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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put up with being spoken to like this..

259 replies

loopyloz88 · 11/10/2020 00:38

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

OP posts:
ulanbatorismynextstop · 11/10/2020 04:48

The boiler is the least of your worries, stop calling yourself stupid, you are not stupid. Does he rage at you and call you stupid regularly, sounds like you're believing his crap. Split with this nasty arsehole and be happy.

CloudyVanilla · 11/10/2020 05:08

No way - this is horrible, and he smashed your makeup too? :(
Maybe it's a dynamic that some people are okay with but me and my dp just don't name call. We might shout and swear in frustration at something but certainly wouldn't be calling each other names, that's horrible! I couldn't stay, especially the makeup thing.

LunaNorth · 11/10/2020 05:14

Oh my god, leave the nasty bastard.

Who the fuck does he think he is? Hmm

user1464552773 · 11/10/2020 05:14

Couples counselling does not have to be expensive, and would be worth every penny to stop your 3 year old witnessing a parent shout, swear and smash things. That must have been terrifying for them and should not be normalised. Please, please, please think about making some long term changes to protect yourself and your children.

Nikori · 11/10/2020 05:22

Your posts make me so sad especially when you said not in front of the kids. He shouldn’t be treating you like this ever. Go to your mums and have a break and think about things.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/10/2020 05:22

This is so clearly abuse. It makes my blood run cold just reading it, the way you are able to normalise and justify his abusive behaviour towards you OP. Please don't go to counselling with an abuser.

DH and I had a disagreement yesterday about something where I was in the wrong. If he had shouted and called me a stupid bitch in front of the DC I wouldn't know what to do or think, it would be so out of character for him. Good husbands and fathers don't do that.

Have some Flowers while you work out what you are going to do.

waterproofed · 11/10/2020 06:17

Normal people don’t react this way.

If I touched the boiler and it started spraying hot water all over me DH’s first concern would be for my safety. Before saying anything about the wisdom of adjusting boiler valves, he’d have made sure I wasn’t hurt.

We’ve lived together for 18 years and in that time I smashed a few of his cars (DH loves his cars), accidentally damaged freshly painted walls, cracked endless kitchen tiles, shrunk/bleached/otherwise fucked plenty of his clothes and did endless other annoying things because that’s life, isn’t it? The only reason I have not broken a boiler is because one has not malfunctioned on me.

My main point is that, though these are hardly delightful turns of events, DH has never shouted at me in a situation like that and it’s not because things don’t get to him. They very much do and he is hot headed. Sometimes he will have to go to a different room to cool down like an adult. But he never loses sight of the fact that he doesn’t want to abuse me.

Can you tell us more about other instances which traumatised you or the kids? So far we have the make up smashing incident (my father did that when I was 15; I ran away from home to live with my grandparents and never went back - it was terrifying and there was no going back for me), shouting at you when your parents were around and last night’s events. What else has he done over the years?

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. There is a brilliant book entitled ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men’ by Lundy Bancroft. I understand the need to unpick why your H behaves as he does and I found the book really illuminating in understanding my father’s behaviour.

timeisnotaline · 11/10/2020 06:27

I don’t think you understand how abusive this is op. Your mums reaction seems completely normal.
I can hold my own and argue back but Mum just cannot stand it.. This is not true at all- what you really mean is I regularly let him think this is ok to treat me like this and for the kids to hear. Sometimes I leave for a couple of days, he knows I will come back.
Pack the kids up, this time please don’t just go back. And listen to your mum. She wants better than this shitty treatment for her daughter and grandchildren, that’s not traumatised, that’s a good mother.

NeonGenesis · 11/10/2020 06:28

Step 1. Call a repair person and take the cost out of family money, since it was already broken anyway and your DH's solution was to have no running water, which is ridiculous.

Step 2. Call a lawyer and have a chat about your options. Your DH is horrible and you deserve better.

Nicolastuffedone · 11/10/2020 06:33

Your mother is right......

Oysterbabe · 11/10/2020 06:38

It'll still be under warranty, shouldn't cost anything to repair.

coldwinternightsbrrr · 11/10/2020 06:46

LEAVE HIM

I am in a very similar position.
Reading your post is like experiencing my life.
I have had so many incidences with my partners. We've been together 13 years and to be honest it doesn't get better.

If I could leave I would desperately. I fantasise about leaving him. But I have literally no where to go. I have no family (parents and family have all died) and I have 5 children.
My reasoning for staying has been he is a good Dad. Fantastic with the kids etc.
However if my Mum/Dad was still around I would leave. I would know I have support then.

I have become a shell of myself 13 years ago.
I used to be fairly confident, hold down a really good job. But now I struggle to do things because I'm always worried I'll get it wrong and be shouted at.
Then my partner moans that he has to do everything and calls me lazy. A vicious circle.

Emmapeeler2 · 11/10/2020 06:55

OP, shouting and swearing in front of kids would be reported by the Police to social services as a domestic incident if a neighbour called them. It's not OK at all for him to talk to you like that Sad

KatherineJaneway · 11/10/2020 06:56

The shouting and swearing isn't nice, but just the way some people deal with things.

It isn't acceptable as a constant way to 'deal with things'.

Procrastination4 · 11/10/2020 06:57

[quote loopyloz88]@Feelingconfused2020 Oh my, that's really sad. How old is she? I know just after christmas DH threw my make up bag in a temper and it hit a wall and smashed it all, out of shock I just started crying. DS1 was in the room (he's 3) and it took weeks for him to stop repeating ''Daddy smashed mummy's make up, made mummy cry'' My Mum was mortified when he repeated it to her, as was I. I've told him so many times, not in front of DC.[/quote]
It shouldn’t be “Not in front of the children”. These displays of temper shouldn’t be happening at all. Your husband should be able to control his temper. Shouting and throwing things when angry isn’t acceptable. This is coming from someone who is naturally very hot-headed! My husband would be the calm one. I made myself control my temper very early on in my marriage as I knew it wasn’t right to subject anyone-adult or child-to such horrible displays. No one should have to live like this.

BowowMttt · 11/10/2020 06:59

OP please stop excusing his behaviour. He’s behaving appallingly and that’s not within your control but letting the children grow up seeing him abuse you is within your control. I’ve had arguments with DH plenty of times but it has never lead to name calling or putting each other down because we are angry at the situation not each other. This isn’t a normal reaction to the situation and waking the children with shouting and swearing is mortifying. I can remember staying at a cousins house and lying in bed listen to the adults shouting at each other downstairs because they were so drunk and I can remember being utterly terrified. It affects them far more than you’ll ever realise so please protect your family permanently, not just for a few days.

EsterOdesavitch · 11/10/2020 07:00

My DH has a bit of a temper (mostly with inanimate objects) and can shout, swear and break stuff - but in 22 years it has never been directed at me. I'm trying to think how he would react if I messed with an expensive problem and made it worse - he'd huff and puff a bit, make everything safe, call the boiler a wanker and be exasperated probably - but if I said I'm really sorry I made it worse, I was only trying to help, he'd give me a gruff bear hug and say don't worry about it love. After an initial flash of annoyance he'd take care of it and wouldn't want me to feel bad (for long).

I also come from a childhood where my stepdad would lose his temper and shout about things, and raised voices still make me a bit nervous.

I hope you have a better day today, go to your mums with the DC and take some time to reflect on how your DH makes you feel. Nobody died and everyone still has a roof over their head...if the boiler didn't actually explode I'm sure it will be fixable. Flowers

HaggieMaggie · 11/10/2020 07:00

What a nob. I wouldn’t have thought a nearly new boiler would cost anything, it must have at least a two year guarantee? Total idiot.

Beautyoftheirdreams · 11/10/2020 07:13

If our boiler broke and I did something to try and fix it and it spewed hot water at me, my DP would be incredibly concerned about me. He might call me stupid but only because he's a heating engineer so I would have had no business trying to fix one knowing nothing about it when he's a boiler professional but he wouldn't scream or shout at me.
You sound really worn down OP. Are you really happy with this being your way of life indefinitely?

Jellytottheif · 11/10/2020 07:14

You’re right you were a bit daft to mess. He should no have spoken to you like that. You acknowledge that he’s done it in anger. Have your cold night on the sofa and in the morning perhaps apologise for messing and if he’s half decent he’ll be forthcoming with an apology for his over reaction and the way he spoke to you?

People get angry. I don’t think this is relationship defining. Although he should perhaps work on his temper.

Everyone will probably tell you LTB but I think it can probably be made right with a sorry and a cuppa and cuddle.

Depends if he just lost his temper and will reflect like a normal person or if he is always an obnoxious arsehole. Only you know that.

RobertaTheGreat · 11/10/2020 07:25

Your husband is a prick, and surely the boiler is still under guarantee?

Cosmos45 · 11/10/2020 07:32

I know this isn’t what you posted about (I personally couldn’t be with a twat like your husband..) but if the boiler was faulty then it should be under warranty. Most new boilers have a 5 year warranty.

Longwhiskers14 · 11/10/2020 07:37

@BashfulClam

I have confidence issues and low self esteem as does my brother. We are scared of making people angry so are utter doormats and people pleasers with no confidence from growing up with a volatile father who shouted and tantrummed like this.
This is exactly me and my sister too, after being raised in a house with an aggressive parent. OP, he won't change, he'll only get worse as the children get older and they are being scarred already, trust me. Go to your parents for a couple of days by all means, but start making plans to leave. I wish my mum had. Her life would've been so much better if she had.
Velvian · 11/10/2020 07:44

You need to leave him, op. Hopefully your neighbour will make a report to social services.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/10/2020 07:49

@Jellytottheif

You’re right you were a bit daft to mess. He should no have spoken to you like that. You acknowledge that he’s done it in anger. Have your cold night on the sofa and in the morning perhaps apologise for messing and if he’s half decent he’ll be forthcoming with an apology for his over reaction and the way he spoke to you?

People get angry. I don’t think this is relationship defining. Although he should perhaps work on his temper.

Everyone will probably tell you LTB but I think it can probably be made right with a sorry and a cuppa and cuddle.

Depends if he just lost his temper and will reflect like a normal person or if he is always an obnoxious arsehole. Only you know that.

Dear God.

The amount of excusing from (some) posters for this abusive arsehole is beyond belief.

@Jellytottheif did you read the thread at all? Even if you only read the OP, how is it even marginally acceptable to swear at your partner, shout so loudly neighbours can hear, and wake up the DC?