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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

374 replies

Boredbumhead · 12/10/2020 17:23

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

OP posts:
HesterShaw1 · 12/10/2020 18:08

Everyone deserves a hobby if they want one. There's nothing contemptible about having a hobby Hmm

They shouldn't be divided according to sex though.

Newnamenewopenme · 12/10/2020 18:11

I have more hobbies than my partner - he doesn’t really have any! I keep inviting him along to mine but he’s happy to stay home and play computer games whilst I’m out (does that count as a hobby?)
We don’t have kids together (he has two here on a weekend) but have discussed when we have kids if I could keep up mine - I go 3/4 nights a week and 2 hours Saturday morning. He said why would I give up what I enjoy when he’s home anyway, although I would probably drop a week night once back at work so I have more time at home with my baby before they are asleep.

MeltingIceCaps · 12/10/2020 18:13

There's nothing wrong with having a hobby if you have the time and money for it. It's a good thing, actually! I have hobbies and I've always made time for them somehow. So has my husband.

The more amazing thing, I guess, is the amount of women who put up with men who put their hobby (or hobbies) above their relationship or childcare responsibilities. I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't expect my husband to either.

notacooldad · 12/10/2020 18:14

Eww. Could think of anything worse than getting my nails done and going for a spa weekend!
So you don't like it. Plenty of other people do though!

I'm not recognising much in your OP, op.I follow a local sport with the rest of my family and know the teams and players well. Most of the blokes give the sport up the minute the first baby comes along.
I can't think of one single married female friend in decades of being married that has led to her curtailing her interests. If anything women have a lot of hobbies , even with young kids. C25k being the most popular taking u 3 sessions a week and then getting addicted to do 5k races. Indoor climbing is popular with women where I live no. I martia rats such as kick boxing
Not just you. I am sick of not being able to participate in the things I enjoy whilst being expected to pander to males for whom leisure activities are seen as sacrosanct I don't get this, how many males are you expected to pander to and why?

user68901 · 12/10/2020 18:14

Been playing golf every week since my 2nd child was 6 months !!

RunningFromInsanity · 12/10/2020 18:15

I have a hobby that takes up multiple evenings a week and one weekend morning.
It’s allegedly a ‘cheap’ hobby but believe me after buying all the gear, insurance and race entries it all adds up!

DP joins in on some evenings and does he own hobby on others.
We both had our hobby before we met and we both understood it was important for us to be able to continue.

If you want a hobby, get a hobby and get DH to do childcare that day/evening.

NerrSnerr · 12/10/2020 18:15

Isn't it about communicating with each other? I spend more time doing hobbies than my husband, he would rather stay at home but we make sure each of us have leisure time/ time to ourselves as it's important.

I wouldn't have married or had children with someone so selfish that they fuck off for long hours/ days without any consideration for the other person or ensuring they get some downtime as well. I have friends whose husbands are away for hours on both weekend days doing hobbies leaving them to do everything and it's utterly selfish.

jdoejnr1 · 12/10/2020 18:24

I wonder why men go out of their way to not spend time with many of these posters. Hmm

Leaannb · 12/10/2020 18:32

@DillonPanthersTexas

When I hear the word hobby I think of model railways or furniture restoration. Why can't people just call it cycling/football/rugby?
Because they are all hobbies
SuzieQQQ · 12/10/2020 18:36

Yanbu a few of my friends husbands are like this. Karting (all day), flying (all day), golf (all day), is this a coincidence? I think not. It gets them out of parenting.

Leylafrenchie · 12/10/2020 18:38

@Boredbumhead

Women don't let it happen. That's rediculous. We are not their mothers. The beginning of a relationship doesn't involve kids therefore you can both do all the hobbies you like. But by the time kids come along you are invested and the balance shifts very subtly over time.
Of course women let it happen... just because a women is invested and had kids doesn’t mean you have to become a door mat over time. You can tell him to watch the kids while you go to Zumba.
Kaiserin · 12/10/2020 18:40

DH took to jogging and bought himself a drumkit when our first was born...

We had words.
I explained to him in no uncertain terms that our time (and home space...) was now a shared resource, just as our finances were shared, that's the kids would naturally consume most of it, and that I would NOT settle for anything less than full equality.
Nowadays things are shared pretty evenly, but it was hard work to get there!
Had I said nothing, I would easily have been burdened with 100% of the chores, while he'd enjoy his free time, seemingly blissfully unaware of the unfairness of the situation.

Quite frankly, it's weird. I really didn't expect this from him, and he couldn't explain it himself (given that he's actually a loving and respectful partner)

Scweltish · 12/10/2020 18:43

@BillywilliamV

I never, ever understand why women let these sorts of situations develop, you take the temperature of things at the beginning of a relationship and then you negotiate the rules. Its your own fault if things get so far along that you can't ask him to watch the kids while you go to Zumba, or cancel his golf so you can have a family day out.
I agree. Of course it should be on the man to not be such a dickhead to let his hobby badly affect his family/home life. But I can’t believe the women who passively let them get away with it when they’re blatantly ripping the piss. They don’t seem to want to leave them, but they make little or no attempt to put their foot down and stand up for themselves or their children. I’ve been following a thread all week by a mum obsessing over her piece of shit husband potentially going to play a friendly match and missing his sons birthday. Well it turned out he did decided to go to the match. The op’s decided not to bring it up as she doesn’t like confrontation. Now of course it’s not her fault her husbands a cunt, but it it were me I’d have done whatever I could to make sure he didn’t let that little boy down
Blondiney · 12/10/2020 18:45

It's the groups of middle aged cyclists that get me. I often see huge troupes of them in their co coordinating lycra outfits, peddling furiously through the village.

Think I'd rather be married to a golfer.

HaggieMaggie · 12/10/2020 18:46

@DillonPanthersTexas

When I hear the word hobby I think of model railways or furniture restoration. Why can't people just call it cycling/football/rugby?
Yes! Cycling or rugby is a sport not a flipping hobby. A hobby is stamp collecting.

IRL “My DH does sport every weekend”
On MN “hubby does his hobby on a weekend” 🤮

Original poster
Boredbumhead · 12/10/2020 18:48

All those saying the woman should not let the man get away with it. What are you going to do? Smack their bum and send them to bed without dinner? Lock them in a cupboard.

OP posts:
araiwa · 12/10/2020 18:48

I think women who choose not to have a hobby are doing it wrong

Leylafrenchie · 12/10/2020 18:49

@Scweltish - I read the same thread and I fully agree, women moan on here about shit partners leaving all weekend and doing jack shit but they don’t speak up.
Sometimes you need to have it out with them to get the balance right. Take steps. You can’t always avoid having a row.
My partner doesn’t disappear all weekend or full days to do a hobby and if he did and I wanted to do something another day then he would watch the kids.

HamishDent · 12/10/2020 18:50

It’s because women take their family into account when they plan time to themselves. For an example, I run at 6am. I do that because it doesn’t encroach on my family as they are still asleep. It return as they take getting up and then do the school run. DH goes to the gym twice a day, lunchtime and in the evenings 5 out of 7 days. If it were me, I would go once at lunchtime, leaving evenings free for family. No, not him. He goes twice as he doesn’t have time to swim as well at lunchtime.

Men just take time for themselves regardless of other people’s needs.

MeltingIceCaps · 12/10/2020 18:50

All those saying the woman should not let the man get away with it. What are you going to do? Smack their bum and send them to bed without dinner? Lock them in a cupboard

I just wouldn't be in a relationship with such a selfish man. It's not difficult.

Leylafrenchie · 12/10/2020 18:50

@Boredbumhead

All those saying the woman should not let the man get away with it. What are you going to do? Smack their bum and send them to bed without dinner? Lock them in a cupboard.
Have a back bone ? Actually leave the kids with him and go to Zumba....

What’s he going to do.. smack your bum? Bed and no dinner ?

Casschops · 12/10/2020 18:51

So lucky to be married to an actual grown up who puts house and home first. Although my husband is working full time and is at uni, come May be will be home more often. I'm happy to support him, I'm off to study next.

starfro · 12/10/2020 18:52

Most men ( not all) will tell you in confidence that they didn't really want to have children. They only go along with it to keep the wife happy.

They'd much rather be going cycling or playing sport than looking after kids.

Original poster
Boredbumhead · 12/10/2020 18:53

I just wouldn't be in a relationship with such a selfish man. It's not difficult
Er yes it is. You leave your partner. Then you are a single mum. Then you never get to go out for hobbies unless you have another support network of babysitter waiting to jump in and help. You have to work full time probably. The situation gets even worse.

OP posts:
Twigletfairy · 12/10/2020 18:53

In our house my husband does his hobby once every other week, whereas I'm out the house for mine a couple of times a week, and also do my hobby at home a couple of evenings a week. Although he is out the house a whole day, I'm out a couple of hours at a time so it balances out.

We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I stopped my hobby when pregnant with my first and got back into it 6 weeks after my youngest was born.

If my husband wouldn't look after his own children so I could do my hobby, he would be out on his arse for being a lazy prick. (I can take my children with me, or they can be around at home while doing it, it's just not the same when they're there). I see on here women tolerating all kinds of crap and I just genuinely don't understand it

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