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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

239 replies

Teex · 11/10/2020 09:39

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
BewilderedDoughnut · 11/10/2020 11:30

If you want emotional support get a boyfriend!

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 11:31

I don't want a boyfriend, but next time I went support I'll post on mumsnet instead Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 11:31

Want*

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 11/10/2020 11:31

I’m not sure this so much a fuck buddy thing as insensitive bloke thing.

An in law in hospital wouldn’t necessarily put a bloke off wanting to have sex. So it didn’t occur to him it might put you off.

RationalOne · 11/10/2020 11:34

I think that the problem illustrated by some above is that one party happy with fuck buddy arrangement and the other wants a relationship so out of kilter.....

RuffleCrow · 11/10/2020 11:34

He's a man. Chances are the "friend" bit is so he gets the sex bit. It's not a genuine friendship where you spend hours discussing real problems.

Whereas for you, he's an actual friend you happen to have sex with. Or so you thought.

RationalOne · 11/10/2020 11:34

@BewilderedDoughnut

If you want emotional support get a boyfriend!
Indeed Blurring the lines
TatianaBis · 11/10/2020 11:35

Or to put it another way - don’t be surprised, in a relationship that revolves around sex, to find it revolves around sex.

SoulofanAggron · 11/10/2020 11:37

I have never had a fuck buddy because it doesn't suit me I need more but can appreciate some just want sex. Therefore, why moan when that's what is offered

@RationalOne Maybe it's the difference between a fuck 'buddy' where the 'buddy' bit is just a turn of phrase (such as they might have met on Fabswingers for the purpose of a shag) and an actual friend. Actual friends (including FWB) are supposed to act like friends and appear
caring if something bad happens to their friend.

Also, no-one is up for sex 24/7.

@Teex I know exactly what you mean/similar scenarios, I had one where I was talking about something deep (can't remember what) I finished a sentence and was waiting for him to respond and he said 'that's good now suck my cock.' So disrespectful.

Your 'F'WB's motives may be becoming transparent; that he's just interested in you for the sex. Keep an eye on how he behaves from now on and how you feel about it.

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 11:38

Points taken ladies, thank you!

As of today I intend to see him as a fuck buddy only. That's no problem for me. I just wanted some input.

I have RL friends I can lean on for support and would never have imposed my problems on him, until he spent ages wanting me to let my guard down because he saw me as a "good friend"

OP posts:
BewilderedDoughnut · 11/10/2020 11:38

Chances are the "friend" bit is so he gets the sex bit

This is spot on!! He doesn’t care what you’re going through. He’s likely been feigning interest in your life to get into your pants. Which is perfectly reasonable if he’s a FWB. If you want someone who actually gives a shit and will hold your hand when you need it you need to invest in a proper relationship.

RationalOne · 11/10/2020 11:39

@Teex

If either of us wants more out of the arrangement then it's definitely him, though he hasn't explicitly said as much (and I don't believe he wants a girlfriend either)

Things that lead me to believe this are examples like asking me to go on holiday with him, always being the one to text first (often) always being the one to plan the next hook up.

Like I say I kept him at arms length for a long time and was always breezy, if anything was going on in my life and was bothering me I wouldn't necessarily tell him about it, keeping the meet ups as fun.

It was due to his persistence in wanting to be an actual friend to me that I began to soften and ended up seeing him that way (but certainly not a boyfriend)

I'm looking forward to dinner and drinks anyway, it may well be that it cheers me up and we do end up doing the deed.

What I have taken from this though is that I probably shouldn't open up again in future and if I want to continue the arrangement then to just keep it breezy, as I did before.

You sound hurt, and surprised that you are feeling hurt. Nothing wrong with that at all since you have family worries. Maybe it has spilled over into a bit more for you now, you appear to need more emotional support from him, much like you would get from a relationship. Maybe time to sit down and reassess.

I hope things work out

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 11:39

Jesus, SoulofanAggron that's grim. What an arsehole. I'm sorry.

Did that spell the end of the arrangement for you?

OP posts:
ReallyLazy · 11/10/2020 11:42

@TatianaBis

Or to put it another way - don’t be surprised, in a relationship that revolves around sex, to find it revolves around sex.
This.

Also, saying you're gutted and worried wouldn't be an indicator to me of how upset you are. Gutted is a word flung about and worried also doesn't really describe the magnitude of the worry.

I would understand someone having mixed feelings about a childs relative from ex's side but not enough to put them off a planned night of fun. People are different though but i think YABU to think badly of him for not getting it without explaining further.

RationalOne · 11/10/2020 11:44

This made be laugh....

"Your 'F'WB's motives may be becoming transparent; that he's just interested in you for the sex. Keep an eye on how he behaves from now on and how you feel about it."

The motive is already clear from the start....sex.... it's not just 'becoming clear '....that's the point really. No problems unless one or the other needs/wants more then an imbalance.

fmlfmlfmlfm · 11/10/2020 11:45

Sounds to me that he actually wants more and is using the fwb thing as an excuse to see you but knows you don't want a boyfriend so is pretending he doesn't . I suspect he'll actually be quite supportive.

Let us know. I'm quite invested now on whether a total stranger gets a shag tonight! 😂

RationalOne · 11/10/2020 11:48

@TatianaBis

Or to put it another way - don’t be surprised, in a relationship that revolves around sex, to find it revolves around sex.
Will all my waffling, this poster sums it up so much better. It's just sex. Either that suits or it doesn't.
madcatladyforever · 11/10/2020 11:50

Cancel and tough luck he has wasted money he is an insensitive prick. No excuse for that kind of behaviour whatsoever. I wouldn't be seeing him again either.

frewer · 11/10/2020 11:51

I'm with fml .....I think.

BewilderedDoughnut · 11/10/2020 11:55

@madcatladyforever Cancel and tough luck he has wasted money he is an insensitive prick. No excuse for that kind of behaviour whatsoever. I wouldn't be seeing him again either

He doesn’t owe her emotional support! He’s her FWB. More just there for the benefits I think.

dontgobaconmyheart · 11/10/2020 11:55

I think it's just evidence of what he has invested in this really OP, which emotionally is obviously not a lot. He has converted it back to sex asap instead of taking the opportunity to 'talk' or offer support etc, which he presumably would if your 'real' life or feelings meant much to him on a deeper level.

I don't see holiday requests and the like as a sign he wants more from you than this to be honest, just that he is interested in opportunities to have a solid week of sex really/more of it. I wouldn't conflate the two or take it to mean much.

I'd just have pointed that I know we are FWB but it's a bit rude to have shrugged off something you're upset about before it messes up his plans to get the shag he needs. I don't think the problem is you..

BritWifeinUSA · 11/10/2020 11:56

Teex

I don't think wanting a bit of understanding and consideration is boyfriend level? It's basic respect imo. The fact we have sex occasionally shouldn't mean all manners and consideration goes out of the window.

I will talk to him though.

Respect works both ways, though. You only mentioned about one of your children’s grandparents being in hospital when he texted you. If you think he should have respect for you, then you should have had respect for him and contacted him first when the incident happened. All it would take is a simple text “I’m sorry to say I’m not feeling up to meeting up this weekend because...”. The fact that you didn’t mention it until promoted made him think it wasn’t a huge issue. He’s not a bloody mind-reader.

I have to say, looking at it from his side it looks like you are making excuses. If it mattered to you, you would have told him first. Especially as you somehow believe he’s a good friend and always there for you in times of crisis - surely he would have been one of the first to know when something like this happens?

Is the grandparent the person who normally looks after the children when you disappear to a hotel with him for the weekend? Is that the real issue - your childcare arrangement has gone?

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 11:59

I absolutely do not palm my children off on their elderly relatives so I can swan off to a hotel for the weekend, thank you very much.

They are with their father who despite current circumstances still wants to have them.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2020 12:08

Has no one thought that his comment about the sex was

a) supposed to cheer up the OP as she's

b) supposedly made it clear to him she's in this for the sex?

and not a lot else?

It seems to me he was trying to help her in the way she expects- with his penis! :)

veraismyspiritanimal · 11/10/2020 12:10

As of today I intend to see him as a fuck buddy only. That's no problem for me. I just wanted some input.

So did he....

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