To temporarily leave my husband and go “home”

[Threelittlekittens08]

I was born in New Zealand and moved to the uk I was 9.
5 years ago my parents decided to relocate and have moved back to NZ with my sister.

I made the decision to stay as I’m happily married and was settled in a great job.

Last year just after we found out I was pregnant, my husband was offered a promotion at work which involved him relocating.
It seemed like a great opportunity, which included a house with no rent so he decided to accept!!
I quit my job and the plan was to look for work once our son was a year old (he’s now 9 months)

Obviously we didn’t foresee a pandemic!

Since my son has been born I’m suffering with depression. I’m so incredibly lonely.
My husband has always been office / field based and has continued to be even during lockdown.

I haven’t met anyone new in our area; I don’t have any local friends.
All of my old friends live too far away to just be able to catch up with.

I’m anxious about Covid, I’m in a high risk area, so this is preventing me wanting to go out and socialise.

I did sign up to a local baby class but we had to wear masks to it wasn’t the ideal setting to meet new people.

My mental health is struggling massively.

My husband doesn’t have any family near by to help out either and they’re all too far away to just pop in.

I FaceTimed with mum yesterday and she suggested I go back to Nz for a while. She wouldn’t ever just suggest I leave my husband, but she knows how much I am struggling.

I haven’t mentioned mums suggestion to my husband. He’s doing very well with his job and I know he’s really happy.
I couldn’t ask him to move to another continent.

The thing is I think I really want to go.
There’s zero Covid there right now and life is pretty much normal.

I will have the support of my family and I will be able to socialise with my baby without the fear of either of us catching Covid.

I really don’t know what to do.

I feel awful that I want to go, my husband would be crushed at the thought of not seeing me and his son.
But if I stay I honestly fear for my mental health.

I feel like my life right now is just existing and not actually living.

I know I need to have this conversation with my husband, but am I being incredibly selfish even considering it?

It really depends on your relationship and how this is presented. 6 months may be too long but could few months be ok? Like you go now and come back for Christmas or your husband travels to nz for xmas (if allowed) and you come back together.

That being said. Your phrasing seems very permanent. It talks about leaving your husband instead of "aibu to go visit family in nz for a few months to help with my my?". So is this actually a visit or just test before considering a permanent move?

OP, as a fellow Kiwi, with all my family except my immediate family back in NZ, I really do empathise and sympathise. I'm more fortunate in that my girls are older, and we are a very tight unit. It would be a lot harder with a newborn, and it's no wonder you're struggling mentally, and feeling very far away from your whanau, and your extended family support network.

We have Spanish friends who had their baby in NZ, and she struggled much the same way you are struggling. They went home for several months, so that she could have that soft place of family to fall. However, the difference is, that they went as a family, DH went too. This isn't possible for you at the moment, which would make it a very hard decision for you to make, as it would be very hard on your DH in terms of him creating and maintaining a relationship with his wee baby son - and also with you, his wife, creating and maintaining the new dynamics in your roles with each other and the new arrival.

Only you, and DH can decide what you should do, what you can do, what you need to do. You need to talk to him. Very honestly. You are feeling very lonely and that is understandable.

I know for myself, it's very hard hearing from family back in NZ how things are back to normal, it's life as usual, they can take for granted the 'little things', like baby classes, and meeting up with family and friends. It's hard when you turn your eyes back to the UK, and naturally make some very unfavourable comparisons!

I don't doubt how tough this is for you, you're not alone in that respect. But taking your child away from his father for six months is not on. Your mental health is important, but it's not more important than your son and your husband. Taking your son away from your husband would have long lasting impact on their relationship.

As for people suggesting going to NZ for a few weeks, I'm lost for words!

If my partner even hinted at the idea he wanted to take my son away to the other side of the world for 4-6 months, I would be devestated. I would be rethinking the relationship and getting solicitors advice on the legalities of stopping a parent taking the child out of the UK without the other parents permission.

This, totally.

@helpfulperson

If you want to go that much why not go and leave the baby with your husband for a few months.You'll be fine with a few facetime calls. Or not!

You’re saying this as though my main aim of wanting to go is to take my son away from my husband. It’s not!

My husband works full time so unless he quits his job he cannot care for our son full time, and if he is willing to quit his job then we could apply for an exemption for him to come to NZ with me!!

I think some people are being unnecessarily harsh here. Op likely has PND. If you can’t post with a little empathy then perhaps don’t post at all.

Well of course YABU.

Another option, could you find a job and child minder for the little one? Even a few days a week. That way you can stay with DH but have more socialisation and something else to focus on. Being a SAHM is not for everyone and your child would benefit from having a caregiver that is more engaged. Not blaming you at all for feeling how you feel!! It's a shit time for everyone right now. If you do go to NZ I wouldn't go for longer than 3 weeks.

Hi OP, I have family in NZ but their parents are here in the UK. The daughter often comes back for 3/4 months with her young children while her husband stays and works. Your situation is not as black and white as some posters are suggesting. I think you need to sit down with your husband and talk through how you are feeling and that you'd like to go back and see your parents. He may suprise you and fully support the trip. I really feel for you OP, having a baby can be lonely at the best of times but being in a new area with no friends or family must be incredibly hard.

oh OP i do really feel for you and I understand completely how lonely you must feel but I dont think going to NZ is the answer. 4-6 months is a very long time in the life of a small baby and even if your DH said yes, I doubt he would be 'happy' with it

You sound very low - combination of move, leaving friends and job behind and then the pandemic, its not a surprise you feel alone

can you tell us whereabouts you are? people might be able to suggest help that is more local to you

This shit show will not be over until late spring in the UK so if you do manage to get into NZ your are looking at minimum 8 months there.

Flowers grow wherever you water them.

If you spend time in new zealand building friendships, joining groups then you wont wish to return to a country where you have none of that. I would encourage you to make a real effort into building relationships here, so you have friendships to come back to at least

So I take it that everyone saying go would be totally fine with their partner or husband taking their children to the other side of the world for 4-6 months?

If i was your husband and I knew you were planning to do this i would probably be considering taking legal advice to stop you taking the child for even a short holiday because of the fear you might get stuck out there or not return. He is the child's dad. If you want to go, go, but don't take the child away from their dad.

Sure, talk to your husband and compromise. Move back to your old area, but you can't take your child the other side of the world to help your mental health - what about the mental health of the dad, and potentially in the future of your son?

OP, just a thought, but have you any Kiwi connections near you? Sometimes just getting together with them, whether they have small children or not, can be helpful, and make you feel a little less alone. (We have two sets of friends over here, who have had babies who have just turned one, and we're kind of honorary aunty, uncle, and big couzzie bro's to them!)

Yes your husband works full time to provide for you and your baby. How can you even suggest he quit his job to come to NZ with you.
You’re extremely unreasonable and selfish

Could you go and stay with friends in your old area for a couple of weeks? Or perhaps rent a holiday cottage ect. If poss your H take some time off work and spend some time together.

One of the best things I did for my mental health op was just getting out. Put DC in the pushchair and go for a walk. Go somewhere new as often as possible. If the weather is lousy get in the car and go for a drive. Get to know the local area. Try and identify good potential places to meet people. Is there a child friendly cafe? I know covid makes it complicated but it's not completely impossible. Try and plan in one thing to look forward to every day.

If you can't go and stay with a friend for a break could you invite them up for a weekend? Sometimes it's easier to go new places and meet new people in a group.

you cant just up and leave your dh for 6 months with his child

sorry youre having a rough time but its just wrong

@Threelittlekittens08 I get it, I had a lockdown baby too. It's been really weird and lonely. Even though I am in the place I have always been, because of lockdown I might as well have moved halfway across the country. We didn't see anyone for months, it was so lonely and overwhelming. My parents have only been to visit once. There are some friends I still haven't seen since lockdown began. It's tough and not at all the mat leave I had imagined.

However we've been able to stay connected by email/text/zoom/Insta/phone. Before you make such a drastic change, have you been reaching out to your support network? If you're struggling, do it, don't wait for people to get in touch with you first, ask for help.

Have you tried Peanut? It's an app to connect with new mums. I have met a new local friend there. Also the NCT have local WhatsApp groups for new mums so you can talk to people experiencing similar challenges.

You're not on your own - there are so many of us in the same boat. This too shall pass.

Tricky one OP, I think that if it was just you and you didnt have little one it would be a no brainer, but that's a huge ask of your partner, to be away from both you and his child for potentially a few months or more. Does he know how much you are struggling? Is there anything he can do in regards to his job to help?

I think there is little doubt your marriage will be over if you go. This is such a short term issue, the world will look so different in 6 months I think your efforts should go into trying to improve your situation. Take up tennis, it is incredibly social - baby groups, there are a million things you can do before taking him to the other side of the world
I wouldn't even suggest it, there is no way he will agree to it and it will only add to your stress. I would seriously be re considering my marriage if my husband suggested what you are

Of course YABU

You can't take his child and move to the other side of the world for an indefinite period of time.

Everyone is struggling in lockdown with all the restrictions and the uncertainty and feelings of isolation and loneliness

Perhaps ask your husband to take some annual leave so he can spend some time with you and break up the time between now and xmas

To all the posters making judgy "selfish" comments I'd just point out:

• this isn't a normal time by any stretch of the imagination
• being an isolated FTM is hard under any circumstances
• there's a huge rise in suicide rates in the UK and globally
• think before you type and for god's sake, if you can't be kind, shut up!

OP I feel for you, I really do. But if I had held down the fort and worked all through a pandemic to provide well for my family only for them to leave and be free of this, leaving me in a different country to my child, who would be on the other side of the world for months, I would be so devastated. You cannot take his child away for that long.

I can really really sympathise with your situation. We moved from the UK to another country when ds was small. I left my job and became a sahm for his early years and my mental health took a hit big time. I did go back to uk quite a lot, and in your situation, I would go back for three months, no longer, because it all seems too permanent otherwise. Go in January so you can look forward to it up to Christmas, then DH is not alone for Xmas. Then come back and look for a job, any job. It does help, I promise.