men if they were here too I expect) blaming other women for this shit.

These men are being selfish arseholes when they’re avoiding their responsibilities for their hobbies.

The saddest thing is it shows a lack of love and respect for their dc’s mother.

Interesting how quickly this has turned into a woman blaming thread (martyrs).... Rather than man should do more around the house to free up time for the woman's hobby.

One thing I will say is that all the women I know plan carefully to make sure their hobbies don’t negatively impact their children. Rather cynically, I wonder whether men do this degree of planning, or just expect women to pick up the slack

Because some women are martyrs.

If men don’t want to be fathers then it’s the most despicable thing to go along with it, letting the woman believe they’ll shoulder half the burden

Unless one has the shittiest dp imaginable its actually pretty easy to carve out equal hobby time.
Any dp that doesn't respect this would rapidly be an ex-dp.

@Mustfly

This literally drives me crazy. Because I know so many women who've allowed this situation to develop, martyred themselves then endlessly complain. I have three children. I work four days a week. I go to the gym/pool twice a week. I go out for lunch with a friend on a Saturday. My husband also works four days. He cycles twice a week. We juggle the school and nursery runs between us, we share the football and cricket duties, we both cook, we both wash ad clean. We went out for Sunday lunch together as a family and then for a walk at a nature reserve. There's time to fit it all in and we work hard at doing that! We're equals and never ever have I wavered on that. I didn't lose my personality when I became a mom and I never agreed to give up my freedom when I took my marriage vows. Start as you mean to go on and never ever give an inch when it comes to childcare. Men are just as capable of looking after children as women but so many women disempower them by pretending it's a skull unique to us. Set your boundaries and never waver!

Thank god, someone finally talking a bit of sense.

@ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes
Women have a far stronger biological urge. Many men are more of a “well, I don’t NOT want to be a father”. It’s been that way since forever.

Yep. My DH used to obsessively exercise. People say "Don't be a martyr" but it took me a while to realise he was being totally unreasonable and just opting out of family life. He'd just slowly add more and more in until I was on my knees and then I'd break down and he'd quit to appease me.

Sorry to be the hobby person but he's currently eyeing up another time consuming hobby and we've very small children. Think nights away and weeks away. Yes I exercise and take time for myself but I don't want to be like him. I'm still breastfeeding. If he ends up doing the hobby it will probably be the end of the line for us. When a man takes a lot of time for himself, if the woman were to match it, there would no family time to have!

In my view, women aren't bitterly resentful because their husbands take time for themselves, the hurt comes from the underlying chauvinism,treating the woman like the default parent and only taking care of his own emotional needs.

Socialogically, it's interesting that men have felt comfortable admitting they weren't enthusiastic about children, but women were.

I don't understand being in a relationship with either:

• Someone who refused to reduce their leisure time in order to fit with family life

OR

• Someone who would not proactively express when there was a problem of how much time was being spent on leisure, and silently seethed about it instead.

Set clear expectations for family life when it becomes a reality, meet that and/or communicate when that isn't being met, and if it persists to the point of resentment and massive unfairness or imbalance, communicate it once more and then leave the relationship.

If you don't change when your life does to accommodate it to the detriment of the other person, you're a shit partner. If you don't communicate and instead pass agg complain about it on the internet, you're also being a shit partner. If you set expectations, then they're repeatedly broken and you don't do anything about it, you're being shit to yourself and your own sense of self worth.

You can only control your own actions - if your partner has shown they're unwilling to change and you're not happy, that absolutely makes them the knob, but you can't change them being a knob. You can stop accepted being treated badly.

Well Cam77 if they have a decent bone in their body they’d be honest about it with the woman they’re supposed to love

@dontdisturbmenow - hear that? That’s the 1950s calling you back you misogynistic idiot. Take your shitty stereotypes elsewhere

I cannot stand the woman hating on this thread! Where’s your compassion and basic thinking skills? Just read women’s experiences fgs

What always amazes me is how many times women on Mumsnet will defend it. “Well you knew he liked doing before kids, why are you surprised?” The surprise is that mother’s have just as many interests and activities as father’s, but only mother’s are expected to give them up.

I was gonna come on and mention breastfeeding- I’ve known two dads take up triathlon/cycling while mum is breastfeeding on demand.

It's all very well to say that women shouldn't put up with it, but the truth is, women often feel like they have no choice.

I have a theory that women are far more invested in keeping their man happy than men are about keeping their woman happy. Why? Because women know that if men are really unhappy in a relationship/family set up, they will walk away from it. Men don't generally live with that fear.

Yes another hobby OH here, but he does get up very early in the morning to do it. He does suggest I go off and do something too, but between working full time and young kids, I can't even begin to consider what I might be interested in!

Can’t relate to that at all. If a man leaves you for going on a few bike rides not a relationship worth saving is it?. Really don’t get that mindset. Dh lucky to have me and vice versa. Don’t need to creep around appeasing him!

I have a theory that women are far more invested in keeping their man happy than men are about keeping their woman happy. Why? Because women know that if men are really unhappy in a relationship/family set up, they will walk away from it. Men don't generally live with that fear.

Given that women initiate most divorces I'd suggest that confidence is misplaced.

I personally think that there are selfish people and unselfish people.

We hear a lot about selfish men here because of the make-up of this forum. We hear more bad than good because posting about good male behaviour is strongly discouraged by many posters on here. The error is in assuming that this bad behaviour is exclusively male and that it is typical of men.

@mstswift

You might not be able to relate to it but surely you can acknowledge many women live like that.

Like a pp said, lots of men don't especially want to have children, they just go along with it. They don't enjoy parenting. The women know this and know the man could quite easily walk away from them and the kids, so facilitate his life remaining the same.

Sad but true.

Gym
Martial arts
Pub
Walking with friends...

DH more than happy to parent his own children and look after his own home while I do the above.

I really do think it's both halves of a couple who let certain dynamics happen.

Well Cam77 if they have a decent bone in their body they’d be honest about it with the woman they’re supposed to love

I think they're not honest about not really wanting kids because they do love their partner - they know it's what she wants and don't want to refuse her. But they're never fully bought into it

The hobby my daughters husband wanted after their child was born was to go to the pub each evening for a few hours. DD pointed out to him that he could either be a husband and father or he could be single and leave the home permanently. They are still married 15 years later

I don’t think it’s a great role model for older kids - mum subsumes herself in family life and drudge work dad goes out and does fun active things. Not what I want to role model my two girls anyway. When kids tiny it’s different and all hands on deck but as they get older no reason both parents can’t have a life. Everyone I know does anyway
Same here and this is also my experience with friends.

What I find frustrating is that any suggestion that women (as a class) don't have to accept shitty behaviour from feckless man-children is somehow blaming them for the men being feckless. It's not.

If a friend of mine behaves like an arsehole, is flakey, unreliable and is an emotional vampire, I have a choice whether I accept that from a friend or whether I decide I don't need that sort of attitude in a friend. Acknowledging I'm worth more than that isn't me being responsible for the friend's behaviour; it's knowing my worth and not making the same mistake for years as if I'm passive in my own social life.

I've seen threads on here where people have (rightly) pointed out that not all men show their true colours until after a baby, but then also people saying stupid shit.
For example, someone suggests if a man is a waste of space before a child he's going to continue being one after. Response? 'the human race would die out if we waited for perfect fathers... Look at all the people with perfect husbands...'

Nobody says wait for a perfect man to have a family, but a guy who prioritises his X box, endless time with the lads and needs you to pick up his pants isn't exactly a prime pick.

It's not that high a bar to want a man who does his fair share in a relationship, just like he'd have to if living independently. 🤷‍♀️