I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

[Teex]

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

Thecats, but don't forget the F(friend) in FWB. I know lines are blurred but would any friend follow 'my child's grandparent may be dying' with some variant of 'I think position number 324 tonight'?

bethany39

"I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit."

This is what a boyfriend is for. To be blunt, he is not your boyfriend and is not interested in being.

I’d say this is what a friend is for. I have male (and female) friends I don’t shag who I’d do this with.

If you see him as a great friend and you say hes attractive and you really enjoy the sex, then the question is why dont you see him as boyfriend material?

If you really value him as a friend then maybe its time to remove the sex element and find sex closer to home and keep him as a mate. The question is if you removed the sex, would he still want to be your friend?

Neither of you are unreasonable.

Real friends do the caring, fuck buddy's do the fucking and you have kind of mixed the two up.

If he was your boyfriend or husband he would be unreasonable but he is a sex mate so he isn't.

Possibly, we'll see.

I haven't ruled out sex I'm just really not in the mood at the moment. If that changes after dinner then great. I'm paying today (he did last time) so if he doesn't get his leg over then he's not completely out of pocket.

I think you both have blurred boundaries.

FWB is just really sex with someone you know rather than a shag or one night night stand in my opinion.

All the stuff about being good friends and needing support is what a relationship amounts to.

Be honest with what you want both with yourself and this chap.

He probably travels because he has a partner and there's less chance of you 2 meeting if it's not on his doorstep. If you know it's just for sex then please listen to yourself, he might be friendly or whatever, but that doesn't seem like his primary motivation.

Fuck buddy is there for sexual needs. That's the thing really, people with sex without the drama or worries, strain etc if a relationship. Free sex no hassle

Relationships for much more support, love etc.

Why do you have sex, see him as someone to support you and yet not want a relationship? From what you say he ticks enough boxes for what most people would consider relationship material.

He was insensitive, however he doesn’t care about you other than for what you can offer, I’m sorry to say.

You’re not wrong for feeling put out, because you see him a friend. The problem is however (and one of the first posters hit the nail on the head) he sees you first and foremost as a but if fun, over and above anything else, including a friend.

He acknowledged the situation but swiftly moved in to his needs and desires which tell me that he really doesn’t value you or your friendship in the way you do.

It’s harsh but a FWB is a polite way of saying, no feelings, no strings sex with someone you know. Because there aren’t any feelings there and he doesn’t care about you in away that would require him to put your needs above his, this outcome would be inevitable.

I would sack him off and try to meet someone that can offer you more

The reason I don't see him as boyfriend material? A few factors.

The age gap - he's alot older
The distance
We're not very compatible long term (but that doesn't cause any problems when it's no strings as I do enjoy his company)

@JinglingHellsBells

I think you both have blurred boundaries.

FWB is just really sex with someone you know rather than a shag or one night night stand in my opinion.

All the stuff about being good friends and needing support is what a relationship amounts to.

Be honest with what you want both with yourself and this chap.

^^ Agree with that...

Maybe you need to stop having sex and consider him only as a friend.

Get sex elsewhere if you want that and no commitment.

Find a man who is purely for sex and use your women friends for support and sympathy.

I kept him at arms length for quite a while and would never discuss anything from my personal life, but at his insistence I did begin to open up over time

Probably why he doesn't think interrogating you about how you feel would be best.

Tone is hard to read in print, easier in person. He chose to try to distract and cheer you up and he picked wrong.

I think you are only so pissed off over a minor faux pas because you are so stressed about everything else.

In your situation getting a bit drunk and having a really good shag would do me the world of good.

Well those are good reasons for not wanting to "be" with him.

I think you have been a little over sensitive about this is all, OP. Its not a big problem, just slightly crossed wires. Get it off your chest when you see him today and you'll be fine

If he knew you thought that- too old, too far away, too incompatible - would he still offer support and sex?

Sorry OP but you seem muddled. If he's good enough to offer good sex, an ear for your problems (most of the time) then that for many people would be a good start for a relationship. No one gets perfection!

If you want more support at difficult times, find a man who you want to have a relationship with or use your women friends and family.

He’s a fuck buddy... he offered you a fuck. I really don’t see what he’s done wrong.

So sorry to hear about your news.

YANBU. I was in a 'FWB' arrangement and despite being supposed friends (a lot of that I think was actually manipulation so he could keep me around for sex- making himself supposedly indispensible, acting like he cared) he was a user who was using me for sex.

It's not rare.

He’s a fuck buddy... he offered you a fuck. I really don’t see what he’s done wrong.

@Regularsizedrudy He's supposed to be her friend and she was talking to him about someone she knows being really ill.

I am probably old fashioned , .I appreciate you are not looking for anything too serious .FWB is really just that, 2 people meeting for a hook up every now and then .Or "No strings attached" is another way of putting it.I am sorry to hear your childrens DGP is unwell .Perhaps think how you would react if he were in your position,would you be more understanding than just to rock up and expect sex? TBH maybe look at what you are getting out of this arrangement rather than the obvious? Lots of people like a casual arrangement ,but you say it has been going on a few years now.Is this stopping you from meeting up with someone romantically ,or would you feel OK if he met someone .TBH this is no longer FWB if you are gaining moral support,Birthday /Christmas presents and Flowers now and then .It seems to have strayed into a more Boyfriend/Girlfriend R/L to me

I don’t really believe in friends with benefits. The fact you want more says overall you may want more . Maybe not from him but ...
I would stop throw relationship .

This*

Friends with benefits arrangements are about having sex. That’s the ‘benefits’ part, otherwise it would just be a friendship.

@CreamCabbages If there's a pre-existing friendship, the benefits bit is an 'extra' on top of the friendship. That's why it's called 'friends with benefits' not 'user who occasionally might bother to pretend to care.'

@SoulofanAggron

So sorry to hear about your news.

YANBU. I was in a 'FWB' arrangement and despite being supposed friends (a lot of that I think was actually manipulation so he could keep me around for sex- making himself supposedly indispensible, acting like he cared) he was a user who was using me for sex.

It's not rare.

How is someone who you are in a fuck buddy arrangement with 'a user' if they are just there for the sex! That's the point of a fuck buddy.....it's not a relationship so he wasn't a user.

I have never had a fuck buddy because it doesn't suit me I need more but can appreciate some just want sex. Therefore, why moan when that's what is offered 🤔

If either of us wants more out of the arrangement then it's definitely him, though he hasn't explicitly said as much (and I don't believe he wants a girlfriend either)

Things that lead me to believe this are examples like asking me to go on holiday with him, always being the one to text first (often) always being the one to plan the next hook up.

Like I say I kept him at arms length for a long time and was always breezy, if anything was going on in my life and was bothering me I wouldn't necessarily tell him about it, keeping the meet ups as fun.

It was due to his persistence in wanting to be an actual friend to me that I began to soften and ended up seeing him that way (but certainly not a boyfriend)

I'm looking forward to dinner and drinks anyway, it may well be that it cheers me up and we do end up doing the deed.

What I have taken from this though is that I probably shouldn't open up again in future and if I want to continue the arrangement then to just keep it breezy, as I did before.