I think FWB has been quite insensitive, or am I being unreasonable?

[Teex]

Name changed for this.

I have a friend (with benefits) who I've been casually meeting up with for a few years now, despite the fact the relationship can be sexual we are definitely friends too. We have met plenty of times for just dinner before I moved further afield.

We advise each other / support when needed. Presents at Christmas and on birthdays. Flowers 'just because'

I by no means want a serious relationship with this man it's strictly FWB but do see him as a valued friend.

We live quite far apart so only see one another once every other month or so which works well. He books a hotel when he comes as I keep this relationship separate to my home life (children)

He planned to come up and see me today to go for dinner, a few drinks 'ect'. These arrangements were made the other month.

I had some bad news yesterday that somebody I really care about was rushed into hospital and the prognosis isn't good.

When he text me yesterday to say he was looking forward to today and asked how I am - I told him not so good because of the news I've had and that I'm quite worried.

I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit.

He offered his sympathy in the form of one short text then changed the conversation to what we could do in the bedroom!

This was a kick in the teeth because I'm just not up for any of that and assumed he would understand given the circumstances. I'm worried about the person in hospital, sad for my children (it's a close relative of theirs on dads side) and anxiously waiting for news.

To cancel on him last minute would mean he's wasted time and money travelling up, but I'm not impressed that all he's thinking about is his penis when my family are going through a crisis.

Who is BU?

Ok, to be honest though op. He’s hardly likely to say I really don’t care to be your mate if your stop shagging me. Of course he says things like that.

Yes ... because that gets him laid.

I think because you didn't cancel or make it clear it would be dinner only he thought things would go ahead as planned.

@bethany39

"I was still planning to see him as I thought a friendly face, moral support, nice meal together and a drink or two would cheer me up a bit."

This is what a boyfriend is for. To be blunt, he is not your boyfriend and is not interested in being.

Actually I’d say this is just a friend.

It can come from a partner, of course, but equally it can come from a good friend.

FWBs just aren’t for me at all so I am probably the wrong person to comment on this, but in my limited experience some men might try to initially clumsily try to be a ‘friend’ as a way of ‘luring’ women to bed, luring is probably a bit strong, but I had this a lot in my younger days. His priority will almost certainly be sex.

You must realise it changes the fwb thing when he’s having to travel a distance and pay for a hotel.

You should’ve been up front that sex was off the table when you messaged him yesterday.

The dynamic hasn’t changed, but you projected a meaning on to it that wasn’t there. He’s done nothing wrong here, but I guess the veneer of care you afforded him can’t be pretended anymore.

This is completely beside the point and I’m sorry — but why has he arrived in your city 6 hours before your date? 🤔

What a muddled set up OP!

As a man who we assume is reasonably attractive, he could get sex anywhere more easily without travelling a long way and booking a hotel, surely?

I think you are both behaving as if this IS a relationship- presents, flowers, support, sex- that's what a relationship IS in my book.

And the fact you are disappointed this time by his lack of concern over an ex in-law speaks volumes.

You sound more invested than you think you are, or admit.

Sorry but I have never really got the FWB thing and think it's always doomed to failure.

IME one person often wants more and daren't say.

I can understand mature people having a relationship and living apart- that's good sometimes. I can't understand people who have sex, a close friendship, but say it's a make-do set up until one of them falls in love with someone else. Because that way someone gets hurt as two people never really feel the same.

Are you using this man? Is he using you? Are you using each other until someone better comes along?

Do you want sex and support and friendship but not really HIM?

Really sorry about your children's grandparent and hope they pull through

I do think you should have been more open about not wanting sex, before he travelled through. Presumably you have normal friends for chats and the difficult stuff.
This relationship is different, by the very nature of it.

I don't think men go to these lengths to have sex. He can swipe right and find a shag on his doorstep if that is what he wants.

Personally I would hate the pressure of a man travelling up and having to book a hotel etc just to shag me. I get in one way it's kind of flattering but in another sense it would stress me out. Just find a FWB who is closer to home.

@Teex

I can completely see what you are all saying.

The thing is though it as always been him saying he's "there for me" and "if ever I need to talk then he's there" and how he sees me as a good friend regardless of sex.

Up until the past year or so I would never mention if anything was less than rosy.

He was keen to put alot of emphasis on the fact that we are "good friends" and how he's there for me if ever anything is wrong.

And he is there for you. He's travelled to your city and is meeting you for dinner.

You seem to think it's a universal rule that being supportive = no sex. It isn't

If that's one of your rules then you have to communicate it. It's entirely possible for many people to have sex and enjoy it even when upset about something else. Not everyone is the same as you and to judge him for not thinking exactly like you is unfair

@Zilla1

YANBU, there's a minimum level of understanding from even an acquaintance, let alone one you've been intimate with, and this looks like it fell below that low level. Even if he sees your FWB as a means to an end, he was rude. There seem few circumstances in which a sexual description should immediately follow what you said.

This is why FWB messes it up though. A normal friend can express normal sympathy without any question of whether it blurs the boundaries.

A FWB who you're explicitly meeting for sex doesn't have the full luxury of the niceties because the entire point is that the relationship is skewed by sex.

IME one person often wants more and daren't say

Or maintain they don’t because they know it’s not an option. The fact you still wished to meet him for emotional support indicates there is more to this for you. The fact he responded sexually indicates there is not for him.

The fact he says things like I’ll be your friend etc is just the shit people say to be nice. Because you can’t say, I’m not sure I’d be interested if you weren’t putting out.

when men are upset the often turn to beer, footie and sex. women turn to their friends to talk about their feelings.

I think he mentioned sex because he was testing you out, to make sure you were definitely up for that.

He wants sex with you OP - of course he says he's your friend etc, that's how he knows you'll have sex with him.

Will be interesting how this turns out, but it's a bit unfair that he's gone to all this effort and expense thinking you are up for it if you're not - you should have made that clearer to him.

Well, it is relative on your ex’s side... perhaps he didn’t realise you cared so much. There are a lot of people out there who believe the right thing is to cut off every person related to your ex when your relationship ends (I have been certainly called a weirdo for caring about my ex MIL) so I would give him the benefit of doubt when you cancel the meet up.

@Teex

I can completely see what you are all saying.

The thing is though it as always been him saying he's "there for me" and "if ever I need to talk then he's there" and how he sees me as a good friend regardless of sex.

Up until the past year or so I would never mention if anything was less than rosy.

He was keen to put alot of emphasis on the fact that we are "good friends" and how he's there for me if ever anything is wrong.

It's easy to say you're always there for someone when they don't seem to need you. When they genuinely do, actually being there for them is the hard part. You've changed things in the past year but starting to need more from him. Now that's fine, but whatever he's saying, it may not be what he wants.

There's nothing wrong with him suggesting sex - l often want sex when I'm upset as it cheers me up and distracts me. You have a communication issue with regard to what's happening this weekend. Watch you don't have a bigger issue though - for all you say you don't want a proper relationship, I think that is what you want. It may be you don't want it with him, but he's the nearest thing you've got right now. Or at least you may not want the ties of a relationship but you want the support and caring that goes with them.

It may be that it's time to end this FWB relationship and then have a long think about whether you want a proper relationship.

when men are upset the often turn to beer, footie and sex. women turn to their friends to talk about their feelings

That too ^

I really appreciate the replies, it's certainly pause for thought.

He arrives here early because he treats his trips up here as a mini break of sorts. Sight seeing, maybe a trip to a museum before I meet him. That type of thing.

I wouldn't have said we're using one another no, but now it has been mentioned perhaps we have subconsciously. I enjoy having him as a friend and he enjoys having me for sex.

I agree he can get sex much closer to home, he's an attractive man and needn't travel all this way to be with a woman.

This is part of the reason I felt as though there is a genuine friendship here. He enjoys my company and not just in the bedroom.

I kept him at arms length for quite a while and would never discuss anything from my personal life, but at his insistence I did begin to open up over time (when he asked about my DC, how the family are, what's going on in my life etc)

I have never seen him as a boyfriend though.

Just a shag to begin with but then over time he became a friend I'm fond of.

You text him.

This alone probably misled him into thinking it was not that big of a deal. He may have felt if it was a real issue for you, you would have called.

@JinglingHellsBells

when men are upset the often turn to beer, footie and sex. women turn to their friends to talk about their feelings.

I'm a woman and I turn to beer and sex when upset. Not the footie though.

I can categorically say hand on heart that I do not see him as relationship material and I'm not overly invested, as hard as that may be to believe. I'm certainly not in love with him or want more.

To me he's strictly a FWB, with him putting alot of emphasis on the friendship aspect over the years resulting in me seeing him as a good friend now.

OP will probably meet up, have a great time, have sex, get support and tomorrow everything will be back to normal.

Not to be insensitive on the fact your children's grandparents are in hospital, I just think that it will be a welcome distraction.