To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

newlook

It is like military families in that being away for a period of time is manageable.

It is like military families in that being away for a period of time is manageable
As is OPs staying home with the help of her in laws if 'mangeable' is acceptable.

I think the military comparisons are fair in regards to the child. My 2 year old at the time hadn't mutually agreed daddy would be away for a few months and that would be fine, but the comments about them forgetting them etc isn't accurate. I know a lot of military children (myself included) didn't like it when we were older, but none have forgotten who their dad is, or if they were away for 6 months when babies had irreversible damage done to their relationship. It's different in regards to the partner, but goodness.

@Harehedge

Many of us who’ve responded are in international marriages and have also moved far away from both sides of the family for career opportunities, so we do have some idea of what we’re talking about.

I suggested a three-month visit as a compromise, but I agree with the posters who’ve warned that the situation won’t actually be resolved when the OP gets back, she’ll still have to deal with it. A break can give you breathing space and perspective, that’s all. it sounds as if the OP and her DH are working as a team, though, so I think they’ll get through it.

It’s good that you have some options which seem mutually agreeable. Well done.

However, look at this fact pattern. From your posts it sound like you:

• are financially comfortable
• have loving relationships with your own parents
• have in laws who you have good enough relations with to contemplate co-habiting with for a number of weeks
• have a baby
• are 34
• are amenable to working
• are capable of forming friendships

All that seems to be lacking is “support”. You’re lonely.

There’s no crime in not being able to handle loneliness for a few months. But it does point to a lack of resilience. Life can be challenging in many many ways. You seem reliant on relationships and other people to an extent which negatively impacts your well being, and which is disruptive to family life. Your family, here, is the one your son sees - his parents.

Drugs are far too often thrown at women, I despair of it. They’re rarely the solution and I don’t think they sound like the answer for you. I do think you should consider how self-sufficient, creative, self-reliant, independent, self-supportive you can be. It’s good to be all these things, for times when the chips are down. Honestly, objectively speaking, your chips aren’t even down. You’re just lonely. Travelling half way round the world with a baby/toddler for band aid “support” (or encouragement or succor or to just be with loved ones) for a few weeks isn’t dealing with the problem. It’s patching the issue.

I am very close to a woman who was in almost exactly the same situation as you (not NZ, somewhere 8hrs away by air. No pandemic, but she’d never lived abroad in her life before she moved to the UK ages 24 and she committed to a year’s conversion course for her profession, so couldn’t go back to visit for the first 12 months. Her entire world was in her home country). 15 years and two kids down the line, she’s still “running away” back to her parents as soon as she can, “patching” up her homesickness and loneliness. She hates herself for it. She’s on super strength anti-depressants permanently now. Her daughters HATE that at the first sign of school holidays they have to go back to their mum’s home country. Her marriage has been materially impacted by all these absences and this absolute reliance on other people for her happiness (as far as the marriage goes, the problem isn’t that these other people live so far away. It’s that her life at home isn’t enough for her). You don’t sound quite as bad as this person I know, and you’ve just had your first baby, and you sound quite capable and willing to make a life for yourself under non-pandemic circumstances. But there are similarities in this need for other people, which is so strong it impacts your home and family life. It’s not healthy.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl - your post has left me speechless!! What a load of absolute rubbish. I'm guessing you have picked up all this nonsense from your friends, and all I can say if their "one' memory is of people walking around without shoes then that says it all. There are so many inaccuracies in your "view" of NZ that I am not even going to try and address them all - but as the OP sounds a sensible sort, and as her family live in NZ and know what life there is really like, I doubt very much she is going to take the slightest bit of notice of this crock of shit.

eaglejulesk Right?! Biggest pile of steaming turds I've seen in a long time.

@GrouchyKiwi

eaglejulesk Right?! Biggest pile of steaming turds I've seen in a long time.

Yes...it's cobblers.

ARoseInHarlem

What utter rot. You clearly don't know what you're talking about.

Projecting bollocks.

It sounds like your husband is trying to protect your mental well-being any way he can, even to the detriment to his own job. That’s very good of him.

Honestly, the utter shit some women spout.

That's the least he can do.

How would your husband feel about your removing of his child to the other side of the world?

@eaglejulesk I lived there. For a very long time. I've travelled throughout NZ. Lived in 2 major cities and a town. So yeah. You can say it's rubbish but then that would be a little foolish if you not knowing the facts. Did I mention it's an incredibly parochial country? New Zealand is perfect to New Zealander's. Especially the ones who haven't lived anywhere else - except perhaps London as an impoverished youngster.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl - when were you there - the 1950s? As for being parochial, have you ever seen any of the threads on MN when someone from another country dares voice a criticism of the UK?

Erm, I've lived there, in villages of 500 on the West Coast, to Auckland. Both North and South Islands. I think I know the facts. I find it incredibly hard to believe you have lived there, because what you describe is what I've heard Brit's tell each other when they didn't like NZ, and came back, to justify their choice. It's laughable. So outdated and ignorant. Of course, it's the same sort of people that talk about how Maori were/are cannibal, and ask if they wear grass skirts.

I'm a little bit over New Zealanders being called parochial, when it's usually coming from one eyed Brit's who are still mourning the bloody empire, unable to see that the exceptionalism was a myth, an accident of history.

NZ is not perfect. NZ is not paradise. We have huge issues with the same issues that other developed nations have - obesity, domestic violence, child abuse, lack of investment in education and health, mental health and suicide. We also have legacy issues as a result of colonialism, and its impact on Maori, and addressing the grievances and injustices perpetuated by the British Empire and its representatives, and their resulting wounds upon Maori. We seek to address these issues, some more successfully than others.

Let me see, I've lived in London (not as an impoverished youngster, lol, we lived the high life), lived in Swindon, (oh Dear Lord - talk about gardening?! With a straight face, saying that people over here are into their gardens in a way that Kiwis aren't?! Oh my days!), lived in Canada, lived in the South East. . .

I'll stack my experience and lack of PAROCHIALISM against yours any bloody day, allMarriedtoDaveGrohl

This is a local, well known garden in NZ, obviously they hate gardening,

I think perhaps some people have difficulty understanding less rigid, more informal gardens. . . you know. . . less English. . .

davegr

I have never seen such a spectacularly successful exercise in Missing The Point. You should win some kind of award.

Oh yes, I had sort of glossed over the "not really into gardening" comment. That is something to laugh over a lot - considering most gardens in NZ are larger than their UK counterparts, and the country is awash with gardening centres! Yes @mbosnz , obviously only formal English type gardens count as being gardens to some people.

oh dear.... things have taken a dark turn 😱

Have just read your update OP - so happy for you!

The very best to you and your family.

OP

I am glad you can connect to NZ, having a baby during this pandemic is tough.

Some of the responses have been appalling and in my view incredibly sexist.

I hope you can join some Plunket groups and get some support! Kia Kaha.

MarriedtoDavdGrohl

"Great if you're a 'bloke' or a woman who does what the blokes want eg is always cheerily making roast dinners (evening meal) for 'her boys' and doing housework. Maybe with a bit of crafting or even some netball on the side. That's the mums anyway. "

My response Oh my goodness for what it is worth- my Kiwi FIL does all the cooking and everyone (regardless of their sex) helps to clear and clean dinner away. My husband does the roasts. My father did the roasts and all the cleaning and held down 2 jobs until he got till. Obviously that is not a scientific sample but still for goodness sakes there are real opportunities for NZ women.

Not true about wine either.

Also what rot about only the riff raff playing rugby. There are some elite schools that produce all blacks but in the main everyone can play rugby, including females. Part n parcel for the reason NZ is so good at rugby is the rugby clubs but also touch rugby (without tackling) is played by so many people. Youngsters get fantastic skills from touch rugby.

Someone mentioned lack of culture - unbelievable, when my father was dying and died a Maori community (who he lived nearby when he was younger) came to our town and looked after my entire family, no questions asked, and when my mother couldn't cope they coped for her and looked after us all. Unbelievable to discount NZ, Maori and Pacific culture, leaving aside the arts.

Nz is not perfect there are issues with drugs and domestic violence and other issues but I will not have my county called a cultural wasteland.