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Original poster

To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

374 replies

Boredbumhead · 12/10/2020 17:23

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Boredbumhead · 12/10/2020 18:54

Have a back bone ? Actually leave the kids with him and go to Zumba..

Too late he already has a very important hobby event lined up just at that time coincidentally!

OP posts:
MeltingIceCaps · 12/10/2020 18:55

Er yes it is. You leave your partner

Yep. But actually I don't think it's difficult to prevent the whole situation in the first place so you don't ever have to make that choice. People rarely just turn selfish overnight. Just because you don't have kids at first, doesn't mean you can't tell if a man is a selfish and self-centred idiot or not. Was it just blind luck that my husband didn't suddenly become a dick who spends entire weekends cycling or playing golf and leaving me to take care of the kids? No. He would never do that because he was always considerate and kind even before we had children.

Leylafrenchie · 12/10/2020 18:56

@Boredbumhead

Have a back bone ? Actually leave the kids with him and go to Zumba..

Too late he already has a very important hobby event lined up just at that time coincidentally!

Find a different Zumba class or tell him in advance that you have booked Zumba and when he says anything tell him no?

Stick to your guns and actually go.

Glitterbubbles · 12/10/2020 18:56

I don't get this, people are allowed hobbies! Granted, my DP and I don't have kids yet but we both have hobbies and friends of our own and I wouldn't want that to change post-kids. Sure maybe we will have to spend less time on hobbies but I'm sure it's possible to balance? It's important to retain your own identity and keep doing your own things too.

lljkk · 12/10/2020 18:57

I don't know that much about other people's live, tbh.
Always amazed at how much MNers know about the lives of others.

Thebookswereherfriends · 12/10/2020 18:58

I think if you have a caring and considerate partner then when that first child comes along, they would bring up their hobby and ask what is now reasonable. My partner does the hated cycling, but once we had a baby he changed his Sunday morning ride to an earlier start and an hour less and made sure he had the baby and gave her breakfast so I could stay in bed until he left. He stopped going out for 2 or 3 evenings a week and just did one and maybe cycled home from work. Not w our child is a bit older he still goes early on a Sunday, but does a little longer, still home before lunch. If he wants to do a full day ride he asks me if it interferes with anything and do I mind?
If he had not brought it up at the beginning I would certainly have laid out my expectations, not just sat there stewing about it.

Runningjump · 12/10/2020 19:00

Problem is, literally anything a person does can be referred to as "taking away from family time". You can't win.

If you want to do something on an evening, then do it, don't be a martyr. But don't be jealous if there's nothing you particularly want to do.

A lot of people who post on these threads often seem to have a problem with their husbands having any time to themselves.

BewilderedDoughnut · 12/10/2020 19:04

It’s often because they despise family life and it’s their excuse to get away. Women are often left picking the slack which is one of the main reasons I will never have children.

Too much of a risk if you’re a woman.

Leaannb · 12/10/2020 19:04

@HaggieMaggie...unless you are getting paid playing sports is a hobby...I paddle board almost every day. Its a sport and my hobby.

Cocomarine · 12/10/2020 19:06

I tend to think instead, “why don’t women have hobbies too?”

When I see threads on here about selfish men (and the cycling or golfing that is kept a secret for fear of outing Confused) I’ve never seen the female poster say they don’t get time for their hobby, with a specific hobby that they’re prevented from doing.

I’m not saying that doesn’t happen, but I don’t see it on those threads.

I think that’s why in the early days mother gets stuck at home with baby whilst father goes out - because he has a hobby he wants to do, and she doesn’t.

I know plenty of women who don’t mind their husband being out for extensive hobby time. Every single one that doesn’t mind, doesn’t mind because their husband pulls his weight when he is home, and would cancel his hobby in a heartbeat is needed - for example if she’s unwell.

ivykaty44 · 12/10/2020 19:09

Im amazed at the woman who facilitate this without taking up their own hobbies and then complain about the husbands hobby. Shared time taking part I hobbies is important within a partnership. Many woman seems to purposely deny themselves of their own time

wizzywig · 12/10/2020 19:10

Its probably why they then complain that their wives are so dull and boring. Its because you are dumping everything on them

DynamoKev · 12/10/2020 19:11

The only thing I am constantly amazed by is the fact that men's hobbies can never be named on here.

But sure, of course men are selfish bastards with some kind of unreasonable unspecified hobbies.

GeorginaTheGiant · 12/10/2020 19:12

@Boredbumhead

All those saying the woman should not let the man get away with it. What are you going to do? Smack their bum and send them to bed without dinner? Lock them in a cupboard.
No, leave them.
FatCatThinCat · 12/10/2020 19:13

My DH has a hobby, radio amateur. He even has a club with it's own club house and group of other cardiganed operatives. I see his days there as a relief as otherwise he'd be talking to me about them. To be fair though, radio club never comes before family

SeasonFinale · 12/10/2020 19:14

The issue isn't the men but the women who don't sort out expectations of their partners with them.

bethany39 · 12/10/2020 19:17

@Boredbumhead

All those saying the woman should not let the man get away with it. What are you going to do? Smack their bum and send them to bed without dinner? Lock them in a cupboard.
I would have a conversation with him about how it was making me feel like two adults in an adult relationship?
Cocomarine · 12/10/2020 19:18

@FatCatThinCat

My DH has a hobby, radio amateur. He even has a club with it's own club house and group of other cardiganed operatives. I see his days there as a relief as otherwise he'd be talking to me about them. To be fair though, radio club never comes before family
Careful, @FatCatThinCat that’s pretty outing. Amateur radio AND a cardigan? That’s got to be rare, no? 😉
NerrSnerr · 12/10/2020 19:19

I don't get this, people are allowed hobbies!

Of course they are but it's unacceptable for one partner to be out for hours every single week leaving the other one to do all the childcare with no time to do a hobby themselves.

FippertyGibbett · 12/10/2020 19:19

How much of your total monthly income do you think is reasonable to spend on a hobby ?
I’m asking because I can see us falling out about this.

bethany39 · 12/10/2020 19:21

@Glitterbubbles

I don't get this, people are allowed hobbies! Granted, my DP and I don't have kids yet but we both have hobbies and friends of our own and I wouldn't want that to change post-kids. Sure maybe we will have to spend less time on hobbies but I'm sure it's possible to balance? It's important to retain your own identity and keep doing your own things too.
But the issue is when there are say 10 hours in a week that either parent can realistically be out the house doing their hobby and the bloke spends 9.5 hours a week cycling one of the parents is taking up more than their fair share
batteriesgoing · 12/10/2020 19:21

I think it's a case that men are generally more comfortable leaving their kids at home with their wives than most women are leaving kids with their husbands. Women tend to be the main care givers in most situations. I know for me I don't like to ever miss bedtime so that has a big impact on when I can do things. I don't really blame dh for that. It's just how I feel.

TheNavigator · 12/10/2020 19:23

In our marriage, I am the one with the wildly expensive time consuming hobby (horses - a cocaine addiction would be cheaper). I am very fortunate my DH is so easy going and accommodating. I think people who whinge about their partners hobby need to get one of their own - bleating in the background of life is very unattractive. Just go to Zumba and stop being a whiny martyr.

formerbabe · 12/10/2020 19:23

I've found since I've had children, I feel tremendous guilt at doing anything for myself. Spending money on myself, going out, socialising...even going to the doctors makes me feel so guilty for being so self indulgent. I don't know if other mums feel like that? I don't think men do.

batteriesgoing · 12/10/2020 19:24

@formerbabe

I've found since I've had children, I feel tremendous guilt at doing anything for myself. Spending money on myself, going out, socialising...even going to the doctors makes me feel so guilty for being so self indulgent. I don't know if other mums feel like that? I don't think men do.
No it's not just you