I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

[Teex]

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

Ahhh OP,

Some people are spectacularly missing the point here.

In answer to your original question- since sidetracked by a lot of projection and unpleasantness IMO- I would say your friend didn’t behave well in the example you gave.

Of course it’s not normal to respond to someone’s bad news with sexual talk. The fact it was your ex-IL makes no odds.

It reminds me of a previous partner who sent me a sexually explicit message off the back of me telling him I’d been unwell that day with gastroenteritis. My initial reaction was to think he was totally tone deaf and inappropriate. Who wants to read that after throwing their guts up all night?!

Anyway, this was one of many ill-timed and misinformed things he did during the course of our relationship. Needless to say it didn’t last.

I suppose the upshot is that if they don’t behave like a friend

...then they’re not a friend to you. So proceed with caution

I think people are unnecessarily hardline about this FWB boundaries thing sometimes.

I don't think its unreasonable that just because you're not in a committed relationship with someone that you might expect them to be vaguely considerate.

I get that FWB doesn't work when it tips over into emotional dependency and one person needs commitment, but I don't think that precludes the possibility for the person to be sensitive to your needs and respectful of you.

I've been in FWB situations (never "officially" but in practice) with people who were friends and who I cared deeply about and vice versa but there were reasons why it would never have worked in a settled relationship. I never had the expectation that I could spend the night crying on their shoulder or offload my deepest fears to them but that doesn't mean I expect the sex to be totally functional and without any expression of affection or care. Relationships are complex and there are grey areas.

I think this in this particular instance its more down to his being a bit tactless and insensitive and not realising how upset you were. I might take a raincheck on this occasion I don't think that means you necessarily need to forego the FWB forever.

Thank you to the above posters.

I must say I'm slightly bewildered that some seem to think having a FWB means you owe the other party zero compassion or kindness. Virtual strangers deserve at least that.

Generally people tend to give a shit about the people they're sleeping with (yes to varying degrees) and if they don't, well, the FWB is a bit of a bastard aren't they and shouldn't be sleeping with the other party at all.

I don't know what type of FWB arrangements some on here have had, but I tend not to lay down with somebody i despise.

I must say I'm slightly bewildered that some seem to think having a FWB means you owe the other party zero compassion or kindness. Virtual strangers deserve at least that.

He didn't have zero compassion.
In the first text (and it was a text not a chat - you can't compare a text with a conversation even with strangers) - he said he was sorry.

Maybe it's because he didn't want to engage with the fact you had former in-laws (not sure if they really are and if you were married) but whichever, that's all in your past to a large extent and he won't want to dwell on that.

Not exactly sure what response you expected in a text?
At most, I'd expect a 'Oh do hope he'll be okay' and leave it at that till the meeting.
That's as much as you'd get from a stranger. You appear to want him to be more invested in you and your emotions than he is.

The point is, he's coming to you for sex. Okay, you have dinner and some conversation, but he can get that anywhere with a real 'friend' without the sex.

As an older man shagging a much younger woman, he wants the sex. That for him will be the ego boost.

Don't underestimate how much older men like to have their egos boosted by a young woman happy to meet them and have sex when the woman has the pick of much younger men. For him, shagging you is much better than looking for a 50 year old.

Do you phone and text in between the meetings for sex?

Maybe you need to start accepting that the friendship part of the FWB is mainly in your head and the benefits are what he's seeing you for.

And sorry but condoms do not protect from all STIs.
You can still get herpes and warts. Condoms do not cover the entire genital area and herpes can be spread without you knowing at the time. And you can also get HPV .

JinglingHellsBells

"The point is, he's coming to you for sex. Okay, you have dinner and some conversation, but he can get that anywhere with a real 'friend' without the sex."

He is coming for sex, and they're not in a committed relationship but I don't get the attitude that if you're not in a relationship you can't exercise a bit of basic emotional intelligence.

It's not about expectations or commitment really, it's just jarring and tone deaf to make a sexually explicit suggestion shortly after someone's expressed concern about a sick family member. It's not conducive to a sexual discussion and would just make me a bit icky to segue straight from that to a come on.

But he did say he was sorry in his text. And he did ask about the man when they met. It's not like he ignored it.

In his head he thinks Teex= sex. That's what it's all about for him.

Maybe he was a bit insensitive.

If this is a one-off in all the time they have known each other it doesn't seem a huge issue.

The point is, does Teex want to end it because of this, or not?

Has she told him she felt it was insensitive?

I think she came to MN to offload as this incident made her wake up to the fact he is there for the benefits more than the friendship and it's been a bit of a shock.

@thepeopleversuswork Did you read this part?

He also did ask about my DC's grandparent. We didn't stay on the topic but he asked, so credit to him for that.

He did say he was sorry to hear about DS grandparent via text, he also asked about them when we met.

I think you're right about this part Jingling

I think she came to MN to offload as this incident made her wake up to the fact he is there for the benefits more than the friendship and it's been a bit of a shock.

For the past 18 months or so I have seen him as more of a friend than a fuck, whereas the replies here have made me suspect he sees me as a fuck before a friend.

He has text me plenty since going home (none of it sexual) which then makes me second guess myself.

@teex If you lost him out of your life tomorrow and he said he'd met someone and it was potentially serious how would you feel on a scale of 1 to 10?

10=gutted
5=okay by me, would miss him a bit but not for long
1- absolutely okay and don't really care.

Also ask yourself

what am I getting out of this?
what's he getting out of it?
Is it the same or different?

If I met someone else tomorrow would I feel

1 Great and happy to tell my FWB it was over
2 A bit sad as I do like him, it's just our ages that are incompatible
3 Not give him a backward glance.

Finally although I had relationships with older men, I do think a 20+ year age gap is a bit odd for FWB. He must have something that keeps you seeing him but is it the emotional input / connection of the wonderful sex?

What do you think keeps him coming back for more?

Op, I think some posters have been a bit strange.

I think his quick linking to sex was tactless. I also don’t understand why so many seem to think you must be dying for a relationship with him.

Him being tactless and also you suspecting that he’s much more focused on the sex than the friendship would be a bit surprising - especially if you felt he was slightly trying to dupe you with insincere protestations of friendship which you felt were unnecessary. That’s irritating and disappointing without meaning you want a relationship with him.

Glad you had a good time!

I don't think wanting a bit of understanding and consideration is boyfriend level? It's basic respect imo

I totally agree with this OP that respect and consideration are just the basics of human decency, and the lack of both would be enough to turn me off completely.

If you met for dinner didn't have sec and he didn't mention sex then he may have redeemed himself.

I've had a similar situation myself the difference with me being I hit the roof off the bat. I assume the message was received 😂

Don't understand some of the responses here. You're a grown woman who enjoys the odd weekend of fun with someone you can trust. Who cares about the age difference, as long as you are both upfront about expectations then crack on! Yes he was insensitive but so can all of us be over text where we can't read the persons body language. I'm glad you had a good night OP, I had the same kind of arrangement in my 20s and I'd rather have done that than ons.