To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

I get why you want to go. I am recovering from severe PND. A pandemic has made everything much harder. Being at home with a baby is mind numbing at times. Yes you love them to bits but they don't say much. It's very lonely.

I sadly don't think going to NZ is the answer though. Babies develop so much in their first year. Your husband would miss so much and that bond they have will weaken if you're away so long.

Call your health visitor, tell them how you're feeling, your baby is under 1 so the perinatal mental health team can help you. In my area they're allowed to do visits again. Call your GP and say you don't feel any better. They may be able to tweak your medication. I had to go on to a higher dose recently and it's made a difference. In normal times you all taking a trip over to NZ would be a great idea but with the way things are just now I don't think it is.

You’re saying this as though my main aim of wanting to go is to take my son away from my husband. It’s not!
It's the end result though, isn't it? You will be taking your child away from his father for months and months, possible permanently.

My husband works full time so unless he quits his job he cannot care for our son full time, and if he is willing to quit his job then we could apply for an exemption for him to come to NZ with me!!
Is this a move to force his hand because it won't end well for anyone, let alone your child?

I understand how lonely and down you feel, OP. I think you should focus on practical ways to help that, whether that be a talk with your GP, looking for work of some kind, contacting local groups, etc etc.

I get you’re missing your parents and sister, and especially so at the moment. But you cannot just take your son away for months! It’s unkind. Imagine the situation was reversed - really, stop and imagine it in every detail. How would you feel if your husband was going to disappear to the other side of the world and take your child away from you for months?

You need to sit down and talk to your DH. Not about your NZ idea, but about how lonely you’re feeling. Make a plan. Can he go P/T temporarily? Work from home? Look for a job near your old area? Help you get out more?

The trouble is it’s a bit of a self-perpetuating situation. You’re down and lonely so you don’t feel like going out. You then get even more down. Getting out of the house does wonders for your MH. It might not be all you need but it really helps. When I had my first child and was in a new area, I pushed her in her buggy for an hour or two every day, and it helped so much. I also made a routine to help the day pass. That was a help too.

This is something you need to work through together and as a family. I truly understand your desire but I think it’s wrong and I don’t think any good will come of it. I say that kindly not as an accusation. I sympathise with you. X

New Zealand isn't paradise. Everywhere is a long way apart and it's boring unless you are a very sporty and outdoorsy person which with a 9 month old baby and depression is unlikely. Endless endless suburbs. So it may not be what you think. The only draw is your family but you have been here since you are 9. This is your home. You are not a kiwi and it won't be familiar.

I think you need to prioritise what you can socially including getting you and baby out for walks with friends and mother and baby groups. Sure there's masks but so what? To do nothing and then think the solution is to take your baby to the other side of the world is your depression talking.

I understand why you feel this way, I really do. It's hard. But you havd to treat the situation you have here - and I would have thought you would miss your husband? Maybe there's more to this but taking the baby away from a father is pretty heavy. If this was a father doing this (especially to NZ where you'll never get the child back again) MN would be up in arms.

As gently as possible, I would try to stay and fix your current situation. Not run away from it as it will just be a short term fix and not a long term solution. It will probably be even harder to return to the UK and make your life here. Does your husband understand the severity of how your feeling. I would sit with him and try to problem solve he's your immediate family, you need to be a team. If you go he could miss out on so much with your som from his first steps to words. He wouldn't know his dad when you returned. You need to be really sure about such a big step. I hope it all works out for you.

OP you know you may not want to return .. after settling home for 6 months. This may well be the end of your marriage. Have you considered this 🌺

A European dad - unmarried... lost his little girl when her mother took her overseas.
It broke his heart.
However, when she was old enough she contacted him- and they have a very close relationship.
She really missed not having a dad.
Inter country relationships can be fraught where DC are involved.
Please think of your DH and son who deserve a relationship.

If I was your H I would quit my job and go with you. Financially how would this work? I would not let my child be taken away from me. I understand how you feel but your home is here with your H. You need to speak to your GP and get help.

@SomeonesMum123

You can absolutely go. When I was on Mat leave I went home for 3 months, my husband understood that was where I could get help and support and both his wife and his daughter would be looked after and cared for. We also had moved to a new country where I didn't speak the language, had no friends and spent all day fairly miserable until my husband came home where I would be horrible company. OP, its such a tough time being on mat leave, you lose all sense of yourself as a person, if going home will help, do it. Your husband loves you and will understand why its important for you.

Your situation is totally different.

The OP moved here when she was 9. Unless she is 17, she has lived in the UK for longer than she ever lived in NZ. She also moved from one English speaking country to another. This isn’t a new country with a new culture and new language for the OP.

What will you do if he refuses to let you take his son to the other side of the world for an indefinite amount of time?

Are you still in the UK, or in another country?

I think its very reasonable and i think a stay of 2-3 months would be best for everyone. Longer I don't think is fair on you husband. There should I hope be a vaccine around in january so that normal life can start again. either way this is a break you need,. you can keep in touch daily via facetime with your DH. If he loves you he will see you struggling and be happy for you to go. I'm sure though he will be anxious about you deciding to stay without him, so that needs some thought

My baby is 8 months old and I've suffered massively during lockdown with loneliness and mental health (my DH has worked throughout, often away from home). We have no family nearby either.

Despite that, I could never, ever take our child away from my husband for 4-6 months. It would absolutely kill him. Maybe for a few weeks, but any longer than that isn't fair on your DH or your child.

Everyone is suffering one way or another through this pandemic, but I don't think upping sticks and separating a child from its father is the right thing to do.

@Rewis and @annonymousse.

I know its the fall back position for some to blame the DH, but this is not the case. If you read the post the DH has been very supportive to the OP.

I think people are being harsh. You’re miserable and that’s crap for your baby either way. These are extreme circumstances. No, going to NZ is not ideal, but it’s also doable.

I dont think the OP is interested so much in what NZ can offer her, as much as family and support.

I do not think you should take your DC away from their father for 4-6 months.
Life is really hard right now and that’s exacerbated by your situation.
You need to tell your DH how you feel and you need to make decisions as a family unit.

No, going to NZ is not ideal, but it’s also doable.

If her husband agrees. She doesn’t own their child.

YABU. Whilst I feel for you, I can't understand your thought process to take your baby away from their DF for anything up to 6 months. 1-2 months, I get it, a reset. But 4-6 months?

Also - there are baby classes running in most of the UK again aren't there? Can't you find one. Or get a PT job, with your DC going into nursery - just to get you out and about and having adult conversations with people living locally?

I feel that this is running from your problems rather than solving them.

Even if you go for a few weeks, you'll still have to come home and not have a job or anyone around to support you.

Have you signed baby up to a nursery? I feel like as well as a doctors trip you might need to think about return to work. Or perhaps volunteering somewhere. You need to make a life for yourself where you are and not focus on what you've lost

@CJsGoldfish

You’re saying this as though my main aim of wanting to go is to take my son away from my husband. It’s not! It's the end result though, isn't it? You will be taking your child away from his father for months and months, possible permanently.

My husband works full time so unless he quits his job he cannot care for our son full time, and if he is willing to quit his job then we could apply for an exemption for him to come to NZ with me!!
Is this a move to force his hand because it won't end well for anyone, let alone your child?

I will not be taking my son away permanently!

I just want to go and spend some time with mum and dad. For them to meet my son.
A few weeks just isn’t possible given the current circumstances.

There is no trying to force my husband hand.
A previous poster had suggested I go to NZ and leave my son with my husband.

I was just pointing out that fit my husband to be a full time caregiver he would need to quit his job and if he were to quit it wouldn’t be to stay in the UK and look after our soon whilst I leave.
He would be coming with us.

Could you go and leave your baby here with your DH?

After all, that’s what you’re proposing the other way around isn’t it? So surely it’s not unreasonable to expect you to be the one being separated from your child because you want to go to NZ.

FWIW referring to New Zealand as home is ridiculous. It’s not home, it so happens to be the place where you were born but that’s it.

You’re holding on to some kind of fantasy of what going to New Zealand is going to be like, when the chances are it’s going to be nothing like it. Yes your parents and sister are there, but they have their own lives and you’re not a part of that, so you’ll still be on your own..

Are you sure this isn't a case of the grass being greener? I'm sure it will be fantastic to spend some time with your parents and sister, but do you want to do it for longer than a short (ish) holiday?

A colleague of mine had his parents visit his wife and new baby from overseas. Then lockdown happened and they ended up being stranded here for several months. Whilst colleague said it was fantastic to have his parents and for them to spend so much time with the baby - they had all well and truly got sick of each other by the end.

Also, what will happen when you get back? You still won't know anyone or have a job ... it feels like you would be better to address these issues, rather than pushing them down the road.

I know its the fall back position for some to blame the DH, but this is not the case. If you read the post the DH has been very supportive to the OP.

To be fair to MN on this occasion there has been much less of this on this thread than I expected.

Still, a man posting that he wanted to do the same on here would have been shredded alive.

As I said in my earlier post, OP needs to look at other options and really discuss this issue with her husband. Taking unilateral action here will end her marriage and likely result in legal action for abduction.

@redvest

I dont think the OP is interested so much in what NZ can offer her, as much as family and support.

@redvest

Thank you. This is exactly it.

If Mum & Dad were here things would be very different for me.