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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel overwhelmed by this? What do i do? Boyfriend pressuring abortion

207 replies

nutellacrumpet8991 · 12/10/2020 11:17

This is a very tricky situation and i feel overwhelmed. It is not a case of being irresponsible, just stupid. I had a stomach bug last month and did not cross our minds that that would make the pill ineffective. I’ve been on the pill for years and this never happened.

I just found out i am about 6 weeks pregnant according to the date of my last period. I am 22, my boyfriend is 24. If we keep the baby we’ll be 23 and 25 when the baby arrives.
We’ve only been together for 6 months. Been living together for 4 months. Our relationship seem very stable, we both see it as something serious that will hopefully lead to marriage and kids(later).

We both work full time and together make around 40k a year before tax. So not a lot of money but not poor either.

When i showed him the many positive tests his first reaction was excitement and happiness. He started making future plans. Like we’ll move into his parents empty house so we don’t need to pay rent, his retired parents will be more than happy to babysit once maternity leave is over so we don’t need to pay for daycare, he will trade in his very expensive car for a cheaper one, so pretty responsible reaction.

I had no initial reaction because i was in shock. I just felt and still feel fear.

However he changed his opinion very fast. He told me he’s made his decision and that is abortion. He said it’s the smart thing to do and he does not want to give up his life for a baby.

I agree it is the smart thing to do and i am pro choice. Before this happened to me i always thought that if it happened i would choose abortion. But now that it actually happened it is not that easy. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what, but i feel a weird sense of attachment towards the thing growing in my stomach. Also strong feelings of guilt and ‘what ifs’. I don’t know if i can go through with abortion. I know i will regret it all my life and it will haunt me. If i abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend.

Whatever decision i make i feel like i can’t win. If i keep the baby i feel guilty for forcing him to have a baby he doesn’t want. If i abort i will feel guilty for killing my baby and will always wonder what could have been and i know i will resent my boyfriend.

He says he is scared that his life is not in his hands anymore because i have the ultimate say. He says he is scared he will grow feelings of resent towards me and the baby. He keeps repeating that he made his choice and that is pressuring me.

I don’t want to be a single mum and i told him that if i decide to keep it he can leave. He says no, he will need to be part. But words are words and i don’t want to be a single mum. I doubt he would walk away because he’s been broody ever since we met, always talking about kids and how he can’t wait to be a dad one day. He even had his names chosen. This was before the accident though.

I feel overwhelmed. I really don’t think i can go through with an abortion. I don’t know what to do. I am terrified. I already resent my boyfriend because i feel it is so easy for him to just say he’s made his decision because he is not the one who is suffering the consequences of having to do something he does not want to do.

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 13/10/2020 12:17

This man sounds unpleasant. Definitely worth getting an abortion to hang on to him.

You get to decide, not him. He doesn’t get to decide whether you abort or whether you live with him.

I’ve thought I was pregnant a number of times with different men and without exception they were supportive. I’d say ditch the man, keep the baby, leave his name off the birth certificate, and make sure he pays child support.

makingmammaries · 13/10/2020 12:17

Definitely NOT worth ...

WankPuffins · 13/10/2020 12:19

Jesus OP, he sounds like an absolute tosser.

FWIW, I am totally pro choice. For other women. For me, no. I couldn’t abort.

But, in your shoes, 22 with a ‘man’ like that in your life...

If you have the baby and tell him you have had it (morally I guess you’d have to), then you are stuck with him in your life. Don’t let him live with you, but if you share a child he will be there forever.

Ultimately it’s your choice. Your body - he has no say.

I really feel for you. This is a horrendous situation.

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/10/2020 12:24

I believe op must be 10000% certain in order to terminate

I would imagine that many women in this situation aren't 10000% certain either way. That's what makes it such a hard and unenviable situation.

You may not agree with FizzyGreenWater but she's talking very wise sense, as is her wont. She has said what she would do in this situation and what she thinks OP should do; that's the point of the discussion.

I'm sorry for your heartbreaking loss. It was a very different situation.

BlueThistles · 13/10/2020 12:28

Ditch Him .... then decide what You wish to do OP 🌺

Annasgirl · 13/10/2020 12:41

OP, I read your update and if you were my DD or my niece here is what I would say,

please leave your BF - he is not the man for you. You are so young and have your whole life ahead, please do not waste one more day on him.

Talk to your mum and your closest friend. Go to see a counsellor. Decide what you want to do with your life and body. I would terminate in this situation but I would never advise someone to terminate if they did not want to. So decide what you want with your life. But remember that of you choose to have this baby, this man (awful as he is) could antagonise you for the rest of your life by interfering with the way you raise your child. I have seen it with friends who divorce men like him - they keep trying to control the mother through the children. So be prepared for that outcome.

Best wishes, please get non-directional counselling in real life where you can work this out.

Felifox · 13/10/2020 12:49

Your bf cannot force you to have an abortion, put his name on the bc, live with him. I hope you have someone to talk your situation through with and some moral support if you decide to keep the baby.

Your bf's attitude sounds like coercive control so be aware he is bullying you and that needs to stop. He's equally responsible for your pregnancy and he needs to understand that not everyone feels able to terminate a pregnancy.

💐 I'm sorry you're facing this.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/10/2020 13:37

Your bf cannot force you to have an abortion, put his name on the bc, live with him

No, but he can take her to court to get his name added to the bc, get parental responsiblity and then contact, eventually overnight contact and depending on how controlling and persistent he is, take her to court for anything up to 50-50 shared residency. Then choose to make her life hell for the next 18 years, and more.

I feel quite passionately about this because a friend has been in the same position, more or less. Does she regret having her child? Yes. She does. It's obviously a complete headfuck as she loves her child immensely, but if she could go back in time and not be in the position she was - she would.

Her nutjob was similar, utterly controlling, similar situation as in got pregnant before really knowing him. He talked her out of a termination, left anyway, then used his family's money to take her through court numerous times. Child was of course palmed off with his family or whatever girlfriend he had at the time, but so far the last ten years have been a constant battle - if there's something he can make difficult for her, he does.

She is hoping that her child won't want to see him once in teen years.

He and the situation have quite honestly ruined her life.

It could have been very different.

CrappleUmble · 13/10/2020 13:44

Make sure you bin him whatever happens with the pregnancy.

NewlyGranny · 13/10/2020 14:07

Well, your second post reveals him showing his true colours!

Doesn't he just love being in control?

What gives him the idea that he gets to dictate where and with whom you live for the next 18 or 19 years?

Just imagine, you're trying to re-start your social life a year or two down the track and your new date asks why he's never invited to yours. You tell him it's because your baby's father, your ex, lives with you and doesn't welcome other men popping round. Riiiiiiight.

Harehedge · 13/10/2020 14:28

He's made his decision?! How very arrogant of him. It's not his decision to make! He made his one and only decision when he has sex with you. After that, it's your body and the decisions belong to you.

You should never feel guilty for not having an abortion. You have a choice but it's hardly a choice if there's one thing you feel you ought to do. Your partner is really trying to take that choice away from you based on what he'd like out of life and doesn't seem to care what that does to you. This is not someone I'd want to be with.

Take a break from him and make your own mind up.

Harehedge · 13/10/2020 14:30

Just read your second post. What a thug.

Do not continue with this man.

SuzieQQQ · 13/10/2020 14:33

He’s talking like he has a say. He doesn’t. It is your decision. You do not have to live with him. He sounds like he is full of crap to be honest and is trying to manipulate you into an abortion. If you have the baby and aren’t living together no judge is going to make you grave shared custody either. A baby will stay with its mother.

Feelingconfused2020 · 13/10/2020 14:36

Well this seems to be the moment where you realise what an arsehole you were going out with. He sounds like he is trying to control you and your behaviour. He sounds like he is/would become abusive.

What you do is entirely your decision but I think you need to have a break from him for a while so that you can consider the decision without his input. Imagine how much you will resent him if you live with regret over an abortion you didn't want and the relationship ends or goes sour (which it seems likely will happen from the posts so far)

WiggleSquiggle · 13/10/2020 14:46

@nutellacrumpet8991 - Stress or not, this is abusive behaviour he is displaying now you’re not doing as he’s told.
Please break away from him ASAP and then make your own decision, whatever that may be.
I hope you’re ok. Flowers

timetest · 13/10/2020 15:07

Just read your update. What a controlling git. Whatever you decide, I would strongly advise getting rid of him. He is in no position to dictate to you.

20mum · 13/10/2020 15:19

The international scientific organisations watching and monitoring (including the German report from the icecap, today, for example) say two things which might be worth considering: Humans will not stop breeding and polluting, and it is realistically already too late to reverse climate change. By 2050 half the planet's population are predicted to have no habitable land to live on. (In U.K., all water is contaminated, and within 10 years some areas will run out of supply) There won't, ever, be a lovely back to the olden days world, with the country in credit, personal wealth or security of any kind, and lifestyles based on maximum consumption.

Corona 19 is here permanently. Vaccine cannot work, because getting it once doesn't make you immune, it leaves you liable to get it a second time, soon afterwards, far more seriously (News in U.S.A. Lancet and in France, today). As well as Covid 19, the planet must expect similar and worse plagues, such as Ebola, to be a constant factor of life.

Food and water shortages, and competition from mass migration on unprecedented scales, will cause breakdown of law and order, vital supplies, private property, the banking system. Today, there was an announcement that the country is already in worse debt than after two world wars, and banks are so out of control they intend to charge people for putting money in, while devaluing the cash people have stored under mattresses.

Street riots, private disease-spreading parties in open defiance of law, attacks on emergency service workers, have begun in u.k., and can only get worse. (Apparently, some mega rich people have tried to insulate themselves in N.Z. South Island, against what they call 'The Event', but are troubled over how to buy the loyalty of their security guards, when money has no value!) Also today, news that rapid fire guns are taking over from old fashioned knives and pistols, distributed around the country (along with plentiful fake I.D documents and passports!) for the new style criminals

There won't be an effective Health service, (already the N.H.S has said there is a two year treatment backlog, even if Covid vanished overnight) There won't be personal security. There won't be state benefits. An added human born now might have a century of life expectancy, but does the planet need him/her, does s/he have enough happiness ahead to make it glad it was born? Would a kitten be a better option?

By the way, it is nonsense to assert that people regret terminations. Some do. Most don't. In fact, before pregnancy testing kits were in every corner shop, most ended without the woman even being sure she was pregnant. One in four pregnancies self-terminate naturally, and all termination is safer than childbirth, with first trimester endings the most commonplace if they happen from nature, and the most straightforward if induced. An induced termination might merely be a way of bringing about what would have happened in any case, so there isn't necessarily anything to be regretful about, anyway.

Yes. it is being so cheerful as keeps me going! But then, something like child abuse by priests was something horrible, known about, but ignored for centuries without the whole of humanity suffering as a result, only the children and only for their lifetimes. Climate change is horrible, known about, but ignored for one century. Like the paedophiles, the nasty thing doesn't grab attention. People don't want to know, even though they know perfectly well. Ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist isn't working. People would prefer to feed on the latest babblings about Meghan. Attenborough hopes it isn't too late, Greta fears it is. But either way, without drastic, dramatic change, instantly, humans have no chance.!

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 15:36

@20mum

The international scientific organisations watching and monitoring (including the German report from the icecap, today, for example) say two things which might be worth considering: Humans will not stop breeding and polluting, and it is realistically already too late to reverse climate change. By 2050 half the planet's population are predicted to have no habitable land to live on. (In U.K., all water is contaminated, and within 10 years some areas will run out of supply) There won't, ever, be a lovely back to the olden days world, with the country in credit, personal wealth or security of any kind, and lifestyles based on maximum consumption.

Corona 19 is here permanently. Vaccine cannot work, because getting it once doesn't make you immune, it leaves you liable to get it a second time, soon afterwards, far more seriously (News in U.S.A. Lancet and in France, today). As well as Covid 19, the planet must expect similar and worse plagues, such as Ebola, to be a constant factor of life.

Food and water shortages, and competition from mass migration on unprecedented scales, will cause breakdown of law and order, vital supplies, private property, the banking system. Today, there was an announcement that the country is already in worse debt than after two world wars, and banks are so out of control they intend to charge people for putting money in, while devaluing the cash people have stored under mattresses.

Street riots, private disease-spreading parties in open defiance of law, attacks on emergency service workers, have begun in u.k., and can only get worse. (Apparently, some mega rich people have tried to insulate themselves in N.Z. South Island, against what they call 'The Event', but are troubled over how to buy the loyalty of their security guards, when money has no value!) Also today, news that rapid fire guns are taking over from old fashioned knives and pistols, distributed around the country (along with plentiful fake I.D documents and passports!) for the new style criminals

There won't be an effective Health service, (already the N.H.S has said there is a two year treatment backlog, even if Covid vanished overnight) There won't be personal security. There won't be state benefits. An added human born now might have a century of life expectancy, but does the planet need him/her, does s/he have enough happiness ahead to make it glad it was born? Would a kitten be a better option?

By the way, it is nonsense to assert that people regret terminations. Some do. Most don't. In fact, before pregnancy testing kits were in every corner shop, most ended without the woman even being sure she was pregnant. One in four pregnancies self-terminate naturally, and all termination is safer than childbirth, with first trimester endings the most commonplace if they happen from nature, and the most straightforward if induced. An induced termination might merely be a way of bringing about what would have happened in any case, so there isn't necessarily anything to be regretful about, anyway.

Yes. it is being so cheerful as keeps me going! But then, something like child abuse by priests was something horrible, known about, but ignored for centuries without the whole of humanity suffering as a result, only the children and only for their lifetimes. Climate change is horrible, known about, but ignored for one century. Like the paedophiles, the nasty thing doesn't grab attention. People don't want to know, even though they know perfectly well. Ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist isn't working. People would prefer to feed on the latest babblings about Meghan. Attenborough hopes it isn't too late, Greta fears it is. But either way, without drastic, dramatic change, instantly, humans have no chance.!

I'm a fucking massive pessimist but even I am not that scared of the future! Geez
BlueRose18 · 13/10/2020 15:44

@20mum

The international scientific organisations watching and monitoring (including the German report from the icecap, today, for example) say two things which might be worth considering: Humans will not stop breeding and polluting, and it is realistically already too late to reverse climate change. By 2050 half the planet's population are predicted to have no habitable land to live on. (In U.K., all water is contaminated, and within 10 years some areas will run out of supply) There won't, ever, be a lovely back to the olden days world, with the country in credit, personal wealth or security of any kind, and lifestyles based on maximum consumption.

Corona 19 is here permanently. Vaccine cannot work, because getting it once doesn't make you immune, it leaves you liable to get it a second time, soon afterwards, far more seriously (News in U.S.A. Lancet and in France, today). As well as Covid 19, the planet must expect similar and worse plagues, such as Ebola, to be a constant factor of life.

Food and water shortages, and competition from mass migration on unprecedented scales, will cause breakdown of law and order, vital supplies, private property, the banking system. Today, there was an announcement that the country is already in worse debt than after two world wars, and banks are so out of control they intend to charge people for putting money in, while devaluing the cash people have stored under mattresses.

Street riots, private disease-spreading parties in open defiance of law, attacks on emergency service workers, have begun in u.k., and can only get worse. (Apparently, some mega rich people have tried to insulate themselves in N.Z. South Island, against what they call 'The Event', but are troubled over how to buy the loyalty of their security guards, when money has no value!) Also today, news that rapid fire guns are taking over from old fashioned knives and pistols, distributed around the country (along with plentiful fake I.D documents and passports!) for the new style criminals

There won't be an effective Health service, (already the N.H.S has said there is a two year treatment backlog, even if Covid vanished overnight) There won't be personal security. There won't be state benefits. An added human born now might have a century of life expectancy, but does the planet need him/her, does s/he have enough happiness ahead to make it glad it was born? Would a kitten be a better option?

By the way, it is nonsense to assert that people regret terminations. Some do. Most don't. In fact, before pregnancy testing kits were in every corner shop, most ended without the woman even being sure she was pregnant. One in four pregnancies self-terminate naturally, and all termination is safer than childbirth, with first trimester endings the most commonplace if they happen from nature, and the most straightforward if induced. An induced termination might merely be a way of bringing about what would have happened in any case, so there isn't necessarily anything to be regretful about, anyway.

Yes. it is being so cheerful as keeps me going! But then, something like child abuse by priests was something horrible, known about, but ignored for centuries without the whole of humanity suffering as a result, only the children and only for their lifetimes. Climate change is horrible, known about, but ignored for one century. Like the paedophiles, the nasty thing doesn't grab attention. People don't want to know, even though they know perfectly well. Ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist isn't working. People would prefer to feed on the latest babblings about Meghan. Attenborough hopes it isn't too late, Greta fears it is. But either way, without drastic, dramatic change, instantly, humans have no chance.!

I don’t find this relevant to OP’s situation to be honest. What are you trying to achieve by posting all of that? Is this fear mongering and an attempt to talk OP into termination? If so then you have no right to actually do that. This is ultimately her decision and is being guilt tripped by her partner and I feel you’re trying to do the same with that long post
willowmelangell · 13/10/2020 16:02

You decide whether to go ahead or not.
You decide who you live with.
At least he is letting you know what an absolute arse he intends to be if you keep him in your life.

RedSquirrelGreySquirrel · 13/10/2020 16:09

It is relevant, because bringing a child into the world should involve practical considerations, not just sentiment. In Britain particularly we have run out of room and are ruled by people who want to keep the vast majority of what there is for themselves. If you are not born independently wealthy, or at least with strong family social security then these are the choices you get. I really would think twice about having a child if it ties you to a man who is little more than a boy himself, in a culture that will always enable men over women, and you have no family support op.

timetest · 13/10/2020 16:16

20mum, you’ve got too much time on your hands.

liveitwell · 13/10/2020 16:20

My husband honest opinion is either get an abortion or leave him now and go it alone.

He is showing his true colours. You haven't been together long and the relationship has moved very fast indeed. Moving in together after 8 weeks seems too quick for anyone.

Then he's threatening you that your baby will stay with him even if you're not together.... Eeeerr what?! So basically if you go ahead with the pregnancy you will have to just do as he pleases and won't be able to move on with your life.

I would run for the hills either way. He isn't displaying nice characteristics of a partner. Go talk to your family and see what support they can provide. You're lucky in that you can see what he's like before the pregnancy is too far ahead. You have choices. I wouldn't want to be stuck with this horrible boy for 18 years trying to co-parent.

WankPuffins · 13/10/2020 16:22

@20mum did you think theHunger Games was a comedy by any chance?

I thought I was a bloody misery.

LittleOwl153 · 13/10/2020 16:26

Clearly you need to boot him out and fast - or leave depending on whose flat you are currently in. You are right this relationship or even houseshare will never work.

I'd personally move away from him now whilst you still have the choice. He has no rights over you or the child whilst you are pregnant, however once a child is born you can guarantee he will look at thinks like prohibitive steps orders to prevent you moving away from him.

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