AIBU to feel overwhelmed by this? What do i do? Boyfriend pressuring abortion

[nutellacrumpet8991]

This is a very tricky situation and i feel overwhelmed. It is not a case of being irresponsible, just stupid. I had a stomach bug last month and did not cross our minds that that would make the pill ineffective. I’ve been on the pill for years and this never happened.

I just found out i am about 6 weeks pregnant according to the date of my last period. I am 22, my boyfriend is 24. If we keep the baby we’ll be 23 and 25 when the baby arrives.
We’ve only been together for 6 months. Been living together for 4 months. Our relationship seem very stable, we both see it as something serious that will hopefully lead to marriage and kids(later).

We both work full time and together make around 40k a year before tax. So not a lot of money but not poor either.

When i showed him the many positive tests his first reaction was excitement and happiness. He started making future plans. Like we’ll move into his parents empty house so we don’t need to pay rent, his retired parents will be more than happy to babysit once maternity leave is over so we don’t need to pay for daycare, he will trade in his very expensive car for a cheaper one, so pretty responsible reaction.

I had no initial reaction because i was in shock. I just felt and still feel fear.

However he changed his opinion very fast. He told me he’s made his decision and that is abortion. He said it’s the smart thing to do and he does not want to give up his life for a baby.

I agree it is the smart thing to do and i am pro choice. Before this happened to me i always thought that if it happened i would choose abortion. But now that it actually happened it is not that easy. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what, but i feel a weird sense of attachment towards the thing growing in my stomach. Also strong feelings of guilt and ‘what ifs’. I don’t know if i can go through with abortion. I know i will regret it all my life and it will haunt me. If i abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend.

Whatever decision i make i feel like i can’t win. If i keep the baby i feel guilty for forcing him to have a baby he doesn’t want. If i abort i will feel guilty for killing my baby and will always wonder what could have been and i know i will resent my boyfriend.

He says he is scared that his life is not in his hands anymore because i have the ultimate say. He says he is scared he will grow feelings of resent towards me and the baby. He keeps repeating that he made his choice and that is pressuring me.

I don’t want to be a single mum and i told him that if i decide to keep it he can leave. He says no, he will need to be part. But words are words and i don’t want to be a single mum. I doubt he would walk away because he’s been broody ever since we met, always talking about kids and how he can’t wait to be a dad one day. He even had his names chosen. This was before the accident though.

I feel overwhelmed. I really don’t think i can go through with an abortion. I don’t know what to do. I am terrified. I already resent my boyfriend because i feel it is so easy for him to just say he’s made his decision because he is not the one who is suffering the consequences of having to do something he does not want to do.

Also why are folks focusing on him and him alone. She’s trying to work out whether to keep her baby or not. Dumping this twat is secondary.

So he wants you to have an abortion but equally, if you don't, he won't let you take "his" child away? Bollocks to that. Honestly, I'd be dumping this piece of shit and taking some time alone to decide what to do about the pregnancy. It must be hard to think straight with that level of wankery being thrown at you from your boyfriend.

OMG - makes me livid! He has no say over 1)what you do with your body 2)where you live or 3)whether he lives with you!!!

He sounds manipulative, controlling and clearly can't see (or doesn't care about) your struggle. You're lucky you've seen this now. Goes to show that 6 months is way to soon to be committed, or considering a child, you barely know each other.

Run for the hills.

@nutellacrumpet8991

I had a long talk with him yesterday. He said that if i decide to keep it we will live together because there's no way he is allowing me to take his baby and there is no way he will live apart from his child BUT that he will probably resent me so we won't be a couple. That would never work in my opinion.

He doesn't get to dictate terms to you.

If you do go ahead make sure you live separately from that point on, and do not put him on the BC.

But frankly that response is a massive, massive red flag. He's really revealed himself as an extremely nasty piece of work, and you have to have a really serious think about whether you want to tie yourself to such a controlling piece of shit for the next 18 years.

I get the impression that you really want this pregnancy to continue, but it may not be in your best interests.

he sounds awful you wont be a couple but will have to live together?

how does that work

@nutellacrumpet8991

I had a long talk with him yesterday. He said that if i decide to keep it we will live together because there's no way he is allowing me to take his baby and there is no way he will live apart from his child BUT that he will probably resent me so we won't be a couple. That would never work in my opinion.

OP he is manipulating you and showing you his true colours. he's controlling. You need to ditch him whether you keep the baby or not. Bare in mind if you keep the baby you will have to deal with him one way or another unless by choice he completely removes himself out of the picture but I'm not sure he'll do that. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this situation. I hope you do what you feel is right for YOU.

I don't want to encourage an abortion or encourage you to keep it especially with a man like that so I will keep it neutral. I just really hope you put yourself first.

I highly recommend the counselling with Marie Stopes and tell them everything he has said as well. be very open to them about how you feel etc.

Wishing you the best OP, take care and good luck xx

I regret my abortion every day and mine was for medical reasons!

@nutellacrumpet8991 If you'd like to talk about the abortion process or just about how you're feeling, please feel free to pm me. I'm happy to tell you about my experience

This guy needs to go.

He sounded increibly controlling before this - he has HIS names picked out (!), you will have childcare from HIS retired parents so you will go back to work and you will live in THEIR house - wow he really likes to have his hands on the reins of your life doesn't he.

Now he is sounding really quite unpleasantly controlling. You won't take 'his' baby away? He will punish you for your decision by spurning you as a partner - but he will also have his cake and eat it by making sure he is in the home, ruling the roost, because this baby is HIS?

I have to say it - yes, I would absolutely have a termination.

If you keep this baby this guy will do his damndest to control you, and the baby, for the next 18+ years. And you will have no say over whether he is in your life or not.

You have only known him 6 months and the red flags are already flying - who the hell six months in is informing you he's chosen the names of the children you'll have together?

I really don't think the big question here is the baby, in some ways.

I am far more concerned that you're beginning to see the true colours of a man you have only known for six months and they are not good. And the context of that knowledge is the dawning realisation that you're about to be tied to him for life and he's already trying to lay down the law.

Six months. You DON'T KNOW SOMEONE in six months.

Everyone has had that relationship where six months in it's perfection then a year later you're thinking 'Omg that nutjob - I can't believe we were ever together'.

Here is your first view of nutjob.

A good man wouldn't be pressurising you either way.
A good, non-controlling man wouldn't be jumping up nad down telling you HE'S made his decision on your pregnancy.
A good man would never have said what he just did about how things will be arranged aka 'Controlville' (!!)

My advice to you 100% would be to terminate and dump this man.

He is not good news.

@Cantbreathe2020

I regret my abortion every day and mine was for medical reasons!

That kind of takes the choice out of it...it's closer to a miscarriage in terms of psychological impact. I'm very sorry for your loss.

@FizzyGreenWater

This guy needs to go.

He sounded increibly controlling before this - he has HIS names picked out (!), you will have childcare from HIS retired parents so you will go back to work and you will live in THEIR house - wow he really likes to have his hands on the reins of your life doesn't he.

Now he is sounding really quite unpleasantly controlling. You won't take 'his' baby away? He will punish you for your decision by spurning you as a partner - but he will also have his cake and eat it by making sure he is in the home, ruling the roost, because this baby is HIS?

I have to say it - yes, I would absolutely have a termination.

If you keep this baby this guy will do his damndest to control you, and the baby, for the next 18+ years. And you will have no say over whether he is in your life or not.

You have only known him 6 months and the red flags are already flying - who the hell six months in is informing you he's chosen the names of the children you'll have together?

I really don't think the big question here is the baby, in some ways.

I am far more concerned that you're beginning to see the true colours of a man you have only known for six months and they are not good. And the context of that knowledge is the dawning realisation that you're about to be tied to him for life and he's already trying to lay down the law.

Six months. You DON'T KNOW SOMEONE in six months.

Everyone has had that relationship where six months in it's perfection then a year later you're thinking 'Omg that nutjob - I can't believe we were ever together'.

Here is your first view of nutjob.

A good man wouldn't be pressurising you either way.
A good, non-controlling man wouldn't be jumping up nad down telling you HE'S made his decision on your pregnancy.
A good man would never have said what he just did about how things will be arranged aka 'Controlville' (!!)

My advice to you 100% would be to terminate and dump this man.

He is not good news.

How dare you TELL somebody to have a termination?!

Especially someone who has already made it clear she doesn't want to

Shame on you

You haven't been together long a baby can fracture even the strongest of relationships. He doesnt want to continue the pregnancy if you do that's fine but be prepared to single parent.

His reply is all about him. This isn't about him. This is about you. He can't tell you that you will live together, you choose. He says he will resent you, he is trying to control you. He is saying get rid or I'll hate you and we won't be together. If you keep the baby you will be a single mum. And that's okay. You will cope. If you decide to end the pregnancy, he is still a bad man. That won't change. You have been together 6 months, through a pandemic. Not Normal life. Please walk away. There are good men out there. This is not one. Make your decision for you. Not based on his actions

All your responses are about him and what he wants/says. Forget that, this is your choice not his. The fact that he is making this about him shows how selfish and immature he is. He might resent you? what about if you have an abortion? he expects you to just get over it without resenting him?
Is there anyone you can speak to in real life?

Can't breathe sorry for your loss

But you can't project your perfectly understandable feelings of immense loss at a much wanted pregnancy onto all women's choices. Some women regret abortions, some don't give a second thought, some have very mixed feelings after the event (as most of us do about life's really hard choices - very few of us look back on our pasts withou a few "what ifs" and "if onlys".)

My gut instinct is OP really wants to continue with the pregnancy and all other things being equal I'd encourage her in that.

But her last post about her BF's crazy reaction has really chilled me. I would be very wary of tying myself and a future child to a man that controlling. It would be a huge factor for me were I to be in that position and I think it's only fair for OP to take the time to think this through.

Please don't try to turn this into an anti abortion campaign. I think all of us are pro choice - OPs right to make the best choice for herself after consideration of all her circumstances, including the recent and unpleasant discovery about her BFs controlling instincts.

Cantbreathe2020 you quoted my post so hopefully you're able to read it too - you can see quite clearly that my ADVICE is just that - advice.

The only person literally trying to force or tell the OP to terminate is the extremely unpleasant man she's potentially tying herself to for life.

I am very sorry for your loss. But. It is not the same situation as this. And it does not change my stance from utterly, utterly pro-choice, for exactly these reasons.

I thinkthe best advice people can give the OP right now is to shine that light directly on the behaviour of the man she's known for no time at all, and ask her to really carefully consider what the best thing to do is, factoring in whether she wants to tie not only herself but also a child to someone potentially highly abusive and controlling.

These kind of situations happen every day, they’re quite common so you’re not alone OP. I don’t think many relationships would survive this though, if you keep the baby there’s a chance he may resent you and the relationship will break down. If you have an abortion, you may regret it and resent him. Either way, somebody will probably end up feeling hard done by.

If I were you I’d completely remove him from the situation. Imagine you’re going to be a single mum, is that something you can live and cope with? If that feels better to you than aborting, choose that.

@CaraDuneRedux

Can't breathe sorry for your loss

But you can't project your perfectly understandable feelings of immense loss at a much wanted pregnancy onto all women's choices. Some women regret abortions, some don't give a second thought, some have very mixed feelings after the event (as most of us do about life's really hard choices - very few of us look back on our pasts withou a few "what ifs" and "if onlys".)

My gut instinct is OP really wants to continue with the pregnancy and all other things being equal I'd encourage her in that.

But her last post about her BF's crazy reaction has really chilled me. I would be very wary of tying myself and a future child to a man that controlling. It would be a huge factor for me were I to be in that position and I think it's only fair for OP to take the time to think this through.

Please don't try to turn this into an anti abortion campaign. I think all of us are pro choice - OPs right to make the best choice for herself after consideration of all her circumstances, including the recent and unpleasant discovery about her BFs controlling instincts.

I'm not projecting anything. I merely stated fact. My fact.

I'm letting op know that regret is real and it remains forever. Her choice is her choice. It is clear she doesn't want an abortion however. I think it's pretty sick that some people on here are trying to convince her to make a decision to terminate, against what she wishes to do.
Ultimately, if op decides to terminate, she must be 1000000% certain of her decision.

She isn't

@FizzyGreenWater

Cantbreathe2020 you quoted my post so hopefully you're able to read it too - you can see quite clearly that my ADVICE is just that - advice.

The only person literally trying to force or tell the OP to terminate is the extremely unpleasant man she's potentially tying herself to for life.

I am very sorry for your loss. But. It is not the same situation as this. And it does not change my stance from utterly, utterly pro-choice, for exactly these reasons.

No I didn't read it all. I saw quite enough of it.

As stated above, I bel8eve op must be 10000% certain in order to terminate and she clearly isn't. It's pretty sick to advise her to terminate when she clearly isn't certain. We should give measured, balanced advice re: either option. Allowing op to decide with zero pressure

Wow. Chuck him out now. Right now.

I wouldn’t want to be tied to an arsehole like that for the next eighteen years, personally. You have all the time in the world to meet someone who will treat you properly and have children with him, at a time in the future that’s right for you.

This guy is going to be endless heartache and bully boy tactics. Parenting is hard enough when you are both on the same page!

But obviously at the end of the day it’s up to you, and if you want to go ahead with this baby then you need to be very robust at protecting yourself from his arseholery. You are in charge here, so you need to take control.

I bel8eve op must be 10000% certain in order to terminate

I think that’s a bit unfair. A lot of people in unwanted pregnancy situations are conflicted about what to do for the best. Telling them they MUST be certain either way is unhelpful.

@FizzyGreenWater

I thinkthe best advice people can give the OP right now is to shine that light directly on the behaviour of the man she's known for no time at all, and ask her to really carefully consider what the best thing to do is, factoring in whether she wants to tie not only herself but also a child to someone potentially highly abusive and controlling.

Regrettably I think this is very good advice. Your update is worrying OP. Whilst it's perfectly understandable that you are both under a lot of pressure right now, what your boyfriend is saying is horrible and controlling. Regardless of your decision about the pregnancy, I think you would be best off out of this relationship. His colours are showing and they're not good. Do you have anyone in rl to talk to right now? Your parents perhaps?

He is entitled to an opinion, but the choice is yours and yours alone to make. I'm wondering if his parents aren't influencing him here actually.
Don't get pressured - it's your body not his.

No he ultimately doesn't get a choice but... do you want to be tied to him for 18 years? Do you want to put your life on hold to raise a child (even if together)?

You are young, you have only been together 6 months, are you ready to be a mother?

I was in your position, I aborted, we married 3 years later. Do I ever think about that child? I would be lying to say never but I can also think about those 3 years of fun we had that wouldn't have been possible with a child. We went on to have 2 more children. Try and look at all the different angles, it's not an easy decision but think what is best for your life long term.