I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

[Teex]

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

But @ZoeCM if you read ALL of the OP's comments, they are quite contradictory. He appears to have behaved quite admirably for a long time- this isn't a case of weeks or months- it's been years.

For example
We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I suppose I am interested in the dynamics of how a young ( and assume attractive) young woman - not even 30- is involved with an 'much older' man when she must have her pick of men who would be happy to be fuck buddies or even FWB.

My gut feeling is he was some kind of Svengali who was good at listening and supporting, and maybe a kind of father figure.

Could be wrong, but why be friends with a much older man for years starting in your 20s, as a FWB?

Now he's slipped up once- poor bugger in all these years- she's upset. AND it was all by text.

I think she is over-reacting and reading far too much into a single text when she's been happy with him for years.

If she feels short-changed, she's really looking for a relationship not a fuck buddy. The idea of a fuck buddy AKA a FWB if we're being coy, is that you don't get emotionally involved, you have no expectations, you don't demand anything emotionally and you meet as and when for sex.

It's as if women are unwilling partners in the FWB arrangement.

I had a great time with an FWB. The relationship served a purpose when we were both, as events turned out, between more serious relationships. We liked each other, fancied the pants off each other, but something wasn't quite right for it to last long term. The sex was good fun. Did it last in the long term? No. But I don't think that's always an indicator of the quality of a relationship. Some things are just good whilst they last, and then you naturally move on from them.

I used to read a relationship forum years ago in which there was a roughly equal split of male and female posters. There were countless threads from women who had developed feelings for their FWBs, or at least expected them to prioritise them as equal to their "normal" friends. I never saw a single thread from a man in the same position

This might also just be about men treating friends in general differently than women do. There are exceptions of course, but most men I know aren't really going to friends to cry on their shoulder in bad times, even in some metaphorical sense. They might get a beer or do something together but often they might not talk about whatever the problem is.

Wonder if he got his ride or not.

@BorderlineHappy 😂

Evening all

Well I had a nice afternoon/evening. We did have sex because I was in the mood after a couple of wines after all.

He isn't a Svengali no, we met through work (loosely) but he wasn't my boss. Old colleague's friend introduced on a night out.

He also did ask about my DC's grandparent. We didn't stay on the topic but he asked, so credit to him for that.

All feels a bit seedy when he travels all that way, books a hotel room and assumes you're going to have sex.
Hope you don't ever feel obligated to.

He isn’t your friend.

Take sex off the table and see how long he’s interested in being “friends” for.

It sounds like an awful lot of angst on your part, and that his assumptions that you'd still be happy to have sex were correct. Despite all the protesting and criticising of him this morning for thinking so.

@Isthisit22

All feels a bit seedy when he travels all that way, books a hotel room and assumes you're going to have sex. Hope you don't ever feel obligated to.

I have on occasion, because that's what he comes for isn't it? Contrary to the being 'friends'

So if I'm looking forward to him coming, looking forward to sex but then I can't be bothered or I'm not in the mood on the day I'll spur myself on to make the effort. I never regret it afterwards but yes I have on occasion felt obligated.

He isn’t your friend. Take sex off the table and see how long he’s interested in being “friends” for.

Yes it would be interesting to see.

It sounds like an awful lot of angst on your part

It can be yes, for the reason mentioned above. Our meets are planned quite far in advance so there are times that I'm just not in the mood when the day comes.

I’d ditch him and find someone local.

The obligation, spurring yourself on and having to get yourself in the mood because it’s expected is almost like an unpaid sex worker.

Do you really enjoy this set up?

The point surely of a FWB is that you benefit. Not that you put out for someone else’s benefit when you don’t fancy it.

All the forward planning seems to be a killer to any spontaneity which is surely what a FWB should be? I couldn't be bothered with all of that.
It's not sustainable and one of you will get fed up with it one day and find a partner, rather than a FWB .

It sounds like daddy issues tbh. The whole relationship/non-relationship with this man sounds very tangled up.

Daddy issues? Sorry I'm not familiar with the term.

I'm also a bit taken aback by the unpaid sex worker comparison.

I didn't think the set up was too strange, bar the age gap perhaps. People have FWB all of the time.

I do agree about the forward planning taking the spontaneity away though.

I think if I were him I would see it as a PITA as he's the one making all of the effort. If the roles were reversed then I wouldn't want to travel x amount of miles.

I have the anchor of having DC though so it wouldn't be possible even if I did want to.

To be honest I've really enjoyed the once every other month meet ups, it's something to look forward to.

A lovely dinner and drinks with somebody whos company I enjoy, plus the sex (it's the only time I've ever not fancied it and soon changed my mind) and not having to deal with the nuances of a monogamous relationship.

If I met somebody tomorrow I could call it off and there would be no hard feelings.

I was in my feelings yesterday worried about DC grandparent (who is doing better today) so I was quite touchy. I needed the distraction.

OP I’d ignore some of the more recent posts. It’s not easy to find a connection to make a decent FWB and what’s the issue with meeting in a hotel to have sex! I’d say it’s a welcome change from the humdrum. In an ideal world you’d find some local guy you can call whenever you’re spontaneously in the mood but I think life is rarely like that...

It sounds though that this episode has given you some things to think about what you really want from this guy. Boundaries seem slightly blurred, which is fine, but only if that’s what you want.

You’re in your 20s dating a much older man and never come across the term daddy issues? you want a replacement dad, that’s why it’s hurt you so much that he didn’t show you the kind of caring fatherly love you wanted when you told him your bad news.

@Teex

Daddy issues? Sorry I'm not familiar with the term.

I'm also a bit taken aback by the unpaid sex worker comparison.

I didn't think the set up was too strange, bar the age gap perhaps. People have FWB all of the time.

People have FWB all of the time.

Not really, I think it's pretty rare. Women usually are not wired the same as men to cope with just sex. We (generally) need a deeper connection. FWB rarely ever works out. It almost always ends in tears.

Also, you don't know how many other women he is sleeping with. Even if he uses a condom, I'd still get tested regularly for STIs.

I'm having sex with somebody I see as a stand in father figure? Get your mind out of the gutter

Is it not within the realms of possible that I just find older men attractive then?

How do you know I don't get regular STI screenings too, there's alot of bitchy assumption here and I suspect some projection.

Consider g that most people have had a ONS, I find the puritanical turn of this thread quite odd!

Surely it's better to have sex with a regular, reliable partner? Or at least easier.

Of course on mumsnet, you are meant to dump and immediately block on all forms of communication any man who makes a slight mistake or speaks out of turn!

Which is it, OP:

So if I'm looking forward to him coming, looking forward to sex but then I can't be bothered or I'm not in the mood on the day I'll spur myself on to make the effort. I never regret it afterwards but yes I have on occasion felt obligated.

Or

(it's the only time I've ever not fancied it and soon changed my mind)

Nothing wrong with an FWB arrangement. I've had one, it worked fine, after around 18 months we both moved on. The weirdness is having an FWB when you sometimes don't want sex, but feel obliged anyway. Combined with him being older it does start to sound a little bit like escort work. Maybe it's just that we're only seeing it from one angle, but IMO the key to an FWB arrangement is that it's fun.

You seem like two desperate people clinging to a life raft @Teex :)
Unwilling or unable to meet other people but stuck in an arrangement that 'kind of 'saves you from the angst of a 'real' relationship.

You are late 20s so presumably you met him in your early or mid 20s and I consider a big age gap is at least 15 years (I don't count 10 years as considerable.)

If you met him in your early or mid 20s, you were presumably just out of a long term relationship with your DC's dad.

So what's a nice young woman like you doing having sex 6 times a year with an older man when you could be out there meeting someone on a different footing even if you don't want a 'relationship'?

I can just about get the attraction for him - sex with a younger woman is usually an aphrodisiac for men and you are available without him having to make any real effort- but you? Nope, don't get it.