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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

239 replies

Teex · 11/10/2020 09:39

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Carlislemumof4 · 11/10/2020 12:14

To learn he is much older is no surprise.

This sounds purely about the opportunity for sex with a much younger woman for him, worth feigning some interest in your life plus spending money on hotels to keep the arrangement going. Offering to pay for a holiday for more sex as pp said.

You are probably not the only younger woman he has this arrangement with, if that (or the health risks) doesn't bother you fair enough.

MadameMeursault · 11/10/2020 12:16

I think there might be some over-thinking going on here. I reckon he’s just not completely sure of the situation, probably feels a bit awkward as it’s your ex’s family, and thinks he’ll cheer you up in the usual way. He’s probably not that great at the emotional stuff. Have dinner switch him, talk about the I’ll person, and see what his reaction is. And tell him you don’t feel like sex, and see what his reaction is to that.mi think seeing what he says IRL will be more telling on what the future of this arrangement is.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2020 12:16

OP do you really communicate with this chap?

Re-reading your posts it seems he can't do right for doing wrong in your eyes.

you are at pains to stress you had to hold him back as a friend - he was pushing for more earlier on.

But now when he is offering you sex and thinks that should please you, you are all uppity as he's not being 'feeling' enough.

You can't have it both ways. I get the impression he would be up for a relationship if you were, and it's you who has blurred things by your behaviour .

If you just want sex can't you find someone closer so they don't have to pay to see you and book hotels? It all sounds a bit sad and sleazy- sorry.

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 12:17

Yes the age difference is sizable and one of the main reasons i wouldn't consider anything more than FWB.

The health risks are minimal as we use protection plus I'm on contraception, so no worries there.

He may well have this arrangement with others too, I don't know. I do know he isn't in a serious relationship though. I'd often go to his house before i moved and he's openly single on social media.

OP posts:
NeonGenesis · 11/10/2020 12:17

I wouldn't read too much into it. Text conversations are fraught with misunderstanding like this.

See how he is in person when you meet him. Tell him you're concerned about this relative and then see how he responds. Judge him based off his in person behaviour, not his texts. If over dinner he dismisses your feelings and starts talking dirty, THEN you have a problem.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2020 12:18

why is everyone blaming the man?

he wanted more initially and the OP had to hold him off - she just wanted the sex.

Now when he's offering sex, everyone is criticising him.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2020 12:20

Why do you want to carry on having sex with a much older man who lives miles away?

what is much older- 20 years, 30 years?

why not look for someone younger and closer and be a cougar if all you want is a shag?

IncandescentSilver · 11/10/2020 12:21

Maybe he's trying to cheer you up?

I think he isn't really part of your life, so he hasn't really taken in what this person's illness means to you. Ie he isn't involved in your life enough to get it.

Feefifo9 · 11/10/2020 12:26

Your expectations are unreasonable. Good friend, emotional intimacy plus sex is basically the definition of a boyfriend.

Griselda1 · 11/10/2020 12:33

It reminds me of the messaging released after the death of Jim Carey's ex girlfriend. She told him a tale of anguish and distress and he replied by asking if she'd thought about his dick that day. It's almost a Mars/Venus scenario and I thought it summarised so much in male/female relations.

redvest · 11/10/2020 12:33

He doesn't sound much of a friend, if you are reluctant to paint things as constantly rosy in your life. A true friend loves you through thick and thin. Hes shallow imo

redvest · 11/10/2020 12:35

He doesn't sound much of a friend, if you are reluctant to paint things as anything but constantly rosy in your life. A true friend loves you through thick and thin. He's shallow imo

JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2020 12:35

I just don't get this. You see him around 6 x a year. Yet get all upset he is not invested enough in your former in-laws' health. Yet you consider him too old for a relationship and not right as a partner. Take a long hard look at yourself and what you are giving and wanting.

Coffeeandbeans · 11/10/2020 12:35

FWB are not really friends though. They are fuck buddies who you happen to get on with like a friend but they are not a friend. If it was a boyfriend I would say he was unreasonable. But he isn’t a boyfriend and his visit is about sex. Lots of blokes will listen like a friend and behave like a friend if they get a shag out if it. I think you want a boyfriend op.

JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2020 12:36

@redvest He is a fuck buddy not a boyfriend.

Carlislemumof4 · 11/10/2020 12:42

@Teex

Yes the age difference is sizable and one of the main reasons i wouldn't consider anything more than FWB.

The health risks are minimal as we use protection plus I'm on contraception, so no worries there.

He may well have this arrangement with others too, I don't know. I do know he isn't in a serious relationship though. I'd often go to his house before i moved and he's openly single on social media.

I was thinking of the health risks involved with the current pandemic as well as STDs.

Particularly as you have DCs, you're surprisingly casual about hooking up with this older guy who's travelling in from out of area and whose close contacts you have no idea of. Even more so if you are planning to visit your DCs ill elderly grandparents (or your DCs are with their Dad), not a close contact risk I'd be taking.

Twillow · 11/10/2020 12:45

I think that now you live further apart, he is more invested in the sex when you meet, whereas when you were geographically closer he didn't mind just meeting up only for dinner.
My guess is if this is now your pattern, you maybe should have been more clear that you were in the mood for sympathy not sex. Men do seem to need this spelled out to them.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/10/2020 12:48

Why do you want to carry on having sex with a much older man who lives miles away? what is much older- 20 years, 30 years? why not look for someone younger and closer and be a cougar if all you want is a shag?

Because someone might ask the younger man why he wants to sleep with ‘some old woman with kids’?

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 12:51

I'm not that old, late 20's.

I'm not attracted to younger men though so the cougar life wouldn't be for me.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 11/10/2020 12:54

Good grief!

I'd been reading this OP as if you were at least mid-40s or older. I assumed this was a guy in his 60s or older.

You sound a lot older or maybe not- maybe just confused.

Just drop him, get a boyfriend nearer your own age. Why would you want to be bothered with all of this- seeing a chap 6 x a year for sex- when there are loads of men out there who could perhaps offer you great sex and emotional support.

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 12:59

I do see your points.

The reason it carried on after I moved is because he was keen to, I enjoy his company and enjoy myself so thought why not. It wasn't a faff on my end as he comes to me.

I'm happily single and not looking for a serious relationship at the moment. I like my own space, just me and the kids. Having a FWB I see every so often slotted in nicely.

I will reconsider the longevity of the arrangement.

OP posts:
Berline · 11/10/2020 13:09

Fwb is just a word for two casual mates who'd have nothing to do with each other if one of them-usually the male- did not derive material or sexual fulfillment out of it. Think cocklodger/gigolo.

You are expecting relationship level of care here, the fact is fwb's never turn into relationships because two single people who are into each other date.
If they do, because of accidental pregnancy by way of example, they never end well because if a guy's into you he'd be really keen for you to be his partner from the off. These fwb's turned relationships become bitter as one party knows the other is only there out of convenience or duty.
You're just convenient, sorry.
Find someone else to have a relationship with and forget this guy.

AToBiba · 11/10/2020 13:12

But you are expecting a boyfriend level of commitment in this instance.

Really? Some acknowledgement and sympathy is a boyfriend level of commitment?! If the woman at the post office told me someone she cared about had been taken into hospital I would have the basic decency to listen to her.

But then I wouldn't be thinking "Yaaay, I'm about to have sex!!" so I wouldn't be as distracted...

Whatsthefuss · 11/10/2020 13:17

Find someone else to have a relationship with and forget this guy
OP doesn’t want a relationship 🙄 that’s why this FWB arrangement has worked for her in the past.

@Teex - I am sorry to hear about your DC’s relative.
I hope the evening with FWB works out okay. Maybe have a chat with him about what you are both looking for with this arrangement going forward.

Busybrain2020 · 11/10/2020 13:27

He's a creep and has acted like the creep he is.