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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

239 replies

Teex · 11/10/2020 09:39

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 11/10/2020 10:09

Oh and I'd bet that if sex was entirely off the agenda, he wouldn't be friends with you. Sorry

LagunaBubbles · 11/10/2020 10:09

Sex is definitely a large part of the relationship yes, but given the facts we were also (what he calls) good friends - I'm a bit stumped

But sex changes everything once its involved whether you like it or not. I have a few good friends who are male but I don't sleep with them. Therefore I could talk to them about emotional issues with no expectations of sex. But this isn't the same with a FWB.

Oxyiz · 11/10/2020 10:10

Him changing the subject tells you everything. Unfortunately he is not really your friend. He is a friendly person who you happen to have sex with. If you told him you didn't want sex again, the "friendship" would vanish in an instant.

BorderlineHappy · 11/10/2020 10:14

Im reading that you think its a FWB but you actually want him to act like a boyfriend in this instance.

I think the time to cancel was when you spoke or knew when the ex inlaw was in hospital.

You should have cancelled yesterday.Not wait till the fella had already travelled.You want more than what hes willing to give.Maybe its time to finish with him,and find a buddy closeer to home.

toffeekiwi · 11/10/2020 10:14

YABU because to him you are a person he has sex with without any of the complications. I suspect that you are the one making it into a relationship when it's actually an affair.

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 10:18

I most certainly don't see him as a boyfriend or want a fully fledged relationship, infact he has been far more invested than I ever have.

I will accept that me wanting him to be a friend today without the benefits does blur things.

If we hadn't known each other for years and both provided support and advice at times of crisis then I wouldn't be taken aback by this today though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 10:20

It's not an affair in the sense of carrying on behind people's backs. Neither of us are in a relationship/married.

It's just two people who get along and occasionally have sex with no commitment expected on either side.

OP posts:
Frdd · 11/10/2020 10:23

@Teex

It's not an affair in the sense of carrying on behind people's backs. Neither of us are in a relationship/married.

It's just two people who get along and occasionally have sex with no commitment expected on either side.

But you are expecting a boyfriend level of commitment in this instance.

You need to talk to him.

Veterinari · 11/10/2020 10:27

How about you stop judging him and meet up. He may be ultra-sympathetic in person. You seem to have written him off for not responding exactly how you want him to in a situation where you've given him pretty limited info.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/10/2020 10:29

If we hadn't known each other for years and both provided support and advice at times of crisis then I wouldn't be taken aback by this today though.

I don’t think it’s just different expectations of the friendship - I think it’s different definitions of ‘times of crisis’. I remember finding out my cousin’s ex-MIL was terminally ill. Of course it was sad news, and particularly for his daughter, who would be losing her gran. But I can’t say I thought ‘We must all rally around Dave in this time of crisis’.

Honestly, if I was in his shoes and genuinely saw you as a friend, I’d probably understand you might want to talk about how this will affect your children (depending on their ages), but I wouldn’t think it was a game-changing scenario.

Leylafrenchie · 11/10/2020 10:29

He’s travelled up for a laugh and sex... of course he’s still going to want to have sex.

You are asking for a level of commitment today that’s beyond a fwb situation

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 10:29

I don't think wanting a bit of understanding and consideration is boyfriend level? It's basic respect imo. The fact we have sex occasionally shouldn't mean all manners and consideration goes out of the window.

I will talk to him though.

OP posts:
nolovelost · 11/10/2020 10:30

To get this right...he travelled up yesterday, or this morning? I think if you weren't interested in sex he would have appreciated the option of coming over or not.

I think when he got onto the subject of sex pretty quickly was probably because he was testing/wanting you to confirm whether you were up for it, so maybe you should have been honest with him then.

Shooglywheel · 11/10/2020 10:32

If he’s a friend for sex then he is just that. You shouldn’t expect him to be there for emotional support, otherwise you’d be in a relationship together.

Frdd · 11/10/2020 10:32

@Teex

I don't think wanting a bit of understanding and consideration is boyfriend level? It's basic respect imo. The fact we have sex occasionally shouldn't mean all manners and consideration goes out of the window.

I will talk to him though.

But the person is an ex mil or fil. It’s not an actual relation of yours - and if you said you were a bit gutted that’s not clear.

Most people walk away emotionally to a degree from in laws when the relationship ends. And whilst it’s sad for your child, at the end of the day that person will more than likely be putting blood relationships first and you’re not that.

I’m sorry you’re upset though.

Washimal · 11/10/2020 10:33

This is what always happens with FWB. The lines get blurred and people have different expectations

Generally, FWB only works long term if you can both take the emotion out of it. This is hard to do if you're used to supporting each other "in times of crisis" because it sets up an expectation that you're responsible for each other in a way. This is why IMO it doesn't make sense to have casual sex with someone who isn't a casual friend.

Oxyiz · 11/10/2020 10:34

Well you'll find out when you tell him.

I think its inevitable but a bit silly to have built this into a deeper relationship in your mind.

He cares about you because it affects his sex life, that's all, and thats why he messages the way he did.

BorderlineHappy · 11/10/2020 10:34

I don't think wanting a bit of understanding and consideration is boyfriend level? It's basic respect imo. The fact we have sex occasionally shouldn't mean all manners and consideration goes out of the window.

It is though.He doesnt want that.Hes not somebody you can unload to like that.

If you moved,you dont have the same connection because you dont interact as often as you did.

Do you have friends that you can get support from.
Go and have dinner,and see if you want sex as well.Maybe you need some distraction.

MrsBobDylan · 11/10/2020 10:36

If you both really cared about each other, you'd either commit via a proper friendship or a proper relationship - something in between isn't viable or real.

MrsBobDylan · 11/10/2020 10:37

When I was young, a FWB was known as a casual shag, which is what this is op.

Zilla1 · 11/10/2020 10:37

YANBU, there's a minimum level of understanding from even an acquaintance, let alone one you've been intimate with, and this looks like it fell below that low level. Even if he sees your FWB as a means to an end, he was rude. There seem few circumstances in which a sexual description should immediately follow what you said.

bethany39 · 11/10/2020 10:37

"I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit."

This is what a boyfriend is for. To be blunt, he is not your boyfriend and is not interested in being.

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2020 10:38

Maybe although you said it. As these are your ex in laws he might not have really appreciated how devastated you were and how close you remain to them.

It’s not clear if you’d still be meeting up if it wasn’t for the sex. Ie if you stopped the fwb element would you still meet up as friends.

It does appear you wanted him to meet you but as a friend. However I’m not sure you fully communicated that initially.

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 10:39

I can completely see what you are all saying.

The thing is though it as always been him saying he's "there for me" and "if ever I need to talk then he's there" and how he sees me as a good friend regardless of sex.

Up until the past year or so I would never mention if anything was less than rosy.

He was keen to put alot of emphasis on the fact that we are "good friends" and how he's there for me if ever anything is wrong.

OP posts:
veraismyspiritanimal · 11/10/2020 10:39

He doesn't want to meet you for a chat and a meal. He wants to meet you for no strings sex. If you aren't in the mood to do that you should let him know and cancel