AIBU to feel overwhelmed by this? What do i do? Boyfriend pressuring abortion

[nutellacrumpet8991]

This is a very tricky situation and i feel overwhelmed. It is not a case of being irresponsible, just stupid. I had a stomach bug last month and did not cross our minds that that would make the pill ineffective. I’ve been on the pill for years and this never happened.

I just found out i am about 6 weeks pregnant according to the date of my last period. I am 22, my boyfriend is 24. If we keep the baby we’ll be 23 and 25 when the baby arrives.
We’ve only been together for 6 months. Been living together for 4 months. Our relationship seem very stable, we both see it as something serious that will hopefully lead to marriage and kids(later).

We both work full time and together make around 40k a year before tax. So not a lot of money but not poor either.

When i showed him the many positive tests his first reaction was excitement and happiness. He started making future plans. Like we’ll move into his parents empty house so we don’t need to pay rent, his retired parents will be more than happy to babysit once maternity leave is over so we don’t need to pay for daycare, he will trade in his very expensive car for a cheaper one, so pretty responsible reaction.

I had no initial reaction because i was in shock. I just felt and still feel fear.

However he changed his opinion very fast. He told me he’s made his decision and that is abortion. He said it’s the smart thing to do and he does not want to give up his life for a baby.

I agree it is the smart thing to do and i am pro choice. Before this happened to me i always thought that if it happened i would choose abortion. But now that it actually happened it is not that easy. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what, but i feel a weird sense of attachment towards the thing growing in my stomach. Also strong feelings of guilt and ‘what ifs’. I don’t know if i can go through with abortion. I know i will regret it all my life and it will haunt me. If i abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend.

Whatever decision i make i feel like i can’t win. If i keep the baby i feel guilty for forcing him to have a baby he doesn’t want. If i abort i will feel guilty for killing my baby and will always wonder what could have been and i know i will resent my boyfriend.

He says he is scared that his life is not in his hands anymore because i have the ultimate say. He says he is scared he will grow feelings of resent towards me and the baby. He keeps repeating that he made his choice and that is pressuring me.

I don’t want to be a single mum and i told him that if i decide to keep it he can leave. He says no, he will need to be part. But words are words and i don’t want to be a single mum. I doubt he would walk away because he’s been broody ever since we met, always talking about kids and how he can’t wait to be a dad one day. He even had his names chosen. This was before the accident though.

I feel overwhelmed. I really don’t think i can go through with an abortion. I don’t know what to do. I am terrified. I already resent my boyfriend because i feel it is so easy for him to just say he’s made his decision because he is not the one who is suffering the consequences of having to do something he does not want to do.

We need to stop holding ourselves to a higher standard than men. He has not said something flippantly or in fear once, that's bullshit. He has, since finding out you're pregnant, continually dictated to you what will be happening with the pregnancy and outright told you he won't be listening to what you want.

This. A million times.

He is awful. Leave him fast. Really fast.

He said that his biggest fear is him growing to resent me but he doesn't know if that will actually happen. But he said that if we keep the baby he wants to be with his child 24/7 because he doesn't want to be a shitty person who runs from responsibility. He said he knows he will be a dickhead about it and just say 'well tough, i am not staying away from my child'.

@nutellacrumpet8991, I am so sorry. He basically has just primed you to him becoming at the very least a twat if not abusive. So if you keep the child he WILL stay (says who? As if you didn't have a choice in the atter ) and he WILL be a dickhead (but somehow you should put up with it because he would only be like this so he can be a father).

He is putting it as if he is doing all the right thngs, be there for the child blabla.
In reality he has just showed you that

• he expects things to go his way. At no point has he asked you what you wanted to do or take your wishes into account
• he will be a dickhead/twat/abusive and you are supposed to put up with it 'because he wants to take his responsibilities )
• he will NOT be a good father. A good father supports the mother of his child and is striving to give a good example of what a father and a partner is. He is planning to do none of that.

I can see how this is all of one big struggle. But he has just told you he is going to make your life a miseryt of you keep the baby. Or he is going to make your life a misery of you have an abortion (because you will alwats regret it).
Don't let him dictate what sort of misery you should have.
He can be a father without living with you.
He can be responsible for the child by payiung maintenance (and above the minimum)
He can be a great father by stopping being a dick and imposing his pov because it suits him.
And all the while you can get your life back, with or without a child, and build the life YOU want, the way YOU want it.

Don't let him bully you into doing what he wants and just what he wants.

OP, I know various people who have been in your position -

A had the baby, got married, then divorced, was single parent for a while, now happily married to someone else, who dotes on the child

B had a termination, ended up marrying the father, went on to have more children with him

C decided to go it alone as single parent, ended up getting back with the father some time later

D had a termination, ended the relationship, ended up with someone else

E had the child, married the father, still v happy together

From your posts, it appears that you wish to keep the baby. By modern standards you're quite young to start a family, but not too young. And if you have this baby, then you'll lose some of your freedom now, but will get it back when baby is 18 and you're still only in your early 40's

No one else can tell you what to do. MN can be helpful to get honest views from strangers on the internet, but ultimately, this is your decision to make. I wish you well, whatever you decide

@nutellacrumpet8991 How are you OP? I hope you’re doing ok and have made a decision you feel is best for you. Whatever you’ve decided I wish you all the best

Im a big believer that if you don't instantly think abortion then you shouldnt have one. With my first child, it wasnt planned i had the discussion with his now absent father and it was all excitment. Within a couoke of days he had changed his mind and i felt pressured to have an abortion. I went to the clinic discussed it made the appointment but knew that i wanted my baby. He decided he was on board and whilst he was telling his friends and family it was all great but then at hime he was horrid, he made my pregnancy really miserable. I wish id left him in the beginning but i never did, it took me 18 months.
I was a single parent in a relationship from day one, the night we came out of hospital he went to the pub and it continued like this forever, he had a really poor bond with my son and made my life miserable because he never wanted to be held by him etc.
I have NEVER regretted the choice to keep my baby, hes amazing and for a long time it was just the two of us. Weve been through so much in his little life hes my absolute rock. If you want to keep your baby, end the relationship and start your knew chapter. If hes not on board with having a child your relationship will not work. Your baby will always come first and whilst he wants to have his life it will be you that starts to resent him not him you. And if you aborted your baby when you were not 100% you will always wonder what would have been and resent him for that.

Its a hard decision, but if you feel attached to your baby now just imagine how much love you will have when it arrives. Single parenting isn't as hard as people make out trust me, i did it for 6 years whilst working and i may have missed out on a bit of fun with friends but i wouldnt trade my nights in with my boy for anything.
I had an abortion after i had my son and i knew straight away that was the choice i needed to make and ive never regretted if

Please DO NOT have an abortion if you don’t 100% want one.

If you don’t really want to end it you’ll never forgive yourself and you may regret it forever. You’re not that young and you earn a perfectly good salary.

If he insists that you terminate then he is not a good or kind man. Leave him if needs be, but keep your baby.

I’m pro choice by the way: but it needs to be YOUR choice. You’re the one who’ll live with regret and self recrimination forever if you terminate a pregnancy when you don’t actually want to.