To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

For those asking her mum is unlikely to be able to leave NZ. If OP goes she would have to quarantine for 2 weeks in a hotel and may well not be allowed to leave again until things start to open up (who knows when but may be a year)
Her husband cannot just pop over unless he has PR and if he does he can’t just come and go. There is a REASON NZ has no covid.

You are in a shitty position OP. I think if you leave then you won’t see your husband for many months and the impact on your marriage is likely to be huge. I don’t envy you but I don’t know that there is a workable solution

I don't think you are selfish to consider it, especially as you say your mental health is suffering. However a few thoughts:

If you do go to NZ then your mental health may not improve (although you seem to think it will "fix" it) as you may well end up feeling guilty for leaving DH behind for a bit and simply worry about other things instead of the worries you have at the moment.
You need to try to make friends where you are (if lack of friends is the problem), rather than relocating to NZ for a few months which is just prolonging the problem because what will have changed when you come back?
I don't want to add to your issues, but you must realise that if you go to NZ for 4-6 months and he can't even come over for Xmas then he could find someone else in your absence, even if that seems unlikely right now.

@Oneandzero

Have you done anything to address your mental health issues?

Or have you just gone straight to this as a solution?

@Oneandzero

I was prescribed antidepressants and counselling which was done via video call.

OP I haven’t yet seen anyone here suggest an option which might be more of a halfway house - could you move back to your previous area, where your friends are and you know the neighbourhood etc? And your DH can divide his time between the two if necessary. Perhaps that might help and be more practical?

But you really need to sit him down and just explain to him how bad your mental health is. Don’t do so and then propose any particular solution - in the first instance just talk to him, tell him how you feel. He needs to know.

Stupid question but can you take your baby - are they a citizen?

I don't know why you're prioritising your parents and sister over your husband? You have a family here. It is tough for you, but it must be for other young mums - could you ask a health visitor or a local WhatsApp group about similar mums? Maybe you just need a bit of contact.

It's certainly not a long-term solution.

Im sorry to hear your mental health is suffering. What help have you sought/are you getting for that?

As PP have said are you doing remote meetups with your friends in your old location?

A month is one thing but 4-6 months sounds really harsh on yiur husband and isn't going to fix the root cause of you feeling lonely where you are.

Quite frankly, yes. You are being monumentally selfish in thinking about taking a child to the other side of the world for 6 months, to an area that you know fine well 1) your husband likely couldn't afford to get to 2) he would need to get approval to travel to 3) That flights could be cancelled to at any time.

This doesn't sound like a coping mechanism that someone with depression would jump to. This sounds like an escape plan from an abusive marriage. If that isn't the case, then you must see that your actions are not reasonable. You do not leave a happy marriage and take someone's child away to the other side of an inaccessible world for 6 months, just so you can see your mum!

Seek counselling. Try harder at baby class - a mask does not stop you communicating with people. Get an evening/weekend job, get a hobby, join a gym, facetime with friends and family in NZ, insist your husband does more baby time so you can have peace, talk to your GP. There are many, many other avenues to explore here before you jump on a plane with your baby and wave goodbye to your marriage.

Also, you think of NZ as "home" - does that mean that the UK has been temporary for you?

I am from the US and have always taken our children to visit their extended family. The longest was 6 weeks. My husband usually visits for 1 or 2 weeks depending on work. I am self employed so time is not an issue. We didn't go this year because of covid. It is the first time in 20 years that I have thought that I might ask to move to be near my family. I miss my family and friends.

A trip to NZ might give you some support that you need. Go for a few weeks and you may be sad to return to the UK, but it will be a lot easier then not going IMO. Talk to your husband. Explain your feelings and what you would like to do.

You are no alone in how you are feeling. Well done reaching out.

I don't think you are selfish. Although it will be very very hard on your husband and you should expect a lot of resistance from him. Could you maybe go from now until Christmas? You may just need need a couple of months to reset and you'll be home so that DH doesn't miss out on the first Christmas. You really need to have this discussion with your husband asap though.

I’m not sure 6months is reasonable for such a young baby. I couldn’t imagine being away from my baby for that length of time.

If I was your husband I wouldn’t give consent for you to remove my child from the country for so long and would log it with the courts. After six months there would be nothing from just stopping you from staying as now being habitual for your child.

No women would let the dad do this trip they would all be warned that their baby might not come back etc.

Maybe you should go alone and your dh can hire a live in nanny and you can FaceTime your baby for 4-6 months.

I don't think you can OP, I don't thinks the borders are open.

Not a hope I'd sign off on my wife taking my kids away for 6 months.

And if I were advising your husband I'd be telling him to do everything he can to block it for fear of you not returning.

I think you need to think it through - obviously you miss your family, and there's nothing like feeling alone and being lonely post partum where your world revolves around a baby.

But jump forward a few months - say you go through the mandatory quarantine on arrival in NZ, and then have a month or whatever with your family.

You would still have the same issues when you return, namely lack of a support group, not many friends where you are.

Maybe think how a trip home could be scheduled for all of you to go, rather than you and just DC?

don’t have a group of local mum friends and if you were as lonely as me right now I’m sure you would consider the idea of going to be with your parents and sister a lot nicer than the way I’m currently living.

But when you come back your situation will be the same (if not worse due to being away from your husband so long).
I'm in a similar situation, I didn't talk to another soul apart from the doctor once this year, until recently. But I've really started to work on talking to people even if some of that is virtually, I'm in a WhatsApp group for an open uni course I started for example.
You need to work to improve your situation (even though it's very tough right now) not run away as that won't help in the long run, go to the group's, even if they suck with masks on, try and apply for some jobs, meet people even if it's virtually.

If my partner even hinted at the idea he wanted to take my son away to the other side of the world for 4-6 months, I would be devestated. I would be rethinking the relationship and getting solicitors advice on the legalities of stopping a parent taking the child out of the UK without the other parents permission.

@DontBeShelfish

Is he home in the evenings? Can you talk to him honestly about how you're feeling? Have you spoken to a GP to rule out PND?

He is home in the evenings, yes.

It’s just so hard right now.

Our son was born in January and we were able to have my husbands family come and stay to meet him.
From March that wasn’t allowed and we spent months without even my husbands family being able to visit.

My husband has never worked from home so I’ve always been alone with my son during the day.

I’m currently in an area of local restrictions which means we aren’t able to have my husbands family come and stay with us.

His mum and dad did offer to come and stay for a a few weeks (both retired) but we are aware that that is breaking the rules and none of us want to be rule breakers.

My husband is supportive and he does know how I’ve been feeling. I really do love my husband and I would absolutely hate for my marriage to break down, but I’m so unhappy with our current situation and I’m so so lonely.😔

If you want to go that much why not go and leave the baby with your husband for a few months. You'll be fine with a few facetime calls. Or not!

I think you should go! Sorry I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure this has been suggested but maybe you can go soon and then your husband can join you for a few weeks over Xmas?

@luckylavender

I don't think you can OP, I don't thinks the borders are open

They are to citizens. I’m a citizen.

In the 6 months you will be gone, your son will possibly take his first steps, crawl and say his first words. Theres a possibility that your partner will miss all that and you will return with a toddler after leaving with a baby. His son will likely be closer with your family, and wven your friends than his dad. What about the relationship with relatives on your husbands side?

You will be setting up a life for your child in nz, a whole new routine, you will make friends there , join groups etc. I cant see you wanting to leave that to return to the uk. You wont just slot back together, you and your son will have become a family unit without him. You might return but it will be a huge adjustment

I wouldnt blame you for going but i think realistically you will be leaving your husband behind probably permanently unless he could join you (which isnt possible)

I think it's incredibly selfish to take your child away from his father. What's the bet you don't ever want to leave? Do you really think that is fair on your child?

Argh! I am biting my tongue so hard.

I think if you decide to go it will signal the end of your marriage. It's too long to be apart and if it works and helps you get rid of your PND you are not going to want to come back. I feel a bit sorry for your husband but on the other hand if he is oblivious to your feelings it shows a certain selfishness on his part. After all you moved to where you are for his benefit. Would moving back to your old area be a possibility?