AIBU to feel overwhelmed by this? What do i do? Boyfriend pressuring abortion

[nutellacrumpet8991]

This is a very tricky situation and i feel overwhelmed. It is not a case of being irresponsible, just stupid. I had a stomach bug last month and did not cross our minds that that would make the pill ineffective. I’ve been on the pill for years and this never happened.

I just found out i am about 6 weeks pregnant according to the date of my last period. I am 22, my boyfriend is 24. If we keep the baby we’ll be 23 and 25 when the baby arrives.
We’ve only been together for 6 months. Been living together for 4 months. Our relationship seem very stable, we both see it as something serious that will hopefully lead to marriage and kids(later).

We both work full time and together make around 40k a year before tax. So not a lot of money but not poor either.

When i showed him the many positive tests his first reaction was excitement and happiness. He started making future plans. Like we’ll move into his parents empty house so we don’t need to pay rent, his retired parents will be more than happy to babysit once maternity leave is over so we don’t need to pay for daycare, he will trade in his very expensive car for a cheaper one, so pretty responsible reaction.

I had no initial reaction because i was in shock. I just felt and still feel fear.

However he changed his opinion very fast. He told me he’s made his decision and that is abortion. He said it’s the smart thing to do and he does not want to give up his life for a baby.

I agree it is the smart thing to do and i am pro choice. Before this happened to me i always thought that if it happened i would choose abortion. But now that it actually happened it is not that easy. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what, but i feel a weird sense of attachment towards the thing growing in my stomach. Also strong feelings of guilt and ‘what ifs’. I don’t know if i can go through with abortion. I know i will regret it all my life and it will haunt me. If i abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend.

Whatever decision i make i feel like i can’t win. If i keep the baby i feel guilty for forcing him to have a baby he doesn’t want. If i abort i will feel guilty for killing my baby and will always wonder what could have been and i know i will resent my boyfriend.

He says he is scared that his life is not in his hands anymore because i have the ultimate say. He says he is scared he will grow feelings of resent towards me and the baby. He keeps repeating that he made his choice and that is pressuring me.

I don’t want to be a single mum and i told him that if i decide to keep it he can leave. He says no, he will need to be part. But words are words and i don’t want to be a single mum. I doubt he would walk away because he’s been broody ever since we met, always talking about kids and how he can’t wait to be a dad one day. He even had his names chosen. This was before the accident though.

I feel overwhelmed. I really don’t think i can go through with an abortion. I don’t know what to do. I am terrified. I already resent my boyfriend because i feel it is so easy for him to just say he’s made his decision because he is not the one who is suffering the consequences of having to do something he does not want to do.

You poor thing - what an awful situation,.

Whatever choice you make about your future and your body, your boyfriend has revealed a very nasty bullying side. I hope you have plenty of good friends and family to support you.

FWIW, most of the women I know who had terminations didn't regret it. You're very young and you've plenty of time.

He’s trying to blackmail you to have an abortion. You don’t want one and his attitude now has pretty much ruined the relationship anyway. Even if you have the abortion you’ll never ever look at him the same.
Have the baby and leave him, he can’t keep you there.

Op - your relationship is over.

You can not build a life with a man who a) tries to make you have an abortion and b)decides to tell you how you will live while not being a couple.

You need to get away from him now. Assume you are renting? Can you get out of the tenancy?

Get some time away from him. Then decide if you do or do not want to keep this baby, but be aware this man is not a suitable person to live with.

Write down the things he's saying in a notebook. Date them. Photograph the pages as you go in case they are found and destroyed.

This will do two things: remind you what a nasty piece of work he is if he ever tries to win you back; provide evidence to use in court if you decide to have the baby and he ever tries to make himself out to be a willing father and all-round good guy.

Some people are just sub par human beings but you only find it out when they are put to the test.

I had a stomach bug last month and did not cross our minds that that would make the pill ineffective

I do find it hard to think that people don't realise this about the pill
Do Drs not say-are leaflets not read-about something so important?

Exactly! I was on the pill for years and I knew that having an upset stomach - either vomiting or diarrhoea - or taking antibiotics interfered with the metabolism of the Pill and could render it ineffective, and that it’s advised to take other precautions for 14(?) days. I get so cross when people don’t take potentially bringing a baby into the world, probably the most important decision they’ll ever make, a bit more seriously and use contraception properly 🙄

OP whatever your head and heart are saying about whether to abort or not, just remember that if you keep the baby you are forever tied to this man whether you like it or not. Looking back at my life I am so glad I never ended up in your position with any of my exes as, in hindsight they weren’t good men. At least when we split up I never had to talk to the wankers again, but if you split up with him, which is very likely I’m afraid, then you will have to whatever your feelings towards him.

OP, this man is showing his true colours.
Do you have a friend or relative you can talk this through with, and possibly stay with for a few days to give you space and time to think?
From your original post there were some very telling bits for me that seem to say you want to keep your baby. You admitted you'd be having an abortion "mostly for him" and said you'd feel "you'd killed your baby".

No one here can make your choice. But the important thing to remember is that includes your BF.
If you want to keep your baby you need to start making plans. He cannot make these kinds of demands and be taken seriously.
If you choose to keep and raise your child then it will be up to you whether or not he is even on the birth certificate, much more whether you seem him safe to be around your child. I am a very strong believer in not taking a baby from it's dad, but you need to know the ball is very much in your court and there is no way he can really carry out these threats if you get the support you need and fight back.
If you WANT your baby then DO NOT allow ANYBODY to tell you to abort.
When you have come to a decision on that you can inform the father. Either way your relationship is over and you surely know that.
You cannot stay with a man who would try and force an abortion, and threaten that if you dont do as he says then he will keep you living with him but separated because of what he "won't" "allow" you to do.
As for whether you feel ready to be a single mother all I can say is it is completely possible if you want it enough. If you want your baby you can find a way. People do it every day. It is amazing what you can achieve when it comes to your children.
Your body. Your baby. Your life. His choice will be whether or not to prove he is for to have access to his child.

@FizzyGreenWater

Your bf cannot force you to have an abortion, put his name on the bc, live with him

No, but he can take her to court to get his name added to the bc, get parental responsiblity and then contact, eventually overnight contact and depending on how controlling and persistent he is, take her to court for anything up to 50-50 shared residency. Then choose to make her life hell for the next 18 years, and more.

I feel quite passionately about this because a friend has been in the same position, more or less. Does she regret having her child? Yes. She does. It's obviously a complete headfuck as she loves her child immensely, but if she could go back in time and not be in the position she was - she would.

Her nutjob was similar, utterly controlling, similar situation as in got pregnant before really knowing him. He talked her out of a termination, left anyway, then used his family's money to take her through court numerous times. Child was of course palmed off with his family or whatever girlfriend he had at the time, but so far the last ten years have been a constant battle - if there's something he can make difficult for her, he does.

She is hoping that her child won't want to see him once in teen years.

He and the situation have quite honestly ruined her life.

It could have been very different.

I would run and make sure he never find me lol.

I think it is sad men use children as leverage to make a woman feel threatened. I would keep a record of everything including he wanted abortion prove he does not have the child in his best interest. Just wanted to punish the mom

@nutellacrumpet8991

I had a long talk with him yesterday. He said that if i decide to keep it we will live together because there's no way he is allowing me to take his baby and there is no way he will live apart from his child BUT that he will probably resent me so we won't be a couple. That would never work in my opinion.

He's terribly good at telling you what to do isn't he? I can't imagine you want to share a home and live like this. He seems to be used to calling the shots and is having a problem understanding that YOU hold all the cards here OP.

I would disengage for a bit. If you decide to go ahead tell him you will be deciding where you live and with whom, and it bloody well won't be with him. You will arrange access and he can pay.

Total Wankbadger!

@nutellacrumpet8991

I had a long talk with him yesterday. He said that if i decide to keep it we will live together because there's no way he is allowing me to take his baby and there is no way he will live apart from his child BUT that he will probably resent me so we won't be a couple. That would never work in my opinion.

That’s blackmail and very manipulative.

He may not realise he’s doing it. But he is.

Go get counselling for you, and then suggest he comes too if need be.

We talked so much about this. He apologised and said he doesn't mean to be a dickhead about this he just doesn't know how to deal with it because he is terrified and it's something he never had to deal with before.

We went to the AE yesterday because i had bad cramps and felt like i was going to have a heart attack but it was just really bad anxiety. He stayed with me and his attitude was way better. He also said he's afraid he'll lose me.

I told him i hated what he said about living together even if we're not a couple, he said he didn't mean it like that. He said that his biggest fear is him growing to resent me but he doesn't know if that will actually happen. But he said that if we keep the baby he wants to be with his child 24/7 because he doesn't want to be a shitty person who runs from responsibility. He said he knows he will be a dickhead about it and just say 'well tough, i am not staying away from my child'.

We're just going round in circles really.

@nutellacrumpet8991 Whatever you decide about this baby, you should run a mile from this man. He sounds so intense, controlling, possessive and manipulative

He definitely sounds immature but to be honest, I would say a lot of what he’s saying at the minute is out of fear, and anxiety rather than how he actually feels.

Not that I am excusing the controlling things he has said, because I am definitely not, but perhaps what you need to do is tell him your decision, and then take some space and attempt to talk again.

Pushing for abortion and stating he will be there 24/7 sounds like warning signs to me - i get not wanting to be a bad parent but like "his way all the way". Maybe he is feeling powerless and out of control of situation as realistically has no say about this pregnancy but seems overpowering and domineering. I would get out fast tp get some breathing space and to protect yourself.

We're just going round in circles really.

I don’t think you are. You’ve been open and honest and vulnerable with each other.

It’s natural he is frightened. Keep talking.

I was in this almost exact position

My ex tried desperately to make me abort a child. I felt something though. Didn't want to abort. I was much younger though

We went and saw an abortion specialist. She said to him

'You have an opinion. But you don't have w choice'.

He went bananas. I'll always remember it. He broke up with me. Oh. It was awful. I know now though that I knew that I couldn't of had an abortion.

It ended up being ectopic and nearly killing me. But that's another post.

I'm here if you need a friendly ear

I'm sorry to say but he sounds like a dick, he feels he doesn't have control (which he doesn't) and he's not liking it one little bit.

Now it's all "I'VE decided" and "I WILL be living with you" in what frankly is a pathetic attempt in getting some power back. It's not all about him anymore, well boo hoo.

Agree with previous posters, I would say ditch him because that anxiety you're getting - he is not helping. Unfortunately it's more than likely over, either he resents you or you resent him and that's no relationship. Move out, somewhere he doesn't have his name on so he can't force his way in. Have space to think about what YOU want and go from there.

It’s no ones decision but yours, although your boyfriends wishes should be taken into consideration, but that stops with you as you are the one to decide. A big thing like this takes time, and you have plenty, don’t rush and make sure your doing what you want to do. If you don’t know what you want to do that’s fine, give yourself more time.

Right. You are the one who is pregnant, so the decision is yours alone. You are young so this isn't a 'last chance' at pregnancy (as far as we can tell). You and he haven't been together long (two months is soon to move in together). He is being a bastard.

My feeling is 'Don't tie yourself to him, whether you have the baby or not.'

He said he knows he will be a dickhead about it and just say 'well tough, i am not staying away from my child'.

He is TELLING you that he is absuive and controlling and that if you have 'his' baby, he will forcibly take charge of the situation no matter what you want.

I can't advise you to get away from him enough. Also PLEASE think about whether you want to tie yourself to a man like this, and have your child with a father like this. It is potentially life ruining.

He can't control whether you terminate or not, so if you don't, he will exert control in every other possible way. While resenting and blaming you.

He is weaponising everything in the situation.

@FizzyGreenWater

He said he knows he will be a dickhead about it and just say 'well tough, i am not staying away from my child'.

He is TELLING you that he is absuive and controlling and that if you have 'his' baby, he will forcibly take charge of the situation no matter what you want.

I can't advise you to get away from him enough. Also PLEASE think about whether you want to tie yourself to a man like this, and have your child with a father like this. It is potentially life ruining.

Yes! He is telling you exactly who he is, believe him.

Op - can you go spend this weekend with family/friends and get away from him for a bit to do somethinking.

You do need to factor in his reaction is a massive issue. This is not a man you can rely on, so do make any decisions based on the principle you are unlikely to be together in 12 months.

Go spend some time with your family. Tell them whats going on (and his reaction). Get some other perspectives from people who know you both and plan without the pressure of his drama.

He apologised and said he doesn't mean to be a dickhead about this he just doesn't know how to deal with it because he is terrified and it's something he never had to deal with before.

Are you terrified? Yes.
Is this a new situation for you too? Yes.

Have you been an utter cunt to him repeatedly (this is not a one off, he's flip flopped and the only consistency has been telling you what you are going to do and that you have no final say) due to these factors? NO.

Is it you who is going through this physically at the moment? Yes.

We need to stop holding ourselves to a higher standard than men. He has not said something flippantly or in fear once, that's bullshit. He has, since finding out you're pregnant, continually dictated to you what will be happening with the pregnancy and outright told you he won't be listening to what you want.

You would be so, so wrong to stay with this man. It's totally your call (goes without saying) that you should do whatever you want to do about the pregnancy but do not do it to 'keep' him and do not entertain his 'rules' eg him living in the same house but not be a couple if you keep the baby.

He apologised and said he doesn't mean to be a dickhead about this he just doesn't know how to deal with it because he is terrified and it's something he never had to deal with before.

But he has been a dickhead.

As women we are brought up to devote hours and hours of mental energy to wondering why men behave like dickheads. Think what we could do with all those hours and hours if instead we asked the simpler question "Do I want to waste my life being with someone who behaves like a dickhead?"

Remember those favourite sayings of your granny's: "Actions speak louder than words" and "Handsome is as handsome does."

If he's being this much of a dickhead now, think what he'll be like with a colicky baby which cries all night. Or if you get PND (which a substantial number of women, myself included, do).

Still all about him huh 🙄

OP you take care of yourself 🌺