To put up with being spoken to like this..

[loopyloz88]

Before I start I just want to make you aware that I know I was an idiot, I know I shouldn't have messed when I didn't know what I was doing, and I know I was in the wrong and DH was fully in his right to be mad at me!

Tonight our heating and hot water stopped working. Brand new boiler only installed last year. DH had a mess around and managed to get the heating going, but the hot water tap then had no water at all, none even coming out of the tap. I made the not so bright idea to go and have a look. Yes I know I was stupid. I did something to the pressure which then made hot water spew all over like it was going to blow up, I shouted for DH who came and turned it off at the mains.
This was about 10pm. I know he had a right to be mad at me but he shouted at me loudly in the garden (there is no way the neighbours won't have heard) calling me thick and a stupid bitch, that he just wants me to fuck off. I said I was only trying and I'm sorry. He's saying I'll have to find the money to fix it, I'm so stupid he knows I won't tell anyone what I've done...
I said I know he had a right to react but its not acceptable the way he's spoken to me. It woke up DC as he continued to shout once we got in the house. He's been upstairs sulking since, so its looking like it's going to be a (chilly) night on the sofa for me!

Everyone will probably tell you LTB but I think it can probably be made right with a sorry and a cuppa and cuddle.

Dear God.

Talk about minimising. Apart from the fact it's clear her H won't do anything of the kind, it in no way alleviates his abuse.

This really is not OK. People should not be minimising this.

OP, your mother is right. She must be utterly beside herself at all this. Her support is invaluable in this situation - it means you'll have somewhere to go until you get on your feet.

'Throwing stuff is considered domestic abuse, did you know that? You keep pleading with him not to do this in front of the children but he's ignoring you on purpose. He wants his 'temper' to dominate the family.

This will be damaging your children - you are right there - and at some point your neighbours may report to someone about what the witness and/or one of your children will say something to a teacher etc. It would be as well to act now.

Everyone will probably tell you LTB but I think it can probably be made right with a sorry and a cuppa and cuddle.

🙄

OP my heart breaks hearing about your little DS witnessing & remembering his father's aggression with your make-up, and your response being 'not in front of the DC'.

I had an abusive marriage (different to this) but I do recognise that feeling of desperately normalising it & trying to make excuses.

Please know that he is wrong. He is abusive. Leaving is the only solution.

I know it's not easy, or something you can do immediately but please, start getting support and taking the first steps.

Ps don't go for couples counselling. It's not appropriate in abusive situations.

Have your cold night on the sofa and in the morning perhaps apologise for messing

God. I keep spotting ever-more insane victim-blaming points in Jelly's post.

This is so wrong.

Op does not deserve a 'cold night on the sofa'. 😕

I got rid of my xh was similar reasons. I can't recommend it enough.

Your children believe this is normal. It is not normal. You should leave him. Most decent men would never shout like this. My DH wouldn't give a shit about apportioning 'blame' about the broken boiler that we had both tinkered with. Think hard about the environment and norms your children are living with.

In every other way he's lovely, he's generous, apart from shouting at me in front of them which I hate he's good with DC, he does no housework at all but he does cook, he works hard.. but then he just has this temper

This is where you lose me. You’re going to give him the silent treatment until he apologises?! What are you teaching your children about how to manage grown up relationships?!

I agree with your Mum. You are both wrong to be carrying on like this.

@Jellytottheif

You’re right you were a bit daft to mess. He should no have spoken to you like that. You acknowledge that he’s done it in anger. Have your cold night on the sofa and in the morning perhaps apologise for messing and if he’s half decent he’ll be forthcoming with an apology for his over reaction and the way he spoke to you?

People get angry. I don’t think this is relationship defining. Although he should perhaps work on his temper.

Everyone will probably tell you LTB but I think it can probably be made right with a sorry and a cuppa and cuddle.

Depends if he just lost his temper and will reflect like a normal person or if he is always an obnoxious arsehole. Only you know that.

This is an absolutely awful post.

Op - you are totally minimising his appalling behaviour. Stop wittering on about the boiler and who did what to it, and start concentrating on the fact that he yelled at you as if you were a piece of shit in front of your dc.

You need to take proper, decisive action here. He apologises and has anger management counselling at the very least (probably won't make much difference unfortunately) or you prepare to leave. This relationship and the toxic behaviour in it will be fucking up your dc.

He sounds awful, honestly. I know you say he's lovely otherwise but people always say that, unfortunately the otherwise doesn't matter if he's abusive and throws stuff and swears in front of the kids, doesn't contain his anger. He also does no housework - men who don't at least try to do a bit are usually chauvinistic imho. It seems he has barely concealed contempt for you that breaks out when his mask slips due to rage, and he's unconcerned about the effects on the kids. None of this is good.

And what's this bollocks about you having to pay for it? Aren't your finances already shared? You have kids together fgs, his attitude is beyond childish. The boiler was already fucked, did he think you guys were going to be able to manage with no running water?

Of course it will still be under warranty no matter what you did, presumably you only twiddled some knob or pressed a button, which you wouldn't have done if it wasn't broken. The repairman isn't going to come and do a forensic examination, it's not a crime scene, there will be some simple thing wrong with it which will get fixed.

What can't be fixed however is this man's deplorable shitty disrespectful attitude. I know you don't want to hear it OP but you should LTB. You don't have to put up with this arsehole. You truly do deserve much better.

You keep saying he has a temper. So you mean he couldn't help it, he can't manage it?

Does he behave like that with other people? Throws computers against the wall at work, calls his boss a stupid cunt for example?

Your mother is absolutely right about him. He's abusive and angry, the kids definitely know this so don't fool yourself that they don't. If this happened to us, my dh would be worried I was hurt not shouting at me. We don't really argue but he has never called me a bitch. It's just unacceptable that he treats you like this. Stay with your mum and don't go back.

And whatever you do do NOT apologise or listen to Jelly's post which is unfortunately full of terrible advice.

Right what kind of boiler do you have, are you not under warranty?

Why didn’t you read the boiler manual?

It’s sounds as if he’s turned the main water valve on the boiler off (this controls household water)

Did the boiler have an error code flashing?

And no you are DNB he should never have spoken to you in that way.

He sounds horrible OP. I'm sure like you have said in other scenarios he can be nice but if I was living with someone like that I'd be on edge all of the time and I bet your children are as well. I think you need to sit him down and tell him you won't put up with being spoken to like that anymore. He needs to change his ways and work out other ways to control his anger like go on a run or something! I mean we all get frustrated and angry sometimes, it's human nature but we all have a choice on how we deal with that anger. I'm not perfect and not saying I have never shouted at my OH or vise versa but it sounds like a more regular thing in your house and to throw your make up bag in a fit of rage is awful, especially in front of your poor child. Don't put up with it, if you do it will continue to happen and could get worse.

You can claim for this on house insurance and I'm pretty sure no heating and water would be considered a home emergency so would get fixed pretty much immediately.

Or if you have home cover insurance separately you could pay a little more on that as the cover tends to be less so payout is more.

A boiler should not be broken after a year though, it may still be within warranty period but because you both had a fiddle with it I'm not sure it'll be covered. But still, worth checking.

Re: your husbands outburst, personally I think I would have lost my rag too. I wouldnt have used the same words or expressed it publicly, but anger does different things to different people. Have a word when he is calm and explain how his words hurt you and he is never to speak to you like that again. Personally we don't use language like that day to day but I know a friend who Fs and blinds at everything so could imagine him speaking to his wife like this in anger and not mean it (not to excuse it). I'd be more annoyed at the shouting at me in public more than anything.
Speak to him when he is calm.

He isn’t good with the kids. He is making them insecure and fucked up. They will resent this one day. It will fuck up their relationships because nothing modelled is good.

You have an abusive partner. He smashed your make up bag into a wall and he swore at you so everyone could hear - this is abuse and it’s not how your pert er should ever behave. Leave him and stop accepting this is ok and stop exposing your kids to this behaviour.

He is an abusive bully who doesn’t give a shit about you or the kids. He isn’t a good parent- he doesn’t care what they see or hear or how it will affect them and he certainly doesn’t care about you does he?

He probably fucked up the boiler himself but needed someone to blame and shout at to make himself feel better. If your actions were daft then so were his as he didn’t fix it either.

This is no environment for children so you need to find some strength and make some changes. It’s better to be alone than in bad company.

If he had of actually fixed it properly there would of been no need to for you to touch and then he thinks it's acceptable to leave you without heating or water for however long it takes him to decide to actually fix and in the meantime thinks it's ok to swear at you for HIS fuck up? I'd be out of there ASAP

Re: your husbands outburst, personally I think I would have lost my rag too.

@Fantabulous1

Have you missed the part where this is a regular pattern of abuse, witnessed by her children?

Where OP is so ground down she just asks that her H doesn't do it in front of the children, and accepts her 'punishment' of sleeping on he couch?

He shouted so loudly neighbours could hear, and the children were woken up.

It's wrong. It's abuse.

I hope you are able to leave him and that you and your children receive the support you need to recover from his abuse and reset your views of what is normal/acceptable behaviour.

We all loose our temper and get frustrated when things are done wrong. But that doesn’t condone anyone calling their partner a stupid thick bitch. That’s really vile and he sounds a proper chav talking like that.

he's good with DC

No he's not, if they wake up terrified because of his shouting. You have seen what growing up with a father like that does to someone. Please talk to your mum and tell her everything.