To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@helpfulperson

If you want to go that much why not go and leave the baby with your husband for a few months.You'll be fine with a few facetime calls. Or not!

You’re saying this as though my main aim of wanting to go is to take my son away from my husband. It’s not!

My husband works full time so unless he quits his job he cannot care for our son full time, and if he is willing to quit his job then we could apply for an exemption for him to come to NZ with me!![/quote]
@Threelittlekittens08 is it feasible for him to come with? Do you have a mortgage etc?

@Threelittlekittens08 it all sounds incredibly hard for you and this pandemic has had such a terrible impact. Can we help with practical suggestions of groups etc in your area?

You're depressed, lonely, isolated, and anxious. These things are terrible and I'm sorry you're feeling like this but you absolutely can't take your son away from a father that loves him because of it. You need to deal with this inside yourself and realise home is where you are - your husband and your son. Home is not where your parents are on NZ as a whole, especially during a pandemic.

Please get in touch with your local GP. Try online counselling. Meet friends via Mush and online platforms. But please don't abandon your husband and take his child away from him for months on end.

You can absolutely go. When I was on Mat leave I went home for 3 months, my husband understood that was where I could get help and support and both his wife and his daughter would be looked after and cared for. We also had moved to a new country where I didn't speak the language, had no friends and spent all day fairly miserable until my husband came home where I would be horrible company. OP, its such a tough time being on mat leave, you lose all sense of yourself as a person, if going home will help, do it. Your husband loves you and will understand why its important for you.

How would your husband's mental health be having to spend months away from his family, including his infant son??

Are you planning this over his first Christmas too??

It really depends what your husband says. I can't imagine he would want to be apart from his child for so long? Can you speak to your GP here?

I’m going to go against the grain and say go. In my mums country this kind of thing is quite common. Lots of people work abroad for long periods to send money home. My cousin did what you did, her husband was working away for a couple of months and my cousin went home to her mum and sisters and had a great time with the baby. She stayed after he was done with work, maybe 4-5 months in all.

If your husband can only provide you limited support with your mental health at the moment then I would say go.

Op I get your loneliness a little. I moved to a country for my husbands job, had a toddler and a baby, didn’t know anyone, couldn’t drive and turned out my husbands work took him away for days/weeks sometimes. I’ve never known loneliness like it after coming from a close family in my home country.
So I get it, and I get how tempting it is.
We’ve had to cancel family trips too and it’s heartbreaking.
But, 4-6 months is too long, I think you know that too.
You miss your family and you’re struggling but the solution isn’t to leave your husband to miss his family.
Also, would you have to quarantine for 2 weeks in a hotel with a baby? That would be a disaster for your mental health.
Please go see your GP and ask for help, things will get easier xx

I really do love my husband and I would absolutely hate for my marriage to break down, but I’m so unhappy with our current situation and I’m so so lonely

That sentence is EXACTLY what you need to say to your husband. Running away to NZ isn’t the solution. It wouldn’t solve anything, because everything you’re trying to run away from would be waiting for you here when you came back, plus you’d have a whole host of extra problems with your marriage and employability on top.

Talking honestly to your husband about just how desperately how unhappy the circumstances caused by your joint living situation are making you is the right thing to do and the only real way forward. If he knew how unhappy you actually are, and he’s a decent man, he would do all he could to help you and you’d come up with options together instead of you detonating a cross-continental bomb in your marriage that there will be no coming back from.

Wow, I get that lots of people disagree but the OP is really struggling. She’s not suggesting doing this on a whim, nor is she taking it lightly- what happened to being kind?

I have a lot of sympathy for you but I think you need to exhaust every other option before you do this as it might seem the answer now, but could have catastrophic long term consequences for your marriage and your DC’s relationship with their dad. Having his family to stay would not be breaking the rules if you are doing it for mental health reasons and is considerably less risky in terms of infection risk than going on a plane through various airports. On the same basis (mental health/ care of a minor) you could have members of your family come and stay with you I think. Could you work for a few days/ hours a week? Could your partner negotiate a short/ long term change to his work pattern so he can do some of the childcare and you get out of the house (if necessary overnight in a low risk area). Could you afford to rent in a low risk area for a few months, even holiday accommodation (low cost out of season), so you can do more normal things- I am in the Home Counties and life here is pretty normal, loads of baby stuff going on. Even if there is a pretty nasty commute for your partner it’s better than you going half way around the world. In short, do everything you can to help your situation, including bending the corona-regs if necessary (mental health issues are basically something which allows an exemption anyway) before you do this. It would have torn my DH apart to be away from our kids as infants for 4-6 months.

I haven’t really thought about the time frame but perhaps 4-6 months
This is the time frame by which you establish yourself.

What if by then you are so happy there and got used to not missing your oh? What would motivate you to come back? In all likelihood, nothing. You oh will have to face the end of his marriage and a proper relationship with his child.

Things have been difficult for you, but it's only been 9 months. I too moved to an area where I knew nobody at all with a husband working 12h days. There were not any baby groups within 1/2h drive and I didn't drive. I felt so lonely.

The solution was to get a job. I met all my friends through work and nursery, then school. I went back when my eldest was 9 months and exhaustion replaced loneliness but I coped much better.

Times are hard, but there still jobs around. So go to the baby groups, even if wearing masks. You might meet someone as long as you. Apply to jobs, if anything it will help you distracted.

Nothing wrong planning to go there, but it should be no longer than a few weeks as a holiday.

Depriving your child and his father if 6 months together just because you haven't made all the efforts to beat your current state of depression would be very selfish.

I think if you go, you will not want to come back because of the negative associations you have around your current situation.

Can you look for work in your new area which will help you to have more connections with people. Or volunteer? Childcare settings are still open so hopefully there will be somewhere with space for your little one
I know it’s difficult job searching right now (I’m going through this also) but I know going back to work is better for my mental health

YABU!
How would you feel the other way round OP?
Six months away from your son and missing his first Christmas? Would you be OK with that?
Because there's no way on earth I'd be giving permission for this if I was your DH. I'd also be worried that you would go there and then not come back.

@Threelittlekittens08 We moved from London to a place 120 miles away because of property prices.
DS born two weeks later.
I was so lonely and unsupported..
I do know how that feels.. my DH worked a lot away in eves and days.

But..NZ is as far away as it is possible to go from U.K...
You have to consider your husband too.. he may be devastated to lose you and DC
A tricky one.

You would be seriously risking your marriage and destroying your son’s bond with his other parent to run away. If you have PND, you cannot escape it by changing continents. You need to get professional help and support.

I agree with other posters. When you get to NZ and you fall into a routine of familiarity and constant support, you're only going to view your current situation in a worse light and are likely not going to want to come back forcing your husband to either accept his wife and baby now live separately, to quit his job and move for you, or to end a (presumably) happy marriage.

I understand you're lost and seeking support but the only way this will end is in a heartbroken DH and a failed marriage.

I was moving countries when my son was 2 months to join my partner who took a job abroad they were apart for 4 months there’s video calls and visits, it can take along time to work on mental health and having support is important. I would have a open and frank conversation with your husband.

tbh if my dh said he was going 'home' and wanting to take our child with him to the other side of the world for these reasons, then went and did it, i'd be filing for divorce.
so many people are suffering but running away isn't an option for most, better to try to sort things out first. [and before a pile on i have had mh issues for years]

How would you feel if it was the other way round? Your H wanted to take baby away for 4-6 months to see his family whilst you continue to work.

Very unfair and I feel sorry for your H.

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@luckylavender

I don't think you can OP, I don't thinks the borders are open

They are to citizens. I’m a citizen.[/quote]
Have you researched flights and cost of flights? And also quarantine costs? It's near impossible to travel to NZ and so I would research that to see if it's an option in any event - I seriously doubt it is.

To be away for several months .. it is very likely your mum will pressure you to stay in NZ.

Your DH May fear he will lose his child for good..

I don’t think it’s likely you’ll come back as parents will do anything to keep adult children and grand children close.
Could your mum not move here instead?

I think you should let his parents move in with you for a bit OP. It sounds as if a full on breakdown is on the cards for you if you don’t, and therefore it would be for medical reasons.

Once you have had the benefits of their company, their help round the house, time to yourself and hopefully a bit of extra sleep, you may well feel very different in a few weeks time

Is your husband aware of your struggles? If yes, has he been supportive? If no, is it because you've put on a brave face or him not really being involved with family life?

[quote Threelittlekittens08]@Devlesko

I don't think it's selfish, if you can leave your husband and think of home as somewhere you haven't lived since being 9, you should go.
No reason for you to stay, tbh.
I pity him.

It’s home because it’s currently where my family are.[/quote]
Is your family not your husband and child?