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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

721 replies

Threelittlekittens08 · 12/10/2020 12:12

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Threelittlekittens08 · 12/10/2020 12:27

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup

Are you actually able to go over? I thought New Zealand still had their borders closed.

It does sound like a horrible situation though. Can you arrange to catch up with friends over video chat (don't automatically say they've got their own stuff) and possibly arrange a long weekend to go and visit. You and the wee one in a travelodge or something so you can meet up at park/cafe during the day but no house visits if that restriction isn't lifted by that point.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup

I’m a citizen. I can go. My husband would have to seek approval.

OP posts:
BabyofMine · 12/10/2020 12:30

I think you have to accept if you go, there’s a good chance it’s the end of your marriage.

I absolutely couldn’t do it, and it sounds like you’re using Covid as an excuse. You need to admit to yourself you want to return to NZ. If your husband was more important to you, you’d find a way to make it work.

Yqui · 12/10/2020 12:30

I think you are BU. You can't separate a parent that long from a child and it could even end up longer if there was more covid travel restrictions etc. And it's putting off not solving the problems of loneliness which would just be amplified when you come home and you'd be in the same position and you wouldn't of seen your husband for 6 months.

Hopoindown31 · 12/10/2020 12:31

I'd think very hard before making this decision and only do it if your husband is fully on board. As a kiwi I'm sure you'll appreciate that it isn't just the distance but the time difference that could really cause damage to your marriage and your baby's relationship with their father.

Also really consider options that allow your family to remain together at this time, are you sure there is nothing else that can be done by either of you to improve the situation whilst staying put? Can your husband look at adjustments to be home a bit more? I know it is a new job, but this is an exceptional period of time.

VainAbigail · 12/10/2020 12:31

How would you feel if your husband suggested taking your kid away from you for 4/6mths? And to a completely different part of the world???

Hopoindown31 · 12/10/2020 12:32

Also do check the travel restrictions for NZ. What are the rules for returning citizens and do they apply to non-citizen spouses and in particular to non-citizen spouses travelling separately from the citizen spouse.

Oneandzero · 12/10/2020 12:33

If you have a good marriage then you should stay

And deal with your mental health issues and get your DH on board and more involved

That is what your mother should have advised. Otherwise you are just running away from dealing with your mental health issues and destroying your DH’s in the process!

Tuliptulip · 12/10/2020 12:33

How about your mum coming over here for a bit? Is that a possibility? If you go and get into baby groups etc over there, you will make friends and start building a separate life, and won’t want to come back.

BluebellsGreenbells · 12/10/2020 12:34

I think a new baby seeing their grandparent and OP currently not working makes it an ideal time for a short break.

Baby will do better if mom is well and happy. Some sunshine wouldn’t go amiss either.

Go see your family OP your husband will manage FaceTime calls for a few weeks.

PersonaNonGarter · 12/10/2020 12:34

Of course you are considering it, who wouldn’t?

But this could be really destructive for your family (your first priority family: DH, DS and you). Do you have your DH’s blessing and do you have a return plan? You need both.

Oneandzero · 12/10/2020 12:35

Have you done anything to address your mental health issues?

Or have you just gone straight to this as a solution?

murmurgam · 12/10/2020 12:36

I think a new baby seeing their grandparent and OP currently not working makes it an ideal time for a short break.

Do people really not realise that going to NZ for a short break is really not possible right now?

Igotthemheavyboobs · 12/10/2020 12:36

You can't take his child away for 4-6 months! It would be and incredibly cruel thing to do.

Oneandzero · 12/10/2020 12:36

@BluebellsGreenbells

The OP is saying 4-6 months

ScarMatty · 12/10/2020 12:37

I can't imagine how DIFFERENT the responses on here would be if a dad came along and said they wanted to take their baby away for 6 months without the mum.

OP, YABU. You're got married. That's a unit. A family. Support each other or get divorced

toria658 · 12/10/2020 12:37

You may need to consider the charges for the managed isolation you will be put in upon arrival. I was listening to local radio a few days ago and it mentioned bills being sent out for isolation and the cost from memory was around $3000. I don’t think it is as simple as hopping on a flight.

NZ immigration is in flux atm, contacting them directly might be an idea re possible choices for DH. When I came down here being married meant nothing for the visas that enabled me to stay, do check because they change the rules fairly frequently.

I feel for you, I really do ... really hard choices whatever happens....

doctorhamster · 12/10/2020 12:37

You absolutely can't take your baby away from your dh for that long op. That's massively unreasonable.

Stonerosie67 · 12/10/2020 12:39

I think if it was a man suggesting he took his child away from the mother to go and live on the other side of the world with his parents he would get very different responses...this thread is mn double standards at its finest.
Yes, yabvu.

Original poster
Threelittlekittens08 · 12/10/2020 12:39

@user1471457751

You also seem to be forgetting that your husband is also your family, not just your parents and sibling.

I know my husband is my family too, of course I know this.

My current situation really isn’t very nice and this isn’t a decision I am going to make lightly.

My family moved back to NZ 5 years ago, we’ve visited during that time and they have visited us too.
Up until last year I had a full time job, a good group of friends around me and a social life.

When my husband got his new job I thought it would be a great opportunity for me too.
I was excited at the idea of meeting new mum friends and raising our son in a new place.

But because of Covid and the restrictions, it’s absolutely nothing like I imagined.

My family haven’t even met my son. They had planned to come over at the start of spring but that was cancelled.😞

I don’t have a group of local mum friends and if you were as lonely as me right now I’m sure you would consider the idea of going to be with your parents and sister a lot nicer than the way I’m currently living.

OP posts:
blue25 · 12/10/2020 12:40

Surely your family is now your husband and child? It’s a bit worrying that you don’t see it that way. I feel bad for your husband.

SoupDragon · 12/10/2020 12:40

your husband will manage FaceTime calls for a few weeks.

Yeah, let the father only see his baby via FaceTime for 4-6 months. Just lovely.

thedancingbear · 12/10/2020 12:41

'my husband says he is struggling with his mental health, and plans to return to his country of origin with our child for a period of months. I am the sole breadwinner; he is a SAHD'

Fucking classic MN double standards. so so boring.

kissmysass · 12/10/2020 12:41

You might be a NZ citizen, but I assume your son is a British citizen. Would this throw a spanner in the works? I also think 4-6 months is too long. It isn't fair on your husband. You also need his permission to travel there with the child, would he say no?

damnthatanxiety · 12/10/2020 12:42

@Thehop

Could you go until say Christmas, and afford for husband to come for a holiday?
Unless DH is an NZ citizen, then he won't be allowed in without paying an extra $3000 to quarantine in a hotel for 2 weeks
DontBeShelfish · 12/10/2020 12:42

I say this as someone who's family live some distance away, and who left their partner not long after DC was born because of a relationship breakdown. I fully understand that you're in a state of anxiety and you want to be close to your family. I felt that too, and that was many years before the pandemic so I can only imagine how you're feeling now. But if you love your husband, and he loves you, I don't think it's fair to leave. He hasn't done anything wrong.

Is he home in the evenings? Can you talk to him honestly about how you're feeling? Have you spoken to a GP to rule out PND?