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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put up with being spoken to like this..

259 replies

loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:38

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 11/10/2020 00:39

Sounds like it already needed fixing anyway

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:41

@Anordinarymum It certainly wasn't right.. but I think I've finished it off! Blush

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 11/10/2020 00:41

Erm, so the boiler stopped working and dh's solution involved no hot running water, and you're the stupid bitch who needs to pay for repairs? I think not.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 11/10/2020 00:43

Whatever you did he absolutely shouldn’t talk to you like that. Assuming it’s not a one off?

BashfulClam · 11/10/2020 00:45

No it’s not. You go to your bed and if he doesn’t want to sleep with you he can go in the sofa. You made a mistake but he had no right to speak to you like that and embarrass you. I would have chucked him out if he spoke to me like that,DH once raised his voice at me...13 years later and he hasn’t done it again!

Dutypaid · 11/10/2020 00:45

The boiler broke, he tried to fix it and failed; you tried to fix it and failed...but it is all your fault and he believes it warranted him shouting at you in the garden? What an arsehole.

Whatsthefuss · 11/10/2020 00:46

Totally unacceptable to speak to you that way.
Why should you sleep on the sofa?
Does he normally react this way when something goes wrong?
I agree with above, it already needing fixing and he overreacted big time.

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:47

There wasn't even no running hot water, there was just no running water! I mean it must've been a pressure valve I messed with or something and I know I was stupid to mess when I didn't know what I was doing so it could have been dangerous but I was only trying to help.
He does tend to overreact like this. I get he was mad and was in his right to be but I just felt so humiliated.. our neighbours enjoy writing us snotty letters at the best of times so I don't exactly want them hearing shouting and effing at 10pm, plus we both have kids who were in bed so there was just no need for it. He said something like ''tell you're mummy and daddy they'll have to cough up 2 grand to fix it, but you won't tell them how stupid you were will you''

OP posts:
Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:50

He acted as though I took a hammer to it in a rage or something and I did it on purpose. I know it was stupid and it wasn't my brightest move to mess with a valve (which I'm assuming now was the pressure valve as when it started pissing water the pressure was nearly up to max) but I was just trying to get some water as DC couldn't have a bath tonight with no water and obviously we can't even wash our hands!
He does tend to sulk a lot. He'll shout and swear and then sulk off to our bedroom to watch his shit on TV, leaving me on the sofa.

OP posts:
Whatsthefuss · 11/10/2020 00:50

He does tend to overreact like this

Going forward what is your plan? I hope you are not going to continue accepting his behaviour. Can you talk to him, suggest couples counselling, anger management?
Things need to change and quickly.

katy1213 · 11/10/2020 00:51

He 'had a mess around' - you messed - neither of you knew what you were doing. Call a heating engineer. Is he always so ill-mannered?

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:52

He says I should've just left it as now I've completely broken it (as now all of a sudden he's a plumber) and its going to cost a lot/need a new boiler. I'm not entirely sure how he knows this and how a plumber could even prove I had moved the dials but this was his argument and the reason it justified how he spoke to me apparently. He won't say sorry for speaking to me like he did.. he never does.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 11/10/2020 00:53

OP are you upset or are you just sounding off on here ? He sounds like a bit of a pillock to me

HirplesWithHaggis · 11/10/2020 00:54

It may have been "his right" to be pissed off that a new boiler wasn't working. It was never, and will never be, "his right" to yell at you about it.

Along with the other behaviour you descibe, this requires a serious conversation at the very least. Wtf are you freezing on the sofa?

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:55

@katy1213 He tends to overreact by shouting and swearing.
He says it because he told me to leave it and I didn't and still messed around and have now done whatever I have done to it. I understand him being mad but it really made me feel small how he spoke to me. I said to him that it wasn't acceptable how he spoke to me and I don't think its right him shouting so much so DC hear as I don't want them mentally scarring from hearing Daddy shouting at Mummy.. he just told me to shut up and slammed the door at me.

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 11/10/2020 00:56

As far as I'm concerned it wouldn't have mattered of you'd taken an axe to the boiler he still has no right to speak to you like that! We're the DC able to hear the argument?

I am with a man who shouts like this, all I can say is you have my sympathy and he's in the wrong but assuming you won't leave him I have no idea what to suggest and I assume you won't leave him.

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:57

@Anordinarymum A bit of both I think. I guess I just want opinions as to whether I was stupid enough to justify how I was spoken to.. maybe wondering how any of your DH's would react in a similar situation.

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 11/10/2020 00:59

Some men shout, earlier today we had something that really upset me. There was a smoking notice on something and DD said " some daddies smoke don't they?" She then said "some people have normal daddies, some have smoking daddies and some have shouting and swearing daddies like me"

I feel so upset that she said this. Maybe we shouldn't just out up with it ok?

Feelingconfused2020 · 11/10/2020 01:00

Op not ok

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 01:00

@Feelingconfused2020 I'm sorry to hear that. It's shit isn't it. In every other way he's lovely, he's generous, apart from shouting at me in front of them which I hate he's good with DC, he does no housework at all but he does cook, he works hard.. but then he just has this temper. It's like he see's red and there is no.. reasoning?
I felt like a little girl being told off is the only way to describe it. My own Dad wouldn't have shouted at me like that in the back garden for all to hear though to be honest. Yes both DC heard, it woke them up and they started shouting for me.

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 11/10/2020 01:02

I would leave him for a few days so he can see that his behaviour has a consequence. My DH spoke out of turn once and I walked. He now discusses things like an adult. My dad was like that and I won’t accept it now. I didn’t have the choice as a kid and it affected me and my brother massively (you kids will be fucked up by his temper I can guarantee it).

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 01:03

@Feelingconfused2020 Oh my, that's really sad. How old is she? I know just after christmas DH threw my make up bag in a temper and it hit a wall and smashed it all, out of shock I just started crying. DS1 was in the room (he's 3) and it took weeks for him to stop repeating ''Daddy smashed mummy's make up, made mummy cry'' My Mum was mortified when he repeated it to her, as was I. I've told him so many times, not in front of DC.

OP posts:
valtandsinegar · 11/10/2020 01:05

Bitch is a no-go for me and DP knows this. I just find it really offensive when a man says it even as a joke, can't put my finger on why. Really don't mind women calling me it, though!

katy1213 · 11/10/2020 01:05

I can't imagine that opening a valve has wrecked it! But I wouldn't allow any man to treat me like that. I'm not surprised that your neighbours write snotty letters if all this shouting and bawling happens often. Your husband sounds like the neighbour from hell.

Original poster
loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 01:06

@BashfulClam I'm sorry to hear that. I said to him tonight you are going to be mentally scarring our children they will remember being woken up by Daddy shouting, he rolled his eyes and told me to stop being pathetic. I think I'm going to have to go to my parents house for a few days. I've done it before though and he doesn't seem to learn. I don't want to leave him as most of the time he is fine its just this shouting and temper that I don't know if I can live with forever. If it was just me I'd maybe put up with it but its because I have DC to think about :-(

OP posts: