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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

239 replies

Teex · 11/10/2020 09:39

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 09:43

Anybody who feels IABU please let me know why, I'd like to hear opinions

OP posts:
Veterinari · 11/10/2020 09:43

Neither of you. It sounds like a communication issue. Many people use sex as a feel-good distraction from stress. He may assume that you want to be distracted from your worries and he wants to make you feel good. If what you want is just to vent then you need to tell him that. He's simply basing his expectations on your pre-agreed plan.

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 11/10/2020 09:44

To give him the benefit of the doubt perhaps over text it didn't come across how worried you were about the situation? (I might be being overly generous to him here as I didn't see how it was all written).

GoldfishParade · 11/10/2020 09:45

He is not your boyfriend and it sounds like hes not even your friend.

He is your fuck buddy and when he travels up to see you it is to have a laugh and sex. He is maybe a little insensitive but having said that if the person in question is a relative of your ex then maybe he doesnt realise that you would be feeling this worried as it's not like your own relative

Veterinari · 11/10/2020 09:45

Also you say it's a relative of your ex-partners. For many people that wouldn't be considered a close family member so he may have no idea how upset you are.

fmlfmlfmlfm · 11/10/2020 09:45

It's clear that your trip is for a sexual nature despite the niceties of drinks and dinner surrounding it I'm sure he'll want to be a shoulder to cry on but will want sex too I would imagine. Whilst you're obviously under no obligation.. I think if you just have the shoulder to cry on whilst he will be sympathetic probably will end your set up. Can you say you're not feeling particularly in the mood but some comfort will probably make you change your mind? X

Frdd · 11/10/2020 09:48

This is what always happens with FWB. The lines get blurred and people have different expectations.

Neither of you are unreasonable it’s just different views of what the “relationship” is.

Plus, if it’s someone to do with your ex, he might not realise you’re upset.

ArnieLinson · 11/10/2020 09:48

You see him as a friend first.
He sees your friendship as a means to an end.

Could it be time to realise that having him around in this capacity is holding you back from meeting a genuine partner?

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 09:48

Thank you for the replies, I appreciate the perspectives and will consider things here.

The person in hospital is my children's grandparent and while it is not my immediate family it is theirs and I'm close to both grandparents.

OP posts:
Savemyusername01 · 11/10/2020 09:49

I think you should cancel and tell him you’re not up for it. Tbf the arrangement was for sex.

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 09:52

I don't think the arrangement is stopping me meeting an actual partner as I'm not looking for that at the moment. We've spoken before about how we'd stop meeting in the event that either of us did meet somebody we wanted a relationship with but it hasn't happened yet.

Sex is definitely a large part of the relationship yes, but given the facts we were also (what he calls) good friends - I'm a bit stumped.

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 11/10/2020 09:55

Can you make it clear that you aren't up for sex tonight? Then he can either visit as a friend or decide it's not worth it without the benefits?

GoldfishParade · 11/10/2020 09:55

Why dont you just be upfront with him? You dont have much to lose. just text him and say sorry, I'm not feeling playful right now because I'm actually really close to this person despite them not being a blood relative. See what he says

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 09:57

He's already in the city now, due to go for dinner at 4pm.

I will let him know now that I'm not feeling playful (well put btw)

We'll see how he responds.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 11/10/2020 09:58

I think you need to temper your expectations OP. The arrangement you had made was clearly for sex (with dinner etc). The fact that your ex-partners parent is unwell doesn't automatically change your entirely separate arrangement with your FWB. Have you actually communicated how you feel to him or are you annoyed because he hasn't magically read your mind? He isn't your partner and cannot be expected to know how you feel unless you tell him.

If you're planning on meeting him anyway then why not just keep an open mind rather than deciding up front no sex? You might find it a pleasant distraction from your worries

ColintheCrow · 11/10/2020 09:58

I think he should have been more sensitive rather than treating you like a wanksock

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 10:01

He does know I'm upset, the words I used were "I'm absolutely gutted. So worried"

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/10/2020 10:02

Sex is definitely a large part of the relationship yes, but given the facts we were also (what he calls) good friends - I'm a bit stumped.

Of course you’re not unreasonable to say you’re not in the mood for sex, but I’m not sure why you’re ‘stumped’. It’s your ex MIL/FIL - I can see why he didn’t automatically assume it was crisis time.

GoldfishParade · 11/10/2020 10:02

Well that's quite disappointing then. If you're meeting at 4 I guess it's too late to cancel. Just go for the dinner as a friend but leave afterwards?

Original poster
Teex · 11/10/2020 10:03

I can understand that, except for the fact he knows we are close and how big a part they play in my DC's lives.

I was far from nonchalant when I told him.

OP posts:
LiveFromHome · 11/10/2020 10:04

You see him as a friend with benefits.

He sees you as a friend with benefits.

We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield

Maybe you saw each other more and met more often too before you moved for they afield. Hence why there was more "just dinner".

Now you've moved and meeting up involves some more expense and effort, it's clear that his motivation in meeting you is for sex.

I don't think he's done anything wrong. You each have a different emphasis on which part of the FWB is life important to each of you.

lioncitygirl · 11/10/2020 10:05

The arrangement is for sex most of the time. He’s coming to meet you. He assumes for the same thing. He’s not connected in anyway to your kids grandparent. He’s there for you. Sorry - it sounds you expect a lot more of his than just a fwb. Sorry to hear about ill relative.

formerbabe · 11/10/2020 10:06

You see him as a friend first
He sees your friendship as a means to an end

This

CreamCabbages · 11/10/2020 10:08

Friends with benefits arrangements are about having sex. That’s the ‘benefits’ part, otherwise it would just be a friendship.

He does sound as though he was a little insensitive in his texts. In saying that, unless you tell him, he would have no reason to think that meeting up for sex is not the main purpose of his trip. If you don’t feel like it, you could cancel. Even at short notice, it’s your prerogative.

TBH, it sounds like this arrangement has run it’s course for you.

Veterinari · 11/10/2020 10:09

@Teex

I can understand that, except for the fact he knows we are close and how big a part they play in my DC's lives.

I was far from nonchalant when I told him.

That still doesn't mean you don't want sex. He may we'll use sex as an escape when he's upset an might assume you do too. You seem to expect him to know that being upset=no sex despite not telling him this, then being even more upset he's not a mind reader.

If you want any relationship to work, you need to be able to communicate

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