I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

[Teex]

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

I have RL friends I can lean on for support and would never have imposed my problems on him, until he spent ages wanting me to let my guard down because he saw me as a "good friend"

I'd be careful of that. It's one thing for someone's guard to come down gradually over time, another to nag them for it. Nagging can be quite manipulative. He may just be trying to reel you in, and not necessarily for good reasons.

He's a creep and has acted like the creep he is.

So he's a creep and she's an angel, because they agreed this was FWB. But now she wants more of the 'friends' and not so much of the 'benefits' (tonight), he's in the wrong.

Some very dated and sexist attitudes here.

They are both using each other. She didn't / doesn't want a relationship, and when the reality of that is clear, when she needs some support (ie the guy doesn't offer the level of empathy she wants) he's a creep.

Nope, I don't think so.

He's a creep and has acted like the creep he is

Why is he a creep? He's acting like a FWB which he is but then so is the OP....is she a creep to?

Of course YABU. He is a fuck buddy, he doesn't want to hear about your issues however bad they are, he wants sex with you. Does this make him a nice man? No , but you chose him. I'm sorry for your bad news OP but this sounds like a man you don't need in your life.

Like a PP said even virtual strangers deserve basic empathy.

If I got to chatting with an acquaintance who told me they'd had bad news, I wouldn't be like "oh I'm sorry to hear that, anyway, do you like my new handbag"

That would be rude surely?

But some feel It's ok for him to be dismissive/change the subject to sex, because we have a sexual relationship.

He is a fuck buddy, he doesn't want to hear about your issues however bad they are

Quite possibly, yet he has spent the past year or so wanting to be 'let in' and telling me how he would like to be somebody I can lean on if I ever need to talk and encouraging me to ring him any time, for anything.

I didn't even want him to counsel me about DC grandad, he asked how i was and I told him. The thing that irked me was how he immediately changed the subject to sex.

After reading these replies I'm starting to think I may have been somewhat blind in believing he wanted to be an actual friend, so thank you for opening my eyes to that.

I'm well aware men will say whatever to get into somebody's pants but overlooked that with him as he really did do a brilliant job of coming off as a friend.

Your relationship is based on sex that is very clear. So I do think you are being unreasonable. The meals etc are a natural precursor to being fucked

It's not about it being OK or not. It's just how it is when a guy just sees you as convenient.
Either get a real close male friend or a boyfriend.
I wouldn't expect any emotional support from a fwb.
And that's the general consensus here I think.

YANBU, he should have asked you if you wanted to cancel.

I think YABU to think that texting is a decent way to communicate feelings in a crisis.

I agree with the advice of just meet up and talk. Someone saying one word “sorry” can have so much more meaning and comfort than seeing it in a text. And one heartfelt sorry can have more weight than a long rambling but insincere speech on how you must be devastated and how much they care about you. Judge him by how he is in person. Not by texts because all the real feeling is lost in texting.

If I got to chatting with an acquaintance who told me they'd had bad news, I wouldn't be like "oh I'm sorry to hear that, anyway, do you like my new handbag

But you weren't chatting to him.
It was by text.

And plenty of women/ friends would offer a kind word and then move on to some other topic.

Totally different.

In his eyes you are a young(er) woman wanting to have sex . He may very well think you do not want tea and sympathy as you have tried over the years to resist his friendship and simply wanted the sex.

You can't have it both ways.

I do agree and that's how I saw it myself initially, it's only because he spent a considerable amount of time wanting to pour into the 'friendship' aspect of things - that I felt the dynamic was a good balance of the two.

Asking my advice and opinion on things, frequent texts asking how I am, asking after my family, convincing me that we are in fact good friends.

I hope I haven't come across as though I rely heavily on him for support as that's absolutely not the case. It just happens that he has been dismissive about a delicate issue and changed the subject to sex, hence my annoyance.

I'll be leaving shortly for dinner, I'll update later.

Thanks again for the perspective.

@teex Maybe read your own posts back?
You come over as very confused I'm afraid and also full of contradictions.

You have been at pains to stress that you did not want a relationship and resisted his behaviour that tried to turn this into a friendship or a relationship.

I'd be interested to know how you met him and how the dinners etc moved onto flowers, and dinners and sex when you moved away.
Was he your boss or a lecturer at uni?

If I were him, I'd be feeling very sure by now after all these years of NOT having a relationship, that all you wanted was sex 6 x a year.

But when he behaves like that, you are upset.

You are being very unfair.

He sounds like hes in this fwb relationship for the benfit part and not the friend part to be honest

You will just have to meet up, and talk to him about how you feel, then assess once again how you now view him.

but don't forget the F(friend) in FWB.

He's supposed to be her friend and she was talking to him about someone she knows being really ill.

Actual friends (including FWB) are supposed to act like friends and appear caring if something bad happens to their friend.

I can't believe the naivety of some posters! The "friend" part of FWB is just a euphemism. It's a tactic men use to get casual sex from women who find the term "fuck buddy" degrading. Real friends don't use each other the way FWBs do. FWB is code for "You're an easy lay, but I don't even like you enough to call you my girlfriend". And this is absolutely fine - as long as both parties are on board with it.

Like a PP said even virtual strangers deserve basic empathy. If I got to chatting with an acquaintance who told me they'd had bad news, I wouldn't be like "oh I'm sorry to hear that, anyway, do you like my new handbag"

@Teex Or, worse still and more of a parallel to this guy, 'fancy a fuck??' Except yours didn't even phrase it as a question, it was more like:-

'They're in hospital and it doesn't look good.'

'What type of anal play and S&M shall we get upto tonight?'

He is a fuck buddy, he doesn't want to hear about your issues however bad they are

If that were so he's a user and an arsehole that doesn't care about the person he's shagging. Having a mostly sexual relationship (not that he's even necessarily tried to frame it that way in the past) doesn't mean treating the person you're involved with as an object rather than a human.

Asking my advice and opinion on things, frequent texts asking how I am, asking after my family, convincing me that we are in fact good friends.

Yes, these guys to stuff like that, they do it to try and ensure the supply of sex/ego strokes, and the narcissistic supply of your affection. Maybe even enjoying the knowledge that they are misleading and manipulating you.

@Teex No, it didn't end there with 'suck my cock' guy. I still didn't realize what was going on, that I was being manipulated and used by someone who only really cared about the sex and eventually made that quite clear.

It took my writing a thread on here for women to help me realize what was going on:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800172-Is-it-ok-for-a-lover-to-ask-repeatedly-for-sex-acts-he-knows-you-dont-want

He also made it progressively more obvious towards the end.

As you said earlier and someone said in the thread 'a stranger would treat you better than this.'

I can't believe the naivety of some posters! The "friend" part of FWB is just a euphemism. It's a tactic men use to get casual sex from women who find the term "fuck buddy" degrading

I can't believe the sexism on this thread.

It's as if women are unwilling partners in the FWB arrangement.

This is why I don’t see the point in friends with benefits, someone always wants more and let’s face it, it’s 99% always the woman.

I think the pp was correct. For ages OP has pushed him away from any personal interest in her life so he didn't really know how to react when she suddenly does.

Also OP hasn't said how explicit his turning it to sex was. It could have been I am really looking forward to tomorrow though to full intimate details (or inbetween). I agree that OP wants it to be FWB except when she doesn't - so that isn't really fair on the bloke.

@Teex

I don't think wanting a bit of understanding and consideration is boyfriend level? It's basic respect imo. The fact we have sex occasionally shouldn't mean all manners and consideration goes out of the window.

I will talk to him though.

I'd feel the same - it hasn't all just been fuck and fuck off.

However, 1) it might not have been as obvious to him as it was to you that sex would be off the cards for you. As PP said some people would appreciate a shag in that scenario. And 2) even boyrfriendsand husbands can be dense and insensitive sometimes.

He's not a mind reader. Tell him you are totally not in the mood. You don't need to go into an analysis of your relationship with him at this point. His response (or non-response) will tell you what you need to know.

@JinglingHellsBells, I don't think all women are unwilling partners in the FWB arrangement. As I said, it's fine if both parties are on-board. But as this thread proves, some women do seem to think an FWB situation involves genuine friendship. And generally, it doesn't.

I used to read a relationship forum years ago in which there was a roughly equal split of male and female posters. There were countless threads from women who had developed feelings for their FWBs, or at least expected them to prioritise them as equal to their "normal" friends. I never saw a single thread from a man in the same position.

Let's be honest, the term "friend with benefits" is much more palatable to some women than "fuck buddy", which is why men use it. Ultimately, they're exactly the same thing.

There’s a lot of gender stereotyping and sexism in this thread... a lot of women do turn to sex when they’re stressed. A lot of people would prefer a beer and the football to an emotional chat.

It boils down to this, which a few people have said but OP doesn’t seem to have acknowledged:

*If I were him, I'd be feeling very sure by now after all these years of NOT having a relationship, that all you wanted was sex 6 x a year.

But when he behaves like that, you are upset.

You are being very unfair.*

He’s doing what you wanted.