AIBU to feel overwhelmed by this? What do i do? Boyfriend pressuring abortion

[nutellacrumpet8991]

This is a very tricky situation and i feel overwhelmed. It is not a case of being irresponsible, just stupid. I had a stomach bug last month and did not cross our minds that that would make the pill ineffective. I’ve been on the pill for years and this never happened.

I just found out i am about 6 weeks pregnant according to the date of my last period. I am 22, my boyfriend is 24. If we keep the baby we’ll be 23 and 25 when the baby arrives.
We’ve only been together for 6 months. Been living together for 4 months. Our relationship seem very stable, we both see it as something serious that will hopefully lead to marriage and kids(later).

We both work full time and together make around 40k a year before tax. So not a lot of money but not poor either.

When i showed him the many positive tests his first reaction was excitement and happiness. He started making future plans. Like we’ll move into his parents empty house so we don’t need to pay rent, his retired parents will be more than happy to babysit once maternity leave is over so we don’t need to pay for daycare, he will trade in his very expensive car for a cheaper one, so pretty responsible reaction.

I had no initial reaction because i was in shock. I just felt and still feel fear.

However he changed his opinion very fast. He told me he’s made his decision and that is abortion. He said it’s the smart thing to do and he does not want to give up his life for a baby.

I agree it is the smart thing to do and i am pro choice. Before this happened to me i always thought that if it happened i would choose abortion. But now that it actually happened it is not that easy. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what, but i feel a weird sense of attachment towards the thing growing in my stomach. Also strong feelings of guilt and ‘what ifs’. I don’t know if i can go through with abortion. I know i will regret it all my life and it will haunt me. If i abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend.

Whatever decision i make i feel like i can’t win. If i keep the baby i feel guilty for forcing him to have a baby he doesn’t want. If i abort i will feel guilty for killing my baby and will always wonder what could have been and i know i will resent my boyfriend.

He says he is scared that his life is not in his hands anymore because i have the ultimate say. He says he is scared he will grow feelings of resent towards me and the baby. He keeps repeating that he made his choice and that is pressuring me.

I don’t want to be a single mum and i told him that if i decide to keep it he can leave. He says no, he will need to be part. But words are words and i don’t want to be a single mum. I doubt he would walk away because he’s been broody ever since we met, always talking about kids and how he can’t wait to be a dad one day. He even had his names chosen. This was before the accident though.

I feel overwhelmed. I really don’t think i can go through with an abortion. I don’t know what to do. I am terrified. I already resent my boyfriend because i feel it is so easy for him to just say he’s made his decision because he is not the one who is suffering the consequences of having to do something he does not want to do.

Hi OP. A very tough decision for you. I would say that if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy you should factor in how you'd cope as a single mum, as it sounds like you won't be able to rely on your boyfriend. Having a baby is very, very tough. Even more so when you're doing it solo. Ultimately though it's your decision and if you feel strongly that you don't want to have an abortion then don't let him pressure you.

I don't think you should have the abortion. Like you say it'll play on your mind for the rest of your life. What if this guy doesn't stick around if you do have the abortion? I bet he's promising you the world but I'd be wary.
Do you really want to be with someone who is trying to control your body? Bit of a red flag tbh.

Single mum's find ways to make it work. Life will certainly be different and probably difficult but the alternative seems like it'll be full of regret.

On the other hand adoption could be another option. Obviously that's a major decision too and one that not a lot of people choose but maybe the father would feel more comfortable with that?

Really sorry you’re in this situation. But it is your choice, yours alone, and you don’t owe it to him to abort your child. Do what you want to do.

He can make his decision all he likes, ultimately its not his decision to make.

It is of course your decision. I think if you continue there is a very strong possibility that you will end up a single parent at some point so you need to factor that into your decision making process.

It's a really tough situation to be in at any age but you are very young and in a new relationship. It's your choice though, your boyfriend has made his opinion clear and but you will be the one who has to either carry and care for the baby or have the termination. Whatever happens now your relationship with your partner is changed so dont base your decision on that. Make your decision based on you and then see what that does to your relationship, if he's started the emotional blackmail already there is absolutely no point basing any decision on him.
Children are fabulous but your life will change beyond anything you can imagine. Good luck

If you have it, assume you'll be a single mother. It's a 6 month relationship. Statistically the odds of one lasting the the 18 years necessary to raise a child are low, add an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy and the chances are vanishing.

He will have some minimal legal obligations towards you. Know what they are and don't expect more than that. Determine whether you can deal with the sort of life that could lead to and go from there.

He doesn’t get to make a “choice”. He gets to have an opinion, and he has voiced that, but ultimately it is your body and your decision, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do. He absolutely is wrong to be pressuring you. Don’t have an abortion if you’d regret it.

I wonder if his parents or someone spoke to him and changed his mind?

Honestly, I have no idea why people trot out the adoption could be an option line when someone has said they couldn't go through with an abortion because they feel to attached to the "baby" already. If someone can't have an abortion, what on earth make anyone think they will be able to get through pregnancy, scans, giving birth and then hand over a living breathing child to someone else 🙄

Agree with others here that when making this decision, you will have to do it on the basis that there is a high likelihood you will be doing it alone which I'm sure you could do but it will be hard work. If you're already feeling a way that you will regret having an abortion, I think you probably shouldn't do it. But it is all your choice

‘If I abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend’

That alone says it all really. Ring Marie stopes and speak to a counsellor about it. I was pressured by family to abort my 2nd and after counselling I decided to go ahead. You need time to think for yourself. With everyone giving me their opinion it confused me more. A few days without them in my head I felt clearer and knew actually I wanted this. I’m a single mum and it isn’t that bad, I actually prefer it lol but that’s me.
If you have support from friends and family you won’t be alone and it will be easier.
Do the counselling with Marie stopes it will help you.

It’s a really tough decision to make but make sure you do what you want. I’m sorry but I feel him telling you that he will resent you and baby is slightly manipulative as he’s trying to get you to do what HE wants and I don’t think that’s right xx

When I say “I decided to go ahead” I meant I decided to keep my 2nd baby. Just to be clear

He's decided whether wants now it's your turn. If you want to keep the pregnancy then he may come round in some way or he may be out the door, so best to decide based on the latter.

I think you may need to consider that whatever you decide, you may end up alone. Is your relationship likely to stand the test of time with a man who made you get an abortion you didn’t want? And will he stick around to father a child he didn’t want? Neither of you are wrong in your thinking provided he knows he can’t force you into an abortion but the viewpoints might not be compatible.

What I will say, is that DH had a brief freak out when I was first pregnant with (unplanned) DS. We were 25 and 28, engaged, and owned our home so in a fairly good position and he still completely lost it for a couple of days and was tbh a complete arsehole about the whole thing. Despite this, he is a wonderful father, we have a great relationship, and baby number two is due very soon!

Your body, your choice. However, from the sound of things, you are pretty likely to end up as a single parent, which is not easy (I speak from experience).

It's your choice ultimately.
Take some time without being told what to think or feel by your boyfriend.
It's unfortunate timing, but you can't change where you're at right now.
His blowing hot and cold on this cannot have been very helpful. I don't think you can expect any consistency from him as it seems his head is all over the place.
Decide what is best for you.

Hi @nutellacrumpet8991 in sorry that you are in this position but your boyfriend doesn't get a say in this. His saying that he has made a decision and trying to force it on you is abusive.
It sounds like you want this baby (I could be wrong) if you do have an abortion because he wants it rather than because YOU feel its the right thing for YOU, it will destroy your relationship and YOU will be left with all the guilt.
The only advice that I can give you is to do what you feel is right for you not him or anyone else as you have to live with that choice for the rest of your life.
He can walk away from either decision you make with minimal consequences to his life, please don't let him bully you into a decision that you will regret because its not what you want.

I would remove him from your decision making. Could you be a single mum, do you have a support network, could you carry on working? Whatever happens with your relationship, he will have to pay maintenance if you go ahead with the pregnancy.
If you abort would you still want to be with a man who pushed you into an abortion?
Being a single mother at 22 though rewarding, is not easy. Would you cope with the loss of freedom?
It is a hard decision, take your time making it. Do you have someone to talk your options through with?

From what you've said, it doesn't sound as though he's pressuring you at all....

that being said he obviously will have a lot easier decision in his own mind as he will see all of the advantages - financial, practical etc of you having a termination, but will not have to personally deal with the immediate physical fallout, or the longterm psychological consequences.

The best you can do is to tell him how you are feeling, discuss how this decision will impact you, and your relationship with him, probably forever.

My gut feeling from what you've said is that he's bouncing between emotions, the initial response hopefully would be telling, excitement, planning and optimism, followed by reality and practicalities. I think you should just explain that how you feel and the long-term consequences will also have long-term real consequences that will have do be dealt with, especially if you decide to remain together.

Your BF sounds very immature/childish! Choosing baby names when you have only been together a couple of months, declaring his retired parents will provide daycare 🙄 etc.

BlueRose18 has given some great advice. You need to speak with a non judgmental, independent counsellor and THEN decide for yourself.

Regardless of you being on the pill for years, no birth control (besides abstinence) is 100% so there are risks every time you choose to have sex which he should have known.

It sounds as if you've already made up your mind and like you say, you could end up resenting your boyfriend for the remainder of your relationship to him.

You do ultimately get the final decision. If you do decide to keep your baby, be prepared for him having no involvement as he has made it clear how he feels at this moment.

I think you should make your decision based on assuming you will not be together in a years time. Relationships that aren't solid and united don't survive abortions. I know mine didn't. And we were on very firm footing before but it just ate away at us. I don't regret my abortion but it was my decision not his.
If you have an abortion because you feel pressured into it the relationship won't survive.
It might survive keeping the baby if he changes his own mind (not you changing it for him) but you should assume you will not be in a relationship with him. Can you talk to someone in RL? Your mum? An older sister?
Its such a tough decision and I really feel for you xxx

@pawsies

I don't think you should have the abortion. Like you say it'll play on your mind for the rest of your life. What if this guy doesn't stick around if you do have the abortion? I bet he's promising you the world but I'd be wary. Do you really want to be with someone who is trying to control your body? Bit of a red flag tbh.

Single mum's find ways to make it work. Life will certainly be different and probably difficult but the alternative seems like it'll be full of regret.

On the other hand adoption could be another option. Obviously that's a major decision too and one that not a lot of people choose but maybe the father would feel more comfortable with that?

Can I borrow your crystal ball please?