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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

721 replies

Threelittlekittens08 · 12/10/2020 12:12

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 12/10/2020 12:14

Would going for a few months be an option?

doctorhamster · 12/10/2020 12:15

How long are you wanting to go for?

Thatwentbadly · 12/10/2020 12:15

I don’t think you can take his child away from his Dad. Have you tried mush?

Thehop · 12/10/2020 12:16

Could you go until say Christmas, and afford for husband to come for a holiday?

Yqui · 12/10/2020 12:16

How long are you thinking to go there for?

SheilaWilcox · 12/10/2020 12:16

Not selfish at all to be considering it. You might find that just 2-3 weeks os enough to re-set your mental health.

Has to be worth a conversation with your husband at least.

TheTrollFairy · 12/10/2020 12:16

I would be considering if I was in your position.
Definitely speak with your husband about how isolated you are at the moment, especially as you haven’t managed to make any friends so you are spending time with just a baby

Original poster
Threelittlekittens08 · 12/10/2020 12:16

@doctorhamster

How long are you wanting to go for?
@doctorhamster

I haven’t really thought about the time frame but perhaps 4-6 months.

OP posts:
Devlesko · 12/10/2020 12:17

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

I don't think it's selfish, if you can leave your husband and think of home as somewhere you haven't lived since being 9, you should go.
No reason for you to stay, tbh.
I pity him. Sad

I'm sorry you are struggling, but many have the same issues as you have, if you love your dh talk to him about improving your situation, not leaving him, even if you think it will only be temporary.

Ohalrightthen · 12/10/2020 12:18

You absolutely can't take your son away from his father for six months.

Paperplain · 12/10/2020 12:19

You will struggle to get a flight I would have thought - it's nearly impossible to travel to NZ at the moment.

WoolyMammoth55 · 12/10/2020 12:20

What you're suggesting seems very reasonable to me and I'm sure if you had an open and honest chat with your husband he'd feel the same.

Of course he would miss you and the baby but it's not for ever.

He could also consider putting feelers out for work in NZ? Presumably you being married could give him permanent residency options out there? Their economy is relatively unaffected so it's likely they are recruiting as usual (unlike over here).

There's no end in sight over here and to be so isolated with a baby isn't good for you. Having a normal life near your family in NZ would be a million times better and I'm sure he'll be able to understand.

Wish you all the best

Paperplain · 12/10/2020 12:20

@Thehop

Could you go until say Christmas, and afford for husband to come for a holiday?
If he hasn't got citizenship this won't be an option I don't think - boarders in NZ and Australia are very much closed.
Original poster
Threelittlekittens08 · 12/10/2020 12:20

@Devlesko

I don't think it's selfish, if you can leave your husband and think of home as somewhere you haven't lived since being 9, you should go.
No reason for you to stay, tbh.
I pity him.

It’s home because it’s currently where my family are.

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 12/10/2020 12:21

Are you actually able to go over? I thought New Zealand still had their borders closed.

It does sound like a horrible situation though. Can you arrange to catch up with friends over video chat (don't automatically say they've got their own stuff) and possibly arrange a long weekend to go and visit. You and the wee one in a travelodge or something so you can meet up at park/cafe during the day but no house visits if that restriction isn't lifted by that point.

LavaCake · 12/10/2020 12:21

I think 4-6 months is a really, really long time for your husband to miss out on seeing his baby. I can’t see how he would ever be ok with that. It would potentially be more than half your baby’s life so far - he would miss so much and be a stranger to the baby when you were reunited.

I think you could consider going for 3/4 weeks and that might be ok. I think you also need to talk to your husband about long term solutions to combat your loneliness and isolation, because if you want to be a family the solution can’t be you spending half the year abroad.

Original poster
Threelittlekittens08 · 12/10/2020 12:21

@Thehop

Could you go until say Christmas, and afford for husband to come for a holiday?
@Thehop

That may not be possible.😕

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 12/10/2020 12:22

So you want to take your young child away from his/her dad for 6 months. Do you really think that is in the best interests of your child? And what if you get stuck there for longer due to Covid or the situation in the UK doesn't improve so you decide to stay longer?
If you go ahead with this I think you might as well be signing divorce papers. I hope your husband gets good legal advice and stops you taking his baby to the other side of the world.
I think if you were a man posting this no one would be supporting you

user1471457751 · 12/10/2020 12:23

You also seem to be forgetting that your husband is also your family, not just your parents and sibling.

OuiOuiKitty · 12/10/2020 12:24

I think you are being unreasonable and if I were your husband I wouldn't give you my permission to bring my child to the otherwise if the world. Where does that leave him if the grass is greener and you decide to stay 'home'?
6 months is a massive period of time for such a young child. They won't know your dh when and if you go back to the UK and your dh won't have a relationship with him either.

HollowTalk · 12/10/2020 12:24

She'd have to quarantine for two weeks, presumably, so a very short visit wouldn't be worth it.

SideAfries · 12/10/2020 12:24

I think for a month or two, fine. Things might have changed a lot regarding Covid restrictions here so it might be better when you come back. I think 6 months is a bit much, but I suppose you really need to talk about the length of time with your husband.

murmurgam · 12/10/2020 12:25

I think the discussion is all a bit academic as it's unlikely to be possible to get flights. Have you actually researched the costs of flights, cost of quarantine, possibility of having flights cancelled and a delayed return etc.?

zigaziga · 12/10/2020 12:26

A month or two as a break, maybe, that what you are proposing is a looong time and your husband wouldn’t be unreasonable to have a major problem with it. I’m not sure there is necessarily any coming back from that for your marriage is there?
Your home is where you live. You need to try and come up with a plan to make it better before you contemplate something so drastic.

Silentplikebath · 12/10/2020 12:26

Have you had any help for your mental health? I think speaking to a doctor and checking you don’t have PND is important before you make any huge decisions about travelling to NZ.

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