To be constantly amazed by men's 'hobbies'

[Boredbumhead]

I have read lots of threads on here plus witnessed things in real life which leave me constantly amazed at home much money, time and resources family men put into cultivating and carrying out their hobbies. These are married men or men with partners and often young kids. The women are expected to be a natural backstop for the men to facilitate these hobbies through which they display their 'superior' or well honed skills. In the meantime the women often loses the chance to cultivate her whims and interests and is expected to be the adult, sensible (boring) one looking after all the family practical interests. Is it just me?

How many SAHP (still predominantly female) go (or at least went, pre Covid) straight to the gym after drop off for an hour or two?

And amateur bands (a massively time consuming hobby) are more than 50% female.

Hobbies should be balanced with childcare and family time, for both cases.

Both sexes

formerbabe you seem to have a real chip on your shoulder regarding anyone who seems to do anything vaguely active, especially men who dare to exercise outside the house.

Hobbies should be balanced with childcare and family time, for both cases
I totally agree with this. I find it bizarre that there are still people on here who will scramble for any possible reason they can find as to why two parents being entitled to equal down time isn't reasonable. I feel my eyes rolling into the back of my head each time I see 'yeah but I don't want to do anything outside the family so why should he get to... people seem to forget that time is a finite resource... but I couldn't possibly expect DH to actually parent his children... no DH couldn't possibly make tea... the whole house would burn to the ground if I wasn't being a domestic goddess picking up everyone's shit...'

Love that the accusation of “middle class” is whisked out as literally the worst thing anyone can possibly be and the poster clearly thinks that’s a “ta da” argument winner 😁

I don't think I've ever come across anyone with quite such a hatred of outdoor exercise as fornerbabe previously, nor anyone quite so unhappy or angry sounding. All this making up of supposed insults and putting words in peiokes' mouths to try and make them look bad. This thread has obviously hut a nerve.

But why not just live and let live? If you don't like sport, don't do it, but why then start criticising people?

Where are all these middle class defined sportspeople anyway? I find quite the opposite. Are people who have jobs to feel guilty about it now?

If you don't like sport, don't do it, but why then start criticising people?

If you want to start this up again, I think you'll find the problem started with your patronising, unwarranted and privileged advice to me about cycling...I can't be bothered to find the direct quote but something like, go on, give it a try! Well I have ridden a bike in my 39 years so already achieved and also, I cant afford one as I spend my money on silly things like feeding and clothing my kids.

Not read the whole thread but I’m with you OP. And yes it’s 90% cyclists!

I’ve no objection to parents having hobbies but first they need to fit in a) work b) their 50% share of looking after the DC, housework and life admin and c) enough time as a couple. Hobby fits in at d).

If a parent genuinely has time left over for hobby after a) b) and c) then hats off to them. In reality I suspect d) is usually placed ahead of b) and c).

If a parent genuinely has time left over for hobby after a) b) and c) then hats off to them. In reality I suspect d) is usually placed ahead of b) and c).
Or the parents find a rhythm they're happy with and prioritise having hobby time because they value having a life outside of being a parent and a partner.

There's some seriously sanctimonious people out there, usually mums, who seem to want a badge for always focusing on everyone else. They can't possibly do a yoga class or go to a book club or go for a walk or take up choir because they're simply mum of the century and life would fall apart without their oh so selfless sacrifices (that everyone has to hear about so they can rack up martyr points). Most could find an hour or so in a week, but don't and won't own the fact that having a small bit of their life outside the family home isn't their priority.
There's nothing wrong with parents deciding that looking after themselves is important and that a happy, healthy parent is better for the family. If I have a choice between:
A) an hour doing cleaning to ensure we are always 'guest ready'
Or
B) having a clean house that requires a quick tidy for guests coming and getting some downtime for me and DH, going for a run comes first. Unlike some mumsnetters I don't have sneery friends who'll judge a laundry basket and question the absence of zoflora, and I'm more than happy for DC to learn the importance of interests, and that mums and dads get hobby time.

DH and I have always had hobbies outside the home, pre and post DC’s. It’s only on Mn I’ve come across couples who don’t work together to accommodate each other’s interests. We’re both always worked full time, regularly long hours (and overseas travel for me in the pre Covid days). It doesn’t take much time or organisation to do a couple of gym classes a week, weekend park run or swimming a mile of lengths at the local pool.

But this thread isn’t about a swim once or twice a week. It’s about the DHs who disappear for half the weekend plus a couple of evenings a week.

@LolaSmiles

I would go further and say I would rather spend time on an engaging healthy hobby and have a house that requires an apology if you get unexpected guests.

A well dusted house is the sign of a wasted life - as my favourite mug says.

Honestly nobody ever lay on their deathbed wishing they had spent more time cleaning. They absolutely do wish they had climbed more mountains!

@FatCatThinCat

My DH has recently taken up amateur radio. Mostly it seems to be him studying for exams all the time. We live in London and he can’t really get a signal to connect to people because the buildings stop the waves or something 🤷‍♀️ I will never understand this sudden interest in something so bizarre which has has no connection to!

[quote Rhayader]@FatCatThinCat

My DH has recently taken up amateur radio. Mostly it seems to be him studying for exams all the time. We live in London and he can’t really get a signal to connect to people because the buildings stop the waves or something 🤷‍♀️ I will never understand this sudden interest in something so bizarre which has has no connection to![/quote]
What is your hobby?

@minipie - I would be questioning why would a DH disappear on his hobby half the weekend and a couple of evenings during the week? Why hasn’t this been discussed as it’s not compatible with having a family. When does his wife enjoy her hobby and allow time for family activities? Sounds like the marriage is over as he has other priorities and there’s no equality.

Precisely the OP’s point Parker231. It isn’t compatible with family life, nor is it fair (as realistically the mum cannot do the same without destroying all family time) and yet there do seem to be a large number of fathers who do it.

Not my DH - always been clear that kind of thing isn’t compatible with a family, thankfully. But I know several.

@Boredbumhead

Have a back bone ? Actually leave the kids with him and go to Zumba..

Too late he already has a very important hobby event lined up just at that time coincidentally!

Then this isn't a marriage you've allowed yourself to become a mummy martyr hand him the children and go out offload the mental load and household project management ffs if you want head space give back what's not yours

Men can only abdicate responsibility if you're prepared to take it

If you want an adult start treating him like one I'm pretty sure there's no one at work facilitating his being just because he has a penis

minipie
Some posters really do seem to have an issue with husband having a hobby beyond the house.

We've had suggestions that if you see a guy on a bike then his wife must hate him, that he is selfish, that he's obviously trying to avoid seeing his children, he's full of male entitlement etc.

When people have said there isn't anything wrong with hobbies but both parents should have downtime, there's countless excuses about how equitable leisure time isn't possible.

That's what some of us are acknowledging. For every woman who has a selfish man child who wants to get out of family life, there's another who just wants to have a good old moan that their partner has an interest outside the family bubble (essentially, if mum doesn't have an interest and isn't interested in getting any then dad should abandon his interests).

@LolaSmiles
Yes, hobbies are compatible with family life. I do dance several times a week in the evenings and often performed on the weekends. (I now teach because I’ve danced for over thirty years at this point). My DH does wargaming and similarly he does that twice a week and at least every other weekend. We still had lots of free weekends with the children. All we needed was a babysitter one night a week when we both had our hobby. And that was only until the eldest was old enough to babysit (yes we paid him).

Agreed there’s a huge range of “hobby” LolaSmiles.

I think a lot depends on the stage the family is at and the wider circumstances too. When our DC were in the baby and toddler years life was very stretched, we were both working long hours in stressful jobs, the DC didn’t sleep so we were woken a lot, one has SN and behavioural issues. There was no time or spare energy for a hobby, not without leaving the other one of us picking up more than their share and even more exhausted. In those years I would have said no to any hobby beyond a couple of hours of exercise a week. Indeed if DH had had the energy for more than that it would have demonstrated that he wasn’t carrying his share of the night wakings etc.

So I have some sympathy for the posters who say no to anything - depending on their circumstances.

This snoberry has extended into a adulthood hobbies and sport
What a derogatory generalisation!

I actually wasn't into sport as a school kid. Unless it was gymnastics which I was quite good at, I tended to be the kid always last to be chosen in a team! I wasn't not popular though, somewhere in the middle.

I picked up sport in my 20s as I became aware of the benefits and wanted to lose some weight. Yet it's really in my 40s that I really got into it. I needed a challenge and sport was a good one. Did my first half marathon, then learned to swim to do triathlons (was one of those who gated having my head under water before!) and picked up cycling.

I'm so much more fitter in my early 50s than I was in my 20s!

Is it a class thing? I really don't know, but it does demand a level of motivation and mental strength as most sports involve pushing your limits and some people can't think of anything worse.

@jdoejnr1

Baking, reading, board games & video games (the latter 3 shared with DH although we read different kinds of books)

This is the most aweful inverted snobbery I’ve read on mumsnet, it’s Hideous.
Not being attracted to men in lycra and penis helmets isn't snobbery, it's just a preference!
I am not sure anyone is saying nobody with a family should do sports are they? It's not an " either/or" - cycle 14 hours a week OR sit in your lazy boy scratching your knackers?
I have a friend who had a baby quite late in life with her long term boyfriend. One of the main problems was that he didn't think anything in HIS life needed to change. So he still spent thousands on his fetish for bycycles, still assumed he could just go off all weekend to France or somewhere with his bike as she was the default parent. They no longer had the money or time to allow him to do his cycling in the way he used to and I think she had assumed he would realise that when the baby came! Sometimes you can't know just how selfish a man is until its too late.
So, when op talks about " men's hobbies" I think they are referring to a particular sort of mania and self centeredness that really only seems to afflict men.

To be fair lexiloo I went up a mountain at the weekend and my arse still feels like ive been bummed by a cow. Regretting that one

@IfNotNow12
Except could have written the same mania thing about my mother and her horse hobby. She actually found out she was pregnant with my brother after falling off her horse while show jumping. Didn’t stop her. She was off at the stables all day every day exercising and jumping her horses, doing competitions, going to auctions and breeders meet ups. But we had a nanny and our father spent the most time with us when he wasn’t at work.