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AIBU?

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Original poster

I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

239 replies

Teex · 11/10/2020 09:39

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Alonely1 · 13/10/2020 10:22

My friend is in a fwb thing with an older man . I just think she is storing up hurt . He kisses / sleep with other people behind her back . No one quite gets the ‘relationship’.

Requinblanc · 13/10/2020 10:40

I am sorry to be blunt, but what else do you expect?

A FBW is just a convenient, sexual arrangement which is simply a bit more long term/established than casual sex encounters.

If you want emotional support you need a proper friend or a proper relationship...

You and this guy might be outwardly friendly but he is not here for your friendship. The main appeal is sex. So of course he won't be here for you when things get tough.

Cantbreathe2020 · 13/10/2020 10:42

@BritWifeinUSA

Teex

I don't think wanting a bit of understanding and consideration is boyfriend level? It's basic respect imo. The fact we have sex occasionally shouldn't mean all manners and consideration goes out of the window.

I will talk to him though.

Respect works both ways, though. You only mentioned about one of your children’s grandparents being in hospital when he texted you. If you think he should have respect for you, then you should have had respect for him and contacted him first when the incident happened. All it would take is a simple text “I’m sorry to say I’m not feeling up to meeting up this weekend because...”. The fact that you didn’t mention it until promoted made him think it wasn’t a huge issue. He’s not a bloody mind-reader.

I have to say, looking at it from his side it looks like you are making excuses. If it mattered to you, you would have told him first. Especially as you somehow believe he’s a good friend and always there for you in times of crisis - surely he would have been one of the first to know when something like this happens?

Is the grandparent the person who normally looks after the children when you disappear to a hotel with him for the weekend? Is that the real issue - your childcare arrangement has gone?

Is the grandparent the person who normally looks after the children when you disappear to a hotel with him for the weekend? Is that the real issue - your childcare arrangement has gone?

How DARE you?!?!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/10/2020 10:45

Eh?

Cantbreathe2020 · 13/10/2020 10:48

@JinglingHellsBells

You seem like two desperate people clinging to a life raft *@Teex* :) Unwilling or unable to meet other people but stuck in an arrangement that 'kind of 'saves you from the angst of a 'real' relationship.

You are late 20s so presumably you met him in your early or mid 20s and I consider a big age gap is at least 15 years (I don't count 10 years as considerable.)

If you met him in your early or mid 20s, you were presumably just out of a long term relationship with your DC's dad.

So what's a nice young woman like you doing having sex 6 times a year with an older man when you could be out there meeting someone on a different footing even if you don't want a 'relationship'?

I can just about get the attraction for him - sex with a younger woman is usually an aphrodisiac for men and you are available without him having to make any real effort- but you? Nope, don't get it.

What on EARTH are you banging on about?! You have just invented a load of baseless nonsense about the OP there! Give your head a shake!!!!!
Cantbreathe2020 · 13/10/2020 10:54

@Teex
OP please ignore the jackanory fiction being created about your perfectly acceptable arrangement by some posters on this thread. Some people enjoy hiding behind a keyboard and projecting nonsense and performing autopsies on the entire lives of any OP who posts about...well, anything at all really!

You could post a thread about a tiff you've had with your husband and before you know it, your entire marriage is being debated about.

It's really quite sad and worrying

Kalula · 13/10/2020 11:25

@IncandescentSilver Consider g that most people have had a ONS, I find the puritanical turn of this thread quite odd!

Really? I'm far from puritanical but I doubt half, let alone most, people have had a ONS.

JinglingHellsBells · 13/10/2020 11:34

@Cantbreathe2020 Just because someone has a different opinion to you, doesn't mean you are right or that I need to give my head a shake, any more than I'd tell you to shake yours.

My opinion is just as valid and perhaps a tad more insightful. But I can't help that Grin

JinglingHellsBells · 13/10/2020 11:36

Also, @Cantbreathe2020 It's not baseless nonsense in terms of the age gap and the history of the 'relationship'.

Have you even read the whole thread before you chipped in?

Original poster
Teex · 13/10/2020 11:49

Ok you got me, I'm a prostitute Hmm

How rude and catty are some of thesr posters. Who'd have thought it, somebody having a preference for older men without having 'daddy issues'

OP posts:
FatBottomedGurl · 13/10/2020 11:51

OP, I think you come across as mature, reasonable, openminded and realistic about this relationship (I use the term in reference to the connection, not in the romantic sense). I think you are getting a lot of grief and being pushed to look at the situation in a projected light, that is not your own.

You are correct, many people have FWB. Its incredibly prolific in the 20s/30s age category as people very often have neither the time nor the inclination for a full on romantic relationship. I don't think you should be shamed or judged for having a clear view in your own mind as to what you are seeking in terms of adult connection.

It sounds to me like this is a mature connection, where both of your boundaries are fairly clear, and that they have been re-drawn during over the years as required. Continue doing what makes you happy in life, and sod what other people thinks - the "daddy issue" ilk and the older generations who cannot envisage such a relationship are out of place to have an unbiased opinion on this one.

Noitjustwontdo · 13/10/2020 11:53

He isn’t really a friend, he just wants to fuck you when it suits him. He’s a fuck buddy, he isn’t interested in your problems. Sorry to be blunt but I wouldn’t expect support from him in future and I’d personally stop shagging him too.

Asterion · 13/10/2020 11:55

So what's a nice young woman like you doing having sex 6 times a year with an older man when you could be out there meeting someone on a different footing even if you don't want a 'relationship'?

The 1950s called, they want their closed-mind, petty morality back.

seayork2020 · 13/10/2020 11:55

So you are with this bloke for sex (yea you have mentioned other things but you keep him separate) so seem seem surprised this is what he is expecting because this is the main thing he is in your life for? If not why the need to keep him separate?

seayork2020 · 13/10/2020 11:58

Added - I do get FWB even if I was single, but then I would take it as sex first and other things in addition, so accept each other for what you do get fine perfectly ok.

If you are looking for something different dont do it

seayork2020 · 13/10/2020 12:00

Sorry 'if I was single' that should have said

Chanjer · 13/10/2020 12:02

Expect anything more than benefits from a fwb and you've gone wrong somewhere

Asterion · 13/10/2020 12:05

@Chanjer

Expect anything more than benefits from a fwb and you've gone wrong somewhere
This is key, in that you've "gone wrong" by expecting more from an arrangement that isn't built for that.
JinglingHellsBells · 13/10/2020 12:22

Who'd have thought it, somebody having a preference for older men without having 'daddy issues'

But the preference for an older man only goes so far.

You said upthread that the reason you don't want a relationship is that there is a considerable age gap.

Original poster
Teex · 13/10/2020 12:31

I wouldn't want to settle down with a much older man no, however I do find them attractive and enjoy the experience/sex.

If I want to meet a partner/husband at some point then they'd need to be slightly closer to my own age than this chap for it to work. Many reasons.

I'm late 20's and he's 50, we're both consenting adults. Nothing sinister going on.

OP posts:
Shortfeet · 13/10/2020 12:36

I think it's quite a nice arrangement and I totally get why you were a bit taken aback at his somewhat uncaring response to your sad news

JinglingHellsBells · 13/10/2020 13:18

He must be amazing in bed or something for you to hang on in there for your 6 sessions a year :) I just couldn't be bothered to expend as much emotional energy on it and posting on a forum for a FWB/ FB.

He clearly thinks he's died and gone to heaven to have you willing to meet him in a hotel for sex and all he has to do is turn up. How many others is he doing it with?

JKRforPM · 13/10/2020 13:30

There’s an awful lot of naivety from some of the responses here, and I don’t think that anyone putting rose tinted glasses on this arrangement is helping the OP.

StamfordHill · 13/10/2020 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
Teex · 13/10/2020 14:50

No idea if he's seeing other people, I'm not bothered if he is because we are both free to.

The risk to my sexual health is zero as I'm on long term contraception and we use condoms. The risk of covid (as somebody mentioned that upthread) is negligible because I've already had it, mildly, and have antibodies.

If government rules change so that him travelling over is prohibited then we will of course comply with that.

In hindsight I think PP's were right about him switching the conversation to sex to see if I was still up for it or not, just not very tactful.

OP posts:
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