AIBU to feel overwhelmed by this? What do i do? Boyfriend pressuring abortion

[nutellacrumpet8991]

This is a very tricky situation and i feel overwhelmed. It is not a case of being irresponsible, just stupid. I had a stomach bug last month and did not cross our minds that that would make the pill ineffective. I’ve been on the pill for years and this never happened.

I just found out i am about 6 weeks pregnant according to the date of my last period. I am 22, my boyfriend is 24. If we keep the baby we’ll be 23 and 25 when the baby arrives.
We’ve only been together for 6 months. Been living together for 4 months. Our relationship seem very stable, we both see it as something serious that will hopefully lead to marriage and kids(later).

We both work full time and together make around 40k a year before tax. So not a lot of money but not poor either.

When i showed him the many positive tests his first reaction was excitement and happiness. He started making future plans. Like we’ll move into his parents empty house so we don’t need to pay rent, his retired parents will be more than happy to babysit once maternity leave is over so we don’t need to pay for daycare, he will trade in his very expensive car for a cheaper one, so pretty responsible reaction.

I had no initial reaction because i was in shock. I just felt and still feel fear.

However he changed his opinion very fast. He told me he’s made his decision and that is abortion. He said it’s the smart thing to do and he does not want to give up his life for a baby.

I agree it is the smart thing to do and i am pro choice. Before this happened to me i always thought that if it happened i would choose abortion. But now that it actually happened it is not that easy. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what, but i feel a weird sense of attachment towards the thing growing in my stomach. Also strong feelings of guilt and ‘what ifs’. I don’t know if i can go through with abortion. I know i will regret it all my life and it will haunt me. If i abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend.

Whatever decision i make i feel like i can’t win. If i keep the baby i feel guilty for forcing him to have a baby he doesn’t want. If i abort i will feel guilty for killing my baby and will always wonder what could have been and i know i will resent my boyfriend.

He says he is scared that his life is not in his hands anymore because i have the ultimate say. He says he is scared he will grow feelings of resent towards me and the baby. He keeps repeating that he made his choice and that is pressuring me.

I don’t want to be a single mum and i told him that if i decide to keep it he can leave. He says no, he will need to be part. But words are words and i don’t want to be a single mum. I doubt he would walk away because he’s been broody ever since we met, always talking about kids and how he can’t wait to be a dad one day. He even had his names chosen. This was before the accident though.

I feel overwhelmed. I really don’t think i can go through with an abortion. I don’t know what to do. I am terrified. I already resent my boyfriend because i feel it is so easy for him to just say he’s made his decision because he is not the one who is suffering the consequences of having to do something he does not want to do.

Do NOT let the boyfriend make decisions for you on this. Do not let him pressure you. I know it is easier to Have everyone support on this but if you have an abortion under everyone’s pressure, it will make you feel resentful.

You do what you feel is best, not what everyone else feel is best.

Don’t worry about losing your relationship with your boyfriend, half of the time, they don’t stay anyway after a pregnancy- abortion or no abortion. I don’t understand why.

There are single moms everyday. But like I said, you do what’s best for you. Ignore everyone else.

You need to speak to someone. You say you will feel guilty forcing him into having a baby he doesn't want. But it is you having it. You say you will resent him - that's why you need to talk it over with a counsellor.
Its odd that he was all excited and then did a complete turnaround. Has he spoken to parents or taken advice from a friend?
I think you need a frank discussion with him. If he was so keen on kids I would be worried that if you abort it would be him regretting the decision and holding that against you in the future. Imagine "you knew I wanted kids you should have realised it was just panic". Good luck OP.

I can’t believe all the posters saying it has nothing to do with him. Of course it has something to do with him. It’s something that will impact on his life forever, financially and emotionally.
OP this should be a joint decision. Don’t be pressured into keeping a child by righteous mumsnetters who are so quick to make other people’s’ decisions for them.

I would ask him to move out for a week, get yourself some counselling and see where you want to go with this.
He may have made his decision - but actually that was at the point he had sex with you. But you need to give yourself the time and space to make your own decision without him pressuring you.

He doesn't sound as though he will make a great dad - issuing his edits and piling on the pressure. And I doubt your relationship will last with or without the baby as this will come between you. I have friends who had kids in their 20s who are now starting to leave home, I still have primary aged kids. We have lead different lives but all seemed to turn out ok. It is about what you want for your future nione can decide that for you.

Good luck OP.

Just remember if he was all for the baby now there is no guarantee you would never end up a single mum. I think all women should be sensible and think if they would cope if they ever had to go it alone x

@JenniferSantoro

I can’t believe all the posters saying it has nothing to do with him. Of course it has something to do with him. It’s something that will impact on his life forever, financially and emotionally. OP this should be a joint decision. Don’t be pressured into keeping a child by righteous mumsnetters who are so quick to make other people’s’ decisions for them.

Exactly my own feelings and as for, “ Regardless of you being on the pill for years, no birth control (besides abstinence) is 100% so there are risks every time you choose to have sex which he should have known”

Bollocks, I managed to have sex 100s of times without getting pregnant while on the pill and the thought of accidentally getting pregnant never crossed my mind, never mind the male I was with at the time.

I think only you can make this decision.

However I would leave the bf either way because he’s shown a nasty side to himself. Saying that he’s “made his decision” when it’s not his to make, providing so little support to you when you are understandably afraid is cold and not loving at all.

It is NOT and never will be a joint decision - it is always the woman’s decision. The law agrees. He is entitled to give his opinion but the final decision rests with you OP. Do not be pressured in either direction by anyone - speak to Marie Stopes, have impartial counselling and make your own choice.

JenniferSantoro

It’s just not a joint decision, though.

I think that whilst it is true that he probably feels like he has no control over what going on, which should always be the case IMO, him saying as much to you and in such a way is possibly a bit of a guilt trip.

As a PP has already said, speak to a good councillor and think about what having a child alone would mean for you, before you make any decision. Its quite likely he won’t want to be involved at all, which to me is his choice in all of this if you choose to go ahead, and so you’ll need a plan of action.
I know people who have had terminations, some don’t regret a thing whilst others do, so there isn’t a definitive answer on if you will or not.

I think you need to think through the choices hard. Maybe pen and paper pros and cons for each may help.

If you terminate id say your relationship is dead in the water.
If you keep it - not only do you need to be prepared to be a single parent but you need to think about what your life will look like. You are going to be stuck dealing with this guy for 10 years minimum 30+ years max.
How would you cope financially he already sounds inconsistent and like he'll dick you about. Can you go it alone financially and also deal with his inconsistency?

@JenniferSantoro

I can’t believe all the posters saying it has nothing to do with him. Of course it has something to do with him. It’s something that will impact on his life forever, financially and emotionally. OP this should be a joint decision. Don’t be pressured into keeping a child by righteous mumsnetters who are so quick to make other people’s’ decisions for them.

Sigh. turning this about someone else who don’t have to face this decision and can walk away anytime. His decision ended when he decided not to use protection and the rest is up to you. this is about what’s best for you

Like I said, I know it is hard when you feel people are not supportive and you feel you will walk alone but keep the child if you feel it is the right decision.

The decision is yours. It's hard and lonely but that is how it has to be because the fetus is part of your body right now. If you decide the best thing to do is to have an abortion, then that's the last word. Only you can know in the end. And the same the other way. It's not his decision. It's your decision. That's what being pro choice means actually - it's not being pro abortion, but pro the woman having, or not having, the abortion. You are the person who shoulders the consequences.

If you do have this baby, you should assume you will be having it alone. If you do not have this baby, and you wanted it, you should assume your relationship is over, if not now, then over time as this experience poisons it.

If you don't want this baby, that is ok. If you do want this baby, that is ok.

I love the binary responses, I'm guessing literally every single unplanned pregnancy has either ended in separation, or a termination.

Plenty of people manage the third option, which is you discuss it, get used to the idea, make plans and continue on with the rest of your life.

Nobody on here knows the right answer, because nobody has any insight into the OPs relationship.

@littlepeas

It is NOT and never will be a joint decision - it is always the woman’s decision. The law agrees. He is entitled to give his opinion but the final decision rests with you OP. Do not be pressured in either direction by anyone - speak to Marie Stopes, have impartial counselling and make your own choice.

This, my God, I despair at the lack of support for women on these threads.

Pro-choice means exactly that - it is YOUR choice, and that means that there are 2 options - not just abortion, which seems to be the only option ever promoted on here.

@FixTheBone

I love the binary responses, I'm guessing literally every single unplanned pregnancy has either ended in separation, or a termination.

Plenty of people manage the third option, which is you discuss it, get used to the idea, make plans and continue on with the rest of your life.

Nobody on here knows the right answer, because nobody has any insight into the OPs relationship.

No they haven't, but when making such a big decision, you should not make it on best case scenarios. Just like in financial planning you shouldn't pencil in your upcoming win on the pools.

I know i will regret it all my life and it will haunt me. If i abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend.

Don’t have an abortion.

The reality is if you do become a single parent it won’t be easy, but life isn’t always about taking the easy option. I was exactly the same as you & felt a sense of protection over the ‘blob of cells’ (not my words) as soon as I found out.

You may have pangs of regret, when days are tough. But I think even people who plan children have that too. But over all, I’m sure you will not live to regret the decision to keep your baby if you already feel so strongly about it now.

Take time out on your own OP so you can discern your own feelings without the input of others. And follow and honour your own feelings. As the relationship is only 6 months, the chances are high that it will not survive, whichever course you take.

It sounds to me like you already know your keeping the baby. Tell him that. It's his choice if he stays or not but if you abort the pregnancy your relationship is over anyway because you will resent him and every argument you ever have it will come up. If he stays great if not you can do this. I know because I was you at 19. My sons dad chose to leave but I do not regret having my boy and never would. I now have a supportive partner. Do what is best for you if you can't live with termination either your keeping the baby or adoption but I think you know what you really want already.

I would say you are very young with a lot of living to do... The happiest parents I know personally are those who both feel theyd had the life they wanted before children came along. All the best whatever you decide

@Powerchewings

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That is cold but I see it to a point.

Of course if he really didn't want to be a father he should have used contraception as well.

He trusted Op & unfortunately she made a mistake.

I do find it hard to think that people don't realise this about the pill.

Do Drs not say-are leaflets not read-about something so important?

But if you look at it in a basic way, you were taking contraception because you didn't want a baby...

Assume that he is out and you will be a single parent, and then make your decision based on what YOU want to do. He also needs to understand that he's also responsible for whatever decision he makes...so no staying in a relationship with you but then blaming you if he comes to regret it.

Some soul searching and honest talks are needed here but ultimately this is indeed your decision.

You sound like you want to keep the baby, so do that if you want to. But it sounds like he will not be helping in any way. He might help financially, but mentally, physically, emotionally? Nope. You can't even guarantee help financially, he may run away forever.

Maybe it's just nerves at becoming a father though and they will pass. But none of us know, all you can do is accept that you may be alone doing this.

I was in a similar(ish) situation to you about 6 years ago. Been with the guy for about 5 months and found out I was pregnant after a vomiting bug. Told him and he wasn't keen but said it was my choice even although we loved each other and we're pretty sure we wanted the relationship to be long term. I decided to abort. In the 6 years that have passed we have travelled loads, both got significant promotions, got married and bought a house. I'm now 7 no the pregnant and we are both excited beyond belief about our new baby. I genuinely feel that aborting first time around has allowed us to give this baby a much better life as well as offered us both the opportunity to live our life and cement our relationship before moving to the next stage. It's obviously a difficult and personal decision, but I thought I'd pass on my story so you can think it over. Best of luck with whatever decision you make x

Your boyfriend has told you that he doesn’t want you to have a baby - that’s fair enough, he’s young and it’s good that he’s comfortable enough to tell you the truth rather than what he thinks you want to hear. Of course he doesn’t get to decide what you do but he’s told you what he wants to happen and you should take that into consideration. I don’t think it sounds like he’s pressuring you to have an abortion. You feel he is, so move out for a couple of weeks so that your head is clear before you decide what to do.

Whatever decision you come to assume that you will be a single mum and work from there. Your boyfriend will have some legal requirements to pay towards the cost of raising your baby but this could well be a small amount and legally he wouldn’t be obliged to see the baby.

Also you say that you would have to live with a lifetimes regret if you had an abortion. Again, I think this is something you really need to discuss with an impartial counsellor. If you’ve always been pro choice and before you fell pregnant you had assumed you’d have an abortion at this stage in your life then it may well just be hormones that are making you feel like this. I had an abortion when my eldest was 6mo - I’ve since gone on to have dc2 and, although at the time I found the abortion incredibly difficult to deal with at the time, I now look back on it and know that it was the right decision not just for me but for my whole family. Many, many women have abortions every year for any multitude of reasons, all as valid as any other as far as I’m concerned. It doesn’t necessarily become a millstone around your neck, particularly if you take the counselling that is offered.

Whatever decision you make it needs to be your decision and yours alone. Take some time away from your boyfriend. Talk to an impartial friend or a counsellor. Whatever decision you come to will result in you having days when you feel like you made the wrong choice. As long as the choice is yours and you’re not rushed into it you’ll make the right choice