To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

Fantastic update OP, like I said earlier my cousins often spend 3 months a year over here with their children and leave their husbands in NZ so they can see their parents. Wishing you all the best

Having a newborn baby is so hard, OP. You have my utmost sympathy. Especially in lockdown, in a new area.

But going back to NZ would be a huge mistake- you’d never want to return. Please don’t take your baby away for that long.

Could your family in NZ not come to you? Then you’d have company while you settled in.

When baby is old enough I’d get childcare and look for work - that made me feel so much better.

Lastly, keep at it with baby groups - Covid permitting - book in to a different one every day, go rain or shine until you make a few friends.

I promise: it does get easier.

I'm so saddened by these horrid responses when you are already having a horrid time.
I think you should definitely go for a few weeks or months.
I suffered from horrendous post natal mental health problems and as wonderful as my husband was, it was my parents who really helped me heal.
There is something powerfully, innately healing and comfortable and safe about living with your parents. I basically lived at my parents when I was recovering. They didn't need to do anything extraordinary. They made me cups of tea and told me the gossip from their friends. They gave me cuddles when I cried and told me it would be alright like they have all my life.
It was so powerfully healing.
You have a baby, you're far away from family and friends, in the middle of a global pandemic. You are having a really hard time and need to give yourself a break. You ABSOLUTELY need to do this for your own health and well being.
Of course it's not permanent. It's just a convalescence trip.
It is so ingrained into women to always think of everyone else before themselves, that it sadly can make women very judgemental of others if they perceive other women looking after themselves. The truth is by sometimes putting yourself first and sometimes putting your husband first you are creating a more balanced, and therefore more likely to be happy, marriage. Don't make the mistake of being the martyr, always putting him first but slowly growing in a resentment towards he doesn't deserve as you're doing it to yourself!
So ignore the nasty people on here, follow your instincts. And remember that whatever happens, this horrid patch will pass and you will feel happier again.

Sorry hadn't read all your updates before I posted.
I think your and your husband's plan sounds great.
You sound like a brilliant team.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@mbosnz

Depending on the nature of his work, is it possible your DH could have laptop and phone and will travel, but still work? That can make his employer a lot more receptive to the plan!

We are really hoping this is a possibility.
He doesn’t currently wfh, but we do hope that they can allow some flexibility, just short term.[/quote]
Hi - am glad you are finding a way through this but please please tell me you have researched whether you can actually do this - ie can you get a flight and will your DH me allowed into NZ. I would honestly be surprised if this can actually happen. I don't want to put a dampener on it but really the boarder issues and trade restrictions is NZ are so so different to the UK. How do you think they got to the position they are in with COViD? I hope it works out for you.

Travel restrictions not trade!!!

Hi OP, I'm so please your DH is more u understanding than many of the replies you've had on here!

Something I have learnt as a mum of 4 is that it's so important to put yourself first sometimes. Happy mum, happy baby. Nobody should make you feel guilty for that. Lockdown is so rough, your baby is young and will be fine and your mental health is very important. On balance you have a great plan.

What a great potential plan. I hope it all works out for you all.

@Threelittlekittens08 I see you've been pummeled on here already. I don't think it's selfish whatsoever and very happy to see that your husband is supportive.

Please, before you get your hopes up... please investigate whether any of this is possible.

You may actually need to go with your DH's plan to enlist his family for support. Maybe it's best to start preparing mentally for that option.

I know that an Australian person in the same situation would have very limited chances of this plan ever coming to fruition. Obviously it might be different for NZ, but there must be a lot of comparable factors... limited numbers allowed in due to mandatory hotel quarantine; extreme difficulty getting a flight as a result; borders completely closed to non-citizens (is your husband British?). Then, if you do manage to enter, will you be permitted to leave?

So many barriers right now, but absolutely go for it if it is achievable!

I wouldn't go. You have a small baby who won't know their father after a long absence, the father won't get into NZ right now and with the NZ laws the baby will be a habitual resident.

The OP moved here when she was 9. Unless she is 17, she has lived in the UK for longer than she ever lived in NZ. She also moved from one English speaking country to another. This isn’t a new country with a new culture and new language for the OP.

Have you even been to New Zealand ? It's a different culture with a lot of differences to the UK, driving on the left and some of the population having English as their primary language does not make for the same culture.

Op - have you looked for a flight? I tried finding flights and there was nothing, literally not a single seat available.

I think you should go and your husband come out if allowed for Christmas and new year for two weeks and hopefully you will feel better and able to come back with him. Or stay and come back at the end of January, while out there and being looked after by your family hopefully your MH will get better and you can cope with the situation here once back .

@mintyt

I think you should go and your husband come out if allowed for Christmas and new year for two weeks and hopefully you will feel better and able to come back with him. Or stay and come back at the end of January, while out there and being looked after by your family hopefully your MH will get better and you can cope with the situation here once back .

You do realise that the DH will need to quarantine for 2 weeks (at his cost) if he can actually even get a flight?!

Have you even been to New Zealand ? It's a different culture with a lot of differences to the UK, driving on the left and some of the population having English as their primary language does not make for the same culture.

And yet many people move here from the UK and seem to manage just fine. Also, some of the population having English as their primary language??? Really, only some???

Hi @Threelittlekittens08, just created an account to reply to you. I'm also a NZer who has spent many years living in the UK. Last month, DH and I temporarily returned to NZ. DH (who is doing WFH here, complete with 2am calls!) is intending to return to the UK after Christmas, but I'm staying with family for a while longer. If you have NZ citizenship, it is totally do-able for you and your son to visit family here for a few months. I believe that your DH can also enter NZ as long as he is travelling with you.

Flights are currently easy to get. We had to wear masks the whole time (30+ hrs) which was a bit of a pain, but after a few hours you do get used to it, sort of. There were very few people on the flights - on our second leg there were only seven passengers in total.
On arrival in NZ there were the usual border staff, but also police and military. We were locked in the airport and could only leave in an escorted group with an army escort taking us to the quarantine hotel. Once there, you can't leave for 14 days. You're tested for Covid twice, once on Day 3 and again on Day 12.
The hotel was comfortable, with an exercise area outside surrounded by a double layer of high fencing. I saw a number of women with young children there. The children seemed happy, clambering over stuff or doing colouring in or chalk drawings, with materials supplied by the hotel.
Everyone is really lovely, but it's still a very odd situation, being locked in and guarded. The time does pass quickly though, and there's a daily newsletter and a mental health 'Wellbeing Team' that you can talk to.

Once you're out, being in NZ feels like being in an alternative time line. Almost no one is wearing a mask, it's business as usual. I do miss the UK, but it's lovely being with family. I'd felt very far away from them in a way I hadn't before, because of the lack of flights earlier in the year and the current quarantine delays, so it feels good to just be here.

All the best to you OP, I hope it goes well for you.

@eaglejulesk

Have you even been to New Zealand ? It's a different culture with a lot of differences to the UK, driving on the left and some of the population having English as their primary language does not make for the same culture.

And yet many people move here from the UK and seem to manage just fine. Also, some of the population having English as their primary language??? Really, only some???

That doesn't mean that the culture is the same. Yes some people have English as their primary language. Some people have Te Reo Maori and others have a different language. English is the most widely spoken but which languages are the official ones ?

I just read your thread and so pleased to read your update OP. If your instinct to protect your mental/emotional health during this time is to return to your family then do it. It sounds reasonable to me. My mental health has been terrible recently and has once again highlighted why we must listen to ourselves in these situations. Your baby will benefit from a happy Mummy and loving relatives. I hope that you find the space and the healing you deserve. I also agree, increasing medication is not always the answer.

That doesn't mean that the culture is the same. Yes some people have English as their primary language. Some people have Te Reo Maori and others have a different language. English is the most widely spoken but which languages are the official ones ?

NZ has three official languages, English - which almost everyone speaks to some degree, Maori and NZ Sign Language. I think you would have to look very hard to find anyone who spoke Maori but not English. Other immigrants have their own languages - just like in the UK. I seriously doubt that the OP is going to have any problems adapting to life in NZ, and none whatsoever with the language!!!

A couple I know went to New Zealand to live. After being there a couple of years (if that) they came back. Their one memory was of people walking around everywhere without shoes - in the supermarket for example.

It's a very pretty country and lovely as a holiday but jobs are much lower paid and fair less diverse. I haven't had a career in 20 years I could have done in NZ - those markets simply don't exist (the overall markets do but the very well paid niches I was/am in dont). It's expensive too.

If you have a fairly standard job and like the outdoors and are not a big fan of shopping, or anything too cultural and are used to driving everywhere it works. Also sport especially rugby (which is like football here in terms of who plays it - the 'posher' kids tend to play football. You can not escape sport - rugby, racing and beer as they say.

Great if you're a 'bloke' or a woman who does what the blokes want eg is always cheerily making roast dinners (evening meal) for 'her boys' and doing housework. Maybe with a bit of crafting or even some netball on the side. That's the mums anyway. The younger ones go to male orientated social events including sporting. The only place I've seen a real life 'wet t shirt' competition. 'Girls stuff' is not encouraged.

Then there's the smaller towns (aka not Auckland or wellington). Be prepared to be shocked the 'country pubs' (incredibly ugly and quite unsafe) and the general lack of charm in the man made environment. It's also, in small towns, poor and quite insular. There are wealthy farming parts but a lot is very run down and basic. You will be accused of being 'up yourself' for wanting the simplest things. And everything is ftom New Zealand. Forget about Spanish, french or Italian wines or food. Be prepared for strong tasting whites (Chardonnay that is nothing like Chablis) with only the most expensive any good.

In fact forget about the world. Once there holidays will be in New Zealand (and yes the traffic can be horrendous) and will involve going to a Not very nice beach house where mum will continue to cook and clean or at a pinch Australia (several hours flying in fact almost 8 to some parts). Maybe if you're really rich Bali or Fiji etc.

It's also a lot bigger than the uk so drives can easily be 5 hours plus.

If you have a ton of money it can be amazing. A nice house on an island off Auckland (getting there by ferry is easy) to go when you want a break. Decent beaches even in some of the city. Some incredible scenery. Beautiful vineyards with restaurants to visit and hotels attached if you have deep pockets. There are some great bars and places to eat in the cities. Queenstown is good skiing and a lot of fun. The coffee is excellent in bigger towns/cities. Far, far fewer people. Bigger houses (all bungalows). Big gardens. Lovely modern houses on hills for the rich.

And yet. No local pubs. House prices are high. You won't be selling your three bed in Manchester and buying a mansion. People aren't really that into gardening. Not like here. You have to drive everywhere. Even in Auckland.

The people who like New Zealand most are Usually male. It revolves around what men like and want. The OP has been there a lot and has some idea - but if you go with a male partner and take children/have children there you are fucked if you don't like it.

You can NEVER get those children out unless he comes too. And I mean almost from the minute you live there. Women should be warned of this. It's not the paradise you think it is.!

Posters responded based on your opening post in which you clearly stated you wanted to go to another country for up to 6 months.

You have returned to the thread to update with a 2.5 months suggestion, which is very different from your original statement.

What you felt was harsh criticism was based on your original post. I don’t think you can complain about that because you changed your mind about the duration of the trip mid-way though the thread.

It sounds like your husband is trying to protect your mental well-being any way he can, even to the detriment to his own job. That’s very good of him.

You seem very confident a 10 week separation from a parent doesn’t impact a child. I hope that’s the case. It seems unlikely and irrational to me.

Good luck to your family. Nobody on here can help you when you are not really looking for suggestions, just confirmation of your views. It happens all the time on AIBU though.

It's funny how military children survive, yet I suppose a woman making a choice for their own MH should be guilted to feel like the child will forget their dad. Jeez
This came up a few times and has annoyed me. The situation is totally different.

Service people are away from their family because they have vowed to serve the country and are financially supporting their family doing so.

OP had other options to help herself and get better but has been fixed with the idea of having her family take care of her which only benefits her directly.

The two situations are not one bit comparable.

I do agree with other posters that had she posted that she was thinking if going for 6 weeks and be back to spend Xmas with her OH, the responses would have been totally different from the start.

Stop comparing it to military families.

Firstly, it is NOT easy being in a military family. Children do NOT breeze through without giving a second thought to the absent parent. It can be very hard.

They do it because they accepted it was a consequence of their job. The spouse who is not military knows this is the deal. Doesn’t make it easy. But it is accepted.

People who take jobs in offices do not expect to be separated from their children for months at a time because their spouse wants to leave the country for several months and is hell-bent on doing it with or without them. That requires a major adjustment to the plan they had for their married life.

You sound selfish. What would you do if you didnt have any older family to go to?

OP had other options to help herself and get better but has been fixed with the idea of having her family take care of her which only benefits her

That's utter, utter rubbish.