AIBU to feel overwhelmed by this? What do i do? Boyfriend pressuring abortion

[nutellacrumpet8991]

This is a very tricky situation and i feel overwhelmed. It is not a case of being irresponsible, just stupid. I had a stomach bug last month and did not cross our minds that that would make the pill ineffective. I’ve been on the pill for years and this never happened.

I just found out i am about 6 weeks pregnant according to the date of my last period. I am 22, my boyfriend is 24. If we keep the baby we’ll be 23 and 25 when the baby arrives.
We’ve only been together for 6 months. Been living together for 4 months. Our relationship seem very stable, we both see it as something serious that will hopefully lead to marriage and kids(later).

We both work full time and together make around 40k a year before tax. So not a lot of money but not poor either.

When i showed him the many positive tests his first reaction was excitement and happiness. He started making future plans. Like we’ll move into his parents empty house so we don’t need to pay rent, his retired parents will be more than happy to babysit once maternity leave is over so we don’t need to pay for daycare, he will trade in his very expensive car for a cheaper one, so pretty responsible reaction.

I had no initial reaction because i was in shock. I just felt and still feel fear.

However he changed his opinion very fast. He told me he’s made his decision and that is abortion. He said it’s the smart thing to do and he does not want to give up his life for a baby.

I agree it is the smart thing to do and i am pro choice. Before this happened to me i always thought that if it happened i would choose abortion. But now that it actually happened it is not that easy. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what, but i feel a weird sense of attachment towards the thing growing in my stomach. Also strong feelings of guilt and ‘what ifs’. I don’t know if i can go through with abortion. I know i will regret it all my life and it will haunt me. If i abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend.

Whatever decision i make i feel like i can’t win. If i keep the baby i feel guilty for forcing him to have a baby he doesn’t want. If i abort i will feel guilty for killing my baby and will always wonder what could have been and i know i will resent my boyfriend.

He says he is scared that his life is not in his hands anymore because i have the ultimate say. He says he is scared he will grow feelings of resent towards me and the baby. He keeps repeating that he made his choice and that is pressuring me.

I don’t want to be a single mum and i told him that if i decide to keep it he can leave. He says no, he will need to be part. But words are words and i don’t want to be a single mum. I doubt he would walk away because he’s been broody ever since we met, always talking about kids and how he can’t wait to be a dad one day. He even had his names chosen. This was before the accident though.

I feel overwhelmed. I really don’t think i can go through with an abortion. I don’t know what to do. I am terrified. I already resent my boyfriend because i feel it is so easy for him to just say he’s made his decision because he is not the one who is suffering the consequences of having to do something he does not want to do.

@JenniferSantoro

I can’t believe all the posters saying it has nothing to do with him. Of course it has something to do with him. It’s something that will impact on his life forever, financially and emotionally. OP this should be a joint decision. Don’t be pressured into keeping a child by righteous mumsnetters who are so quick to make other people’s’ decisions for them.

Have you ever been in a position where someone gets to dictate what you do with your body? No. That's not the way it works. Once the wan is pregnant it is HER decision on whether to carry on with the pregor not. Its called bodily autonomy, maybe look it up.

Actually, maybe you have. That was too quick of me to judge. If you have, that was wrong and they had no right.

I love the binary responses, I'm guessing literally every single unplanned pregnancy has either ended in separation, or a termination.

But for OP, it is a binary decision: terminate or not. If her boyfriend makes it clear he wants an abortion and will be resentful and awful if she doesn't get one, then it's wise to make a decision based on the assumption that he won't be staying in the relationship if it goes ahead, ie that she'll be a single parent. It would be wonderful if he changes his mind and they all get what they want and are happy. But given this isn't looking likely, OP needs to take into account the fact that she's likely to be a single parent while she considers what she wants to do. She also needs to consider the resentment and distress she'll have to cope with if she does terminate.

It's a terrible situation, life changing whatever she does. I feel for her.

On the other hand adoption could be another option. Obviously that's a major decision too and one that not a lot of people choose but maybe the father would feel more comfortable with that?

Adoption always gets mentioned. It’s not really a good option is it if she’s already struggling with the idea of abortion? She’d literally be putting her baby up for adoption just to keep him happy.

I bet someone has spoken to him and they’ve been negative about to him, and this has spooked him a bit. You say he’s always been broody and he was really excited when he found out about the pregnancy, and now he’s adamant he wants you to have an abortion. I think it’s really odd how he’s made a complete U-turn and won’t even discuss it because “he’s made his decision”. Someone has been talking to him and now he’s shitting it.

First, as many others have said, your boyfriend doesn't have a decision to make in this.

Second, I would strongly recommend that you try to take the guilt out of this, from both sides of this decision. You say: 'Whatever decision i make i feel like i can’t win. If i keep the baby i feel guilty for forcing him to have a baby he doesn’t want. If i abort i will feel guilty for killing my baby and will always wonder what could have been and i know i will resent my boyfriend.' This guilt - on both sides - is clouding your path - preventing you working out what you really want, for your life now and in the long term. I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do here. But any notions of guilt (of forcing him and certainly of 'killing a baby') are just going to make this harder and make it less likely that you come to the decision that is right for you - whichever one that is.

Good luck.

"I think it’s really odd how he’s made a complete U-turn and won’t even discuss it because “he’s made his decision”. Someone has been talking to him and now he’s shitting it."

They'd talked about kids in the future.

Maybe someone has talked to him & he feels that the future would be better than now?

@SicklyToaster

If you have it, assume you'll be a single mother. It's a 6 month relationship. Statistically the odds of one lasting the the 18 years necessary to raise a child are low, add an unexpected, unwanted pregnancy and the chances are vanishing.

He will have some minimal legal obligations towards you. Know what they are and don't expect more than that. Determine whether you can deal with the sort of life that could lead to and go from there.

This.

You get to decide whether to have this baby.

He gets to decide if he wants to be in the baby's life.

Pro-choice means exactly that - it is YOUR choice, and that means that there are 2 options - not just abortion, which seems to be the only option ever promoted on here.

Funny, I see far more encouragement to go ahead and have babies when clearly the circumstances don’t support that choice. An unplanned pregnancy, prospective parents very young, hardly know each other and on low incomes, obviously it would be sensible to terminate and concentrate on improving career prospects and forming a solid relationship before having children.

As much as he has a right to his own opinions, worries and doubts this is absolutely your decision and I think if your already feeling attached to the foetus then abortion might not be the right thing for you. I think you should get some counselling, bpas will be able to talk you through your options, they won't push you one way or the other but can help you get some clarity and support. Good luck in whatever you decide x

He told me he’s made his decision and that is abortion.

Ultimately not his decision. You need to do what is the best for you. If you honestly think that you will regret this for the rest of your life then maybe it is not the correct decision for you. But if you think it will affect your relationship going forward (and it seems it will if you get one and you’ll regret it or you don’t and he resents you), you need to look at this decision as you will be single in the future and decide what’s best for you there.

Maybe someone has talked to him & he feels that the future would be better than now?

Ok so he wanted babies in the future, but life doesn’t always go to plan does it? If the op wants this baby he’s going to have to accept he will be dad sooner rather than later.

Your body your choice.
You know his opinion- but it's your decision.
If you go ahead with his wishes, you may end up resentful and split up anyway.
If you keep the baby, he may walk away.
Or he may realise that he really loves you and stays part of your life.

Being a single mum is not the end of the world - I was brought up by my mum alone after my father walked out when I was a baby (in the late 50's), I know lots of single mums - we all do- it's not always easy, you might not have much money but the same is true for couples.
Do not be pressured into making the decision that other people think is best. It has to be what you want.

He seems pretty committed just scared. He'll get over it and most likely be a good dad. Hopefully you can provide him with some reassurance it will all be ok.

What I don't understand is his rapid change of mind. Did he tell his family and they talk him out of it? I was put under immense pressure to abort. My XP did everything he could to get me to agree. He took me to Marie Stopes and they backed him and just wanted to book me in. They were awful. He then got me to book elsewhere. I didn't go as I just couldn't do it. I had a baby growing inside me and despite the difficult circumstances I was feeling very attached to it. He did stay around for six years. I will never regret continuing with the pregnancy. It was hard. His commitment was very iffy and he blew hot and mostly cold, but I'm so glad I went with my gut. OP you sound like me, don't do it. You clearly don't want an abortion.

If i abort i will feel guilty for killing my baby and will always wonder what could have been and i know i will resent my boyfriend.

If you’re sure you will feel this way, then you need to be very honest with him right now that abortion is not an option.

However, I would say that it’s not at all inevitable that you will feel guilt and therefore resent him. I had an unplanned pregnancy at your age with my eventual DH. I terminated that pregnancy and we went on to have DC together later in our relationship. The timing was completely wrong for us then. I haven’t regretted that decision.

What you need is some specific counselling. Marie Stopes is a great start, or your GP. Don’t delay, act now and book an appointment. You need your own counselling, and then perhaps a session with him too.

Nothing is inevitable - keeping the baby won’t definitely end your relationship and aborting won’t definitely cause you regret. You need space to talk things through.

@funinthesun19

Maybe someone has talked to him & he feels that the future would be better than now?

Ok so he wanted babies in the future, but life doesn’t always go to plan does it? If the op wants this baby he’s going to have to accept he will be dad sooner rather than later.

Of course.

And Op might have to accept that she'll essentially be a single parent.

But the overall decision is obviously ultimately hers.

You sound like you want this baby, so you should have this baby.

You should also prepare to be a single parent.

Of course someone has been talking to him. Probably his parents whom have been offered up to provide free housing and childcare. Possibly they had a view on that. Presuming that they weren’t completely on board with this scenario and possibly had concerns about the length of the relationship and the unplanned pregnancy I guess they might have suggested a different route.

On paper it looks like a no brainier to consider very carefully whether a baby really will be a lovely addition to your lives or, unfortunately, a real obstacle to doing all the things you’d planned. Termination is a huge decision and should be made with the help of a skilled counsellor where possible but it doesn’t have to ruin your life or your relationship necessarily.

Yes, continuing is a very real option but likely to be very hard.

Best wishes with making that decision.

It is your decision to make, I think you need to make it in isolation of the relationship if that makes sense. Maybe not, so what I mean is you need to make your decision on the assumption if you keep it then you will be a single mum. Equally you need to make the decision based on the assumption that your relationship would not survive an abortion you are pressured into anyway. So to be honest, either way, the relationship is probably doomed.

I don’t know if i can go through with abortion. I know i will regret it all my life and it will haunt me. If i abort it will be mostly for my boyfriend.

It sounds like you want to continue the pregancy. In that case I'd work along the lines of prepare for the worst and hope for the best. IE, prepare to be a single parent, and hope that your bf settles down and commits to raising the baby with you.

Yes, being a single parent is hard at times, but the rewards are there as well.

I suspect the relationship may not survive in any case, unless he commits. If you abort when you don't want to, you could indeed grow to resent him. And there's the possibility that he may resent you if you don't abort.

He keeps repeating that he made his choice and that is pressuring me.

Despite the opinions of other posters, that does sound like pressure on your bf's part to me.

OP, take the responsibility and make your own decision. I would base it on the assumption the boyfriend won't be around.
Personally I wouldnt have a child with a man who doesn't want it.

He made his decision to have sex. Knowing that with the best will in the world unplanned pregnancies happen.

This decision is all yours. You dont owe him anything.

What I always hear on these threads (and agree with) is that you should not base the decision or whether to have a baby or not on a partners pressure. Because with anyone who pressures you to have an abortion - the relationship will suffer regardless and you could base this huge decision on the premise of keeping a relationship that will most likely disintegrate anyway due to resentment or grief or whatever.

It could be shock and fear. We had a surprise pregnancy and we were both pretty sure we couldn't do it (already had 2 small DC). We went ahead anyway because I couldn't bring myself to have an abortion and I'm ever so grateful we made that decision, he's 8 months now and gorgeous :)
The difference is though my partner was very supportive and we talked calmly about the pros and cons with him always emphasising that it was my decision and he would support me either way. I don't really see how a relationship can survive a pressured abortion.

Your decision, not his..
A lot of pp have recommended getting some counselling for yourself and I think that is a very good idea, if only to help you make a decision without being pressurised.

Have you told him what you said in your OP?
That you will feel guilty if you keep the baby because you would impose that decision on him.
But just as equally, you would also feel guilty of you were having an abortion. That you would only do it ‘for him’ and that you will very likely grow resentful towards him.

If so, what is his answer to that?
Is he able to actually listen to you and how hard it is? Is he open enough to work through that issue WITH you or does he expect you to double down and do as he says?
Because if it’s the latter, I suspect you are in an impossible situation, one where you Relationship is basically finished whatever the decision you will take (because HE isn’t ready to work cooperatively WITH you to find a solution). In that case, I would do whatever is sitting right for YOU (rather than for him) and I would keep the baby.